Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Organist

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist!

[worldangel]

Joke: Play Your Age

A woman is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, “What horrible luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A gentleman next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, “I don’t know… Why don’t you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don’t know, buddy…. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Ambitious Young Judge’s Clerk

An ambitious, young clerk’s responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee every morning. And, every morning, the judge became infuriated when the coffee cup was brought to him just 2/3 full.

With his back to the corner, the young clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. After weeks of yelling and insults,

nothing the judge said to the young clerk produced a full cup of coffee - until he threatened to cut the clerk’s pay by 1/3 if he continued to produce 1/3 less than the judge wanted.

The following morning, the judge was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn’t resist gloating over his success and smugly

complimented the clerk on his new technique.

“Oh, there’s not much to it,” admitted the clerk happily, “I take some coffee in my mouth right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyers Are The Best Patients

Two new surgeons at the hospital were discussing the qualities of their favorite patients. “I like contractors myself” says one. “They don’t even flinch when I tell them I underestimated the cost and length of surgery.”

“Well, I had an electrician yesterday” another says. “It was beautiful everything inside well marked and color coded!’

An older surgeon passing by heard them, and cut in. “You fellas ain’t seen nothing yet” he tells them “By far the best patients are lawyers- they have no heart, no spine, little guts, and the head and butt are

fully interchangeable!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Day In The Life Of A BMW Driver

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my interstates, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn’t believe that the volume of traffic DIDN’T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the exit ramp! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn’t be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on!

(They’re not free points either - they’re £20 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won’t be much longer before I earn the full 12 points,

and then I won’t even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT’S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW!

[worldangel]

Joke: No More Floppy Lips

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him.

‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse.

She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked. ‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Writer’s Hell

A writer died and St. Peter offered him the option of going to hell or to heaven. To help decide, he asked for a tour of each destination. St. Peter agreed and decided to take him to hell first.

As he descended into the fiery pits, the writer saw row upon row of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop. As they worked, they were repeatedly whipped with thorny lashes by demons.

"Oh, my," the writer said, "let me see heaven."

A few moments later, as they ascended into heaven, the writer saw row upon row of writers, chained to their desks in a steaming sweatshop.

As they worked, they, too, were whipped with thorny lashes by demons. "Hey," the writer said, "this is just as bad as hell."

"Oh, no it's not," St Peter replied, "here your work gets published.

[worldangel]

Joke: Rationalizing My Weight Gain

The other day I went to Office Max to get some supplies. While there I bought a new ink cartridge for my printer.

It came in a fairly large box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic.

When I took it apart, which took an unnecessarily long time, I found that the printer cartridge itself was actually quite small.

It seems they made the packaging large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.

So I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect…

It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal. She’s still laughing.

[worldangel]

Joke: 22 Miles Per Hour

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok?

These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

[worldangel]

Joke: First Sergeant’s Roll Call

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:

“Ames” “Here!” “Jenson” “Here!” “Jones” “Here!” “Magersky” “Here!” “Seeback”

No answer.

“Seeback!”

No answer was heard again.

“SEEBACK!!!” The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear.

He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Cuckoo Of A Night Out

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem p***d off in the least………. Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said ‘oh sh*t.’

Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[worldangel]

Joke: Breakfast Is Kickin’

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

‘Not yet momma,’ said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

‘How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?’ he asks.

‘Well,’ his mother says, ‘I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.’

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: ‘Are you going to tell him, or should I?

[worldangel]

Joke: Work Virus - Careful, It’s Spreading

There is a new virus. The code name is “WORK.” If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else-do not touch WORK under any circumstances.

This virus wipes out your private life completely. If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take two friends and go straight to the nearest bar.

Order drinks and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your brain.

Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends. Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your whole life.

If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends. Rinse and repeat.

[worldangel]

Joke: Worthy of Heaven

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asks.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offers. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota,

I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker.

I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him,

‘Leave her alone now or you’ll answer to me.’”

St. Peter was impressed.

“When did this happen?”

“Just a few minutes ago.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Cigarette Condoms

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” - and they say “we’re saving it for later!”

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She said “I dont know… one to fit a camel?”

[clementi]

Joke: Go Fishing

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I?ll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

The kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department

and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn?t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[clementi]

Joke: Panic in the Woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[worldangel]

Joke: What Not To Do When Forgetting Your Anniversary

John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you’re married, you can imagine what he’s probably going through. His wife was really pissed.

She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” She was serious too, so John got serious.

The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.

Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.

[worldangel]

Joke: Actual McDonald’s Application For Employment

These are actual answers on a McDonald’s application submitted by a 17 year old kid someplace in Florida. They actually hired him too. I think this kid’s gonna go far…

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[worldangel]

Joke: How Much Fer Joe?

