Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Loud, mad or sad

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

Joke: Loud, mad or sad

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

[worldangel]

Joke: You will forget

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "To the kitchen."

She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replies, "Sure."

She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He says, "No, I can remember that."

She then says, "Well, I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that."

He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replies, "Well, I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

[worldangel]

Joke: I am not forgetful

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I have bad news

The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."

The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good & bad news

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"

Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

[clementi]

Joke: Teacher’s day Joke 1

On a special teacher's day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shooked it, held it over her head, and said, "I bet I know what it is - flowers!"

"That's right!" said the boy, "but how did you know?"

"Just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shooked it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is - a box of candy!"

"That's right! But how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Just a lucky guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held the bag over her head and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied.

The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?"

[clementi]

Joke: Teacher’s day Joke 2

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

[clementi]

Joke: Teacher’s day Joke 3

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

[clementi]

Joke: Teacher’s day Joke 4

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

[clementi]

Joke: Teacher’s day Joke 5

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term.

[clementi]

Joke: Teacher’s day Joke 6

An elementary school teacher decides to pole the class on the difficulty of last night’s homework assignment:

How many people were able to complete the assignment without parents help?

About 25% of the class raises their hands. How many people we able to complete the assignment with the help of a parent? About 70% of the class raises their hand. The teacher still notices about 5% of the class did not raise their hands. She then calls out, "How many people had to help a parent complete your assignment?

[clementi]

Joke: The director and the wise oldman

A Hollywood director was making a film in South Asia. For the film, he needed to have clear blue skies, so the weather conditions were very important to him. One evening, after filming all day he saw a very old man, sitting with his legs crossed on the ground.

‘It’s going to rain for three days. On the fourth day, the sun will shine again,’ the ancient man said wisely.

The next day it rained heavily and there was no filming that day or for three days afterwards. On the morning of the fourth day, as the old man predicted, the sun was shining down and conditions were perfect for filming.

That evening, when the director was walking past, the old man said, ‘There’s going to be a big storm tomorrow.’

Sure, enough, the next day there was a big storm, just as the man said.

After a week of making perfect predictions, the director decided to use the old man’s wisdom and pay him to work as a weather man for the film crew. The old man agreed to tell the director what the weather was likely to do.

This worked very well for the next few weeks of filming. Every day the old man told the director what the weather would be the next day, and the director paid him well for the valuable information.

One day, however, the old man failed to arrive on the set. The next day the director sent for him and said,

‘Your predictions are very important to me and to my work. I’m shooting a big scene tomorrow and I have to know what the weather is going to be like.’

The old man shrugged his shoulders. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can't help you today, my radio’s broken.’

[clementi]

Joke: Quiet burglar

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[clementi]

Joke: That’s once

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said, "That's twice."After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

[clementi]

Joke: Reason to run

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph.

He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

[clementi]

Joke: An ugly woman

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

[clementi]

Joke: An ugly woman

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.

She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

[clementi]

Joke: A relapse

"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last visit."

"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.

"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from."

"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me."

"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only responsibility you have."

"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I could do for you?"

"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."

[clementi]

Joke: Was I born?

Daddy, how was I born? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!

Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snack into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.

[worldangel]

Joke: What if?

The Railway inspector asked Evan, "What would you do if you realised there were two trains heading for each other on the same piece of track?"

Evan answers, "I'd switch one of the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.

"Well, then i'll dash down out of the signal box," said Evan, "and i'd use the manual lever over there"

"What if that had been struck by lightning?"

"Then," Evan answers, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well in that case, i'll rush down out of the box and use the public emergeny phone by the level crossing up there."

"What if it was vandalised?" "Oh, well, then i'd run into the village and get my uncle Tom."

This puzzels the inspector, so he askes "Why would you do that?"

Came the answer, "My uncle Tom has never seen a train crash."

[worldangel]

Joke: The bigshot businessman

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.

She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something, now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out, he curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't, not with a carnation anyway."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new nurse listened while the doctor was yelling, "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!"

The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing that?"

The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Deep hole

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole. "Wow...that looks deep." "Sure does...toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no noise "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there, those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here.

When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in, not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind, it rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it.

Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole, the two men are astonished with what they've just seen...

Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did! craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat, my goat was chained to a railroad tie."

