Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The Bus

A lady about seven months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.

The main replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said "The Gold Dust Twins are coming," and I had to smile.

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Sloan's Liniment will reduce the swelling" and I had to grin.

"Then she placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly control myself.

"BUT...when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident," I laughed out loud."

"Case Dismissed!" said the Judge.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank Etiquette

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."

So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Retired Pirate

After many years at sea a pirate decided it was time to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job he thought that he could also collect disability insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right

hand should be and a patch over his right eye. The agency assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" In a booming voice the pirate replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME LEG."

"Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand." In a booming voice the pirate replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: ME AND ME MATES WERE ON THE HIGH SEAS WHEN THE BOOM SHE SWANG 'ROUND AND KNOCKED ME INTO THE SEA WHERE A SHARK BIT OFF ME HAND."

"Well that is certainly work related. How did you lose your eye." In a booming voice the pirate replied:

"WELL MATEY, YOU SEE IT WAS LIKE THIS: I WAS LAYING ON THE DECK ONE BALMY DAY CATCHING SOME RAYS WHEN THIS *%#@* SEAGULL FLEW BY AND DROPPED HIS DUTY RIGHT IN ME EYE!"

"Well yes, but what does that have to do with the loss of your eye?"

"IT WERE THE FIRST DAY WITH ME HOOK!" :whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Half Sister

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town.

She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you." "Look at your mother, George.

She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom,

so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June.

" Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news.

"Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid!

He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained.

"Every time I fall in love, dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hehehe," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."

[worldangel]

Joke: IRS Audit

A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied.

Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the Rabbi.

"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'

But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bar Bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time ( weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender payed the $1000, and asked the little man," what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied," I work for the IRS."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Mouthed Parrot

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.

Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says,"OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.

This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes.

Then it suddenly gets very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird might be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Airplane Takes Off

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles.

The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"

Silence.

Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking,

the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Walmart Clerk

A woman goes into Walmart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Walmart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir .....can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says , "Ma'am I'm blind but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line......

It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it"

He walks behind the counter to the register. And in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes

that there is no way he could tell it was her ... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."

She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50!"

:whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Gold Coins

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son.

It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins). There were many sizes, from dime to dollar.

I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.

The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom.

Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"

The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."

To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"

With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."

And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"

:whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Future Employees

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs.

Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,

Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

:whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Subway Poke

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand.

One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said, "Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!"

"I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket."

"Oh really" she spat. "then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour."

[worldangel]

Joke: Corn Wagon

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Tests

Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.

2nd Child: Why are you crying?

1st Child: I came here for blood test.

2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?

1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.

1st Child: Why are you crying now?

2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!

[worldangel]

Joke: I’ve Made Up My Mind

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. "I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it. I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know. I really don't want to get into it anymore than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it. I haven't told her yet. Believe me it hasn't been easy. I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash. I'm going to take the first flight down. Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."

"Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her. I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow. "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises. After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do, to get them to come down next year?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy and Horse

I had a near death experience yesterday afternoon that has changed me forever.

I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control.

I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things couldn't possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrups...

When this happened I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder and harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Walmart Manager came out and unplugged it!

[worldangel]

Joke: Traffic Stop

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin.

They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints.

And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good.

I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye know.

Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.

The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."

Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me???!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Writer’s Hell

A writer died and St. Peter offered him the option of going to hell or to heaven.

To help decide, he asked for a tour of each destination. St. Peter agreed and decided to take him to hell first.

As he descended into the fiery pits, the writer saw row upon row of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop.

As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes by demons. "Oh, my," the writer said, "let me see heaven."

A few moments later, as they ascended into heaven, the writer saw row upon row of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop.

As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes by demons. "Hey," the writer said, "this is just as bad as hell."

"Oh, no it's not," St Peter replied, "here your work gets published!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Survival Guide

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert.

"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc.

Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.

"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why's that Timmy?"

"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

"Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, "Put that red nine on top of that black ten!" :whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Guess Who Sent Them

A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.

After 2 weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.

Since this was a new home, the process took some time.

The silver went into the closet, items were put on the walls for display and some of the more intimate apparel was put in the bedroom drawers.

A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.

They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this. Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line.

"Guess who sent them."

The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort. They went to the theatre, and had a wonderful time.

On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.

