Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: How to tell the sex of a fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband standing around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. ! Killed any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,

3 were on a beer can,

2 were on the phone.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad news

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Welcome to the family

A man went to meet his father in law to be and was chewing gum. The father in law shouted at him in a harsh voice.

Father-in-law: Young man, you're coming to seek my daughter's hand in marriage and you're chewing gum. That's a sign of disrespect!

Man: Sir, I only chew gum when I drink or smoke.

Father-in-law: You mean you drink and smoke, and you're here to seek my daughter's hand in marriage?

Man: Sir, I only drink and smoke when I go to the club.

Father-in-law: You club too?

Man: I'm sorry sir, I started clubbing when I came out of prison.

Father-in-law: You've also been to prison before? Oh my God!

Man: Sorry sir, I went to jail when I killed someone.

Father-in-law: What!!! You're a killer?

Man: Sir, I was angry because a certain man didn't allow me to marry his daughter, so I killed him!

Father-in-law: Oh! Okay.... You know what? You're highly welcome my son. You are on the right track. You're absolutely the right Man for my daughter. Welcome to the family

[worldangel]

Joke: Tim & Sam

Tim: I hear you just got married again.

Sam: Yes, for the fourth time.

Tim: What happened to your first three wives?

Sam: They all died.

Tim: How did that happen?

Sam: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.

Tim: How terrible! And your second?

Sam: She too ate poison mushrooms.

Tim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?

Sam: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.

Tim: I see, an accident.

Sam: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

[worldangel]

Joke: Looking for a wife

Fred is 34 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

[worldangel]

Joke: The difficult choice

Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog -- at least he'll quiet down after you let him in.

[worldangel]

Joke: A daring new position

Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight?

Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.

[worldangel]

Joke: Trouble

Doctor, to Lady, during her examination: Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine.

Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.

Lady started taking off her clothes . . .Doctor, stopping her: No! No!..

Please put on your clothes... Just show me your TONGUE !!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Can you beat this explanation?

Suddenly one of the employees in an organization took 10 days Leave Without any notice.

When he returned his PL asked for explanation.

The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly".

The PL let it go at That. After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the said his Father died.

Then the PL got changed.

After 3 months the same pattern Repeated.

And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died.

After 3 months same thing again...

And this time his father died.

This Happened repeatedly for 2 years.

At the end, one PL checked his past Records and told him, "I have caught you red handed, How come in the Past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five Times?"

NOW GUESS THE ANSWER...

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

V

To which the guy said, "Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new Father remarried. This has been going on and on and on and..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pub

I was in a pub on Saturday night. Had a few....

I noticed two large women by the bar.

They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?"

One of them said in a loud voice: "It's WALES you 1D1OT!"

So, I immediately apologized and said..., "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?"

That's the last thing I remember..........

[worldangel]

Joke: The world’s best wife

The story may be manufactured or may be real but great for a good laugh.

A Singapore millionaire secretly maintained a mistress in Hong Kong, bought a posh sea view apartment (in his own name) for her to live in, plus gave her a monthly allowance of US$5,000.

The house cost him about US$700,000 in 2005, the affair lasted for 5 years.

He sold the house this year for $3.8 million, after they broke up. A quick calculation shows that after 5 years of a fling with the woman, he still had a net gain of $2.8 million plus six years of FREE LOVE.

When his wife found out about this, he offers the $2.8 million to her. But she was still not happy... and she was very mad at him and gave him a big mouthful.

She yelled at him at the top of her voice and said, "BLOODY IDIOT, STUPID FOOL, Why the hell didn't you keep TWO MISTRESSES !!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband in good mood

Darling, remember 25 years ago.... I had a rented one room apartment, a table fan, a black & white TV and a cycle to use. But, at night I used to sleep besides a 25 yrs old beautiful girl.

Now I own a luxurious bungalow with, 4 LED TVs, a Limousine and a Porsche, servants... but I sleep with a 50 yrs old woman.

