Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Bus driver

 

John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump.

John; "What was that?"

Driver; "It was a cat"

John; "Why did you run it over?"

Driver; "Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!"

John; "Oh, fair enough"

A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus.

John; "What was that!!?"

Driver; "It was a dog"

John; "Why did you run it over?"

Driver "I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident"

John; "That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve"

The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud.

John; "What is it this time?"

Driver; "I hit an old lady"

John; "Oh my god. Is she alright?

Driver; "No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road."

John; "I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey."

The driver called for an ambulence and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver: "If the big bump was the old lady, what was the small one?"

The driver simply replied "I had to go on the pavement to get her!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Laryngitis

 

"What flavors of ice cream do you have?" inquired the customer.

 

"Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate," answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.

Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, "Do you have laryngitis?"

"No...." replied the new waitress with some effort, "just...erm.... vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stupid hunters

 

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line.

He says, "OK, now what?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Production at the right place

 

When an efficient secretary asked her boss for a raise in her salary, he turned her down, saying: Your salary is already higher than that of the secretary at the next desk. And she has five children.

Excuse me, the efficient woman replied, I thought we got paid for what we produce here not for what we produce at home in our own time.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Intelligent maid

 

Maid: What do you want, sir? 
Visitor: I want to see your master. 

Maid: What s your business, please? 
Visitor: There is a bill... 

Maid: Ah! He left yesterday for his village... 
Visitor: Which I have to pay him... 

Maid: And he returned this morning.

[worldangel]

Joke: Suicide for lunch

 

Three high steel building workers break for lunch and sit down high above the city.

First worker opens his lunch box and complains, "Not lentils and rice again today, Every day, lentils & rice, lentils & rice. If I have lentils & rice again tomorrow I will throw myself from this building."

Second worker opens his lunch box and exclaims, "Not butter chicken & rice again. Every day chicken & rice. If I have that again tomorrow I'll throw myself off too."

The last worker, a blonde opens his lunch box and said, "Not baked macaroni and cheese again. Every day the same baked macaroni and cheese. If I have that one more time tomorrow I'll throw myself off with you guys."

The next day at lunch, the first worker opens his lunch and cries, "Lintils and rice.?!?"

He throws himself off the building from the 20th floor!

The second worker his lunch and sees that he has butter chicken and rice again and throws himself off, too!

The blonde opens his lunch and shouts, "Baked macaroni and cheese again." and throws himself off as well!

The next day at the combined funeral the wife of the first worker stands up and tearfully says, "If I only knew he didn't like lentils and rice, I would never have made it for his lunch."

The wife of the second worker stands and says, "I always thought he liked butter chicken. If I knew he hated it I would never have made it for his lunch."

The wife of the blonde stands and says, "I don't understands it.. He always made his own lunch!

[worldangel]

Joke: Married couple & the fairy

 

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!... the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember.... fairies are female too!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Important Document

 

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when she found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in her hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

She turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The fear of mother-in-law

 

A small farm boy was milking his cow when all of a sudden a bull came charging towards him. As horrified workers nearby watched, the boy calmly continued his milking.

 

To everyone s astonishment, the bull stopped a few inches from the boy, turned around and walked away .Weren t you afraid?one of the workers asked the boy. 

 

Not at all, the boy replied , I knew this cow was his mother-in-law.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Without honey for a week

 

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. 

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without honey for a week." 

Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it. "That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week." 

The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.) 

Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it. 

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or should I?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bring back 10 pieces of fruits

 

 

There were 3 men traveling in the rain forest when tribal men hunting for food captured them. 

When at the village the tribal leader said that they could live if they did one thing. If they failed they would be killed. 

The men agreed. So the tribal leader said to go in to the rain forest and bring back 10 pieces of fruit and they have to be of the same kind. 

The men headed out in to the rain forest. 

The first man comes back with 10 apples. The tribal leader says that he has to have all 10 of the apples stuffed up his butt with out saying a word or any facial expression of any kind. If he does he will be killed. 

So it began: 1 apple, 2 apples, 3 apples, the man cries out. Bam they kill him and he goes to heaven. 

The second guy comes back and he has 10 berries. The tribal leader tells him the same thing. 1 berry, 2 berries, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, the man starts laughing. Bam he is killed and goes to heaven. 

The first guy says to the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only had one more to go and you would be alive." 

The second guy said that he was doing fine until he saw the third guy coming with 10 watermelons and he couldn’t contain his laughter.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In return for favor

 

A guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friend's house instead. Her friend lives out of the way, so in return for the favor, she offers to get naked. 

The guy agrees and the girl takes off all her clothes. The guy is so busy looking at her that he smashes the car into a tree and get stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. 

"You'll have to go get help!" he tells her. "But I can't. I have no clothes on, and I can't reach them." "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!" 

