Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Inside or outside

Mr inside lives with Mrs outside.

Inside went outside leaving outside inside.

Outside standing inside called inside to come inside.

But inside staying outside called outside to come outside.

so outside came outside and inside went outside.

oh, no where is ur mind now? Inside or outside?

[worldangel]

Joke: What are you doing?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

Oh!, Killed any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females", he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".

[worldangel]

Joke: Banana peel

Customer : "How much is that banana for?"

Salesperson : "$1.00″

Customer : "Can you sell it to me for 60 cents?"

Salesperson : "At that rate, you'll only get the banana peel!"

Customer : "Okay… I'll buy the banana for 40 cents, but you can keep the peel!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Your horse called up

A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" ,the man asked.

The wife replied, "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".

The man said, "When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

She replied "Your horse called up".

[worldangel]

Joke: Overweight solved

A lady is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to stop eating regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the lady returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The lady nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the lady.

[worldangel]

Joke: A big-game hunter

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

[worldangel]

Joke: I clean it with your toothbrush

Dad to son: When I beat you how do you control your anger?

Son: I start cleaning toilet.

Dad: How does that satisfy you?

Son: I clean it with your toothbrush.

[worldangel]

Joke: Good wan! Or good one

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree…

Caller: Oh… goodness!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Funny deadlock situation

Boss said to secretary: For a week we will go abroad, so make arrangement.

Secretary make call to Husband: For a week my boss and I will be going abroad, you look after yourself.

Husband make call to secret lover: My wife is going abroad for a week, so lets spend the week together.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: I have work for a week, so you need not come for class.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'coz my teacher is busy. Lets spend the week together.

Grandpa (the 1st boss ) make call to his secretary: This week I am spending my time with my grandson. We cannot attend that meeting.

Secretary make call to her husband: This week my boss has some work, we cancelled our trip.

Husband make call to secret lover: We cannot spend this week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.

Secret lover make call to small boy whom she is giving private tution: This week we will have class as usual.

Small boy make call to his grandfather: Grandpa, my teacher said this week I have to attend class. Sorry I can't give you company.

Grandpa make call to his secretary: Don't worry this week we will attend that meeting, so make arrangement.

Edited May 8, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Having a bad day

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric socket.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy plank of wood and smacked him with it, breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.

Edited May 8, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A fishy story

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week."

"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

I did, they're in your tackle box.

[worldangel]

Joke: Man, woman sleeping compartment

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.

"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Traveling salesman and the farmer

A travelling salesman was out in the country one evening and wasn't sure how to get back to the main highway. He came upon a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

"Sure," said the farmer. "I've got some beans and cornbread on the stove, but I've only got one bed, so you'll have to sleep with me."

The salesman was very grateful. So they had dinner and went to bed early. The salesman was used to keeping late hours and couldn't get to sleep. His tossing and turning was keeping the farmer awake so the farmer finally suggested they play football. The salesman didn't understand.

"Here's how it works," said the farmer. "Everytime you fart, it's a touchdown." The salesman thought it sounded fun, and they started playing. The salesman took an immediate lead, with the farmer struggling to squeeze even one out. Finally he felt one coming on and he strained and grunted and strained and grunted...and let a big wet one rip all over his side of the bed.

"What'll we do now?" exclaimed the salesman.

"Halftime. Switch sides."

[worldangel]

Joke: Factory workers

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.

Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men?

Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"

"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied.

"It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

[worldangel]

Joke: A month overdue

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

"I have great news, I 'm a month overdue. I think we are going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from BSES (Bombay Suburban Electricity Supply) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma ?

Yes...... speaking

BSES guy, "You! re a month overdue, you know!"

How do YOU know? stammers the young woman.

Well, maam, its in our files! says the BSES guy .

What are you saying? Its in your files ..... HOW?

Yes, We have a system of finding out whos overdue

Goodness !!!!!!......... this is too much.