Wife: Don’t worry... Just find yourself a 25yrs old beautiful woman... and I will make sure that you go back to your 1 room rented apartment, table fan, black & white TV and a cycle.

[worldangel]

Joke: Who’s cheating?

A husband and a wife were sleeping. Suddenly, a sound of a car screeching was heard outside.

The wife woke up and shouted, "Oh it must be my husband!"

The husband woke up after he hear his wife's words and ran off to hide in a bush outside.

Moments later, the husband came in, angry, "What do you mean 'Oh it must be my husband!' Are you saying you have other men over?"

Wife, "Well, then why did you run away?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The big trouble

The henpecked plumber rang the bell. The master and the mistress of the house came to the door together.

As they all three stood in the hall, the husband, a methodical man, announced, "I wish, before you go upstairs, to acquaint you with my trouble."

The plumber shyly dropped his eyes.

"Pleased to meet yer, ma'am," he mumbled as he held out his hand to the wife.

[worldangel]

Joke: 4 Husbands at hospital

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital waiting for their wives to give birth.

Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy:"Congratulations, you've twins!".

"Oh!.....maybe it's just a coincidence" said the daddy, "as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers".

Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy:"Congratulations, you've triplets!"

"Wooow!, this is a coincidence, too" said the second daddy."I am working for 3M Corporation".

A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy: "Congratulations! your wife got

quadruplets"

"Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence"."I work at Four Seasons Hotel!".

Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried.

All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so worried?".He answered, "...uhmmm.... I'm working at Seven-Eleven!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One thing we can do

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive."

[worldangel]

Joke: How many kinds of boobs?

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20′s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm. In her 30′s to 40′s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”

“Onions?”

“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20′s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30′s and 40′s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50′s, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Vulgar language

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what “bitch” and “bastard” mean. They explained that they mean “lady” and “gentleman.”

The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what “penis” and “vagina” mean. His parents explained that they refer to “hats” and “coats.”

At supper the next day, Little Johnny’s mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, ”Oh fuck!” Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means “cut.”

A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, “Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas — we can’t wait to fuck the turkey!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Digging the garden

An old man lived alone in the city.. He wanted to spade his potato garden,but it was very hard work.His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:

Dear Son,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over.I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.

Love, Dad

Shortly, the old man received this telegram:

For Heaven's sake, Dad,don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS!!

At 4a.m the next morning, a dozen police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns. Confused,the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next.

His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad.. It's the best I could do for you from here."

[worldangel]

Joke: A professional worrier

Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem.

His friends noticed the dramatic change.

"You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."

"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, Tom replied.

'I haven't had a single problem since."

"A thousand a week," said Doug. "You can't afford that, how are you going to pay him?"

"Tom replied, "That's his problem."

[worldangel]

Joke: Death in the family

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments.

"You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in August," he said, "and left me $25,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in September," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $90,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Taxi drivers & hookers

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Montreal.

It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom" said the boy "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work" she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth?

They're hookers, boy - they have sex with men for money...."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers" she said.

Edited May 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The mother-in-law

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight:

the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Joke: A responsible applicant

Employer to applicant:

"In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want.

On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

[worldangel]

Joke: Drummer trouble

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer.

He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help,

They take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section:

"And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two condoms

These Two condoms are out on a night in the town.

Walking down the road, they pass a gay dance club.

One condom turns to the other and asks, "Hey, do you want to get shitfaced tonight?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Acute sense of observation

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.

There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.

Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. Now you must do the same, he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. Second, the professor continued, you must have an acute sense of observation.

For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?

[worldangel]

Joke: The butt of the joke

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket was rolled inside.

The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."

And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

[worldangel]

Joke: The price is firmed

One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.

The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000.

The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2.

The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.

[worldangel]

Joke: The price is firmed

One day a rich famous man went to buy a sport car from a dealership. The price of the car was $80000 and the man had only $79998 to pay.

The sales associate insisted that the price is firm and it has to be $80000.

The man came out of the store and looked around and saw a poor man begging for help. He went toward him and introduced himself and asked if he is kind enough to lend him $2.

