Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Hairs are white

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Free of charge

The boss came early in the morning one day and found his manager kissing his secretary.

He shouted at him, "Is this what I pay you for?"

The manager replied: "No, sir, this I do free of charge."

[worldangel]

Joke: What is the time? :

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time?"

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, and, pulling out a carpenter's level, assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 pm, provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration, and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow?" The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

[worldangel]

Joke: Management & Staff

On walking into the factory, the Managing Director of the company noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing..

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such apersonal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said,

"Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty!

Here is your 3 month’s salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies to everybody in this company".

He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came - "He was the pizza delivery guy , Sir!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Nice one

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "

"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Work or pleasure?

A Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favour of work.

A Captain said it was 50%-50%.

A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."

The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.

[worldangel]

Joke: Royal flight

An obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself was serving a plane's cabin.

He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one of the women hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

The flight attendant responded, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put up the tray, Bitch."

He said, first you add the bed, subtract the clothes, a divide the legs and hope you don't multiply.

Edited June 8, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Did you post for that?

A Man sees a picture of his wife in the nude hanging at an art show, and demands of her, "Did you really pose for that?"

"Don’t be ridiculous," she replies. "Of course not... The artist painted it from memory."

Joke: Make a sentence

One day a teacher told her student's to make a sentence using the math terms add, subtract, divide, multiply.

When time was over she called on a student named Johnny he said this is the process of having sex.

[worldangel]

Joke: Penguins like ice-cream

A penguin is having problems with his car so he drops it off at the workshop and asks the mechanic to check it out while he goes and gets an ice-cream. (Penguins like ice-cream as everyone knows).

It is very difficult to eat an ice-cream with flippers and the penguin gets it all over his face.

Soon after, he returns to the workshop and asks what the problem was with his car. The mechanic says, “It looks like you've just blown a seal." to which the penguin replies, “No, I've just been eating ice-cream."

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby turtle

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Heaven ugliest women

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

[worldangel]

Joke: Poor genie

A woman rubbed a lamp and a genie came out…

Hu.. Hu..ha.. ha.. ha.. em a 'one-wish' genie.. Say me what will it be???

Woman : "see this map? I want these two countries to stop fighting.. So that, we the rest of the world can have a world peace..

Genie : " they have been at a war.. I'm not that good to do it..tell me what else do you wish??"

Woman : "well I'd love a good man.. I think all-in-one..Who love kids, like to cook, often substitute our maid.. n last who doesn't watch TV all the day"

"okay" the genie said with a sigh.....!!!!!

"let me see that map again..."

[worldangel]

Joke: What is intelligence?

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, Intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: This week in hell

This guy is in hell and Satan asked how it was going.

The man replied, "Not so good. I'm in hell."

Satan said, "Well, do you like to smoke?"

"Yeah, I used to smoke all the time when I was alive."

"Well that's all we do on Monday, just sit around and smoke all day. You don't have to worry about dying because you are already dead!"

"So do you like to drink? "Satan asked.

"Yeah, I did that every so often."

"Well that's all we do on Tuesday is drink all day. You want some Sake, Vodka, anything you want we got."

"So do you like drugs?"

"Well I did some drugs in my time."

"Well that's all we do on Wednesday is do drugs all day. You feel like smoking a bowl anything you want we can get you."

"So do you like to gamble?"

"Yeah my wife use to yell at me for it all the time."

"Well that's all we do on Thursday is gamble any game you want we have!"

"So are you gay?"

"Well no!"

"Ooooh, you're going to hate Fridays!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Arizona vacation

On doctor's orders, Johnny had moved to Arizona. Two weeks later, he was dead. His body was shipped back home, where the undertaker prepared it for the services.

Johnny's brother came in to make sure everything was taken care of. "Would you like to see the body?" the undertaker asked.

"I might as well take a look at it before the others get here." The undertaker led him into the next room and opened the top half of the casket. He stood back and proudly displayed his work.

"He looks good," the brother said. "Those two weeks in Arizona were just the thing for him."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ultimate answer

Ultimate answer while changing the job

Interviewer : Why did you leave your last job?

Tinku: Because the company shifted the office and did not tell me where...

[worldangel]

Joke: Married

A man wakes up with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed. He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order. So's the rest of the house. He takes his aspirins and notices a note on the table:

Honey,

Breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping.

I Love you.

He goes to the kitchen. Sure enough, a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper await him. His son is also at the table, eating. The man asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you walked into the door."

