Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Paris cafe

One night in Paris, an American tourist dropped into a sidewalk cafe late one night and, after a couple of drinks, realized he was the last person in the bar except for a man sleeping at one of the tables.

The man called the proprietor over and asked for his bill.

"Would monsieur care for another drink?" asked the Frenchman.

"No thanks, I imagine you want to close up. Why don't you send that other fellow home?"

"Well, I should," said the Frenchman, "but each time I wake him up he asks for the bill and pays it again!"

[worldangel]

Joke: This is life .............and People

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he

put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home.

You want it, you take it."

For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50." The next day, someone stole it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Let’s Find out

A couple were returning to their seats in the dark theater. The husband

asked the fellow on the aisle, "did someone step on your foot on the way out

for intermission?"

"Yes, you did," the fellow replied, expecting an apology.

"Okay honey," the husband said. "This is our row."

[worldangel]

Joke: Why parents go gray?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, is your Daddy home?

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked.

To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "no."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman"?

"No, he's busy," whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper".

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"They're looking for me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Work or Prison

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.

AT WORK you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get rewarded for good behavior with time off.

AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.

AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK they are called managers.

[worldangel]

Joke: Four letter word

 

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman.

The next day someone asked him how things had gone.

"She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?"

"Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Deceived

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping..

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding ticket

 

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove-box, and that there was a body in the trunk?

Driver: Yeah, and I'll bet the big liar told you I was speeding too!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde joke

 

A Blonde girl enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the saleswoman:

"I would like to buy a pink curtain in the size of my computer screen."

The surprised saleswoman replies: "But, madam, computers do not have
curtains...."

And the blonde said:"Helloooo.... I've got Windows!!!!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Cute sex

 

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?" "I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby. "I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.
"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out."

He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "you've got pink socks and I've got blue ones."

SHAME ON YOU, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING ??

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shave the beard

 

A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

"Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."

James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!"

"Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.

"Really, I can't," he replied. "My wife loves this beard!"

The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping..

The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where is your wife?

 

Two guys are pushing their shopping trolleys around a supermarket when they collide.

The first guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going".

The second guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like"?

The second guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, big assets and is wearing short shorts and a tank top. 

What does your wife look like"?

The first guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours!!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage

 

Daddy," said a six-year-old boy, "I'd like to get married."
"Sure, son." said his father.

"Anyone special in mind?"
"Yes," answered the boy.
"Grandma."
"Now, wait a minute," said his father.

"You don't think I'd let youmarry my mother, do you!!"
"Why not?" the boy asked.
"You married mine." !!!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nag or Beg?

Wife: Oh, come on.!
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won't take long.
Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.

Wife: I can't sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darnest times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

Husband: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)
Husband: Alright, I'll do it.

Wife: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can't find it.
Wife: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?

Wife: Oh, yes, honey.
Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that's fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cawfee

 

This is something I saw on TV the other day.
A duck walks into a 7Eleven store and asks the clerk
Duck: Do you have any Cawfee ?
Clerk: No

Duck: Do you have any Cawfee ?
Clerk: Didn't you hear me...I said NO
Duck leaves and comes back the next day
Duck: Do you have any Cawfee ?
Clerk: No

Duck: Do you have any Cawfee ?
Clerk is really annoyed now and yells at the duck
We don't have any cawfee. If you ask me that on more time, I will staple your legs to this counter.
Duck leaves and shows up the next day.
Duck: Do you have any staples ?
Clerk: No

Duck: DO YOU HAVE ANY CAWFEE ?

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad wife disease

 

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied. 

Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked,

"What the hell was that for?" She replied "Your horse called."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Boys will be boys

 

 

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to Introduce themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys first."

Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting.
Well, Ok.

In fact, we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John.

Yes next."

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."

Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of Supporting a friend.

Ok next."

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the Bathtub."

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."

 

This continues...

And the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see Bubble in the bathtub."

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."

First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."

Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."

Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next."

You sweet Girl; Yes you..."

Most beautiful girl of the class gets up:

"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t forget the coffee

 

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they'll be flying, the expected arrival time, a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.

 

Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

 

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says, "Don't forget the coffee".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The smart salesman

 

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked - 
"Sir, would you like to buy aa bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?" 

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!" 

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again - 
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00? 

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!" 

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy - 
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much". 

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says: 
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!" 

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Room in a hell

 

A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said. 

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second." 

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third." 

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. 

"I'll choose this room," he said. 

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. 

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Room in a hell

 

A self-centered, unbelieving man... ok a lawyer... died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said. 

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second." 

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third." 

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee. 

"I'll choose this room," he said. 

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. 

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Air force recruitment

 

The chief of staff of the Air Force decided that he wouldpersonally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of ourarmed services.

He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that alleligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, apair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off aMarine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand andintroduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills canyou bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get himin today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off.

The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills toyou bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the AirForce, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, wedon't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop itbefore he can pile it!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t think your boss is intelligent

 

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, “How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less,"I earn Rs.2000 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed Rs. 6000 cash and gave it to the young man and said,

"Around here I pay people 4 working, not 4 standingaround looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, andnow just GET OUT and don't come back"

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner,"And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him,

"Who? the young man that I just fired?"
To which an amazing reply came of, 

"He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Turtle

 

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. 

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. 

The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" 

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" 

"Not a chance!" replies the barkeep. 

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." 

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. 

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I win."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Job

 

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye... that's a very popular clichi for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

The last man replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already sh*t my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss's wife instead."I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss."I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts,"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Coz," he replied laughing,"I just love hearing it..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Strange page

 

One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people. 

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." 

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him. 