The poor man asked the reason. He replied that he is willing to buy a car. The poor man though for a moment and gave the man $4 and said: Please buy one for me too.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cost to get married

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"

And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

[worldangel]

Joke: Man of the house

The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the House."

He stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied, "The funeral director!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hit the jack pot

Three contestants on a game show were trying to win prizes.

The emcee asked the first one, "For $3000 who invented the telephone?"

"Alexandra Graham Bell," she answered.

"Right you are, and as an added bonus what is your home town?"

"Orange Grove Florida," she answered. "O.K. you will receive a year’s supply of the biggest and best oranges!" said the emcee.

He asked the next one, "Now for $2000, who discovered America?"

"Columbus," she answered. "Right, and what is your home town?" Asked the emcee.

"Peach Tree, Georgia," she said. "O.K. you will receive the biggest and best peaches for a year!"

He then asked the last one, "Now for $1000, who was the first president?"

"George Washington," she said. "Right you are!" said the emcee.

The lady screamed out "I beat you all and hit the jack pot!"

"How can you say that?" asked the other two, "You only won $1000"

"I’m from Petersburg." She replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: A genie appears

A man is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. A genie appears and grants him one wish.

The man thinks for a moment then says "I want to live forever!" "Sorry," said the genie "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

The man thinks for a moment then says "OK then, I want to die after the Government balances the budget and eliminates the debt."

[worldangel]

Joke: I don’t feel like it

One evening last week, my wife and I got into bed.

Well, The passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT!!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love Me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing ecstatic satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurt out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT??!!!"

I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two blondes go to heaven

Two blondes are in heaven. One blonde says to the other, "How did you die?"

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see, I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity ... if only you had looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[worldangel]

Joke: The pearly gates

Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to the three guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!"

The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating with someone so I searched the apartment. I look under the bed, in the closet, in the washroom, but I couldn't find anyone. Then as I looked out the window, I saw two hands holding onto the ledge. I went to grab a brick and started bashing the guy's hands. He finally lets go, but falls in a bush below. I wasn't sure if he died, so I threw my fridge out the window onto the guy. Later, I felt so guilty, I committed suicide."

"Wow, that's a pretty interesting story" said St. Peter.

The next man walks up to St. Peter and begins telling his story. "So, me and my wife were having a really heated argument. Eventually, she got so pissed off that she pushed me out of our 5th story apartment window. Lucky, I was able to grab someone else's window on my fall down. All of a sudden, some nutcase began hitting me with a brick! I let go, and luckily fell into a bush. Just as I was getting up, the idiot dropped a fridge on me!"

"Wow... that's also a pretty interesting story." Says St. Peter.

Finally, the last man walks up to St. Peter and begins: "Imagine you're naked and in a fridge..."

[worldangel]

Joke: A.M Radio

A blonde purchased an A.M. radio.... took her a month to figure out she could use it in the afternoon!

[worldangel]

Joke: We’ll talk about the car

A young boy had just got his driver's permit and inquired of his father, an evangelist, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to the study and said to the boy, "I'll make a deal with you, son. You bring your grades up from a C to a B-average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

Well, the boy thought about that for a moment and decided that he'd best settle for the offer, and they agreed. After about six weeks the boy came back and again asked his father about the car.

Again, they went to the study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you've been studying your Bible and participating a lot more in the Bible study class on Sunday morning. But I'm real disappointed since you haven't got your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment and then said, "You know dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, and there's even strong argument that Jesus himself had long hair."

To which his father replied, "You're right, son. Did you also notice that they all WALKED everywhere they went?"

[worldangel]

Joke: 15-Year Scotch

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a shot of 15-year-old scotch, the bartender thinks that he doesn't know the difference so he gives him a shot of 5-year-old scotch.

The guy drinks it and says, "Yuck that isn't 15-year-old scotch, that's 5-year-old scotch."

