Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Driving a cart

 

A man was driving a horse and cart along a country road at an angle of 45 degrees. After three miles like this, he asked a passer-by: "How long does this blasted hill last?"

 

"This isn't a hill," came the reply. "Your back wheels are off!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You’ll love my place

 

A lawyer was driving in his 4x4 when he saw two men alongside the road eating grass. Disturbed, he stopped to investigate, and asked them: "Why are you eating grass?"

 

"We don't have any money for food," one of the men replied. "We have to eat grass." The lawyer replied: "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you." The men thanked him and got in the back of the car, then the lawyer said:

 

"You'll love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy man

 

While driving down the road a motorist passed a fairground and he noticed a fortune teller sitting under a canopy outside, laughing and smiling. The motorist drove on for a couple of miles down the road then spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller.

 

He pulled up next to the woman, jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her."What are you doing?" asked the injured woman. The man replied: "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy man’

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Superstitious

 

Two men are robbing a hotel. "I hear sirens. Jump!" says the first one. "But we're on the 13th floor!" his fellow thief replies. "This is no time to be superstitious!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men

 

A youngster rushed into a barber's shop and asked to be given a haircut and a shave immediately.

"You wait your turn young man," said the barber, "I will get to you after the others waiting before you have been attended to. It will take an hour or two."

The young fellow ran out of the barber's shop. He came the next day, the day after and for many days subsequently. Every time he was told to wait his turn, he fled.

Not being able to contain his curiosity, the barber asked his assistant to follow the young man and find out where he came from and where he went after leaving his shop.

The assistant did so and reported back, "I don't know where the fellow comes from but as soon as you tell him you will be busy for the next hour or two, he runs to your home."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not for sale

 

A picky lady customer at a Supermarket's fruit department watches as a new delivery of fresh fruit is delivered.

"Give me two kilo of oranges and wrap every orange in a separate piece of paper, please", the picky lady says to the saleslady.

Silently the sales lady serves the picky customer.

"And three kilo of apples, please, and wrap each and every one in a separate piece of paper, too."

Gritting her teeth, the saleslady once again obliges the picky customer.

"And what is that over there", the picky customer says as she points to a basket in the corner.

"Grapes,, says the saleslady with a big grin on her face, "but they are not for sale!!!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Note under windshield wiper

 

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. 

There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. 

The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. 

But I'm not." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The rare parrot

 

 

A young man's mother was now living in the big city and he didn't see her that often.

His father was no longer around and he was worried that his mom was lonely. 

For her birthday, he purchased a rare parrot, trained to speak seven languages. 

He had a courier deliver the bird to his dear mother. A few days later, he called.

"Ma, what do you think of the bird?"

"The bird was good, but a little tough. I should have cooked it longer."

"You ate the bird? Mom, that bird was very expensive. It spoke seven languages!"

"Oh, excuse me. but, if that bird was so smart, why didn't it say something when I put it in the oven?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wake-up call

 

A husband and wife at a hotel asked for a 6am alarm call. On the stroke of 6, the phone rang and a voice said: "This is your wake-up call."

 

The guest said thanks and put the phone down. A minute later the phone rang again and the voice said: "This is your wake-up call."

 

Annoyed, the husband said: "You phoned only a minute ago." "I know," replied the receptionist, "but there are two of you."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Can’t play piano

 

"Doctor, when the bandages are removed from my hand, will I be able to play the piano?"

 

"No reason why not."

 

"That's funny, I couldn't play it before I came in here!"

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The haircut

 

Female version: 

First Woman: Oh, you got a haircut! That's so cute! 

Second Woman: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy-looking?

First Woman: Oh Goodness, no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with it how it is, I think.

Second Woman: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts-that would really suit you. I was going to do that except that I was afraid it would accentuate my long neck.

First Woman: What's wrong with your neck? I would love to have a neck like yours: anything to take attention away from my awful shoulder line.

Second Woman: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything hangs so well on you. "You're like a walking fashion 
catalogue. But look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders, I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Male version: 

First Man: Haircut? 

