Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Is your date running late?

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asks.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing knickers!"

The man explains, "Damn, thing must be an hour fast."

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinks are on the house

A guy goes into a bar and sits down. The bartender asks what he will have and the guy says he will have a beer AND a shot.

"Big night?" asked the barkeep.

"I'll say. I just had my first blowjob tonight!"

The bartender says "That's great! These drinks will be on the house!"

As he puts them down, the guys says "Thanks! These should help get the taste out of my mouth."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sam goes to the doctor

Sam, who just turned 86, goes to the doctor.

Doctor: "How are you doing, Sam?"

Sam: "Good! I just married a beautiful 25 year old and we are now expecting our first child."

Doctor: "Oh wow. That reminds me of something that happened to me recently."

Sam: "Oh yeah? What?"

Doctor: "Well I was walking in the woods one day and I came across a rabbit. I lifted my walking stick, pointed it at the rabbit and yelled 'BANG!' Suddenly the rabbit fell over, dead. What do you think about that, Sam?"

Sam thinks for a minute

Sam: "Well, I think somebody else pumped a round into that rabbit!"

Doctor: "My point exactly!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Story of engaged man

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me ... it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, without underwear or a bra. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to our family!!!"

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[worldangel]

Joke: IT engineer, doctor (take a break)

An IT engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail.”

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000, and goes to the clinic.

Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”

IT Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “This is gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You've got your taste back. The will be $500.”

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back a couple days later to recover his money

Doctor: “ I’ve lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Doctor: “But that’s gasoline!”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500.”

The Doctor leaves angrily, and comes back a few days later, more determined than ever to make his money back.

Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”

Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that problem. Take this $1,000,” passing the Doctor $500.

Doctor: “But this is only $500…”

Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The farmer’s interview

In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.

This “TRUE” interview went as follows:

The lady reporter: “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”

The farmer stared at the reporter and said: “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"

Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): “Well, sir, that's a new piece of information but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”

Farmer: “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”

Reporter: “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”

Farmer: “I am getting to the point, Miss.” “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't YOU get mad?”

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED.

[worldangel]

Joke: Internet vs Reality

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.

After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out,

"Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds!"

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.

"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Infidelity

I want to divorce my husband; said the shapely blonde to her lawyer.

On what grounds, the lawyer asked.

Infidelity, I don't think he's the father of my child, she replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Looked into keyhole

Once in the middle of the night two little boys got up to get some water from the kitchen.

On their way past their parent's bedroom they heard a funny sound coming out from there.

The oldest boy looked into the keyhole. He backed up and said, "I can't believe it!"

The younger brother looked in afterwards and said, "And she yells at me for sucking my thumb!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Deaf dog

Frank's neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. The problem was hair in the ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some 'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady went to the drug store and got some 'Nair' hair remover.

At the register the pharmacist told her, 'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days. The lady said, 'I'm not using it under my arms.

The pharmacist said... 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days. The lady said, 'I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer. The pharmacist said, 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Feeling her boobs

I told a girl in the bar about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really?" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?"

"Yesterday." I replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Who was that?

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.

They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...

"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly Joke

An elderly woman went to the doctor complaining of recent intestinal problems.

"Doctor I have terrible gas lately, but it doesn't smell or make noise."

The doctor prescribed some pills and told the elderly woman to return in two weeks.

After two weeks the woman returned to the doctor saying, "Doctor, I don't know what were in those pills, but now my gas smells terrible!"

The doctor said, "I see we have cleared up your sinuses. Now let's work on your hearing."

[worldangel]

Joke: A little monkey business

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he's there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey, please".

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000". The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, "That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh", says the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff."

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.

He gasps to the shop keeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

"Well," says the shopkeeper, "I don't know if it actually does anything, but says it's a Consultant.

[worldangel]

Joke: Flowers

"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.

"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.

"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."

"I don't have a sweetheart, either."

"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lemon squeeze at the bar

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing Rs 10,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time but nobody could do it. One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses.

"I'd like to try the bet," he said in a tiny, squeaky voice.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the Rs 10,000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?

"I work for the Income Tax department."

[worldangel]

Joke: Driver’s licensee

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

'Mommy', the little girl asks,'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks,'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks.'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex.'

[worldangel]

Joke: You did what to my steak?

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

Edited April 24, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Escaped convicts

Three convicts escape from jail and are being chased by police. They turn onto a dark alley and spot a bunch of potato sacks. Each of the three hide in one.

A policeman quickly comes through the scene and hears a rustling from the potato sacks. He goes over to them and kicks the first potato sack

.

'Meow!' says the a convict. And the policeman goes to the next muttering, 'Stupid cats.'

He kicks the second potato sack and the second convict says, 'Woof!'

'Stupid dogs!' says the policeman while moving on to the next potato sack. The policeman kicks it, nothing, so he kicks it again and the last convict says, 'Potato potato!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Display of Authority

A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Texas ranch and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation.

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified.

So the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...."Your card! Show him Your card!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Apprehended, completely nude

A young Major was apprehended, completely nude, while chasing a woman though the lobby of a large hotel. However, his lawyer soon had him freed on a technicality.

The Army manual specifically states that an officer need not be in uniform, provided he is properly attired for the sport in which he is engaged.

[worldangel]

Joke: Head to the store to buy condoms

Two elderly ladies are smoking outside.

It started raining and one of the ladies pulls out a condom, cuts the end off and puts it over her cigarette so it won't get wet.