A Missouri farmer got in his pickup, drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

“Is yer paw home?” the farmer asked.

“No sir, he ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.”

“Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?”

“No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with paw.”

“How about your brother, Joe, is he here?”

“He went with maw and paw.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

“Is there anything I can do fer ya?” the boy asked politely. “I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer paw.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. “I really wanted to talk to yer paw. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.”

The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to pa about that”, he finally conceded. “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Joe.

[clementi]

Joke:The Professional Gambler

During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."

The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."

The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.

The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"

"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.

"Like what?" asked the bartender.

"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.

The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.

So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.

"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.

The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.

"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.

"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.

With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."

The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.

The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not even a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.

The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"

The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

[clementi]

Joke: Professional Animosity

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you."

While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it.

The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight. As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

Edited January 17, 2009 by clementi

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Dumb Hunters

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it.

He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."

So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed.

The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Solitary Confinement Woes

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement.

They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books.

The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life.

My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

[worldangel]

Joke: On A Deserted Island

A regular guy and Tyra Banks are the only survivors of a shipwreck. They somehow find themselves on a deserted island.

At first, Tyra wants nothing to do with the very average guy, but after a while they become friends, then lovers.

One day the guy asks Tyra to dress in his clothes and meet him on the other side of the island.

Tyra is taken aback by the request, but eventually decides there is no harm in it and agrees.

She waits for him on the beach, and he soon arrives. He runs up to her, breathless and excited.

"You'll never believe who I have been screwing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: "Honey, I Can't Perform!"

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon.

He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!

Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance.

Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer.

It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

[clementi]

Joke: Speaking of Sex

A gentleman is permitted to join a private club.

The initiation consists of holding an unprepared on-the-spot lecture,

on a theme starting on a letter which is alotted to him.

The man gets an S, and chooses to give his impromptu lecture on Sex.

Coming home and reporting to his wife, he chickens out and says that he spoke about Sailing.

The next day, his wife meets a club member who says her hubby gave a very good lecture last night -hawhawhaw.

Wife: "That's strange, I must say. He has only done it twice. The first time he got sick, and the second time he lost his hat."

[clementi]

Joke: Foot Tall

A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a man who has a burlap sack and a little guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano.

The guy that walked into the bar asks the man, "What's in the bag?" The man pulls out a genie lamp.

The guy says, Wow! Can I have one of your wishes?" The man says, "I don't know. Rub the lamp and see."

So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says, "You may have one wish."The guy wishes for a million bucks.

The genie says, "Your wish is granted," and goes back into the genie bottle. Just then one million ducks walk into the bar.

The guy says, "I didn't wish for a million ducks." The man replies, "Yeah, and I wished for a twelve inch pianist."

[worldangel]

Joke: Real Men

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while, one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed.

"What happened then?" they asked.

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Facts of Life

A man walking his son in the park one day came upon two dogs humpin' The son turns to his dad and asks, “Dad what are those dogs doing?”

The dad says, “Son I'm about to teach you a very important thing about life, what them dogs are doing is…”

The father can't do it. He thinks of all the questions his son will have. He tries again, “Son them two dogs are…”

He stops again and decides to wait until the boy is older.

“Son, you see that dog on top, well his two front paws are hurt and that dog on the bottom is helping him home.”

The son turns to his father and says, “You're right dad, that is a very important thing in life to learn.”

The dad asks, “Do you know why that is, son?”

The son replies, “Because every time you try to help someone out you always get screwed.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Broom Factory

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.

"I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"

"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"

"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."

"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."

"Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

[clementi]

Joke: All-night Duty Officer

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"

"Yes, I am," said the officer.

"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s Your Poison?

Once there lived a mother who had two sons who were very young.

The mother only gave milk to one son and neglected the other son.

The milkless son decided to apply poison on his mother's breast so that the other son would get killed.

When he woke up the next morning he found that his father had died.

[worldangel]

Joke: Stuck In The Middle

One day, there's a man and his wife driving along a road.

Suddenly out of nowhere, a freak cyclone sweeps through, overturning the car and ripping off both the man and woman's clothes.

The Cyclone passes as quickly as it came, and the man finds himself trapped underneath the overturned car.

He shouts at his wife to get help, who responds by telling him that she is wearing no clothes.

"Put my shoes over your crotch!" he shouts "and go and get me help".

She obliges, putting his shoes over her crotch, and flags down the next passing car.

The driver gets out. "Help, help, it's my husband!" shouts the woman, to which the driver says, "Well if he's that far up, he's got no bloody chance!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Profession And Your Libido

A women is getting married for her fourth time around.

On her honeymoon she asks her husband to be gentle because she is still a virgin.

