Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The outsider

A chap at the bookies goes to the screens and checks the prices of the next race.

There are only two horses in the race and it seems pretty uncompetitive as the favourite is 10 to 1 on and the other is priced at 40 to 1 against.

Nonetheless, he makes his way to the counter and asks to place £250 on the outsider.

Being a friendly sort, the bookmaker tries to put him off the bet and assures the customer that the outsider has absolutely no chance against the favourite

but the man is insistent and demands that the bet be placed. The bookmaker tries again to convince the man he'd be losing his money

but eventually agrees to take the bet and gleefully deposits the $250 into his till. They both then watched the race on the television and, horror of horrors,

the favourite fell at the third hurdle and the outsider casually trotted to the finishing line.

The customer was straight back to the counter and demanding his winnings. "No problem," said the bookmaker, "I will happily pay you what you have won" and counted out the winnings

As he did so, he confided to the man, "You are amazingly lucky - between you and me, I actually own the outsider that you bet on and he is such a donkey, even I didn't back it".

As he collected his winnings and made his way to the door, the lucky punter replied, "That's a coincidence, I own the favourite"!!!!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: The frightening experience

Wayne is walking home alone late one foggy night when he hears a strange sound coming from behind him. BUMP BUMP BUMP.

He starts to walk faster, then he looks behind and through the fog he sees an upright coffin bouncing its way down the middle of the road toward him.

BUMP BUMP BUMP. Frightened, he starts to run toward his house, but the coffin continues to bounce after him.

Wayne runs faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP BUMP BUMP. He runs even faster, but so does the coffin. BUMP BUMP BUMP.

When Wayne reaches his house, he runs up to his front door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, and slams and locks the door behind him.

But suddenly, the coffin CRASHES through his front door and begins to bounce towards him, with the coffin lid banging up and down all by itself.

Bump Clappity – BUMP Clappity – BUMP Clappity – BUMP.

Even more terrified now, Wayne rushes upstairs to the bathroom as fast as he can and locks himself in.

His heart is pounding and his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

But with a loud CRASH, the coffin breaks down the bathroom door. now it’s bouncing and banging toward him again.

Bump Clappity - BUMP Clappity - BUMP Clappity – BUMP.

Wayne screams and reaches for something! Anything! but all he can find is a bottle of cough medicine, desperate, he throws the cough medicine at the coffin.

AND GUESS WHAT?... the coffin stops.

[worldangel]

Joke: What are you?

One day, two lovely babies are sitting in their carrycots while their mothers are having coffee. All is quiet.

Suddenly, one baby says to the other, "Are you a little boy or are you a little girl?"

The other baby says, "I have no idea."

"Why don't you know?" asks the first baby.

"Because I don't know how to tell the difference," says the second baby.

"Well I can tell," says the first baby. "I’ll come over and find out for you."

So the first baby crawls into the second baby’s carrycot and goes under the blankets. A few seconds later, the first baby comes back out.

"You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he says

.

"You must be very clever," says the baby girl, "how can you tell?"

"It's easy peasy," replies the baby boy, "you're wearing pink boots and I'm wearing blue boots."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mothers worst nightmare

Dear mum,

I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.

I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.

His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little friendly with them.

We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs, beer and lots of sex.

Wish us luck

Katie

P.S. - I am at the neighbour’s house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.

[worldangel]

Joke: Mike is dead

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Good friends

Luigi and Paulo were fishing in the Mediterranean sea one sunny day when a World War II mine came floating along.

On seeing this round, spikey object coming nearer and nearer, Luigi shouts at his friend " Hey Paulo, it's a mine, it's a mine!!!"

Paulo replies " O.K. Luigi, you can-a have it!!! "

[worldangel]

Joke: Landing system problem

Setting the scene, Ballymun outside of Dublin has a reputation as a rough spot)

Fifteen minutes into Aer Lingus Flight EI109 from Madrid to Dublin the aircraft encounters a serious problem with the Instrument landing systems.

In a Fit of Panic, Paddy the Pilot turns to his co-Pilot and says. "Jazus Mick...We'll have to turn back...none of the equipment is working!."

