Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife or mistress?

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

[worldangel]

Joke: The meteorologist

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program.

He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.

He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job.

One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position.

Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

[worldangel]

Joke: The farmer’s daughter

A traveling salesman's car breaks down on a country road one evening. He is miles from town. He walks to a nearby farm house, and the farmer doesn't have a phone, but says he'll take the salesman into town in the morning.

Since the salesman isn't going anywhere, the farmer offers to put him up for the night. The condition is that he'll have to sleep with his daughter because there aren't any other beds. He is warned to behave himself.

The farmer's daughter, who is drop dead gorgeous, is almost 20 years old and has a shape that would easily qualify her as a centrefold.

At bed time, the farmer's daughter puts a pillow between herself and the salesman. She explains that her father told her to put the pillow there to separate the two of them. Nothing happens that night.

In the morning, the salesman is stowing his bag in the back of the farmer's pickup when he sees the farmer's daughter feeding the chickens on the other side of the fence.

He walks up to the fence and offers the farmer's daughter a thank you for sharing her room and her bed.

The farmer's daughter walks up to the fence and tells the salesman that he is welcome, and then flashes a bright smile at him and winks.

The salesman smiles and says that he has half a mind to climb over the fence and kiss her.

She smiles and says, "If you can't climb over a pillow, how you gonna climb over this here fence?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pizza delivery

A University student delivers a pizza to an old man's house.

"I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.

"That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50 cents, I'd be lucky."

The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's 5 dollars. What are you studying?"

"Applied Psychology," replies the student

[worldangel]

Joke: I’d like a fork

Cannibals capture three men.

The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.

Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible, his request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.

This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man's turn.

He asks for a fork the cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.

As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with you and your f..kin canoes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The secret

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago, on our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.

Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Charm school

Two nicely dressed ladies happen to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The 1st lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man.

The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had any children the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."

The lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz. "

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, isn't that precious?

The first woman continued boasting, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious??

The first woman then asked her companion, " What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady. "Charm school??" the first woman cried, "Oh my God! What on earth for?"

The Southern lady responded, "Well for one thing, instead of saying "Who gives a damn?" I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that precious?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A passion for baked beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love.

When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk, on his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans, All the way home he putt-putted, by the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang.,she again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge.

This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin.

When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table, after assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[worldangel]

Joke: Gotta tell someone on this

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink.

Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island.

Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again.

She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together.

They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven. Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night.

Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"

He says, "Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.

"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.

"Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want, sweetie," she says, and does.

Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction.

They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later, he rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cemetery music

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music, no one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827".

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him, by the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed.

This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar, when they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave.

They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.

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"He's decomposing."

[worldangel]

Joke: In the men’s room

In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands... clear up to his elbows.... he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean".

The lawyer finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented, "I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious".

The cowboy zipped up and as he was walking out the door said, "I graduated from Texas Tech University and they taught us not to piss on our hands".

[worldangel]

Joke: Serious creditability gap

A violinist was auditioning for the Halle orchestra in England.

After his audition he was talking with the conductor "What do you think about Brahms?" asked the conductor.

"Ah..." the violinist replied, "Brahms is a great guy! Real talented musician. In fact, he and I were just playing some duets together last week!"

The conductor was impressed. "And what do you think of Mozart?" he asked him.

"Oh, he's just swell! I just had dinner with him last week!" replied the violinist.

Then the violinist looked at his watch and said he had to leave to catch the 1:30 train to London.

Afterwards, the conductor was discussing him with the board members.

He said he felt very uneasy about hiring this violinist, there seemed to be a serious credibility gap.

Because the conductor knew for certain that there was no 1:30 train to London

[worldangel]

Joke: The local swimming pond

An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years, he had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area,

For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together. As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less.

It eventually became the local swimming hole and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearence.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, he hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay a visit to check on things.

As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing.

As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond without clothes, I'm here to feed the alligator."

[worldangel]

Joke: College? Study?

After sending our son away to college, he would often [too often] call up asking for money.

One time when he called my husband answered, “sure we will send you money” he said, “and I also noticed that you left your Physics book here, should we send that also?”

“Uh, oh yeah, OK,” he responded.

I asked him afterward how much he sent up “$1,100″ he said.

