Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Free meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Best steak I’ve ever had

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays.

After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him."

"No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

[worldangel]

Joke: On Fire

An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken. A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?"

The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?" The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!"

He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Best buy

A blonde lady was stuck in a snowstorm when she remembered her dad's advice: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, wait until a snowplow drives by and then follow it."

Eventually she saw a snowplow so she followed it along in her car. After 30 minutes, the snowplow driver stopped, got out, and walked up to the woman's car asking, "Lady, why are you following me?"

She explained what her father had told her and the driver said, "Well I'm done with the Walmart parking lot now. Do you want to follow me to Best Buy?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Macho man

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night, whether you're here or not."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two friends

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux was friends. One day, Boudreaux saw Thibodeaux driving a brand new Ford.

He said, "Thibodeaux, where'd you get that new truck? You don't have no job." Tibodeaux said, "You know Mrs. Patty? She's been sweet on me for quite some time. Today, she took me out into the woods in this here truck.

She got out the truck, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Thibodeaux, take what you want.' So I took the truck." Boudreaux said, "Well dats good for you Thibodeaux, because her clothes would never fit you."

[worldangel]

Joke: No dress up like girl

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

[worldangel]

Joke: This isn’t my first husband

There was a lady in her 90s who became a sort of local celebrity because she had recently gotten married. The local news station decided to interview her. The interviewer asked questions like how it was to be a newlywed in her 90s.

"This isn't my first husband, so it's not much different than the others," she replied with a smile.

"Oh? How many husbands have you had?" the interviewer inquired. "This one will be my fourth," she replied.

"I was married in my 20s to a banker, then in my 40s to a circus performer. After that I married a preacher."

"What does your current husband do?"

"Oh he's a funeral director."

The interviewer laughed and then asked how she came to marry these men from such different backgrounds and personalities.

"It always made sense to me," she replied. "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[worldangel]

Joke: Quirk in the bedroom

A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom.

He'd only have sex with the lights off.

The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.

However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.

She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.

There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."

The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids."

[worldangel]

Joke: Good morning Sir

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just could not seem to get to work on time. Every day he was five, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. Nevertheless, he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but you are being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That is what I like to hear. It is odd though, you are coming in late. I know you are retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank robbery case

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge.The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?""Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me,"The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court.

""We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman.The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The defendant`s attorney turns to his client and asks,"So, what do you think about that?"The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says,"I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t ever underestimate old guys

John saw his old friend Tom, a seventy five-year-old planter, in town.

Tom had lost his wife some years before and rumor had it that he was marrying his young maid.

Being a good friend, John asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. John then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now John, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by a seventy five-year-old man.

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy John tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the plantation, knowing that the nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About five months later, John ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?' asked John.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

John, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate old guys.

[worldangel]

Joke: Flawless husband wanted

Anita was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks.

Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper.

Anita wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed."

Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

"Can I help you?" Anita asked.

He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"

Anita was baffled. She said, "Excuse me."

"I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you."

"But are you good in bed?" Anita asked.

He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?"

[worldangel]

Joke: I want to be irresistible

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women."

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

[worldangel]

Joke: I thought I’d gone deaf

A drunken man is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I’ve been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you’ve had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[worldangel]

Joke: Making a fortune

A youngster asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time re- investing my profits into buying more apples."

"Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your fortune?"

"Nah", said the old man, then the fortunate thing happened

*

*

*

*

*

*

"my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[worldangel]

Joke: Romantic on SMS

He sends him the following message on SMS:

My love

If you're sleeping, send me your dreams

If you're smiling, send me your smile

If you're crying, send me your tears

I love you...

He replies:

I'm in the toilet.

What do I send?

[worldangel]

Joke: Stingy taxi driver

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lostthe shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the secondhalf of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport hecould get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino wherethere was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his creditcard numbers, his driver’s license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabby said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to have sex with me?""What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[worldangel]

Joke: Casino money

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000.

He didn't want anyone to know about it, so when he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.

The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

He screamed at the professor, "You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"

The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

[worldangel]

Joke: Never lie to your mom

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, his son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."

He sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love,

your son

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow…

Love,

Mom.

[worldangel]

Joke: Impact on job change

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said:

"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a van carrying dead Bodies for the last 25 years.......you can imagine what went into my mind when u touched my back!!

[worldangel]

Joke: You save someone spends

A phone bill came out exceptionally high. Big Dad, the head of household called an immediate meeting of the family.

Dad pleaded, "I do not use our phone unless someone calls at home. I use work phone for local, national and international phone calls."