Mick says to Paddy; "No Problem...Sure I can tell where we are by sticking my hand out the Window!

"OK!" says Paddy, "Where are we then?"

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Well Paddy, I reckon were over the Bay of Biscay. The humidity seems to be gone out of the air.

This is caused by the seawater. Just Head North"

"Brilliant!" replies Paddy, and precedes north bound, fifteen Minutes later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; " Were over the English Channel now, the air is much cooler here, just head in a north easterly direction."

Thirty minutes Later Paddy asks: " Where are we now Mick?"

Mick winds down the window and sticks his hand out and replies; "Were over the Ballymun flats. Quick...bank left here and you should be on Course for Runway One.

Paddy responds and 5 minutes later the plane lands safely on Runway One.

Paddy turns to Mick and says: "That was Brilliant...but...tell Me, how did you know we were over the Ballymun Flats".

"Well!" said Mick...When I pulled my hand back in.. My Watch was Gone!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Free haircut

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'Thank You' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Politician was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Letter of recommendation

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee breaks. Bob is an individual who has absolutely no vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound knowledge in his field.

I firmly believe that Bob can be classified as a high-caliber employee, the type that cannot be dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be executed as soon as possible.

Regards,

Project Leader

KEEP READING...

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Project Leader:

Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my assessment.

Regards,

Project Leader

Joke: Lack of communication

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that moron for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Lack of communication

A man returned home from the night shift and went straight up to the bedroom.

He found his wife with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep.

Not to be denied, the husband crawled under the sheet and proceeded to make love to her.

Afterward, he hurried downstairs for something to eat and was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee.

"How'd you get down here so fast?" he asked. "We were just making love!"

"Oh my God," his wife gasped, "That's my mother up there! She came over and complained of having a headache. I told her to lie down for awhile."

Rushing upstairs, the wife ran to the bedroom. "Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?"

The mother-in-law huffed, "I haven't spoken to that moron for 15 years and I wasn't about to start now!"

Joke: Who is the real boss?

The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: -

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Who is the real boss?

The Boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that read:

"I'm the Boss!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: -

"Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drink driving

This a salutary story about the danger of driving while under the influence

With Christmas coming up you should be very careful.

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

Well, I’ve done something about it.

A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some pals and had a few too many Scotches, as well as the usual beer and some rather nice claret.

Knowing full well that I may have been ever so slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived back safely and without incident, which was a real surprise since I had never driven a bus before, and I am not even sure where I got this bus from.

[worldangel]

Joke: New courses for women

Training courses now available for women on the following subjects:

Topic 1 - Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone

Topic 2 - The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

Topic 3 - Parties: Going Without New Outfits

Topic 4 - Bathroom Etiquette: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too

Topic 5 - Common Skills : Tears - The Last Resort, not the First

Topic 6 - Common Skills II: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

[worldangel]

Joke: Dirty laundry

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.

The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.

"That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder, who taught her this?"

The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

[worldangel]

Joke: A rare bottle of Scotch

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.

Immediately, Jock says, "Open it up and we'll have a dram." "Naw,ah'mgoin' tae save it for a special occasion." Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.

Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer. "Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?" "Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!" "Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend." "Aye, anything ye ask Angus." "When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up." "Aye, Angus, then what?" "Wid ye pour it over ma grave?" "Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus.

It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye." "Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that." Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"

Edited April 8, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The gracious witch

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

"Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear... I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

[worldangel]

Joke: Travelling salesman

There was a traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota.

It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it.

A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.

“Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk.” said the hospitable old man.

“But I ain’t got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.”

“Oh!” said the salesman. “Well Just how far is it to the next house ?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Eyes like an eagle

As a salesman, I was searching for a certain company in unfamiliar territory.

I came to a likely-looking road marked with a small red sign reading: Industrial Centre.

I was not certain that this was the right road, so I drove back to a petrol station to inquire.

The attendant took my arm and pointed to the sign that I had just read, now barely discernible in the distance.

“See that little sign about three blocks away?” he asked.

“You mean the red one that says Industrial Centre?” I asked.