Second Man: Yeah.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Philosophy 101

 

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one-question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on top of his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute! 

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Drummer trouble

 

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. 

He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help,

They take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: 

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who to marry?

 

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy. 

The first man married a nurse. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot". 

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...Va-voom.". 

The third man married a school teacher. 

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid". 

The next morning, Dave reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day. 

At6:00 a.m. the phone rang. It was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Dave asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse. The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, " You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary." 

At 6:30 a.m., the phone rang again. 

The telephone operator's husband called for breakfast. Dave brought it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opened the door and Dave stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Dave asked," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices." The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "You're three minutes 
are up, your three minutes are up." 

Dave went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband would be calling any minute. 

Finally at 4:30 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. 

Dave can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Dave took a step back in shock. The man was wearing only his boxers, his hair was a mess,and he had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst, asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

 

The man smiled and happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The cowboy

 

It was spring in the old west. 

The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. 

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. 

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want." 

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding." 

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." 

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. 

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. 

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted... 

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE! 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem solving

 

A bear was walking across Rainbow Bridge (Old Hwy 40) at Donner Summit, when two cars also crossing the bridge scared the bear into jumping over the edge of the bridge. 

Somehow the bear caught the ledge and pulled itself to safety.

Authorities decided that nothing could be done to help that night so they returned the next morning to find the bear sound asleep on the ledge.

After securing a net under the bridge the bear was tranquilized, fell into the net, and lowered, then woke up and walked out of the net.

There is a moral to this story you know.

This old bear made a wrong move and found he was hanging by his nails.

Somehow he was able to pull himself up onto the ledge where he saw he was in a very bad, impossible situation and what did he do?

Yep, he took a nap and sure enough the situation took care of itself while he was asleep.

The moral is that when confronted with a bad situation sometimes, the best solution is - take a nap.

So next time you see someone asleep at work, just remember,

They could be problem solving!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Girls get together

 

Four older gals are sitting around playing Bridge. 

The first gal says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long." 

The second gal says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have never made a play for your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long." 

"Well," says the third gal, "I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not bother you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." 

The fourth gal stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Quit smoking

 

A young woman confides to a friend that she wants to quit smoking, but nothing she does seems to work. 

"Have you tried the patch?" her friend asks. 

"No, that's one thing I haven't tried," the woman says, "because I'm not sure it works." 

Says her friend, "I'm sure it would if you put it over your mouth."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A professional worrier

 

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. 

His friends noticed the dramatic change. 

"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore." 

"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied. 

'I haven't had a single problem since." 

"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?" 

"Tom replied, "That's his problem."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mom’s the best

 

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting,"Your mom's the best sex in town!"

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end.

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says,"I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!"

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!"

Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad, you're drunk!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Insider trading

 

 

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. 

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. 

"The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.

When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor..." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The third magic wish

 

Three guys are out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish. 

Now one of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if you can really grant wishes, then double my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." Suddenly the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight. 

The second guy is so amazed, he says to the mermaid, "Triple my IQ." The mermaid says, "Done." The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists in various fields: physics, chemistry, etc. 

The last guy is so enthralled with the changes that his friends that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my IQ." The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I don't usually try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish that you would reconsider." 

The guy says, "No, I want you to increase my IQ times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free." 

"Please," says the mermaid, "You don't understand what you're asking, it will change your entire view on the universe. Won't you ask for something else....a million dollars, anything?" 

But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his IQ increased by five times its usual power. 

So the mermaid sighed and said, "Done." And he became a woman. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How much?

 

Hey, cab driver!, how much to take me to the station?

"Ten dollars, sir."

"And how much for my suitcase?"

"There's no charge for the suitcase, sir."

"Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t send woman to hardware store

 

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?" The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket." 

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?" 
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Domain knowledge

 

There was this family with one kid. One day the mother was out and dad was in charge of the kid, who just turned three. 