The son explained, "Me too dad, I use my work phone, or borrow friends' phone but rarely call some one on our home phone"

The daughter said same thing. "Dad I am so busy with work and promotion that I always use work phone and rarely use home phone."

Mom was in line with others and said I use my work phone and never have time to use home phone."

They all looked to maid who was listening. The maid got annoyed and said I am no different and same way, "I work here and use my work phone."

[worldangel]

Joke: Easy way to get screwed

A police patrolman was making his evening rounds in the town. He came around driving a used car lot and saw two older ladies sitting in a used car.

He stopped and inquired with them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting."

Joke: A happy family

Boy was introducing, "Hi, my father's name is "Laughing" and my mother's name is "Smiling".

Girl was surprised, "Really? You must be Kidding!"

Boy defended, "No, no, that's my brother's name. I am 'JOKING'."

[worldangel]

Joke: A happy family

Boy was introducing, "Hi, my father's name is "Laughing" and my mother's name is "Smiling".

Girl was surprised, "Really? You must be Kidding!"

Boy defended, "No, no, that's my brother's name. I am 'JOKING'."

[worldangel]

Joke: All dues cleared

A beautiful girl went to buy the cloth to design a fancy dress for herself in a Fabric speciality Store. The smart male store owner took this woman customer for himself displayed her many varieties and kept on enjoying company. Girl selected one expensive fabric, asked him "How much for this pretty cloth"

The smirking and winking owner said, "Oh this is one kiss per yard."

The girl smiled and said, "OK cut 10 yards and pack it up please"

The hot owner did all that without bill. Girl grabbed and secured the package in her hands, smiled at him, pointed out the old man behind her and said, Grandpa will pay your bill and walked away. Afraid of sexual harassment male owner settled with cold water shower.

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 talented corporate parrots

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.

The next day he went to the pet shop and saw three identical parrots in a cage.

He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?

The owner said it was Rs. 2500.

"Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?

"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk.

"He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."

The man then asked what the second parrot cost.

The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,

but is an expert computer programmer.

Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.

The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."

Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.

The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.

But the other two call him " BOSS"!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart electrical engineer

Three guys go down to Mexico one night, get drunk and wake up in jail. They find out that they're to be executed for their crimes but none of them can remember what they have done.

The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am a priest and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens; so they figure God must not want this guy to die, and let him go.

The second one is strapped in and gives his last words. "I am an attorney and I believe in the eternal power of Justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." The switch is thrown and again nothing happens.

Figuring the law is on this guy's side, they let him go.

The last one is strapped in and say's "I'm an electrical engineer, and I'll tell you right now, you'll never electrocute anybody if you don't connect those two wires." God rest his soul.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hotel bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."

'But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

[worldangel]

Joke: A man with no bad habits

A man was waiting for a taxi. A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money. Suddenly an idea struck him.

He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar. The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar. The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good". The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver". The man smiled again.

He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".

The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no Bad habits looks like.

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandpa, what are you doing?

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck ....This was your Grandma's idea."

[worldangel]

Joke: Going to play a game

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game.

She would place an object behind her and describe it. The first person to get it got a piece of candy.

First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees." A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct.

Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors” a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct.

Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?" The teacher said yes.

He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it."

The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!"

Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You dam fool

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Olympic condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver ... it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An eagle perched on a tree

An eagle was perched in a tree and was watching the skies for a partner.

Soon a lark flew past, and suddenly there was lots of squawking and the flurry of feathers.

Finally, the lark emerged from the tree and said, "I'm a lark, and I've been sparked."

Later, a dove flew past the same tree. Again there was squawking and feathers flying.

Moments later the dove emerged from the tree and said, "I'm a dove, and I've been loved."

Still unsatisfied, the eagle waited for more bird life.

Soon a duck flew by. Again there was more squawking and feathers in the air.

Finally the duck emerged and said, "I'm a drake and there's been a terrible mistake!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An eagle perched on a tree

An eagle was perched in a tree and was watching the skies for a partner.

Soon a lark flew past, and suddenly there was lots of squawking and the flurry of feathers.

Finally, the lark emerged from the tree and said, "I'm a lark, and I've been sparked."

Later, a dove flew past the same tree. Again there was squawking and feathers flying.

Moments later the dove emerged from the tree and said, "I'm a dove, and I've been loved."

Still unsatisfied, the eagle waited for more bird life.

Soon a duck flew by. Again there was more squawking and feathers in the air.

Finally the duck emerged and said, "I'm a drake and there's been a terrible mistake!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Ladies room mirror

In Las Vegas there's a nightclub that has a very special mirror in the ladies room. When you stand in front of this mirror and tell a lie the mirror swallows you.

