Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: My best friend

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

[worldangel]

Joke: New bar in town

In a small mid-western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.

[worldangel]

Joke: 911 help

A frightened man dialed 911 to report! an assault. "I was coming in the back door," said the man to the dispatcher, "when I was struck on the forehead. Luckily, I was able to get into the house and lock the door. Please send help right away!"

After advising him to stay calm, the dispatcher sent an officer to investigate. About a half hour later, the rookie returns to the station and is sporting a large bump on his head.

"What happened to you?," asked the chief. "Did you find the perp?"

"Yes I did, and it was easy, chief," replied the rookie, rubbing his sore head ... "I stepped on the rake, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Appendicitis

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.

Written in large red letters across the tape was the sentence: Get well quick..... From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[worldangel]

Joke: Beer & vodka

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of Fact we have a new drink, invented by A gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."

[worldangel]

Joke: First drink

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!!

Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.

The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out.

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.

The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

"He should've quit while he was a head!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fast drinking

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "a dollar."

[worldangel]

Joke: Best Friend

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend."

"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Martini

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

[worldangel]

Joke: Shirt pocket

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini.

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

[worldangel]

Joke: Threesome

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

I went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

"Mom you still awake?"

[Guest guest]

our old haggard mod needs to find happiness. deprived soul

[worldangel]

Joke: Glass eye

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"

The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on."

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.

The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win."

The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."

The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!"

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?"

The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Past closing time

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other.

"So, what's going on here?", the cop asks.

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting it on

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how about it. You and me, getting it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money."

She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."

[worldangel]

Joke: The tounge

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck.

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?'

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night.

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

[worldangel]

Joke: 10 Speed bike

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car.

The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them.

Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other.

A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph.

He then relayed, "and your not going to believe this, but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass".

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s going on?

A policeman passes a parking lot around midnight and notices a couple in a parked car. He stops to investigate and sees a man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the backseat, quietly reading a magazine. The officer knocks on the window and asks whats going on.

"Listening to music," the guy says.

Pointing toward the lady in the backseat, the officer asks, "And what's she doing?"

"Reading a magazine, of course."

"How old are you?" asks the officer.

"I'm 28."

"And how old is she?"

The guy looks at his watch and says, "Well in 11 minutes she'll be 18."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ouch!

A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily. Written in large black letters was the sentence.

"Get well soon.....From the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

[worldangel]

Joke: Speed limit

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"

"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."

"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142" ...

[worldangel]

Joke: 911 help

A frightened man dialed 911 to report! an assault. "I was coming in the back door," said the man to the dispatcher, "when I was struck on the forehead. Luckily, I was able to get into the house and lock the door. Please send help right away!"

After advising him to stay calm, the dispatcher sent an officer to investigate. About a half hour later, the rookie returns to the station and is sporting a large bump on his head.

"What happened to you?," asked the chief. "Did you find the perp?"

"Yes I did, and it was easy, chief," replied the rookie, rubbing his sore head ... "I stepped on the rake, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: My best friend

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

[clementi]

Joke: Balcony

Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony.

The second guy said, "I don't believe it, you'll have to prove this to me."

So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. "See, I told you," he says.

The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls. Finally, splat on the ground.

The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink.

As he serves the drink, the bartender says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman."

[clementi]

Joke: Pirate in a bar

A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg, a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said, "Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd like to buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum. "Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboard for stealing a man's rum."

"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.

"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals off Madagascar under Admiral Hawk." "

Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine! How did you lose your eye?"

"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.

"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!" he asked.

"Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."

[clementi]

Joke: Eggs

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?

"No," she says.

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

[clementi]

Joke: Eggs

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen.

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?"

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left."

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference."

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?"

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm."

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster?

"No," she says.

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

[clementi]

Joke: Late night

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said.

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?"

[worldangel]

Joke: I said “Stay”

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador retriever had fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.

I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

[worldangel]

Joke: Addicted to brake fluid

One day a mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth.

"Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought. Next day he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid.

"Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today."

His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything. Next day he told about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more today." And so he did.

A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff."

His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better stop drinking that stuff."

"Hey, no problem," he said, "I can stop any time."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tuesday for free

A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge.

Very happy, he leaves. A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening.

In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000.

Confused, the man asks, "I don't understand, on Tuesday it was free." "That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable."

[worldangel]

Joke: Teenage daughters and telephone

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

[worldangel]

Joke: The new Walmart greeter

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, even 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-mind, a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policy.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but you’re being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Some rules cannot be followed

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

" What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John ," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling..... ....... My name is John Darling."

" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

[worldangel]

Joke: I had a dream

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach.

Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

"What was all that about?"