When hears this he asks, 'How can that be you've been married three times before?"

“She answers, "Okay, let me explain. My first husband was a gynecologist, all he wanted to do was look at it.

My second husband was a psychologist, all he wanted to do was talk about it.

My third husband was a gourmet..." :whistle:

[worldangel]

Joke: Farmer Joe And His Mule

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"

''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"

''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''

''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.''

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and

trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.

After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Rejected

These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St.Peter told the first husband, “I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life.

You even married a girl named Sherry.” Dejected, he turned and walked away.

The next married couple stepped up, and St.Peter told the husband, “Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life.

You even married a girl named Penny.” The guy hung his head, turned and walked away.

The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, “Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Beer Goggles

Joe stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him order a shot and a beer.

The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before Joe's curiosity got the best of him.

He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home!"

[clementi]

Joke: Drink Tequila

A man and his wife enter a bar. They sit down at the bar and order a couple drinks. The wife notices another man staring at her.

Her husband then stands up and excuses himself to the bathroom. The man who had been staring at the woman walks over and whispers in her ear.

"I want to lick your nipples, and then I want to squeeze your ass, and finally, I want to fill your pussy up with tequila and drink it out."

Amazed, the woman says nothing. The man walks away. The woman's husband comes back a minute or two later. The woman turns to her husband and says,

"That man over there said he wants to lick my nipples."

Pissed, the man stands up and says, "What else did he say?"

"He also said he wants to squeeze my ass."

"That's it, I'm kicking his ass."

"Wait, he also told me he wants to fill my pussy up with tequila, and drink it all out." After hearing this, the man abruptly sits down.

"What are you doing? Aren't you going to kick his ass?" The woman says to her husband.

He replies with, "What are you crazy?? I'm not fighting a man who can drink that much tequila."

[clementi]

Joke: New Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind,

but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around and around Just because Im a blonde does not mean Im automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year - namely, that in one year,

the windows would pay for themselves.... There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up.

I have not heard anything back.

[clementi]

Joke: Give me a Fence

A man walks into a Pharmacy and says to the beautiful female teller, "Umm... err, Ive never purchased condoms before, and I dont know what size to buy."

"Thats okay. You can test your size on the fence out in back."

So the man walks out back and he sees three holes. Just as he prepares to stick his penis in the first hole, the beautiful teller sneaks over to the other side of the fence.

The man sticks his penis through the first hole where it is gently caressed by the teller.

Then he pulls it it out and sticks it through the second hole where the teller begins to suck his penis and give him a blow job.

Then, finally, he pulls it out and sticks it in the third hole. The teller takes her vagina, wraps it around his penis, and begins to hump it.

She quickly pulls up her pants and scurries back inside where the man is begining to stumble back in.

She starts to giggle and says, "Have you decided on the appropriate size?"

"Screw the condoms Just give me 3 yards of that fence"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dating vs Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.

When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.

When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.

When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.

When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.

When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.

When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.

When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."

When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.

When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."

When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.

When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.

When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.

When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

[worldangel]

Joke: Powder

A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3 a.m. and says, ''Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?''

She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.

His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. ''Where the hell have you been?!?!'' she screaches.

''Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine.

I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.''

''Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!''

She sees his hands are covered with powder and says, ''You liar! You went bowling again!''

[worldangel]

Joke: Moth Inspector

A man walks in his room after work and is suprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed.

After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains.

He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there. 'Who the hell are you?' he yells.

The naked guy replies 'I'm the moth inspector' 'Oh, yeah? What are you doing naked?'

He looks down and exclaims 'Oh my God! I'm too late!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Couple

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song.

Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third.

By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.

A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

[worldangel]

Joke: First Day Out

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long.

Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times.

After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.

"How's the food there?" asks the hooker. "Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Best Neighbour

John and Sam are two neighbors always in competition.

One day John walks over to the fence of Sam's yard and sees Sam's wife watering the garden naked.

The next day he tells Sam about this. So Sam wants revenge.

That night he catches John's wife performing oral sex on John.

The next day Sam comes up to John and says, ''Hey, I saw your wife performing oral sex on you last night.''

''Hah,'' John says, ''I wasn't home last night!''

[worldangel]

Joke: What, No Golden Goose?

A man comes home late one night, drunk.

"Where have you been?" asks his wife.

"In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!"

This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar.

"Do you have golden chairs?"

"Yes."

"Do you have golden glasses?"

"Yes."

"Do you have golden beer?"

"Yes."

"Do you have a golden urinal?"

"Hold on." On the other end, she hears "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone."

[worldangel]

Joke: Daughter in college

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker,

"I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Allen, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Allen,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.

If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Allen

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Allen.