Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Physics saves life

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

[worldangel]

Joke: Kiss & slap

A Design engineer and his Project Manager were traveling towards Ooty in a train. Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grandma. With in some time, Eye-Eye interactions started between our engineer & that girl. After some minutes, train started moving in to a tunnel and it was very dark.

Suddenly, every body heard a kiss sound followed by a sound of slapping. Every body remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.

Grandma thought that," The Guy is a rogue; how dare he is? He has kissed my grand daughter! But my Grand daughter is genuine; she immediately slapped that guy."

PM thought that,"I can't believe that this guy has kissed that girl! But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake"

That girl thought that,"I feel happy, when that guy kissed me, but I feel sorry that my grand ma has slapped him".

Finally, do u know what our clever Design engineer thought?

"This one minute in my life is wonderful, It hardly comes...because, at a time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my PM."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three ducks

Three ducks were sitting at a bar and the bartender came over to the first duck and says:

"what's your name and what've you been doing" the duck says " my names Heuie and I've been jumping in puddles" ,

then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks, what's your name and what've you been doing", the second duck says "my names Duie and I've been jumping in puddles",

then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says "don't tell me your name is Louie and you've been jumping in puddles" the duck replies:

"no, my names Puddles and I've been having a bad day"!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Three ducks

Three ducks were sitting at a bar and the bartender came over to the first duck and says:

"what's your name and what've you been doing" the duck says " my names Heuie and I've been jumping in puddles" ,

then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks, what's your name and what've you been doing", the second duck says "my names Duie and I've been jumping in puddles",

then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says "don't tell me your name is Louie and you've been jumping in puddles" the duck replies:

"no, my names Puddles and I've been having a bad day"!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Generation gap

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing ....and..."

...pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little sh*t - what are you doing for the next generation?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Soft drinks

Banta had always ordered a beverage by simply saying, "A Coke, please."

However, recently waitresses had been responding, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Thums Up, Dew, Sprite, Fanta... "

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, Banta decided to make life easier. So one day he simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "Dark, Carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter looked up and said, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Age fabrication

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won!

He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Infinite Wisdom

One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled. It was a brilliant lecture.

Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel came down and approached the teacher.

She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge."

Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear the first words from a man with infinite wisdom.

He said, "It would of been wiser to take the money..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Working ghost

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death, we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Electric razor

An unhappy-looking old man had stood in the long gift return line at the store. Finally he made it to the counter with his package.

The clerk, observing his stubble of day-old beard, spotted here and there by bits of stuck-on toilet paper, asked if he could help him.

The old man brought out the item he wished to exchange, an electric razor. "My son bought me this newfangled shaver," complained the fellow, "and he said it would let me shave in half the time with less cuts than my old straight razor. I tried it this morning, and it took almost a half hour, and it pulled out more hair than it cut! I want a refund!"

The patient clerk took the electric shaver and looked it over, seeing clumps of wiry facial hair sticking out of the screen. "Let's see if we can tell what the problem might be."

After turning it over and trying to switch it on, he removed the base and found that there were no batteries in it.

Asked the clerk, "Did you try some new batteries before taking them out?"

The grizzled old farmer squinted his eyes and rubbed his rough face, then asked, "It needs batteries?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The big red one

Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?"

Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want."

So, he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat.

"No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else!" he thought happily.

As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!"

Santa rushed around a corner to hide.

"It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!"

So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off.

"I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought.

So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted, "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"

Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?"

The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you, but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead politicians

Busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two bachelors

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it - Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

[worldangel]

Joke: Damn fish

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Group policy

Peter walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"

"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00. "How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the world’s best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Peter was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.

He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. George's and this one is Mr. Robert's."

"That’s good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Latecomer

For thirty years, Smith had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Smith's arrival, it caused a sensation.

All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at Ten, Smith showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[worldangel]

Joke: So romantic

Heyo !!

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty,

He said...no.

She asked him if he would want to be with her forever....

and he said no.

She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry,

and once again he replied with a no.

She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face

the boy grabbed her arm and said....

You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever.

I NEED to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...

I'd die...

[worldangel]

Joke: Borrowing the car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen.

They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, 'I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital.

Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.'

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic.

And, there is a note on the door reading, 'Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?

[worldangel]

Joke: I’m the boss

*The boss* was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.

The next day, he brought a small sign that

Read:

"*I'm the Boss*!"

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

"*Your wife called, she wants her sign back*!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bus load of politicians

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate.

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians.

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer said he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn't believe them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nervous dad

Dave is told his girlfriend's gone into labour early. "Here's the nurse's direct number," a supervisor tells him. Unfortunately, the number is wrong and Dave gets through to the local cricket club during a game. "How's everything going?" he asks.

"Oh, fine," says a cheery woman. "We've got eight out already."

"Eight?" wails Dave, who's nervous enough about becoming a dad.

"Yep," she says. "And the last one was a duck."

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s too late before you understand it

When his daughter turned to 18, the father is ecstatic to be writing the last alimony checque to his ex-wife..