When I gave him a surprised look, he explained, “Don’t worry, I taped a $100 checque on the cover, and the other $1000 checque inside the cover!

[worldangel]

Joke: If you can …

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can do all these things, ...............

[worldangel]

Joke: Prostitute

A daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.

Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million."

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Be Goodnezz! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a religious. Come here and give yer old man a hug.

[worldangel]

Joke: 2-pieces of meat

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling, he asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night, if you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night."

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers.

"Do you want to try?"

"No, but thanks anyway."

"Why not?", asks the barman.

"The steaks are too high."

[worldangel]

Joke: Desert survival

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten."

[worldangel]

Joke: Breastfeeding

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business,

when this gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,

"Come on, eat it all up or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said,

"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man said, "Come on, kid. Make up your mind!

I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Ask questions

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not son. If you don't ask questions, you'll never learn anything!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Plane crash

Abe and Esther are flying for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.

Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge cheque yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send cheques for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years, Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

Joke: Women talk more than men

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.

He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while.

She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned.

He said "What?"

Joke: Women talk more than men

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.

He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while.

She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned.

He said "What?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Women talk more than men

A husband was trying to prove to his wife that women talk more than men.

He showed her a study which indicated that men use about 10,000 words per day, where as women use 20,000 words per day.

His wife thought about this for a while.

She then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Her husband looked stunned.

He said "What?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem solved

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed, they couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint, he then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, she asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?"

,The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house, I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home, on the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley, we'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me, how do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against

the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose, how in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re just like bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by, what luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.

"Perfect timing," the cabby said. "You're just like Bill."

"Who?" asked the man.

"Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right," the cabby said. "Like my coming along when you needed a cab, it would have happened like that to Bill every time."

"Nah," the man said to the cabby. "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Bill," said the cabby. "He was a terrific athlete, he could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros, he sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"Bill was really something, huh?"

"Oh, yeah," continued the cabby. "Bill had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday, he knew all about wine, which fork to eat with, he could fix anything.

"Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him," the man said.

"Well, I never actually met Bill," said the cabby.

"Then how in the world do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow," replied the cabby.

[worldangel]

Joke: Advice from mom

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad.

She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Devil."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway, between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

[worldangel]

Joke: Stationed on a remote island

A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the Pacific for a year.

A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings.

Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a Harmonica saying, "why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife, "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!"

She kissed him and said, "But first, let's see you play that Harmonica."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dinner for two

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the Bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

[worldangel]

Joke: The punk rocker

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.

The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo which read, "Keep off the grass."

After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[worldangel]

Joke: Waiting for a train

Banta is lying across the rail tracks with a bottle of Whisky and a tandoori chicken within reach.

A passerby asks, "Banta ji, why are you lying on the rail lines? A train may comee any moment and run over you."

"Precisely!" answers Banta. "I have no desire to live any longer. I want to kill myself."

"Then why have you this bottle of liquor and the tandoori chicken beside you?"

"Why not?" demands Banta. "You can't rely on trains running on time any more. You don't expect me to die of hunger and thirst, do you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Auto refill

Banta walked through the forest when he heard a cry for help. He found a dwarf, stuck in a trap. He freed the dwarf, and the dwarf granted him two wishes.

"My first wish," Banta said, "is a bottle of whiskey that will never be empty."

And flash, there was the bottle. Banta opened it, and drank it empty. The next moment, the bottle was full again. Banta was very happy.

"What is your second wish," the dwarf asked?

Banta replied, "I want another bottle..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Urgently required

Santa applied for the job of night security guard at the factory.

The boss looked him over carefully.

"The sort of person we need for this job," said the boss finally, "is tough fearless, aggressive, suspicious, distrustful, always on the lookout for trouble and constantly ready to flare into violence. Quite frankly, you don't seem to fit the bill.

"Oh. that is all right," explained Santa. "I HAVE ONLY COME TO APPLY FOR THE JOB ON BEHALF OF MY WIFE."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart move

Santa walked into a bar one evening, sat down and said, "Bar man, give me 1 bottle of beer, and give everybody here 2 bottles. As I am drinking, let them be drinking."

The bar man obeyed. Everybody hailed Santa.

