Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Career graph

 

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

 

"Joe," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman.

 

Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

"Thanks," said Joe.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. "Is that all you can say?"
"I suppose not," Joe said. "Thanks, Dad."

Edited June 3, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Hurting knee

 

Old man Joe limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

 

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused and then said, "Mr. Joe, just how old are you?"
"98!" Joe announced proudly.

 

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. . .

Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you. You're practically one hundred years old, and you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

 

The old Joe said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it don't hurt!"

Edited June 3, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Toughest job

 

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

 

The farmer told him to clean the sh*t of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

 

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 300 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

 

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty.

 

The farmer asked the manager, "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered, "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with sh*t, but now you ask me to make decisions."

Edited June 3, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: An unlikely hero

 

 

A cruise ship was wrecked in a storm, and the handful of survivors were washed up on a desert island without food or water. When dawn came, they saw that the ship was washed up on a sandbar just a few hundred feet away.

However, the inlet was crawling with hungry sharks. The strongest young man volunteered to bring back the food. "I'm strong and I'm a good swimmer. I think I can make it."

He dove in and give it his best shot, but the sharks devoured him before he had a chance to get close to the ship.

"I'm a clergyman," another man volunteered. "The Lord will protect His servant." But he too became shark chow.

Finally, a lawyer stepped forward. "I think I can get to the ship," he said.

Sure enough, as soon as he got into the water, a dozen sharks lined up and escorted his to and from the ship. He made the round trip unharmed and brought everyone some food.

"It's a miracle!" several of the passengers shouted.

"Nah, it's no miracle," the lawyer replied. "It's just professional courtesy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dinner party

 

A couple trying to break into society, hosted a dinner party. As the guests were enjoying their dinner salad, the maid called the hostess from the table. The maid informed her that the cat had climbed on the kitchen table and eaten a large portion of the salmon's mid- section.

 

The hostess decided to fill the eaten portion with some canned salmon and other camouflage. As the guests were enjoying the fish, the maid called the hostess into the kitchen and announced while wringing her hands, "Madam, the cat is dead."

 

The hostess and her husband informed the guests and suggested it might be best if everyone went to the hospital and had their stomachs pumped. Returning home, the couple asked the maid where she had put the cat.

 

"It is still out on the road where the car ran over it."

Edited June 3, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Sinking Titanic

 

Titanic was about to sink. People on the ship were shouting, crying, running and praying to God - just then a passenger had the following conversation with the captain.

Passenger: How far is land, from here?

Captain: Two miles...

Passenger: Only two miles, then why these fools are making noise. I have the experience of swimming even more.

Captain: .....????

Passenger: Just tell me in which direction, land is two miles from here?

Captain: Downward...

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding

 

A woman was driving down the highway about 80 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

 

When she looked back again, they were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles.

 

The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room.

 

Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing their waiting for her.

 

Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

Edited June 4, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret of long live

 

Three old men were sitting on a bench in a park, when a reporter approached them.
"I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell us your secret to long life," the reporter asked.

 

The three old men agreed. The first old man was asked his secret to his long life.
"I'm teetotaler, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years."

"Wow, that's really remarkable!" said the reporter. "What's your age?"

"I'm 95," said the man.

 

The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
"I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some."

"And how old are you?" asked the reporter.

"I'm 90," said the old man.

 

Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
"I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day."

 

"Wow!" said the reporter.
"And how old are you?"

"28," replied the man.

Edited June 4, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Management and Staff

 

On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!

Here is your 3 month’s salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies to everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy, Sir!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Strange habits

 

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits. 

"All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?" 

Eventually" said the Doctor, "she will rise and shine!".

[worldangel]

Joke: Man’s Life Full of Tension

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful . CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD!

WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!

Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?

Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What's wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like whenI'm driving".

[worldangel]

Joke: Annoying boy on the bus

 

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' 

 

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' 

 

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!'' The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Edited June 4, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Beggar’s bed

 

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.

