Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Gambling

 

 

On the eve of New Year a blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

 

 

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?"

 

 

The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes."

 

"Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

 

 

"Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight”

Edited May 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Speed limit

 

 

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

 

 

So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, the officer notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts.

 

 

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

 

 

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit."

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

 

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

 

 

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Edited May 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Sahara forest

 

 

A large, well established, lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door.

 

The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant tree over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

 

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.
I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

 

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

Edited May 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Oversmart

 

 

They turned on a night light, turned the answer machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and threw the cat into the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.

 

 

The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had thrown into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because "she" always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty.

 

She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

 

"Sorry I took so long," he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat A*s downstairs and threw her into the back yard !!"

Edited May 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Slowdown

 

One Day A Policeman Stopped A Motorist Who Had Just Gone Through

 

A Four Way Stop Sign And Was About To Give Him A Ticket

 

When The Motorist Said. "Officer You Can't Give Me A Ticket For That!' "Why Not" Said The Officer.

 

"Because Although I Did Not Stop I Slowed Right Down And Its Almost The Same."

 

"But You Did Not Stop" Replied The Officer, "And The Sign Says STOP."

 

"But The Way Was Clear And It Was Safe" Replied The Motorist.

 

The Officer Then Pulls Out His Batton And Starts Hitting The Motorist. "What Are You Doing!" Yells The Motorist In Surprise.

 

"Do You Want Me To Slow Down Or Stop" Says The Officer.

Edited May 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: It hurts

 

 

Jack's mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his two-year old sister pulling his hair.

 

 

She gently released the little girl's grip and said comfortingly to Jack,

 

 

"There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't know that hurts."

 

 

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she asked, "What happened?"

 

 

"She knows now," Jack replied.

Edited May 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Lion tamer

 

 

"I'm going to become a lion tamer."
"That's crazy, you don't know nothing about lion taming."
"Yes I do!"

 

"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I'll take that big chair they all carry and stick it in his face until he backs down."

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"

 

 

"Well, then I'll takes that whip they all carry and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and breaks it in two? What are you going to do then?"

"Well, then I'll take that gun they all carry and shoot him."

 

 

"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, throw it in his eyes and run out of the cage."

 

"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What are you going to do then?"

"Well, that's dumb. Because if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, bites the whip in two and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."

Edited May 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Father’s ashes

 

During their first date, the guy goes to the girl's house, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to get them a drink, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

 

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in with the drinks.
Holding up the vase, he asks "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there ..."

He goes, "Oooh ... I ... I didn't know your father ..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

Edited May 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Common sense

 

 

A man walked up to a farmer as he came out of a voting booth, "I'm from the CBI."
"What seems to be the trouble?"

 

"We happen to know that you accepted a bribe and sold your vote."
"That's not true. I voted for the candidate because I like him."

"Well, that's where we've got you. We have concrete evidence you accepted Rupees 10000 from him."

 

"Well, it's plain common sense. If someone gives you 10000 bucks, you're going to like him."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rejection letter

 

 

Dear Manager,

Thank you for your letter of April 25th. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your company.

 

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

 

Despite your companies outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August.

I look forward to seeing you then.
Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Interviewee

[worldangel]

Joke: Diet club

 

 

A woman in an diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they'd eaten half of it at dinner.

 

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed.

 

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out.

She smiled, "He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Annie Wan

 

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ? 
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me. 

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan! 
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this? 

Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! 
It's urgent. 
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to 
anyone! But what's this urgent matter about? 

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our 
brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan 
got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. 
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was 
sent to the hospital from the accident that isn't an urgent 
matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! 

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you? 
Operator: I'm Saw Lee. 

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your 
name!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Three couples

 

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,"Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...".

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

6:00 a.m.
---------
The phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse.

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary".

Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

6:30 a.m.
--------
The telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed. Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three
minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.

4:30 p.m.
--------
The teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs. Joe fearing the worst asked " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying "We are going to do this over and over, until we get it right"

Edited June 1, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Engagement!!! 

A soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

 

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following: 

 

''Regret cannot remember which one is you ... please keep your photo and return the others.''

[worldangel]

Joke: I am lost

 

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As he was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached
what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?".

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Where were you? 

 

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still!. If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. 
Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, and a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I was getting married?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Embarrassing

 

Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."

 

Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.

 

"My dear Mr. Smith," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"

 

The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Monica, my girl. It isn't often I see you on wash day. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail."

Edited June 1, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The cannibals

 

 

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now," said Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with you, however, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads 'No.'

After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others: "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibal shouted, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one secretary and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working."

[worldangel]

Joke: Woommbb

 

 

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."

The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."

The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."

The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Illegitimate son

 

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won ten million.

 

The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man Rs one thousand.

 

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on liquor or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Mom."

 

"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"

"Yep," said the old man fingering the thousand rupees, "... and a cheap one, too."

Edited June 1, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The old wisdom

 

After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up.

 

Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

 

The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond without clothes. I only came down to feed the alligator.

Edited June 1, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Last name

 

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishing bait

 

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Park and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"TchTch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishing, sir."

"Fishing, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the fourth today, sir!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Costly perfume

 

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three wishes

 

It was a poor.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of beer. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.

"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."

"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, without clothes girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.

Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.......a toilet!

[worldangel]

Joke: Legacy

 

Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty thousand."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me ninty thousand."

"I'd like that."

"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"How you look so glum?"

"This week nothing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wacky driving

 

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets, weaving in and out of traffic.

The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver. She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street, but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.