The bartender thinks to himself "Alright lucky guess," so the bartender gives him a shot of 10-year-old scotch and the guy drinks it and say "Nope, that still isn't 15-year-old scotch, that is 10-year-old scotch, give me a shot of 15-year-old scotch now."

So the bartender thinks, "Wow, this guy knows his scotch," so he pours him a shot of 15-year-old scotch and the guy drinks it down and says "Mmmm that's the stuff."

Meanwhile a drunk from across the bar stumbles over the scotch drinker and gives him a shot and says "Take this."

So the scotch drinker takes it and spits it out right away and say "Yuck! That tastes like piss!"

The drunk says, "Yea, how old am I!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Tapping the ground

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 8 children. A blind man joins them a few minutes later.

When the bus arrives, they find it is overloaded and only the wife and kids are able to fit. The husband and the blind man decide to walk, the blind man's cane tapping the ground.

After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick and says, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? The ticking sound is driving me crazy!"

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of your stick, we would be sitting in the bus right now."

[worldangel]

Joke: Penguin

A penguin is having problems with his car so he drops it off at the workshop and asks the mechanic to check it out while he goes and gets an ice-cream. (Penguins like ice-cream as everyone knows).

It is very difficult to eat an ice-cream with flippers and the penguin gets it all over his face.

Soon after, he returns to the workshop and asks what the problem was with his car. The mechanic says, “It looks like you've just blown a seal." to which the penguin replies, “No, I've just been eating ice-cream."

[worldangel]

Joke: Legal & logical explained

After having failed his exam in "Logistics and Organization", a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.

If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret to long life

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him.

"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."

[worldangel]

Joke: Natural death

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!

"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife’s headstone

Charlie was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rita dies. At the cemetery, Joe's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:

"Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."

Charlie was standing in front of Rita's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.

His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita's headstone."

Through his tears, Joe sobs, "You don't understand. They left out the phone number."

[worldangel]

Joke: Special breakfast

One morning, Lisa and Sadie decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for £3.99.

"That sounds good," said Sadie, "but I don't want the eggs."

"OK," said the waitress, but I will then have to charge you £4.50."

"Why," asked Lisa, "it doesn't make sense.

"Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte," the waitress replied.

"Do you mean I'll have to pay for not taking the eggs?" Sadie asked.

"Yes," replied the waitress.

"OK then, I'll take the special," says Sadie.

"How do you want your eggs done?" asked the waitress.

"Raw and in the shell," Sadie replied.

At the end of the meal, Sadie took the two eggs home.

[worldangel]

Joke: The poor tailor

Harry was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2 Star Restaurant. Every day for lunch, Harry would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant's kitchen.

One day, the restaurant sent Harry an invoice. Harry went to see the manager to ask why.

The manager replied, "You're enjoying my food, so you should pay for it."

Harry refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story.

They said, "Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it."

The judge then asked Harry, "And what do you have to say about that?"

Harry said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What's the meaning of that?"

Harry replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

[worldangel]

Joke: What success is at different ages

At age 4 success is...........not peeing in ur pants

At age 12 success is .............having friends

At age 17 success is .............having an driver license

At age 35 success is .............having money

At age 50 success is .............having money

At age 70 success is .............having driver license

At age 75 success is .............having friends

At age 80 success is .............NOT PEEING IN UR PANTS

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet brush

Tom, Tool and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.

They bought five tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of Gourmet Spaghetti sauce.

Tool was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long Gourmet Spaghetti.

And Harry won the sixth prize - a Toilet Brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said di*k. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The lumberjack

Smith went to Canada to seek his fortune as a lumberjack. He met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give him a job.

"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told him. Smith didn't see this as a problem, so he went out with the Chainsaw and did his best.

He came back sweating like a pig. "Christ, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman.

"6" he replied.

"What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow." The foreman said.

So he did. Out he went with the chainsaw and came back that night exhausted.

"How many this time?" asked the foreman.

"12" he said.

The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning."

The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly."

He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM.

He notices Smith is looking at him frantically. So he asks him what's wrong.

Paddy replies, "What the hell is that noise?"