 

After a while a dirty old beggar came up to her and said, "Good Morning luv, how about us going for a walk together now?"

 

"How dare you," yelped the woman, "what the hell do you think I am some sort of cheap pickup?"

 

"Well then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"

Edited June 4, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Frog and its future

 

Frog goes to an astrologer to know its future.

Astrologer: You will meet a young girl who wants to know all about you.

 

Frog: Great! When & where?

 

Astrologer: Next Semester in Biology lab...

Edited June 4, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: How old is your father?

 

Teacher : How old is your father?

Student : As old as me.

Teacher : How can that be?

Student : He became father only when I was born.

 

Joke: Test

 

Dad: how many questions were asked in the test?
Son: five questions Dad.

Father: how many of them you couldn't solve?
Son: the 1st three and last two..........

[worldangel]

Joke: Treatment

 

Girl and boy travelling in a train,

Girl: My hand is pain, the boy kisses her hand .

Girl: my neck is pain, boy kisses her neck.

Immediately, an old man next seat asks; "son, do you treat piles?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Principal daughter

 

Boy: Isn't the principal a dummy?

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No!

Girl: I am the principal's daughter.

Boy: And do you know who I am?

Girl: No!

Boy: Thanks God!

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunker

 

Police arrested a drunker at midnight and asked: "Where are you going?"

Man: "I am going to listen the lecture on the ill effects of drinking on health"

Police: "Who will lecture at midnight?"

Man: "My wife"

Joke: Someone killed somebody

 

Once upon a time there was someone, somebody and mad.

Someone n somebody started to fight then somebody died.

Then mad has to call the police and give evidence. Mad pick up the phone and call 10111 then policeman answered the call.

Mad: Hey police someone killed somebody.

Policeman: Are you mad.

Mad: Yes of course how do you know my name.

[worldangel]

Joke: Guarantee of mirror

 

Customer: What's the Guarantee for this mirror.

Shopkeeper: Throw down from 100-foot height, The mirror will not break till 99 ft.

Customer: WOW! That's Great..

[worldangel]

Joke: Nonsense

 

Wife to husband: See that is my first boyfriend at bar, he is drinking since I left him 10 years ago.

Husband: Nonsense! No one can celebrate that long!

Edited June 5, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Dentist

 

A patient was grumbling about the fee. "Two hundred dollar for pulling out a tooth!, she exclaimed.

And it's only a minute work.

"Well, if you wish the dentist said, "I'll take it out slowly.

 

Joke: Father & son

 

Son- Father what is the spelling of inspector?

Father- Why are you asking?

Son- Today my teacher asked me to write down my father's occupation but i did'nt know the spelling of inspector.

Father- So what did you write? 

Son- I wrote WASHERMAN instead.

[worldangel]

Joke: Costly clock

 

Banta came to City. He was walking on a street which had a clock on the tower, when someone asked him if he wanted to buy the clock on the tower.

Banta said, 'Yes'.

'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder', the man said.

The man took the thousand and disappeared.

Having waited for several hours, banta figured he had been taken for a ride.

The next day Banta was again walking along the same street and the same man asked him to buy the clock. 'Give me a thousand rupees and I'll get a ladder'.

Banta put in his condition: 'I will give you a thousand rupees but I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder'.

[worldangel]

Joke:  Bad luck

 

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

 

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

 

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

 

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up, then she just fainted!"

Edited June 5, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Smartest salesmen

 

Three salesmen were bragging who is the best.

The first said, that he is so good he sold a color television to a blind man.

The second bragged he sold a HI-FI stereo system to a deaf man.

The third said he sold a Cuckoo clock to Banta.

The other two said, so what?

The third salesman added, "Along with the Cuckoo clock, I also sold him fifty kgs of bird seeds!!!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hope you can

 

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor and said: Doctor I came on Vacation so that I can get treated.