And on the bare table in the dining-room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:

"Now you know!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Death Row

A lawyer walks into his client's death row cell and says, "I've got good news, and bad news for you."

The prisoner says, "Okay. What's the bad news?"

"The bad news is that the Governor won't issue a stay of your execution."

"Oh that's terrible. What possibly could be the good news?"

"The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!" :whistle:

[clementi]

Joke: 69

Once a girl is quite fantasized about "69". She has a regular boyfriend they have never done it before.

One day she invites her boyfriend to her apartment for romantic dinner.

After heavy dinner, she tells him that she wants to do "69".

But the Boyfriend doesn't have any idea about what is 69.

Girlfriend gets upset but thinks that she can teach him how to do 69.

she asks him to lay down...and she then lays on top of him in reverse direction so as in 69.

The boyfriend is confused but is eager to know about 69. so he does as the GF tells him to do.

they lay down in this position for about 2 min. she is thinking that He will, by the time, get excited by this.

but suddenly the GF has to let go one Fart...directly on her BF's face.

GF quickly apologizes and asks him to stay in that position for some more time.

after 1 min she has to let go one another fart....this time bigger than the previous.

The BF quickly throws her away, gets up, starts dressing up and yells at her..

"If you think I am gonna take 67 more like this, you are MAD"

[clementi]

Joke: Pussy On Fire

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in

The alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on

His knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets

Out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic

Hair... It's so curly and thick... It's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire.

:whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist! :whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Red Lights

My friend Joe and I were crusing down the street in Joe's new car, when we came to an intersection.

Even though we had the red light, he drove right through, nearly hitting a passing car.

"What the heck are you doing, Joe!" I asked him after I had regained my wits.

"Bill always does it," he replied calmly. A block later was another red, but Joe pushed the petal to the metal, almost killing us.

"Bill always does it," he said again.

At the next intersection we had a green light, and Joe slammed on the brakes. "Your supposed to go," I told him. "Get going!"

"But Bill might be coming!" he exclaimed.

[worldangel]

Joke: Home Medical Remedy

A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"

The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table.

The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.

The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.

"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'

[worldangel]

Joke: Maternal Miracles

A woman went to her doctor's office where she was seen by a young new doctor.

After about four minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out screaming and ran down the hallway.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. She told him her story.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor and demanded:

"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Smith is 59 years old, has four grown children, seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?!?!

The new doctor continued writing on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools;

your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position,

and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms:

red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" :whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: The Psychiatrist and Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

:whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor! Doctor! Give Me The News

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.

Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.

That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman.

She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

:whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary Mistake

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ed has been missing since Friday.

[clementi]

The Happy Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: What Are You In For?

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four.

They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze."

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Conversation with Mom...

Mother: 'Hello?'

Daughter: 'Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?'

Mother: 'You're going out?'

Daughter: 'Yes.'

Mother: 'With whom?'

Daughter: 'With a friend.'

Mother: 'I don't know why you left your husband. He is such a good man.'

Daughter: 'MOM, I didn't leave him. He left me!'

Mother: 'You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.'

Daughter: 'MA, I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?'

Mother: 'I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.'

Daughter: 'There are lots of things that you did and I don't.'

Mother: 'What are you hinting at?

Daughter: 'Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight..'

Mother: 'You're going to stay the night with him? What will your husband say if he finds out?'

Daughter: 'MA, its My EX husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone!'

Mother: 'So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?'

Daughter: 'MOM, He's not a loser.'

Mother: 'A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite.'

Daughter: 'MA, I don't want to argue; should I bring over the kids or not?'

Mother: 'Poor children with such a mother.'

Daughter: 'Such a what?'

Mother: 'With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.'

Daughter: 'ENOUGH MA!!!'

Mother: 'Don't scream at me. You probably scream at the loser too!'

Daughter: 'Great MA, Now you're worried about the loser?'

Mother: 'Ah, so you see he is a loser and I spotted him immediately.'

Daughter: 'Goodbye, mother.'

Mother: 'Wait! Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over? '

Daughter: 'I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!'

Mother: 'If you never go out ...how do you expect to meet anyone'

[worldangel]

Joke: The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started:

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Edited December 21, 2008 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Oh, My Aching Back...

Thought I'd let my doctor check me,

'Cause I didn't feel quite right.

All those aches and pains annoyed me.

And I couldn't sleep at night.

He could find no real disorder

But he wouldn't let it rest.