He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

[worldangel]

Joke: The parking officer

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a Parking Officer writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break......?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “Arse Hole”

.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So Bev called him a “Schitt Head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

[worldangel]

Joke: A road worker

A road-worker was hired to paint the line that goes down the center of the road.

The first day he managed to paint 2 kilometers, and his boss was very pleased.

The next day he only painted 200 meters, but his boss thought that he`d probably started off too hard on the first day.

But on the third day he was only able to paint 20 meters. The boss called him into the office and demanded an explanation.

"Well, you see its getting so damn far to walk all the way back to the paint bucket," the worker explained

[worldangel]

Joke: Get it right dad

A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter, so he tried to impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks.

"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man.

"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father.

Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left.

After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At the supermarket

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.

Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

[worldangel]

Joke: I need a man, I need a man

A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Oh! I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Edited April 14, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: No! No!

A blonde is racing to her convertible as it begins to rain. All of the sudden, she screams "NO, NO!!!!"

A man standing near by rushed to her aid. "What's wrong?"

The blonde said, "I locked the keys in the car and the top's down!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Brand new convertible Porsche

There was a blonde and she bought a brand new Convertible Porsche. She was driving along and she hit a guy's diesel.

The man got out burning with anger.

He pulled the blonde out of the car got a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the road and put the blonde in the circle and told her to stay in that circle.

Then he got back in his diesel and ran over the blonde's new Porsche several times.

Then when he got back he saw that the blonde was laughing.

He asked: "Why are you laughing? I just ran over your car."

The blonde said, "I got out of the circle 3 times.

[worldangel]

Joke: The barracks door open

]

A lawyer had just hired a new secretary. His secretary walks in with some papers and noticed that his fly was open.

She tells him, "Hey, the barracks door is open."

He didn't understand what she was talking about, and then he happened to look down and see that his zipper was open.

Later, his secretary walks in and he says to her, "By the way, when you noticed that the barracks door was open, did you happen to see a soldier standing there?"

She replies simply but nicely, "No, all I saw was an old veteran sitting on two saddle bags."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexlax

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks for some Sexlax.

The pharmacist replies, "You mean Ex-lax."

The man says, "No, I mean Sexlax - I don't have any trouble going!"

Joke: Sexlax

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks for some Sexlax.

The pharmacist replies, "You mean Ex-lax."

The man says, "No, I mean Sexlax - I don't have any trouble going!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexlax

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks for some Sexlax.

The pharmacist replies, "You mean Ex-lax."

The man says, "No, I mean Sexlax - I don't have any trouble going!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexlax

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks for some Sexlax.

The pharmacist replies, "You mean Ex-lax."

The man says, "No, I mean Sexlax - I don't have any trouble going!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Stock show

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[worldangel]

Joke: Guess, what it is?

The teacher was very impressed with Timmy's answer to her question so she told him to come up to the front of the class, close his eyes and hold out his hands for a surprise.

"But first," she said, "You have to guess what it is."

"A toy?"

"No."

"A new pencil?"

"No."

"A basketball?"

"No...." said the teacher as she held the Hershey's kiss right above his opened hands.

"Let me give you a hint. It's something your dad asks you mom for every day before he leaves for work."

"Don't touch it, Timmy!!" yells little Johnny. "It's a piece of ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: If your heart is as soft as your …

A man walks up to the front desk in a hotel lobby, he hears something in the background, and suddenly turns around and ends up elbowing a beautiful woman in the breast.

Very apologetic, he says: "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me..."

The woman says: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two women fishing

Two women are fishing. Lisa always catches the most fish.

Wanda asked her, "How do you do it? Every time we go fishing you always catch the most fish."

Lisa replied, "When I wake up in the morning if my husband’s thing is hanging off to the left, I fish off the left side of the boat. If his thing is hanging off to the right I fish off the right side of the boat."

Wanda says, "What if his thing is standing straight up?”

Lisa says, "Then you don't go fishing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet rooster, Clucky

A farmer and a pet rooster went everywhere together.

One day they went to a movie and as the farmer got close to the ticket window the clerk said, "I'm sorry but you can't take animals into the theater."

The man looked sad and said "But this is my pet rooster, Clucky. He goes wherever I go."

"Oh, I understand. But if that is the case, you should not come in either."

The farmer sighed and said, "Well this time I will leave him in the truck!”

So the farmer went around the corner and stuffed Clucky down his pants.

He then went back, got his ticket, went into the theater, and sat down next to two old ladies.

About halfway through the movie Clucky started struggling so the farmer unzipped his pants to let him stick his head out.

The first old lady saw this and turned to her friend and whispered, "Patsy, you’re not going to believe this but the man next to me has just unzipped his pants and let his thing out."

Patsy turned to her friend and said, "Well just ignore him. Besides, at our age, we've seen plenty."

"Well normally I would agree with you, but this one eating my popcorn!"