 

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic

Man: No, I am coming to you.

 

Doctor: But, I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist.

Man: I know, but I want you to treat me.

 

Doctor: I cannot, because you speak like me and think like me which means you are a human, not an animal.

 

Man: I know I am same and I am a human but the problem is I get up in the morning like a horse I go to work like a deer I work all day like a donkey I wag my tail in front of my boss like a dog I play with my children like a monkey I am like a rabbit in front of my wife 

Doctor asked: Do you work in engineering consultancy

Yes

Doctor yelled: Come, nobody will treat you better than me.

Edited June 5, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead horses

 

The Major went out to find that none of his soldiers were there. One finally ran up, sweating heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran five miles, and now I'm here."

 

The Major was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the soldier go. Moments later, more soldiers came up to the Major panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

 

The Major eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
Another soldier jogged up to the Major, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the Major interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the soldier., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Edited June 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The captain

 

Observing a light across the water, the captain had his signalman instruct the other vessel to change her course ten degrees south.

 

The response was prompt, "Change your course ten degrees north."

"I am a captain," he responded testily. "Change your course ten degrees south."

 

The reply, "I'm a seaman first class--change your course north."

The captain was furious, "Change your course now. I'm on a battleship."

 

"Change your course ten degrees north, sir--I'm in a lighthouse!"

Edited June 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Terrible temptation

 

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

 

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

 

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife.

"Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that harmonica."

Edited June 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Sweater

 

Mrs. Button had bought a beautiful sweater for her husband.

She sent it to her husband by parcel post along with a note.

The note said :"The buttons of the sweater are removed since they where too heavy and added to the postage.

You will find them in the right hand pocket of the sweater."

[worldangel]

Joke: Working late night

 

One dark night two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Career graph

 

The boss called one of his employees into the office.

 

"Joe," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four months later, you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?"

 

"Thanks," said Joe.

"Thanks?" the boss replied. a "Is that all you can say?"

 

"I suppose not," Joe said. "Thanks, Dad."

Edited June 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Restricted

 

Officer: Madam, swimming is restricted in this lake.

Lady: Then why did not you told me earlier when I was removing my clothes?

Officer: Well, That is not restricted.

[clementi]

Joke: Disappointed salesman

 

The disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his Middle East assignment. A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. 

So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters. The first poster is a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally exhausted and panting. Second, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place".

"That should have worked", said the friend."

He replied, "Well, I didn't know Arabic, neither did I realize that Arabs read from right to left..."

 

 

 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Delicious gift

 

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

 

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

 

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

 

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

 

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"

Edited June 6, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Doctors are priceless

 

Let me tell you about my doctor. He is very good. If you tell him you want a second opinion, he will go out and come in again. 

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years before he realized she was an oriental.

Another time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months. 

While he was talking to me his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he is invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

Another time a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor, my son just swallowed a roll of film." The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops." 

One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." 
The doctor asked, "When did it start?"
The man replied, "When did what start?" 

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: Don't answer it.

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." 
The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these.? If they don't work, give me a ring."

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later." 

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Prayer

 

A farmer was in town at noon and went into a restaurant for a hamburger and french fries.

When he was served, he quietly bowed his head and gave the Lord thanks for his food.

 

Some rough-looking fellows at the next table saw him and thought they would give him a hard time.

One of them called out, "Hey, Farmer, does everyone do that where you live?"

 

"No, Son," answered the farmer, "the pigs and donkeys don't."

Edited June 6, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Stop that

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night waiting for her date. She wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

As she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, she turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure, madam, which way is it headed?"

Edited June 6, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Free meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

[clementi]

Joke: Drinking problem

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.

The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"

The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?"

The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."

The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"

The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

[clementi]

Joke: Eternally grateful

John is down on his luck in Las Vegas. He has gambled away all his money and has to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happens to be open and he uses the dime in a slot machine and hits the jackpot.