She reluctantly agrees and runs off to the nearest gas station. She finds the attendant and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" 

"I'm sorry, ma'am... but I think he's too far in."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Spaghetti on the back

 

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. 

Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. 

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." 

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. 

Six months went by and then one-day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." 

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." 

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. 

The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. 

So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I can’t dance

 

Jack and Paul two hard-core prisoners in the penitentiary were talking.

 

Jack said: I've got two tickets for the warden's ball. Do you want to buy one?'

 

 'No thanks mate. I can't dance.' Said Paul. 'It's not a dance, it's a raffle!' said Jack.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sleeping with baby

 

John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in the room with Baby."

John said that he would prefer the floor.

The next morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blonde.

"Hi," he said, "who are you?"

"I'm Baby, and who are you?"

"I'm stupid," he said.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Family business

 

Once there was a Accountant. The business had been in the family for generations and generations. Over time, with the countless clients that had gone in and out of the office, the marble step in front of the building had developed a big, deep dip in it from all the wear and tear.

His friends kept telling the accountant that he had better get it replaced, otherwise he'd be sued for everything he had if anyone ever slipped and fell.

Reluctantly, the accountant called a stonemason to get a quote for the repairs.

When the stonemason got there the accountant demanded a price for a new step.

'Hmmmm, big job that'. said the stonemason, 'But I suppose I could give you a new step for a ten thousand rupees.'

The accountant was stunned. 'Are you mad, man? I can't pay you that much!'

Thinking about it for a second he turned to the stonemason and asked: 'What would you charge me to dig up the step and turn it over so that the worn part is in the ground and I'd get a new step?

The stonemason hesitated and said, two thousand'.

'Do it!' demanded the accountant, 'and call me when you're done.'

The accountant went back inside to his books, but after only 15 minutes the stonemason rang the bell.

As the accountant opened the door he saw the stonemason standing in a hole with the step, laughing as he said. 'Your great-great-great granddaddy thought of that a hundred and fifty years ago!!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Roller coaster

 

What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went to the Amusement Park at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Expensive car

 

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just by touching it, you will definitely CRAP your pants when you hear the price."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nice reply

 

Employee

Aug Month: - Oh my god what a fool of my manager is. He over paid me with rs2000 this Hi hi I'll not tell him of this….

Sep Month: - What the hell is this how come my salary has arrived with Rs2000 less this month…what does he think...

Manager:- Lat month I overpaid you...but u din complain...so why now..

Employee:-well the thing is I don't mind if u make a mistake once...but if it becomes a habit...i have to say something

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who said so..?

 

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a check-up . 

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm a man and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

" Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the top*ess beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

" Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

 Who said he wanted to?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Run for life

 

Two campers were aroused one night by the sounds of a huge bear tearing up their campsite. Realizing that the bear would soon make its way to their tent, they started planning their strategy. One of the campers started putting on shoes.

His buddy said "Hey, even with shoes on you ll never outrun that bear".

He replied "I don t *have* to outrun the bear, I just have to outrun *you*".

[worldangel]

Joke: Ooh men!

 

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

What If men would only listen!!

[worldangel]

Joke: $200 bucks it is

 

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. 

" Hi, is Tony home?" 
" No, he went to the store." 

"Well, you mind if I wait?" 

" No, come in." 

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest assets I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." 

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. 

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. 

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " 

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A hunter

 

A man was out hunting. He just happened to be hunting bears. As he trudged through the forest looking for the beasts, he came upon a large and steep hill. Thinking that perhaps there would be bear on the other side of the hill, he climbed up the steep incline and, just as he was pulling himself up over the last outcropping of rocks, a huge bear met him nose to nose. 

 

The bear roared fiercely. The man was so scared that he lost his balance and fell down the hill with the bear not far behind. As he tumbled down the hill, the man lost his gun. When he finally stopped at the bottom, he found that he had a broken leg. Escape was impossible and so the man, who had never been particularly religious (in fact this just happened to be a Sunday morning), prayed, "God, if you will make this bear a Christian I will be happy with whatever lot you give me for the rest of my life." 

The bear was no more than three feet away from the man when it stopped dead in its tracks... looked up to the heavens quizzically... and then fell to its knees and prayed in a loud voice, "O Lord, bless this food of which I am about to partake."

[worldangel]

Joke: We don’t have airconditioner

 

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant, at first he'd asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, that man I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner.

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret crush

 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended DAV Sr Secondary, Chandigarh.

"Yes. Yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat A*s, Grey-haired, Decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked: "What did you teach???"

[worldangel]

Joke: Four guys

 

There once were four guys. 

One guy was brought up in a hospital and all he knew how to say was "I did it! I did it!"