Someone had given the kid a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of his favourite toys. 

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when kid brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. 
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea from father, kid’s Mom came home. 

Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the kid bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' 

Mom waited, and sure enough, the kid comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??' 

....Mothers know!! 

_{MORAL OF THE STORY: "Domain knowledge is very important!!! Else your supplier will trick you"}

[worldangel]

Joke: A lecturer

 

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being
the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. 

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dracula’s test

 

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood.

Dracula says, “Congratulations, how did you do that?” The bat said, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family.”

“Very good” said Dracula.

The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Astonished Dracula says, “How did you do that?”

The bat replies, “Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children.”

“Impressive” said Dracula.

Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned.

“How on earth did you do that?” he asked.

And the bat replies, “Do you see this tower?”

Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says, “Well, I didn’t.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not going to have babies

 

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.

“That’s a serious step,” he said. “Have you thought it out completely?”

“Yes,” his young son answered. “We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It’s right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark.”
“How about transportation?” the father asked.



“I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles,” the little boy answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, “What about babies? When you’re married, you’re liable to have babies, you know.”

“We’ve thought about that, too,” the little boy replied.

“We’re not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I’m going to step on it!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The puzzling holiday

 

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. 

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." 

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. 

They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. 

About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. 

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. 

But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Can’t say no to work

 

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. 

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. 

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. 

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" 

"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Are n't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't understand, mister,"one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. 

"Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back." "Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Permission from the dog

 

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation. He wrote: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?" 

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. 

And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The cigar secret

 

A fire chief came home early one day and finds his wife relaxing in bed. All looks well till he notices a cigar in the ash tray. He becomes furious and yells, "Where did that cigar come from?"

A voice from under the bed says, "Havana!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 11 more minutes

 

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known lover's spot, famous for all obsene activities. 

He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing. 

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. 

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window. 

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?" 

The cop says: "What are you doing?" 

The young man says: "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine." 

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: "And her, what is she doing?" 

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater." 

Now, the cop is totally confused.. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane... and nothing obscene is happening! 

The cop asks: "What's your age, young man?" The young man says "I'm 22, sir." 

The cop asks: "And her...what's her age?" 

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishing mirror

 

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"

"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."

"Wow! Does that really work?"

"You bet it does."

"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."

"Well, okay."

After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"

"You're the sixth," he said.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The head hog

 

One day a man with a thick Texas accent called a church office and said, "Hello missy, can I speak to the head hog please?" 

The secretary thought she misunderstood what he said, and replied, "I'm sorry, who?" 

The caller repeated, "Yes, I’d like a word with the head hog please." 

A little annoyed the secretary said, "Well Sir, if you mean the Senior Pastor, then you may refer to him as 'Pastor,' or “Reverend” or 'Brother,' 
but I prefer that you not refer to him as the 'head hog!!" 

“Anyway” she said with a bit of an attitude, “I’m afraid he will be in meetings all day. May I ask the nature of your call?” 

The man replied, "Well…I heard you were all doing a fine job down there and I was thinking of giving $100,000 to your building fund...." 

"Oh!!!” she replied, “Hold just a moment please! I think the big pig just walked in!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Women can Keep Secrets

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Doing something besides normal

 

Mrs. Smith pulled Mrs. Jones out of earshot of the porch, where Mrs. Jones' lovely young daughter, Linda, sat. "It is really none of my business," whispered Mrs. Smith, "but have you noticed what your daughter is doing?"

"Why, no. Is she up to anything special?"

Mrs. Smith leaned closer. "Haven't you noticed? She has started knitting tiny garments!"

Mrs. Jones' troubled brow cleared. "Well, thank goodness," she said smiling, "at last she has taken an interest in something besides running around with boys."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hide and seek

 

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper. Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.

While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police. When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright.

They said "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."

Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found.

They called the police station and said, "We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."

The cop said, " Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."

"Well, who was it?"

"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Stage show

 

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first act intermission, he had to urinate in the worst way.