A rather ugly woman stands in front of the mirror and says: "I think I am the most beautiful woman in the whole world!"

*SHUM!* The mirror swallows her...

Then a fat woman stands in front of it and says: "I think I am the sexiest woman on earth!"

*SHUM!* The mirror swallows her...

Afterwards a very good looking-sexy blonde stands in front of the mirror and says: "I think...

*SHUM!*

[worldangel]

Joke: Inheriting the grandmother’s heritage

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter:

"I may die any minute so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, tractor, the farmhouse and all the livestock and $22,389,630.00 cash".

The granddaughter replied: "Wow!!" 'Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it??"

Granny says with her last dying breath....."It's on my Facebook."

[worldangel]

Joke: Parrot action

Santa went to an auction and bid for a parrot. Santa bid 1000 rupees, but someone else bid 2000.

Santa bid 2500 rupees, but someone else bid 3000 Rupees.

Santa bid 3500 rupees, but someone else bid 4000 Rupees.

Santa was determined to buy the bird and put in a final bid of 4500 Rupees. This time there were no other bids and the parrot was sold to Santa.

"That's a lot of money I've paid for this bird," said Santa to the auctioneer. "I hope he can talk."

"Of course he can," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Stuttering problem

Banta, although ordinarily eloquent, had the misfortune of stuttering badly when excited.

Once, when walking with his friend Santa down a crowded city street, he said with great excitement, "L-l-l-l-look at that g-g-g-girl. W-w-w-what a f-f-f-f-f-f-figure!"

"Where? Where?" demanded Santa, equally excited, once Jones had managed to get his message across.

"Too late," said Banta, quite calm. "She walked into a building."

A moment later, he said, "L-l-l-l-look at that c-c-c-car. N-n-n-n- never saw s-s-s-s-s----"

"Where? Where?" demanded Santa again.

"Turned the corner," said Banta briefly.

A few minutes passed and Banta began again, "L-l-l-l-l-look..."

Santa, weary of having everything over before Banta could finish, said, "It's all right. I see, I see..."

There was a brief pause and then Banta said, "If you saw it, why did you step in it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Swollen foot

Santa goes to the podiatrist with a swollen foot. After a careful examination, the doctor hands him a pill that looks big enough to choke a horse.

"I will be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.

The doctor has been gone a while, and Santa is losing his patience. He hobbles outside to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat, and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat.

Santa then hobbles back into the examining room. Just then the doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water.

"Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that foot for about 20 minutes."

[worldangel]

Joke: Heavily drunk

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in.

"Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."

"Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties.

"Why are there two twenties?" she asks.

The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: What a relief!

Banta tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn't to use the stairs until the cast came off.

The weeks later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery.

"Oh good," Banta responded. "Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?"

"Yes," said the doctor, "if you promise to be careful."

"I can't tell you what a relief it will be," he sighed. "It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Weird dream!

Preeto went to see a psychiatrist about her husband Santa (he wouldn't go with her).

"Doctor, my husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"

"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."

Preeto leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence, "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Santa sleeps with his mouth open and his little light keeps me awake!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Jeff the bellboy

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button..Va-voom."

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."

At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."

"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."

"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.

Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.

"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'."

[worldangel]

Joke:Two lovers

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck.

True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the séance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's great. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time, the grass is so green and the cows have such beautiful eyes."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a bull in Montana."

[worldangel]

Joke: My husband’s home

A man came down with the flu and was forced to stay home one day. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him.

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a delivery man or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled,

"My husband's home! My husband's home!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drink & drive

One day a blonde felt like being a rebel, so she decided that she would drink and drive.

She found a cop car in the parking lot of a donut shop, so she started to drive around, circling the cop car.

After about 10 minutes of driving round and round she got fed up, so she parked the car, got out and walked over to the cop car, looked at the cop and said, “Aren’t you going to arrest me?”

The cop asked, “why?”

She replied, “Cause I was drinking and driving!”

The cop looked at her in bewilderment and answered, “We can’t arrest you if you’re driving while drinking… water!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexual survey

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood.

"How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. "Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.

"That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.

"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's my wife."

[worldangel]

Joke: Need a break

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that I would do something crazy. So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

Santa, my co-worker asked me what I was doing. I told him that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the boss came into the office and asked, "What in the name of goodness are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office....

When my co-worker, Santa followed me, the Boss asked him, "And where do you think you're going?"

Santa replied, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My buddy

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves". I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment.

George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?"

Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'."