Madam, I am sorry...... I am following order, I have to inform you are overdue I know that let me talk to my husband about this tonight, he will speak to your company tomorrow

That night, she tells her! husband about the visit, and he mad as a bull, rushes to BSES office the next day morning.

Whats going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours? the husband shouts.

Just calm down, says the lady at the reception at BSES, its nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.

PAY you? and if I refuse?

Well, in that case, sir, we have no option but to cut yours off.

And what would my wife do then? the husband asks.

I don’t know. I guess !she would have to use a candle!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: A sweet kissful letter

A letter has been sent from a husband :

Dear Sweetheart :

I can't send my salary this month, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, your husband.

Your Loving Husband.

His wife replied back after some days to her husband:

Dearest sweetheart,

Thanks for your 100 kisses, I am sending the expenses details.

1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for one month's milk.

2. The electricity man only agreed after 7 kisses.

3. Your house owner is coming every day and taking two or three kisses instead of the rent.

4. Supermarket owner did not accept kisses only, so I have given him some other items.

5. Other expenses 40 kisses.

Please don't worry for me, I have a remaining balance of 35 kisses and I hope that I can complete the month using this balance.

Shall I plan same way for next months, please advise.

Your Sweet Heart.

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t believe in genie

A couple was golfing one day on a Very Exclusive golf course lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball, do not knock out any windows. It will cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how much it's going to cost us."

They walked up and knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke the window?"

"Uh yeah, sorry about that" the husband replied.

"No, actually I want to thank you. I am a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You have released me. I am allowed to grant three wishes - I will give you each one wish, and I will keep the last one for myself." the genie said.

"OK" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem-it is the least I can do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world" she said.

"Consider it done." the genie said.

"And what is your wish, genie?" the husband said, "Well, since I have not had love with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I would not mind."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was all over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife and said, "How old is your husband anyway?"

"35″ she said.

"Really? And he still believes in genies !!!!!!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: New employee

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the director asked.

"When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held."

"Well, the young man replied, "in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

[worldangel]

Joke: The 20-Minute speech

An executive was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the executive returned from the big event, he was furious.

"Why did you write me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled.

"I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

[worldangel]

Joke: The small pianist

A man walks into a bar and hears piano music. He looks at the piano and can't see anyone sitting there, so he walks over and discovers a foot-tall man standing on the piano bench playing the tune of Dixie-Girl.

The man thought that this was strange so he goes over to the bartender and asks where the man came from.

"Here," says the bartender, handing the man a genie lamp, "rub this."

So the man rubs the lamp and out comes this genie.

"What do you wish for?" asks the genie.

"A million bucks," the man states, quite sure of himself.

"Granted." And the genie claps his hands and disappeared back into the lamp.

The man looks around, checks his wallet but can't find a million bucks anywhere. Just that moment, a million ducks fly through the bar. Astounded the man says: "Hey! I didn't ask for a million ducks!"

"Do you think that I asked for a 12 inch pianist?" replied the bartender.

[worldangel]

Joke: Traffic camera flashing on women

A girl was driving when she saw d flash of a traffic camera. She figured that her picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though she knew that she was not speeding.

Just to be sure, she went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now she began to think that this was quite funny, so she drove even slower as she passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed. She tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while she rolled past at a snail's pace. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Two weeks later, she got five challans for driving without a seat belt ... !!!

Women !!!Women !!!Women !!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking all earnings with my death

There was this man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and he was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife," Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart and to swear on a stack of Bibles that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Just Wait just a Minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers then locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man. "

She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I would put all his money in the casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with that man?"

"I sure did," said the wife,"I wrote him a checque. "

[worldangel]

Joke: A girl

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, honey," she says.

"What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies."And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she says.

"The one I asked for—an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that," she says.

"Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it’s a girl.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cross-eyed bull

Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.

"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."

The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.

He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."

He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.

"Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."

Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.

Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."

Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.

"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown.

"What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart loan

A woman walks into a bank in a big City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks with fifteen bucks?"

[worldangel]

Joke:A picky customer

A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit.

"Give me three dozens of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman.

She does.

"And three dozens of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.

"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner.

"Grapes," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Never forget the gift

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.

The old man was rather irritated when he discovered that none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

"You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Perfect match

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man.

[worldangel]

Joke: Perfect match

A friend asked a gentleman why he never married?

Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl... once. I guess she was the one perfect girl; the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything... I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked the friend.

"Unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect man."

[worldangel]

Joke: Crying for the mother-in-law

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their mothers-in-law to hopefully get to know and understand each other better.

Two buses were hired, one for the mothers -in-law and the other for the daughters-in- law.

Unfortunately the bus with the mothers-in-law was involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.

The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were all puzzled by one sister who wailed uncontrollably for what they perceived to be her loss.

Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so hard, I didn't realize u were so close to your mother-in-law?"

To which she replied, "No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!"

[worldangel]

Joke: In the graveyard

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.

Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.

"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."

"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Unlucky husbands

Two women friends met after many years.

"Tell me," said one, "What happened to your son?"

"My son?the poor, poor lad!" sighed the other. "What an unfortunate marriage he made to a girl who won't do a stitch of work in the house. She won't cook, she won't sew, she won't wash or clean. All she does is sleep and loaf and read in bed. The poor boy even has to bring her breakfast in bed, would you believe it?"

"That's really awful!"

"And what about your daughter?"

"Ah, now she's the lucky one! She married an angel. He won't let her do anything in the house. He has servants to do the cooking and sewing and washing and leaning. And each morning he brings her breakfast in bed, would you believe it? All she does is sleep for as long as she wishes and spends the rest of the day relaxing and reading in bed."

[worldangel]

Joke: Financial management

A beggar to another beggar: I had a grand dinner at Taj yesterday.

How? The other beggar asked.

First beggar: Someone gave me aRs 100/- note yesterday.

I went to Taj and ordered dinner worth Rs 1,000/- and enjoyed the dinner. When the bill came, I said, I had no money.

The Taj manager called the policeman, and handed me over to him.

I gave the Rs 100/- note to the police fellow, and he set me free.

A wonderful example of financial management indeed.

[worldangel]

Joke: Billing question

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church."

[worldangel]

Joke: Men are better friends

Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.

The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So, he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.

The wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

[worldangel]

Joke: Welcome to the family

A girl went to introduce the man she wanted to get married to her father.

Father: "So you want to marry my daughter, what do you do for a living?"

Man: "I just got out of prison, I will search for a job soon."

Father: "Whaaaat! You were in prison and you want to marry my daughter with that bad record, what did you do?"

Man: "I killed a person."

Father: "What did the person do?"

Man: "He denied me to marry his daughter."

Father: "Welcome to the family son."

[worldangel]

Joke: Captain’s welcome message

An airplane pilot was welcoming the passengers on the plane shortly after take-off.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 321, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and...," when suddenly he starts screaming while he is still on the loud speakers, "Oh My God" OMG! OMG! This is going to hurt... OMG!

Silence reigned! You can hear a pin-drop. He gets back on the microphone talking to thepassengers, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger hollered, "Why don't you come back here and see OUR PANTS FROM BEHIND."

[worldangel]

Joke: The courageous captain

Spanish captain was walking on his ship...

A soldier rushes to him and says, "One enemy ship is approaching us!"

Captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt"

The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in, heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win.

Soldier asks, "Congrats sir, but why the red shirt?"

Captain replies, "If I got injured, then my blood shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to loose hope."

(Moral: For success, hope is very important)

Just then, another soldier, "Sir, we just spotted another TWENTY enemy ships!"

The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my yellow pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: Novice farmer

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he's going to take up farming.

He heads to the local livestock supplier and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens."