"Driver!" the passenger screamed, "Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax, lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

[worldangel]

Joke: Funny

 

1st woman: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? 
2nd woman: Yes I am, I married the wrong man. 

Wife: It's a bottle of hair tonic, dear. 
Husband: That's nice of u darling! 
Wife: Give it to ur steno at office. Her hair is coming rather badly on your coat

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. 2 times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

When a guy says "I broke up with her." 
He actually means "She dumped me."

When a guy says "I don't need to read the instructions." 
He actually means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding ticket

 

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour. When she noticed a policeman following her, instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, they were two cops on motorcycles following her.

She shot up to 80 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead.

She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room.

Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her.

Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

[worldangel]

Joke: The popular girl

 

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date.

"So how'd it go, Joe?" asked Bill.

"Terrible," admitted Joe. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never even got started."

Bill tried to comfort him, "It could have been worse, Joe. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?"

"Yeah," Joe replied, "but not in the Yellow Pages!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The landlord

 

A big, burly man visited his pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father of the family is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

 

 

Joke: Toughen up

 

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Eventually, he even started putting potatoes in the sacks.

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk captain

 

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the lockup for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: Shameless man

 

Lady calls up police department: Officer, there is a man exposing himself in the next building.

Officer: OK, we'll be right over, lady.

Five minutes later at her apartment.

Officer: Which way, lady?

Lady: This way officer, he's still shamelessly baring himself.

Officer: Where is he, lady? I don't see no without clothes man.

Lady: Oh, you have to look through this telescope.

[worldangel]

Joke: What is the time? :

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

Edited June 2, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Beer at the Bar

 

 

Mr Patel walks into a bar in Sydney, orders three schooners of beer and sits in the back room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When hefinishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a schooner goes flat after I draw it so it would taste better, if you bought just one at a time." Mr Patel replies,

 

"Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in London,the other is in Nairobi and I'm in Sydney. When we all parted company i nNairobi, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we spent together at the bar at The Norfolk Hotel. So I drink one for each of my brothers and one for myself."

 

 

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there." Mr Patel becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.He orders three schooners and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders only two schooners!" All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.""

 

Mr Patel looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains... " "It's just that my wife and I became devoted Swaminarayans and obviously I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Edited June 2, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Teachers get Headaches? 

Teacher: Where is your homework?
Student: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school.


Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.


Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.


Harold: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Harold: Good, because I didn't do my homework.


Teacher: Bob, I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Bob: I hope you didn't either.


Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.


Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.


Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?
Vincent: One dollar.
Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.
Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.


Teacher: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?
Class Comedian: Big hands!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Man’s Life Full of Tension

 

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful . CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!

WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving".

[worldangel]

Joke: “Punctuation"

An English Professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate it correctly. 

The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing." 

The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

the question left is who is rite??

[worldangel]

Joke: Management & Staff

 

 

On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing..

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,
"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!

Here is your 3 month’s salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies to everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Free of charge

 

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary. 

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

[worldangel]

Joke: Guy in mental hospital

 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what is the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized. 

"Well," said the Director, "after we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub" 
Would you use the spoon? The teacup? The bucket? 

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup." 
Noooooo," answered the Director, looking at the visitor with new interest. 
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"A normal person would pull the drain plug".

[worldangel]

Joke: Annoying boy on the bus

 

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' 

 

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' 

 

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

 

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Edited June 2, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: An unlikely hero

 

 

A cruise ship was wrecked in a storm, and the handful of survivors were washed up on a desert island without food or water. When dawn came,
they saw that the ship was washed up on a sandbar just a few hundred feet away.

However, the inlet was crawling with hungry sharks. The strongest young man volunteered to bring back the food. "I'm strong and I'm a good
swimmer. I think I can make it."

He dove in and give it his best shot, but the sharks devoured him before he had a chance to get close to the ship.

"I'm a clergyman," another man volunteered. "The Lord will protect His servant." But he too became shark chow.

Finally, a lawyer stepped forward. "I think I can get to the ship," he said.

Sure enough, as soon as he got into the water, a dozen sharks lined up and escorted his to and from the ship. He made the round trip unharmed
and brought everyone some food.

"It's a miracle!" several of the passengers shouted.

"Nah, it's no miracle," the lawyer replied. "It's just professional courtesy."

[worldangel]

Joke: IT guys will never change

 

 

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.

"Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous

blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy. 

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got
into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to make her feel special"

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. 

"I then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop? What configuration?"

"It's a 1 GB RAM and mobile internet connectivity card and............"

[worldangel]

Joke: IT Guys will never change

 

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.
"Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy. 

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to make her feel special"

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy. 

"I then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop? What configuration?"

"It's a 1 GB RAM and mobile internet connectivity card and............"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Credit Card short story

 

This girl was shopping at the grocery store the other day and tried to pay for her purchase with her Credit Card.

 

After swiping it several times she told the cashier that she didn't think it was working.

 

The cashier told her that he didn't think anyone had ever been able to get their driver's license to work in the machine.

 

Joke: Three men lost in forest

 

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

[worldangel]

Joke: Even business

 

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says: "So how is your strange business going?" 

"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"

"So!"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out, each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bosses versus workers

 

When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.

When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.



When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.

When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.

[worldangel]

Joke: Working late night

 

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to 
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a 
tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, 
chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You 
scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Statue’s revenge

 

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.

 

Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life.

 

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the giggling of statues, rustling of bushes and snapping of twigs.

 

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

 

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"

Edited June 3, 2015 by worldangel