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said. 

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number. 

"She leaves her name," was the reply. 

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on. 

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked. 

"L-O-W C-E-L-L" 

Another technical problem solved.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:That beautiful girl at work

 

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. 

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" 

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. 

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." 

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" 

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." 

"Sensible" says Jeff. 

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw." 

"And what happened then?" 

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.) 

"I kicked her in the face."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good old days

 

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?" 

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his. 

With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?" 

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek. 

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?" 

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?" 

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Voice

 

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. 

He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" 
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Facts of life

 

Boy: Dad, what's politics? 
Dad: Let me set an example with our family. I have all the money so we'll call me the management.

Mom receives most of it so we'll call her the government. We'll call the maid the working class, you are the people, and your baby brother is the future. Do you understand now son? 

Boy: I still don't understand dad.
Dad: Think about it for a while son. That night the boy wakes up because his baby brother is crying. He goes in and finds out he's soiled his diapers. He goes to tell his mom but she's asleep he goes in to the maids room but she's in there having sex with his dad. He bangs on the door but no one can here him. The next day...

Son: Dad I understand politics now. 
Dad: Good, explain it to me in your own words son.
Son: The management is screwing the working class while the governments fast asleep. The people are being ignored and the future is full of sh*t!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Me & my boss

 

When I Take a long time to finish, I am slow,
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough,
 

When I don't do it, I am lazy,
When my boss does not do it, he is busy,

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart,
When my boss does the same, he takes the initiative,
 

When I please my boss, I am apple polishing,
When my boss pleases his boss, he is cooperating,

When I make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When my boss makes a mistake, he's only human.
 

When I am out of the office, I am wandering around.
When my boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When I am on a day off sick, I am always sick.
When my boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
 

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview
When my boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked

When I do good, my boss never remembers,
When I do wrong, he never forgets

[worldangel]

Joke: Friend for dinner

 

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper." 

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!" 

"I know all that." 

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?" 

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk again

 

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

 

Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you Ole?" 

Ole said, "Why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t use mobile phone inside the toilet

 

 

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying :
" Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom But I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat Embarrassed, " Doin just fine!"

And the other guy says: " So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this Is too bizarre so I say: " Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point im just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear I Hear another question." Can I come over ?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could Just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, " No.......
I'm a little busy right now !!!"

Then I hear guy say nervously....

Listen. I'll have to call you back. There's is an idiot in the Other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde flight attendant

 

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

 

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

 

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!" "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?" She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At a trial

 

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the worst answer. 

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. The witness was a grand-motherly, elderly woman. 
He approached her and asked, "Mrs.Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've know you since you were a young boy,and frankly,you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. " 

The Lawyer was stunned. 
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 
"Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy,bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife.Yes, I know him." 
The defense attorney almost died. 

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bast...s asks her if she knows me, I'll throw you in jail for contempt."

[worldangel]

Joke: Last name

 

A lady manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. 

"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy. 

"John," the new guy replied. 

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" 

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling." 

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. 
The wife is behind the wheel. 

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. 
"I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce." 

The wife says nothing,

Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. 
The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it,"
He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
And she's a far better lover than you are." 

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.. 

Up to 60. 
"I want the car, too," he continues. 

65 mph. 
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!" 

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?" 

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?" 

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. 
"The airbag." 

Moral of the Story: Women are clever!!!  Don't mess with them!!

[worldangel]

Joke: School

 

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up. 

MOM : "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school." 

SON : "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school." 

MOM : "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school." 

SON : "One, all the chilldren hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me." 

MOM : "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school." 

SON : "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?" 

MOM : One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old and should understand your responsibilities. 

Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychiatrist

 

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. 
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" 

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." 
"How much do you charge?" 
"A hundred dollars per visit." 
"I'll sleep on it," said the man. 
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. 

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. 
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." 
"Is that so! How?" 
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Child birth

 

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
 

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
 

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
 

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
 

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

[worldangel]

Joke: Going to toilet

 

During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students: 
 

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?" 
 

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss." 

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part." 

Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute." 
 

The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant." 

And Little Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

[worldangel]

Joke: Example of coincidence

 

Teacher:"Can anyone give me an example of Coincidence?"
Johnny:"Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day same time."

Teacher: How old is your father.
Sunny:As old as I am.

Teacher:How is it possible?
Sunny:He became father only after I was born.

 

[worldangel]

Joke:New fridge

 

A guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, "Free to good home. You want it, you take it."

 

For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, "Fridge for sale, $50." The next day, someone stole it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Let’s find out

A couple were returning to their seats in the dark theater. The husband asked the fellow on the aisle, "did someone step on your foot on the way out for intermission?"

"Yes, you did," the fellow replied, expecting an apology.

"Okay honey," the husband said. "This is our row."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Blind Date

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awestruck at how beautiful and sexy she is.

He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts...
"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Clever old woman

 

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding .....

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it ... 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see ... can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Senior Officer: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Senior Officer: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Senior Officer: Yes ... could you please open the trunk of your car.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Senior Officer: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Senior Officer: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driver's license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Senior Officer: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 50^th wedding anniversary

 

A man talking to his friend about what to do for his 50th wedding anniversary. The friend asked, "What did you do for your 25th?"

He said, "I took my wife to Hawaii."

The friend then asked, "What are you thinking about for your 50th?"

He said, "Well I was thinking of bringing her back."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Johnny and Jenny

 

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. 
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. 

Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." 
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,you are only 10. Where will you two live?" 

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." 
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, 
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." 

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. 
Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. 
That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine" 

By this time Mr Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. 
After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny,it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. 

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..." 
Mr. Smith faints.............