The supplier complies.

A week later the man returns and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."

The man at the supplier complies. Again, a week later the man returns.

This time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens."

"Wow!" the supplier replies. "You must really be doing well!"

"Naw," said the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Bo and Bob

A man named Bob hired a teenage boy named Bo to mow his lawn.

One day, Bo had to pee so he went inside Bob’s house. Bob walked in on Bo and noticed how big Bo’s penis was. Bob asked how Bo got his penis that big. Bo said “Every night I’m about to sleep with a woman, I whack my d*ck on the bedpost 3 times.”

That night Bob decided to try this on his wife that night. Bob hit his dick on the bed post 3 times and his wife said “Bo, is that you?”

[worldangel]

Joke:Praying child

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

[worldangel]

Joke:The cheating wife

A man and his friend went to a bar and started talking. The man says to his friend “I think my wife is cheating on me.”

The friend says, “How do you know?”

The man replies, “She didn’t come home last night and she said she was with her sister Shirley.”

The friend said, “and…..”

The man says, “She is lying because I was with her sister last night.”

LOL!!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke:Spare key

One day a boy asked his father, “Dad, what is between mom’s legs?”,The father reply, “The door to heaven!”

“Then what is between yours?” – the boy asked. The father said, “The key to the door!”

Then the boy said, “I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.”

[worldangel]

Joke:No toilet paper

A sexy woman walks up to the counter and motions the bartender over. She starts to run her fingers through his hair and asks to speak to the manager.

The Bartender replies, “Sorry, the manager is out. Can I help you?”

By this time the woman has run her fingers over his face and in his mouth where the horny bartender is gently sucking on them. She says, “You sure he isn’t here?”

The bartender mumbles through her fingers, “Yes, he’s out for another 2 hours . Are you sure there is nothing I can do to help?”

The woman then says, “Oh, I only wanted to tell him there’s no toilet paper or soap in the ladies toilets!”

[worldangel]

Joke: At casino

A hot looking blonde walks in to a casino and wanders up to one of the craps tables. She looks at the two table handlers and says “I want to bet $25,000 dollars. It’s all the money I have. The only request is that I play topless as I have found that this provides me the most luck at winning.”

The two men agree and watch anxiously as the woman unbuttons her blouse, removes it, and then removes her bra. She puts the money down on the table and rolls the dice. As the dice stop, she starts jumping up and down and screaming, “I WON I WON I WON!” She gathers her winnings puts the chips in her bag, pulls on her shirt and walks out.

The two men at the table look at each other, one asks the other, “So what did she roll?” The other man says, “I thought you were watching?”

[worldangel]

Joke:Also at the balcony

Little 6-year old John Smith’s parents felt really horny at 11 AM on Sunday and wanted to make love, but had to get John away for at least one hour. So they told him to go to the balcony and report all activities of their neighbours for the next hour. Being the innocent, dutiful son he was raised to be, he did as he was told.

His parents amused themselves, and then came the formality of the report at 12 PM.

John said “For the past hour, the Wilsons were watching TV, Mr. Cole was playing the piano, the Johnsons were playing carrom together and the Donalds were having sex.”

His parents were shocked! They asked him “How do you know that?” He said “Their son was out on the balcony too.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Elder pick-up

A well dressed, debonair man in his mid-nineties enters an upscale cocktail lounge and finds a seat next to a good looking, younger woman in her mid-eighties, at the most.

Trying to remember his best pick-up line, he says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop that

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good Marketing

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the politician.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts the politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the politician head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers, "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the politician and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us."

[worldangel]

Joke: Importance of the Job

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview. The first man walked into the office.

The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun."

The man took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."

The next interviewee came into the office. The agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun."

The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked back out. "Sorry," he said.

The last man came into the office. This guy really wanted the job. The interviewer said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all.

Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun."

The man took the gun and went into the room. The agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.

Shortly, the man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"