[worldangel]

Joke: Some people just don’t learn

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100.

He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100, the travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him with the baseball bat and throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, "Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?"

The second man says, "I don't think so, they didn't do it last year."

[worldangel]

Joke: Be careful what you wish for

A Government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet.

He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." he gets his Coke and drinks it.

Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again."

Instantly, he was back in his Government office.

[worldangel]

Joke: He sure had me worried

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track.

Though no one was killed, the driver of the car took the train company to court.

At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute.

He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it.

The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

"How's that?" the lawyer asked.

"I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The 3 kick rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers around, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in these parts. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"

[worldangel]

Joke: All the equipment

A husband was out fishing until late afternoon...tired and hungry after a long day of fishing, he finally came in to grab supper and left his gear in his canoe.

His wife decided that she wanted to go out on the lake and enjoy the sunset so she went down to the lake and pushed the canoe out.

Not long afterwards a gamewarden came by, and asked if she had her fishing license with her.

"I'm not fishing" she replied.

The warden answered back, "Well perhaps not, but you have all the equipment. I'm going to have to write you a citation for not having a license."

The wife slightly aggitated but quick on her feet said to him, "Well, alright. But I'm going to have to call the cops and have you arrested for ra*ing me.".

"What!!" the game warden replied, "I didn't ra*e you!".

To this the woman replied, "Well perhaps not, but you have all the equipment."

[worldangel]

Joke: Make me feel like woman

In a transatlantic flight, the plane passes into a severe storm, the turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning and is detached.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane and yells, "I'm too young to die! But if I'm going to, I want my last minutes to be memorable!

I've had plenty of lovers in my life, but none of them has ever made me feel like a woman! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman?"

For a moment there is dead silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman.

Then a man stands up at the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a real woman," he says, his voice low and husky.

The man is gorgeous. Tall, well-built, broad shoulders, flowing jet-black hair and soft brown eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he goes, one button at a time. No-one moves.

The woman is shaking, breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest and arms as he reaches her. He draws close to her, and as he presses his shirt against her whispers...

"Iron this."

[worldangel]

Joke: A correct assumption

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard, suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up, he took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a hold ing cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door, she was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, screaming at the guy in front of you, and cursing a blue streak at him.

I noticed the "What Would Jesus Do" bumper sticker, the "Choose Life" license plate holder, the "Follow Me to Sunday-School" bumper sticker,

And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally... I assumed you had stolen the car."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lie detector robot

A man returns from work with a lie detector Robot. His 12 year old son comes home 2 hours late from school.

- Where’ve you been all this time? asks the father.

– I was in the library doing homework!

The Robot then slaps the son....

The father explains: - my son, this Robot is a lie detector! you’d better tell the truth…

Ok, I was at a mate’s and we were watching a film: the 10 commandments.

And whack! another slap:

Ouch! actually, it was a mature film…

I’m ashamed of you! At your age, I never lied to my parents!

And whack! the Robot gives the father a slap…

The mother laughs and says: He’s definitely your son!

And whack! and mum gets a slap…

[worldangel]

Joke: The way say hello

Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.

"I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He’s going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back."

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "Hell always be just a good ol boy. When he walks in, Im sure all he'll say is hello."

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "Hes so smart, hell figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now."

Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The cowboy and the biker

A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same day.

The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber.

The Warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies,

"Ah shore do, wardn. Ahd be mighty grateful ifnyood play Achy Breaky Heart fur me bahfore ah hafta go."

"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the Warden.

He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what’s your last request?"

"That you kill me first."

[worldangel]

Joke: A really long box

A young man went to a carpenter and asked, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"

"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?"

"Well, you see," said the young man, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

[worldangel]

Joke: The water resources inspector

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Lockyer Valley farm and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that paddock over there.’

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me, see this card?

This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land, no questions asked or answered.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull.

The bull is gaining with every step, the Rep is clearly terrified.

So the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, leans over and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your card! Show him Your card!

[clementi]

Joke: Constipated

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."

The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.

He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."

[clementi]

Joke: Serious disease

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office.

Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?

She was told that it was.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. his prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

[clementi]

Joke: The fingers

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers.

He goes to the emergency room. The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

[clementi]

Joke: The sound of wasps

The man who is the world's leading expert on wasps is walking through Droitwich one day when he passes an old vinyl record shop.