The other lady thinks this is a great idea so she decides to head to the store to buy some condoms.

When she gets there she goes to the counter and asks the cashier for a pack of condoms.

He looks at her in disgust as he can't believe someone of her age would be having sex.

He asks what kind she would like anyways as he doesn't want to lose his job.

She replies "Honey, it doesn't matter what kind as long as it fits a camel."

[worldangel]

Joke: Here’s to the rest of my life

 

A good man Rich was with his friends having a contest to see who could make the best drinking toast. He hoisted his beer and said "Here's to the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!" And that won him the prize that night. 

He went home and told his wife that he won the prize for the best toast. And she said "What was your toast?" Not wanting to get in trouble he said "Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife." 

The next day she ran into one of his buddies in the street. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "Rich won the prize the other night with a toast to you Nicole." 

She said, "So he did, and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three buddies

 

 

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates.

 

They are all asked: 'When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning, what would you like to hear them say about you?'

 

The first guy says: 'I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man.'

 

The second guy says: 'I would like to hear that I was a school teacher who made a huge difference.'

 

The last guy replies: 'I would like to hear them say... "LOOK .. HE'S MOVING!"'

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: School reunion

 

My husband and I were sitting at a table at my 20th anniversary secondary school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.

 

My husband asked: "Do you know him?"

 

"Yes," I sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

 

"My goodness!" says my husband. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s our money

 

A woman walks up to her husband and says "Honey, give me $100.00. I found a beautiful dress I want, and it's on sale!" 

The husband, without taking his eyes off the TV, says "I'm not gonna give you $100.00. You have plenty of dresses." 

The wife says "We both work and it's not just your money. It's our money. Give me $100.00." 

The husband turns off the T.V., stands, and takes off his pants. 

"Put these on!" he says. 

The wife looks at his huge britches, and says, "I can't wear your pants, and they’re too big." 

The man, with a satisfied smile, says "That's right...'cause I wear the pants in the family." 

The wife takes off her pants and says, "Put these on!!!" 

The husband says, "I can't get into your pants!" 

The wife, with a satisfied smile, says "That's right.... you can't.... and you won't.... until I have that $100.00!!!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 1

 

Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of the trouble in the flat where they lived.

 

The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 2

When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars.

 

When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 3

 

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession...even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age!"
 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 4

 

A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get married.

Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?

 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 5

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

 

A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 6

 

 

Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?

Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter

 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 7

 

Two women were talking about their new milkman.

First: He's very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said the other.
 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 8

 

"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"

Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.

"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 9

 

Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then suddenly Santa fell down in a deep hole.
Banta: Are you ok?

Santa: Fine thanks!
Banta: Did you break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here!

 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 10

 

 

An old: Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.

 

Doc: That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.
 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 11

Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?

New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 12

 

 

There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It reads "We may never piss this way again."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 13

 

 

Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagara falls. These are the world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard! Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the Niagara Falls??

 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 14

 

 

Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?

A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you continue to do so.
 

[clementi]

Joke: Short jokes 15

A guy took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling people for their views on various issues. On his very first call, he introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."

 

A man on the other end replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: MTV Bakra

 

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. 

The gentleman bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative assistant's face appears.

He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!! He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"

"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication, " the Gentleman explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash was handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases. 

The gentleman stops, smiles and replies,
..
..
..
..

..
..

..

"No, they are yours now. They are the modems you always need to carry for your new watch."

[worldangel]

Joke: Men are like

 

 

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can
walk all over them for years

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they dont generate much interest

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you're not quite sure why

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . High Heels, they're easy to walk on once you get the hang of
it.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.

MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The pigmy

 

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes".

 

"How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"

"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.

 

"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"

The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The two tigers

 

TWO tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says: "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other's backside again. The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologizes.

 

After another five minutes, he does it again. The front tiger turns and says: "What is it with you? I told you to stop." The other tiger says: "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Linguistics professor

 

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.

 

However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dress party

 

A bloke went to his mate's fancy dress party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.

"So what the hell are you supposed to be?" the host asked.

 

"I'm a snail." The bloke replied.

"What a load of rubbish!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"

 

"That's not a naked girl, mate," the bloke replied, "that's Michelle".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Couldn’t get the two together

 

A man wanted his bull and a cow to mate; he tried everything but couldn't get the two together.

So he went to get some advice from a farmer who had the same problem. The farmer told he to put his hand up the cow's pussy and then rub his hand around the bulls nose.

He went home and did this and then the cow and bull were at it non-stop.

He wondered if it would work on humans so he rubbed his hand around his wife's pussy and rubbed it around his face and he got the biggest boner ever so he woke his wife up and said look!

She turned to him and said, "You woke me up to show me you have a nose bleed?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Talent show

 

A FARMER and his wife decided to hold a talent show for their animals in which each contestant would recite a passage from Shakespeare. The prize would be a big marquee with a glitter ball inside.

 

The pig performed a piece from Hamlet; the cow chose Richard III and the sheep picked MacBeth.

After much deliberation the farmer and his wife picked the best entry, announcing: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cycle path

 

A piece of black tarmac walks into a pub and asks for a pint. The barman serves him, but just as the tarmac is sitting down in walks another piece of tarmac, this time painted orange. Terrified, the black tarmac leaps over the bar to hide.

 

"What's wrong?" asks the bemused barman, to which the tarmac replies: "I don't mess with him, he's a cycle path!"