He hurried to the back of the theatre and searched in vain for the men's room.

At last he came upon a fountain surrounded by pretty foliage. He realized that he had wandered backstage. Noting that no one was around, and in desperatation, he opened his pants and pissed into the fountain.

He had difficulty finding his way back to the auditorium, and by the time he sat down next to his wife, the curtain was up and the actors were moving about on the stage.

"Did I miss much of he second act?" he whispered.

"Miss it?" she said, "You were in it."

[worldangel]

Joke: New supermarket concept

 

A new supermarket opened in Orlando, Florida. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[worldangel]

Joke: Mouse in house

 

A: I'm in a big trouble!

B: Why is that?

A: I saw a mouse in my house!

B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.

A: I don't have one.

B: Well then, buy one.

A: Can't afford one.

B: I can give you mine if you want.

A: That sounds good.

B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.

A: I don't have any cheese.

B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.

A: I don't have oil.

B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.

A: I don't have bread.

B: Don’t worry the mouse will leave your house on its own

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Clever smart guy

 

A smart guy went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like smart guys. 

The game warden ordered him to show his hunting license and the smart guy pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said," this duck ain't from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting license, boy??"

The smart guy reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting license. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said "this ain'tno Quebec duck. This duck's from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license??"

The smart guy reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said "this ain'tno Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia hunting license??"

Again the smart guy reached into his wallet keeping calm and patience and brought out a Nova Scotia license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the smart guy "just where the hell are you from??"

The smart guy smiled, turned around, bent over, dropped his pants showing his butt and said,

"Sniff for yourself, you are the expert."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Field test

 

An Army major, was conducting a field test when communications went dead, just when headquarters initiated a call to him. Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to the command station.

When the major and the sergeant ran in, the group cheered their arrival. The commanding officer then stepped forward and shook the major's hand.

"Don't congratulate me, sir," he said modestly as he pointed to his driver. "It was all the sergeant's doing."

The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant. "Congratulations," he said. "The major's wife just had a baby girl."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Complicated breakfast order

 

A guest in a posh hotel comes down to breakfast and called over the head waiter and read from the menu, "I'd like two boiled eggs, one of them so under cooked that it's runny, and one so over cooked that it's tough and hard to eat.

"I'd also like grilled bacon that has been left out so it gets a bit on the cold side; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm."

That's a complicated order sir", said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."

The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife’s lover

 

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student, "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor, "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student, "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an 'A' for the exam."

Professor, "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an 'A', as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers, "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an 'A', although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Defaulters

 

Rajeev and Mona are flying to Australia on a two-week vacation to celebrate their 20th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Rajeev turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5 lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Rajeev, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?"

"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Rajeev," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."

Rajeev grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 20 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"

Rajeev answers, "Thnx to U... They'll find us !

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Farewell luncheon

 

The staff at the office where my wife works was hosting a farewell luncheon for a retiring colleague. As the group prepared to go to the restaurant, they found that they couldn't fit the giant balloon they had purchased for the guest of honor into the car.

Determined to bring it along, they simply held the balloon out the window as they drove to the luncheon location.

However they weren't prepared for the glares and dirty looks they were getting from pedestrians and adjoining cars at every intersection.

As the long line of traffic in front of their vehicle began to turn, they discovered that their car was right behind a long funeral procession.

There was really nothing they could do but hold on to the balloon with its large farewell message:

"GONE, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN"

[worldangel]

Joke: My one and only love

 

Vicky, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a jeweller's shop in Connaught Place.

The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'

Vicky thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'.'

The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'

Vicky retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Break my arms

 

"Doctor", said the young man lying on the couch, "you've got to help! Every night I have the same horrible dream. I am lying in the bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what would you do?"

"I push them away."

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this."

The patient implored, "Please...Break my arms."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost balloonist

 

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 50 feet above this field. "

"You must be an engineer", says the balloonist.

"I am", replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well", says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."

The man below says, "You must be in management."

"I am", replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault. "