What with Medicare and Blue Cross,

We would do a couple tests.

To the hospital he sent me

Though I didn't feel that bad.

He arranged for them to give me

Every test that could be had.

I was fluoroscoped and cystoscoped,

My aging frame displayed.

Stripped, on an ice cold table,

While my gizzards were x-rayed.

I was checked for worms and parasites,

For fungus and the crud,

While they pierced me with long needles

Taking samples of my blood.

Doctors came to check me over,

Probed and pushed and poked around,

And to make sure I was living

They then wired me for sound.

They have finally concluded,

Their results have filled a page.

What I have will someday kill me;

My affliction is OLD AGE!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Friends

3 friends went for the same interview. Andy, Ron n Lawrence.

Andy met the Interviewer who was without ears.

Interviewer asked Andy......what distinct appearance do you noticed on my face or my head.

Andy answered: You have no ears.........'get out' said the Interviewer.

Next Ron went in but was warned by Andy......being direct n honest, he said: You have no ears..........'get lost' said the angry Interviewer.

Finally Lawrence went in assuring Andy n Ron that he will be careful. Interviewer asked the same question.........

Lawrence said: I noticed that you are wearing contact lenses.......'very clever, very good.......... said the Interviewer.

By the way, how do you noticed that I was wearing contact lenses...........Lawrence replied..........

'yon tau now' no ears to support spectacles so definitely use contact lenses.....GET OUT YOU INHUMAN.....said the furious Interviewer. :whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Sitting Swimmingly

Three guys enter a special swimming contest whereby each contestant is born disabled. The first has no arms. The second has no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

The prospect of the race was a bit ridiculous, but the three had all trained and such a contest was historic, so many people gathered to watch.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. Everybody applauds, (except the guy with no arms, of course).

The guy with no legs can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides, with all good sportsmanship, to dive down to the bottom of the pool to rescue his fellow competitor.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

Eventually the head catches his breath. He takes a moment and then begins to fume. His face red and steaming, he turns to the crowd and shouts:

"Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some jerk puts a swimming cap on me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Secret To A Happy Marriage

A man and woman had been married for more than 65 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving.

He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.

[worldangel]

Joke: Different Strokes

A chicken farmer went to a local bar; sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says: 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence,' the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence,' says the man.

As they clinked glasses, the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologists told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I am a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile,

but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs.

'That's great!' says the woman : 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence as well ....'

[worldangel]

Joke: You vs. Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.

When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.

When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.

When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.

When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.

When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.

When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.

When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.

When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.

When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.

When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

[worldangel]

Joke The Salary Theory

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since:

Knowledge = Power

Time = Money

Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

[worldangel]

Joke: Notre Dame

A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke.

"Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team.

And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame.

That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame.

Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?"

"Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

[worldangel]

Joke: Aerobics Instructor Humor

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well mannered professional torturer?

A. The torturer would apologize first.

Q. Why did the aerobics instructor cross the road?

A. Someone on the other side could still walk.

Q. What do aerobics instructors and people who make bacon have in common?

A. They both tear hams into shreds.

Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!

Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?

A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

Q. What do you call an aerobics instructor who doesn't cause pain and agony?

A. Unemployed.

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?

A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

[clementi]

Joke: What Sex is Polly?

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She

calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all

would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what

comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out

a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one

look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at

it, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Health Care Blues

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Well, in that case...send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Wife’s Special Birthday Present

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, John! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh, no,” says John. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

”How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, and says “Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” John’s wife,

now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real b*tch tonight, John.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost and Endangered

A hiker became lost and ends up spending the next three days wandering around in the woods looking for food.

Finally, he spots a bald eagle perched on a ledge, hits it with a big rock, and begins eating the bird raw.

A park ranger stumbles onto the scene, finds the hiker eating the bird, and arrests him for killing an endangered species.

In court the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask - what did the bald eagle taste like?”

“Well, your honor,” the hiker says, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Blond Painter

An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door,

canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The blonde said, “How about 50 dollars?” The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” he asked.

“Yes,” the blonde answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the blonde added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man, with a seeing eye dog at his side, walks into his local grocery store. He walks to the middle of the store,

picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who up until this point thought he had seen it all, thinks this is quite strange.

So he decides to find out what’s going on.

The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and asks, “Pardon me. May I help you with something?”

The blind man replies, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”