He takes his winnings and goes to the blackjack table and turns his small winnings into a million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, John goes on the lecture circuit, where he tells his incredible story. He tells his audiences that he is eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever finds the man he will share his fortune with him.

After months of speaking, a man in the audience jumps up and says, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

"You aren't the one I'm looking for. I mean the guy who left the door open!"

[clementi]

Joke: Next farmhouse

I'm sure you've all heard about the traveling salesman whose car became disabled in the middle of nowhere.

It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, he finally reached their front door and knocked on it.

A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.

"Why sure

young fella, I can give you a place to bunk." said the hospitable old man. "But I ain't got no daughter for you to sleep with, like you always hear about them in jokes."

"Oh !" said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two he asked, "How far is it to the next farmhouse ?"

[clementi]

Joke: Guy in mental hospital

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director whatis the criteria that defines a patient to be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "after we fill up a bathtub, we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty the bathtub"

Would you use the spoon? The teacup?The bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup."

Noooooo," answered the Director, looking at the visitor with new interest.

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"A normal person would pull the drain plug".

[worldangel]

Joke: Judgement

There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail.

The next day the man went before the judge.

The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"

The man said, "Here and there."

The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"

The man said, "This and that."

The judge then said, "Take him away."

The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?"

The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart attack

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time.

After inquiring about each other's health one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

Joke: “Punctuation"

An English Professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and asked the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote, "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote, "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

The question left is who is rite??

[worldangel]

Joke: An unlikely hero

A cruise ship was wrecked in a storm, and the handful of survivors were washed up on a desert island without food or water. When dawn came, they saw that the ship was washed up on a sandbar just a few hundred feet away.

However, the inlet was crawling with hungry sharks. The strongest young man volunteered to bring back the food. "I'm strong and I'm a good swimmer. I think I can make it."

He dove in and give it his best shot, but the sharks devoured him before he had a chance to get close to the ship.

"I'm a clergyman," another man volunteered. "The Lord will protect His servant." But he too became shark chow.

Finally, a lawyer stepped forward. "I think I can get to the ship," he said.

Sure enough, as soon as he got into the water, a dozen sharks lined up and escorted his to and from the ship. He made the round trip unharmed and brought everyone some food.

"It's a miracle!" several of the passengers shouted.

"Nah, it's no miracle," the lawyer replied. "It's just professional courtesy."

Edited June 7, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: IT guys will never change

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.

"Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this gorgeous blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to my place, we had a couple of drinks, we got into the mood and then she suddenly asked me to make her feel special"

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I then I lifted her and put her on my desk next to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop? What configuration?"

"It's a 1 GB RAM and mobile internet connectivity card and............"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wearing glasses

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested

and asked, "Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?"

"Yes, of course," said the doctor, "why not!" "Oh!

How nice it would be ," said the patient with joy, "I have been illiterate for so long."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad people

A group of mad people was to be shifted for further treatment in a bigger city. One of them was less mentally ill as compared to others but was a big fool.

When this group was boarded on the plane, the guy who was less mentally ill asked the pilot to let him in the cockpit.

The pilot said if you keep the others quite who were making hell lot of noise, he'll let him in.

After a little while there was a pin drop silence. So the pilot asked the guy how did you make them quite.

He said, " I opened the door and said the airport has come".

Joke: Never lie to your wife

This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.

Man: "What was that for?"

Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name

Marylou written on it?"

Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races?

Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house.

Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she

repeats the frying pan swatting.

Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"

Wife: "Your horse called."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Heaven

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of an elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. The Heaven is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. The Heaven is watching the apples.

[worldangel]

Joke: Credit card short story

This girl was shopping at the grocery store the other day and tried to pay for her purchase with her Credit Card.

After swiping itseveral times she told the cashier that she didn't think it wasworking. The cashier told her that he didn't think anyone had ever been able to get their driver's license to work in the machine.