Then there was a guy who was brought up in a restaurant and all he knew how to say was "forks and knives!"

Then there was a guy brought up in a candy shop and all he knew how to say was "goodie goodie gum drops!"

Then the fourth guy was brought up in a glade plug in store and all he knew how to say was "plug it in! plug it in!"

One day they all met in a park and there was this dead guy on a bench.

A cop walks up and says who did this and the first guy said "I did it! I did it!"

And the cop says how did you do this and the second guy said "forks and knives!"

The cop says what do you have to say for your selves and the third guy says "goodie goodie gum drops!"

Then the cop says you are all going in the electric chair any last words and the fourth guy says "plug it in! plug it in!"

[worldangel]

Joke:What is the result?

 

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to  wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and   says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very  nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

[worldangel]

Joke:Three daughters

 

There was a father who was very proud of his three daughters. Every night he took a stroll around the house to make sure everything was all right. One night when he was doing his stroll, he could hear laughter coming from his youngest daughter's room.

He stood there for a while and thought about this, but reached the conclusion that he could always ask her tomorrow, instead of bothering her at this time of the night. When he reached the window of his second daughter, he could hear her crying.

 

He thought about this too, but ultimately he decided to ask her tomorrow and continued. There were no sounds at all coming from his oldest daughter's room, and he then went to bed, satisfied.

 

The next day, when they all were gathered around the breakfast table, he said to his youngest daughter "I heard you laughing last night, as I walked past your window. Why was that?"

 

She answered "That's because you taught me to laugh when someone was making me happy..."

 

He then asked his second daughter "I heard you crying last night, why was that?"
She answered "That's because you taught me to cry when someone was making me hurt..."

 

He then told his oldest daughter "I didn't hear anything from you..."

She said "That's because you taught me not to talk with my mouth full..."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Towel waving

 

A middle-aged man marries a younger woman but discovers that no matter what he does in bed, she won't orgasm. so he takes the problem to his doctor who explains that maybe fantasy is the answer.

 

So the man hires a young, charming male escort and has him stand naked and waving a towel over the couple whilst they are having sex, to still no avail.

 

The man goes back to his doctor who suggests trying the scene oppositely, with the escort having sex with the woman whilst the man waves the towel.

 

Now becoming desperate, the man gets the same escort and tries the doctor's method. Soon the woman bursts into a great orgasm and the man throws down the towel, taps the escort on the shoulder and shouts triumphantly, "See, that’s how you wave a bloody towel!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Intelligent parrot

 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."


The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, 
"That's really not so bad."

When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Beer & vodka

 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" 

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of Fact we have a new drink, invented by A gynecologist patron of ours. 

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." 

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" 

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Threesome

 

I met an older woman at a bar last night. 

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome? 

I said no. 

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. 

I went back to her place. 

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: 

"Mom you still awake?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fast drinking

 

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" 

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. 

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." 

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" 

The man quickly replies, "a dollar." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Best Friend

 

A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?" 

After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend." 

"Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house." 

As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him, "What did you do?" 

"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out." 

"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?" 

The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG!'" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Martini

 

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out. 

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!" 

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shirt pocket

 

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini. 

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." 

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting it on

 

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, getting it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." 

She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Past closing time

 

A policeman cruising past a bar after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out front. He goes around the back of the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the ass of the other. 

"So, what's going on here?", the cop asks. 

The biker replies, "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit." 

The cop says, "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!" 

The biker replies, "That's what I'm going to do next!" 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The tounge

 

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. 

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. 

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. 

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

[worldangel]

Joke: Miracle

 

A who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Men always have a better friends

 

 

Men always have better friends....They will stand by you, no matter what....!!! 

Friends of Women: 

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband the very next morning, that she stayed at her (girl) friend's apartment overnight. 

So the husband calls 10 of her best (girl) friends and none of them confirm that she was with them.


Friends of Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. 

So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are claiming that he is still with them!!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who said so?

 

An 80-year old Italian man goes to the doctor for a check-up . 

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm Italian and I am a golfer," says the old guy," and that's why I'm in such good shape." I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." "Have a glass of vino, and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Dad when he died?"

" Who said my Dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old Italian golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the top*ess beach for a walk, that's why he's still alive ... he's Italian and he's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Dad's Dad? How old was he when he died?"

" Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old Italian golfer. The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

" Who said he wanted to?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Unhappy pharmacist

 

Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. 

The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return. 

Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. 

The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said: 

"Your house."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Suicide attempt

 

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office. 

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." 

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to dry."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three wishes

 

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, paranas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. 

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing." 

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it! 

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the mother-fucker who pushed me in."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wrong expression

 

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." 

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. 

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. 

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" 

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." 

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" 

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. 

"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." 

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." 

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!???

[worldangel]

Joke: Cough treatment

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Too enthusiastic

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"