He exclaimed "Thank god this torment is over", and asked the daughter to tell him what her mother said when she hears bout 'the last checque of alimony' she'd ever get from him and "tell me the truth"

he also said that he even wanted to know "her exact expression" when she tell her bout that

"Don't worry" said the daughter

The daughter hands her mum the checque and return to her dad's house to relay the answer where the old man was waiting anxiously

"So, darling, what was her reaction?"

The daughter ........."well, she asked me to tell you that..

"You're not my father"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wisdom of age

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[worldangel]

Joke: How did it happen, granny?

A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother. After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."

"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims.

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing. You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street. In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart students and a smarter dean

4 MBA students went out on a night before their exam and were boozing hard. They did not study for the test and thought of a plan to escape. So they went to their dean looking weary and worn out, their dresses covered in grease and dirt.

They told their dean that they had all gone to a wedding the previous day and while coming back their car tyre had blown up. So they had to push the car all way back to the hostel as there was no help available on the way. So they said that they were not in a position to write the test that day and asked him to conduct a retest later.

The dean being a kind man he was asked them to come to a retest 3 days later.

The boys were very happy and went to prepare in full swing.

After 3 days the dean asked them to come for the test.

The dean said that the test had 2 questions for 100 marks.

He said that they had to write the test in separate rooms.

As the boys had prepared well they agreed. The test went as follows.

TEST

Q.1 Write your name

Q.2 Whichtyre burst?

[worldangel]

Joke: Beggars can be choosers

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs. 10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7, 50.

" Well," the beggar thinks, " it's still better than nothing."

A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.

" What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. " First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"

" Well," the man says, " last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further ."

" And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.

" Four," the man replies.

" Well," says the beggar, " I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three women

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of Heaven to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words," I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Have you ever been tested like this before?

A college student needed a small two-hour course to fill his schedule and the only one available was wildlife Zoology.

After one week, a test was held. The professor passed out a sheet of paper divided into four squares.

In each square was a carefully drawn picture of a bird's legs. No bodies, no feet, just legs.

The test asked each student to identify the birds from their legs.

The student sat and stared at the test getting angrier every minute.Finally he stomped up to the front of the classroom and threw the test on the teacher's desk. "This is the worst test I have ever given."

The teacher looked up and said: "Young man, you have flunked the test. What's your name?"

The student pulled up his pant to the knee showing his legs and said: "You tell me"

[worldangel]

Joke: Who fired the shot?

A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkups.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling.

" I've never been better," the old man replied." I've got a twenty-year-old bride who's pregnant & is about to deliver a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment, then says, " Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting.But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun ".

The doctor continued, " So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some bush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.

BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him ."

That's impossible !" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion.

" Exactly" Said the Doc

[worldangel]

Joke: Holmes Joke

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Our Life is a perfect reflection of our beliefs...

[worldangel]

Joke: Father to be

You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"

He replied, "I'm going to be a father."

"But that's wonderful," I said.

"What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know it yet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Last chance

A man traveling in southern Indiana was headed for the Kentucky border ...when he saw a large sign... "LAST CHANCE FOR $1.25 GAS!!!"

He still had more than a quarter of a tank left, but figured he'd better take advantage of this opportunity to fill-up his tank.

As he was getting his change from the attendant, he asked, "How much is gas in Kentucky?"

The attendant replied, "$1.10..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead bed

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him.

He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.

Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor,

"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast.

"I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.

"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it contained my personal check for the full $30,000."

[worldangel]

Joke: Queen size

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,

"Grandma, are these for mom ? They are the same size as mom's bed!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Who is stupid?

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men

Three men were flying in a plane, when they decided to drop stuff on the town they were flying over. One dropped a book, one dropped a brick, and one dropped a bomb, just for fun.

They then landed, to survey the damage they caused. The first thing they saw was a small child, crying and holding a book. Then they saw another small child, crying and holding a brick. Then they saw a small child laughing his head off. "What's so funny?" they asked him.

"It was great," he said. "I farted and my neighbor's house blew up."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little girl

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"

The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.

The little girl replied, ''Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree.

The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."

''OOOOhhhh'' said the little girl.

The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mommy, I got ten dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"

The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree and laughed."

The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is...''

Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tim patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

The boy thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding gifts

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis,

Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist:

"OK, we'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde joke

A Blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the saleswoman:

"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."

The surprised saleswoman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have

curtains...."

And the blonde said:"Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad wife disease

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked,

"What the hell was that for?" She replied "Your horse called."

[worldangel]

Joke: Asking mommy

Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.

Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."

Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The Little Johnny, frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation. His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.

The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an "F" in sex."

[worldangel]

Joke: Giggling in class

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks,

"What's so funny Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.

She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cute sex

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply."Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your criband find out."

He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared

beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with an big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks

and I've got blue ones."

SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ??

[worldangel]

Joke: Shave the beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping..

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Where is your wife?

Two guys are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big assets and is wearing short shorts and a tank top.

What does your wife look like"?

The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Beautiful daughter

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live

alligators. He kept them in the pool in back ofhis mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces,"My dear guests . . . I have aproposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming

out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do Iwant your laughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet.

He asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they are very strong and very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa?

"Ten dollars a pill." answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one and before we leave in the morning. I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."

I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mouthwash

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde joke

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the , and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent," They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words," I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again, they all immediately prostrate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well,I'm from the University of Alabama and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."