“Man!” he exclaimed. “You must have eyes like an eagle!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Money is not everything

It can buy a house, but not a home.

It can buy a bed, but not sleep.

It can buy a clock, but not time.

It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.

It can buy you a position, but not respect.

It can buy you medicine, but not health.

It can buy you blood, but not life.

It can buy you sex, but not love.

So you see, money isn't everything...

I tell you all this because I am your friend, and as your friend I want to take away your pain and suffering... so send me all your money, and I will suffer for you.

A truer friend than me you will never find...

CASH ONLY, PLEASE!

[worldangel]

Joke: Truck driver

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job.

He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor "I see you work with radio-active materials and wish to claim compensation".

Trucker: "Yeah, I feel really sick".

Assessor: "Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning"?

Trucker: "Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job".

Assessor: "And what about the cabin in which you drive"?

Trucker: "Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined".

Assessor: "What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?"

Trucker: "Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead."

Assessor: "Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept in a lead container".

Trucker: "Yeah, that?s right. All lead".

Assessor: "Then I can't see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning".

Trucker: "I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning"

[worldangel]

Joke: Daughter learning to drive

My daughter is having trouble learning to drive

Actually, more than a *little* ...

The part of parenting that is the very worst has to be teaching your children how to drive a car.

My oldest daughter, for instance, had a little trouble learning to drive our car.

She drove through a fence, made tracks across the neighbor’s lawn, hit a fire hydrant, jumped the curb across the street and mowed down four mailboxes.

Ran over a scooter and two bicycles, narrowly missed two pedestrians and then she lost control of the car.....

[worldangel]

Joke: A responsible applicant

Employer to applicant:

"In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want.

On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

[worldangel]

Joke: Eternal youth formula

I know that it sounds too good to be true, but ...

The police busted a man selling “Secret Formula” tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through the files, the police noticed that the same man had been charged with the same criminal medical fraud four previous times:

In 1794, 1856, 1928, and 1983.

[worldangel]

Joke: A man and his ostrich

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order.

"That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.

"The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad, says he man

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress... "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[worldangel]

Joke: The game warden

A redneck was stopped by a game warden just north of Kentucky’s Lake Cumberland recently with two ice chests of fish.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, whut?" said the redneck.

"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The mother-in-law

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight:

the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Trouble on the roof

Mike and Rob were laying tile on a roof when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid?" Rob replied." I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid?" Mike answers. "You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

[worldangel]

Joke: House on fire

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife.Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody.

So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother-in-law."

[worldangel]

Joke: Emergency signals

Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...

[worldangel]

Joke: Preferential treatment

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant.

"Men prefer thin women," said the skinny woman.

"Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one.

"No, your boyfriend told me that!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Old man and his babies

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a' running.”

Next next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a' running.”

The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again, “This old motor is still a' running.''

And the doctor said, “Yeah but you better get your oil changed because this one is black.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Miserly gift

A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend.

Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit.

In due time, he received an acknowledgement:

"Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

[worldangel]

Joke: She was fired

An Emergency Call Center worker in London Ontario has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

[worldangel]

Joke: The wooden ball

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Edited April 9, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Wait your turn

A youngster rushed into a barber's shop and asked to be given a haircut and a shave immediately.

"You wait your turn young man," said the barber, "I will get to you after the others waiting before you have been attended to. It will take an hour or two."

The young fellow ran out of the barber's shop. He came the next day, the day after and for many days subsequently. Every time he was told to wait his turn, he fled.

Not being able to contain his curiosity, the barber asked his assistant to follow the young man and find out where he came from and where he went after leaving his shop.

The assistant did so and reported back, "I don't know where the fellow comes from but as soon as you tell him you will be busy for the next hour or two, he runs to your home."

Edited April 9, 2015 by worldangel

[clementi]

Joke: Toy racing car

Tom had won a toy racing car in a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one them should have it as a present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked, "Who never talks back to mother?

Who does everything she says?"

Three small voices answered in unison: "Okay, Dad, you get the car."

Edited April 9, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: You know you live in 2012 when …..