As they were all drinking, Santa said, "Bar man, give me 1 bowl of chicken soup, and give everybody here 2 bowls of chicken soup each, as I am eating, let them be eating."

The bar man obeyed. Everybody praised Santa.

Minutes later, Santa said, "Bar man, bring me my bill, and bring everybody their bill, as I am paying, let them be paying."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pharmaceutical understanding

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide right away.

The pharmacist naturally was concerned by such a request and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband, the pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!

That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandparent’s answering machine

At present we are not at home but, please Leave your message after you hear the beep.

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, press 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Watching television

Mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter without clothes on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week, the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.

When he went downstairs, he found his daughter without clothes on a sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" He exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time coming from the den.

Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

He replied, "Watching the game with my son-in-law.

[worldangel]

Joke: I’d like a fork

Cannibals capture three men.

The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.

Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible, his request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.

This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man's turn.

He asks for a fork the cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.

As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with you and your f..kin canoes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The water resources inspector

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Lockyer Valley farm and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation.

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that paddock over there.’

The Water representative says, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me, see this card?

This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land, no questions asked or answered.

Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull.

The bull is gaining with every step, the Rep is clearly terrified.

So the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence, leans over and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your card! Show him Your card!

[worldangel]

Joke: A really long box

A young man went to a carpenter and asked, "Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?"

"Hmm..." mused the carpenter. "It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?"

"Well, you see," said the young man, "my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

[worldangel]

Joke: The sound of wasps

The man who is the world's leading expert on wasps is walking through Droitwich one day when he passes an old vinyl record shop.

Looking in the window, an album catches his eye: "The Sounds of Wasps from Around the World". He enters the store and asks the salesgirl if he can listen to the album.

"Sure...just go into the booth and put on the headphones," replies the shop assistant.

He does this and listens to ten minutes of buzzing noises until he can take no more.....he leaves the booth and says to the salesgirl,

"I'm an expert on wasps and I have to say that I didn't recognise any of those noises".

"Oh, I'm so sorry," answers the assistant, "I was playing you the B side."

[worldangel]

Joke: Courtroom Humor

A man was in court for a double murder, and the judge said, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You bastard!"

The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You damned bastard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime,

but I will not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt! Now is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and responded,

"For fifteen years, I have lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The secret

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago, on our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.

Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.

[worldangel]

Joke: The secret

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success," he cackled. "I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now."

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

"Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago, on our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.

Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.

[worldangel]

Joke: First day at school

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.

It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

He had no trouble with discipline that term.

[worldangel]

Joke: The lone survivor

At the plane crash site, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone.

As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile of bones, he noticed the rescue team.

"Thank Heavens!", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his comrades.

The Survivor saw the horror in their faces and hung his own head in shame. "You can't judge me for this," he insisted. "I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief.

"I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but Good Heavens man, your plane only went down yesterday!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Remembering dad

When I was four years old: my daddy can do anything.

Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.

Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.

Eight years old: my dad doesn’t know exactly everything.

Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up, things were sure different.

Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn’t know anything about that, he is too old to remember his childhood.

Fourteen years old: Don’t pay any attention to my dad, he is so old-fashioned.

Twenty-one years old: Him? my Lord, he’s hopelessly out of date.

Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he should, because he has been around so long.

Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks, after all, he’s had a lot of experience.

Thirty-five years old: I’m not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad.

Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it, he was so wise.

Fifty years old: I’d give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him.

Too bad I didn’t appreciate how smart he was, I could have learned a lot from him.

[worldangel]

Joke: Friday the 13th

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

He then said, "It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th.

I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[worldangel]

Joke: Old butch

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one..

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the"Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet

by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and having his way with them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this coming election, the bells are not always audible.

[worldangel]

Joke: Help lonely child

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.

One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I could use a little money

Dear Father,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need,

$o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

-----------------------------------------

Now I lay my head to rest

A pile of books upon my chest

If I shall die before I wake

That's one less test I have to take.

[worldangel]

Joke: Railway tracks

Patrick and Fergus were rather drunk one Sunday evening after a session in the pub and were stumbling home along the railway tracks which led to their homes.

Patrick turns to Fergus and slurs, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here Fergus".

Fergus looks up and replies, "I'll tell you what's worse, Patrick, this hand rail is very low down."

Edited April 7, 2015 by worldangel