Looking in the window, an album catches his eye: "The Sounds of Wasps from Around the World". He enters the store and asks the salesgirl if he can listen to the album.

"Sure...just go into the booth and put on the headphones," replies the shop assistant.

He does this and listens to ten minutes of buzzing noises until he can take no more.....he leaves the booth and says to the salesgirl,

"I'm an expert on wasps and I have to say that I didn't recognise any of those noises".

"Oh, I'm so sorry," answers the assistant, "I was playing you the B side." -

[clementi]

Joke: Horse

A guy walks into a bar with his horse and offers $100 to anybody who can make the horse laugh. Only one guy says he can do it, and he whispers something in the horse's ear. Sure enough, the horse laughs his head off.

So the following week, the guy is back in the bar with his horse again, but this time he offers $200 to anyone who can make the horse cry. The same guy comes up to him, then whispers to the horse and they go off to the bathroom. Amazingly, when they come back, the horse is sobbing. The horse's owner goes over to the other guy, and says: "Hey, I just gotta know - how did you do that?"

"Simple," he replies, "last week I told him I had a bigger cock than him. This week I showed him...."

[clementi]

Joke:Mad cow disease

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" "Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" "Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" "Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?" "Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Are you kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”

The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary,

and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red BMW?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Those slow moving snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect, at the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party.

Them slow moving snails, So she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him, they got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment, he ran up the stairs of his apartment.

He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs, just then, the door opened, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:

"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Court room humor

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,

but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded,

"For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The oasis

Niall and Ethan are two young lads from Shannon and they are lost in the Sahara desert. they're only desperate for water, but just as they think they're about to die.

They chance upon an oasis where market day appears to be in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see, and Niall asks if they can buy some water.'

No, 'replies the Bedouin stall owner, 'I only sell fruit. Try the next stall.'

So off they stagger to the next stall and this time Ethan asks for some water. 'Sorry,' says the merchant, 'But I only sell custard'.

'Custard! Custard?' splutter the two

.

Niall turns to Ethan and shouts angrily, 'What kind of flippin' place is this?'

By now totally desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, 'Sorry, but I only sell jelly.'

Hearing this, Ethan says to Niall and speaks through clenched teeth, 'Bejabbers, Niall - this is a trifle bazaar

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s all in the name

A pregnant woman from city gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.

Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, 'Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl, your brother from Cork came in and named them.'

The woman thinks to herself, 'Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!' She asks the doctor, 'Well, what's the girl's name?'

'Denise.'

'Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?'

'Denephew.'

[worldangel]

Joke: The sensitive stuff

Three blokes, Mongrel, Coot and Bluey were working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a carton of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the wife her husband was dead and she gave you a carton of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll bet ya a carton of beer you are.'

..............................................................

Some guys are good at that sensitive stuff.

[worldangel]

Joke: The cellar

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else...

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine.

Then as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of alcohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as drunk as you might drink.

I feel so foolish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get. I'm not drunk you bill hilly! ?

[worldangel]

Joke: Finding perfect man

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company.

He must be musical, tell jokes, sing and stay home at night!"

An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV Set!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Why not having a girlfriend

1. You can stare at any Girl.......

2. You don't have to spend money on her.

3. You won't get boring result in ur board papers.

4. No girlfriend, no emotional blackmailing.

5. If u don't have a girlfriend, she can't dump u.

6. Having a girlfriend is hot, not having a girlfriend is

automatically cool, and every one loves to be a cool guy.

7. This can be more to life than just waiting for the bloody phone to

ring.

8. You won't have to tolerate someone else defining, "right" and

"wrong" for u.

9. Girlfriend can get so possessive that you can't do anything

according ur wishes anymore.

10. You can buy gifts for mom, dad, sis or grandpa instead of a

girlfriend and have a happier family life.

[worldangel]

Joke: The singing bullfrog

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, and then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny mouse. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.

The mouse stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?"

The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny mouse.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The mouse stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, which begins to sing along with the mouse music.

While the man is enjoying his free drinks, a stranger confronts him and offers him £100,000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale."

The stranger increases the offer to £250,000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale."

The stranger again increases the offer, this time to £500,000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere £500,000!"

"Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special, you see, the mouse is a ventriloquist."