1) you accidentally enter your password on a microwave

2) you haven't played solitaire with real cards in years

3) the reaL reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name

4) you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.

6) your boss doesnt even have the ability to do your job.

7) you read this list, and keep nodding and smiling

8) as you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends

9) and...you were too busy to notice number 5.

10) you actually scrolled back up to check that there was no number 5

11) and now you're laughing at your stupidity

Edited April 9, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Bon appetite

Santa was spending some of his hard-earned cash on a luxury cruise and was given a table with a Frenchman.

At their first meal together, the Frenchman said, "Bon appetit!"

Before the next meal commenced the performance was repeated.

"Bon appetit," said the Frenchman.

"Santa Ji," replied Santa.

After this had happened at every meal for three days, Santa was getting fed up, and told a fellow traveller about it.

"He tells me his name is Bon Appetit and I tell him my name is Santa, and then at the next meal, we start all over again."

The fellow traveller laughed and explained to Santa that the Frenchman was not introducing himself and that 'Bon appetit' meant "Good appetite", or "I hope that you enjoy your meal!"

Santa breathed a sigh of relief on receiving this information. Next morning, at breakfast, Santa greeted the Frenchman, "Bon appetite."

The Frenchman nodded politely and said, "Santa Ji."

Edited April 9, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Good and bad news

Jeeto phoned Santa at work as usual for a chat.

Santa said, "Jeeto darling, I am terribly busy today, can you call me back later today perhaps."

Jeeto, "But sweetheart, I have a good news, and I have a bad news to give to you."

Santa, "Darling, I do not have time, so why don't you give me the good news now, and when I come back home in the evening then give me the bad news, this way I can focus here, and do not spoil my work."

Jeeto, "OK dear. The good news is, the Air bag of our brand new Lexus works, I got my life saved. And when you come back home in the evening I will give you the bad news.

And then Jeeto hung up

Edited April 9, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Diamond ring

In the midst of a hectic day at the office, Santa got a phone call from his friend Banta.

Banta: Santa, I just bought an expensive diamond ring for my wife, Preeto. I hope this won't break up our long friendship?

Santa: Hey Banta! Have you gone crazy? Why should your buying your wife an expensive diamond ring break up our friendship? After all, you are not taking it to my wife.

Banta: But my wife is taking it to your wife; she's over to your house right now, showing it to your wife

Edited April 9, 2015 by clementi

[worldangel]

Joke: Bridge

A truck driver was driving along the freeway saw a sign that read, 'Low Bridge overhead' but, before he could stop, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it.

Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police officer approaches, puts his hands on his hips, and says, "Got stuck - huh?"

"No," the truck driver says, "I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

[worldangel]

Joke: 22 MPH

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

[worldangel]

Joke: Police stop at 2AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Don't take life too seriously..........no one makes it out alive anyway!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: New Mercedes owner

A new Mercedes owner was out on an interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Ouch!

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well soon.....From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[worldangel]

Joke: 10 Speed bike

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.

The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.

Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.

A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass".

[worldangel]

Joke: Older & smarter

George was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No." Then they said "All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay" He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars r ed-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s going on?

A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the window and asks whats going on.

"Listening to music," the guy says.

Pointing toward the lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?"

"Reading a magazine, of course."

"How old are you?" asks the officer.

"I'm 28."

"And how old is she?"

The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in 11 minutes she'll be 18."

[worldangel]

Joke: Motorcycle patrolman

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence. "Get well soon..... from the nurse in the jeep you pulled over last week."

[worldangel]

Joke: 911 help

A frightened man dialed 911 to report! an assault. "I was coming in the back door," said the man to the dispatcher, "when I was struck on the forehead. Luckily, I was able to get into the house and lock the door. Please send help right away!"

After advising him to stay calm, the dispatcher sent an officer to investigate. About a half hour later, the rookie returns to the station and is sporting a large bump on his head.

"What happened to you?," asked the chief. "Did you find the perp?"

"Yes I did, and it was easy, chief," replied the rookie, rubbing his sore head ... "I stepped on the rake, too."