Confused, the man asks, "So why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you shouted,

"LADY, GET YOUR DAMNED HANDS OFF OF ME! I'M MARRIED!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Crazy love

A minister visited an asylum for the mentally disturbed and was taken on a tour of the facilities by one of the resident doctors.

Walking down the dismal, echoing corridors, the minister was troubled by the cries and groans of the patients coming from their rooms.

"I hope that I can be of some help and comfort to these poor souls," he told the doctor.

The doctor stopped at a door and they looked through the small window. "This is a sad case," said the doctor.

The patient rocked back and forth on her cot, sobbing and sighing. "Peter," she repeated over and over. "Oh, Peter!"

"She was to marry a man named Peter," said the doctor. "And on their wedding day he ran off with another woman. It broke her heart and she went mad."

They moved on to another door and looked in. Inside the patient was bound in a straightjacket, shrieking insanely, "Peter! Peter!"

"Let me guess," said the minister. "She lost Peter also."

"No," answered the man. "She's the one that got him!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The concept of marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl -- cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

"Now do you understand?" he asked.

"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t use cell phones here

Andrew goes to petrol pump watches a board.. "DON'T USE CELL PHONES HERE"

He picks his phone and calls everyone in his phonebook and says "Don't call me now OK"!

[worldangel]

Joke: Bottles

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says

"Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".

[worldangel]

Joke: Skin grafting

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

His wife's tissue type was a match so she offered to donate some of her own skin.

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[worldangel]

Joke: Airline ticket

As an airline reservation agent, I took a call from a man who wanted to book a flight for two but wasn't happy with the price of $59 per ticket.

"I want the $49 fare I saw advertised," he insisted, saying he would accept a flight at any time. I managed to find two seats on a 6 a.m. flight. "I'll take it," he said, then worried his wife might not like the early hour.

I warned there was a fee of $25 per person if he changed the reservation.

"Oh, that's no problem," he said dismissively. "What's fifty bucks?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dying husband

A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25-year-old fashion model. They had a wonderful honeymoon in Switzerland but, unfortunately, the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised.

When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, "Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."

"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to help you. Please... tell me what I can do?"

"Well," the old man gasped, "you can quit pinching the inlet tube to my oxygen supply for starters."

[worldangel]

Joke: Thirsty

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later..."Da-ad..."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later...Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Real Woman

On a trans-atlantic flight, a plane was passing through a horrible storm. The turbulence is severe, and unfortunately things go from bad to worse when one of the wings were struck by lightning. One woman in particular friggen loses it.

Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she blares. "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has really ever made me feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment, there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own danger and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the back of the plane. "I can make you feel like a real woman," he shouts. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing blond hair and jet blue eyes, and he begins walking slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. Everyone stares in silence.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

IRON THIS

[worldangel]

Joke: Tourist & Guide

Tourist: Is there any ghost in the fort?

Guide: In all my years of working here, I have never seen ever 1 ghost.

Tourist: How long have you been working here?

Guide: 200 years.

[worldangel]

Joke: Tell me age

Teacher: There is a frog, Ship is sinking, potatoes cost Rs 3/kg .Then, what is my age?

STUDENT: 32 yrs.

Teacher: How do you know?

STUDENT: Well,my sister is 16 yrs old and she is half mad.

[worldangel]

Joke: Age

Teacher: How old is ur father.

Sunny: As old as I am.

Teacher: How is it possible?

Sunny: He became father only after I was born.

[worldangel]

Joke: Innocence

A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The beestung me on my finger and it really hurts"

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):

"Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s only 25 cents

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! ' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Miscommunication

Mr. Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs. Verma?"

"Yes...... speaking"

AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"

" Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."

"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"

"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... he will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull,rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

[worldangel]

Joke: Think fast

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sell 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot. Which place are you from?"

John replied, "I'm from Mexico, Sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.

John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."

"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.

John replied, "Which team did she play for?"

Moral - Think fast!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer marriage

I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage.

The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl.

The girl should be strictly a girl.

The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e.)Myself.

Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained.

Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

[worldangel]

Joke: The husband

Marriage

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She went downstairs looking for him. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw tears rolling from his eyes as he sipped his coffee.

"What's the matter with you, my dear? Why are you down here at this time of the night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes, I do," she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us while dating?"

"Yes, I do remember," she replied.

"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes, I do," she said, getting a little teary- eyed herself at his fond recollection.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know... I would have been released today

[worldangel]

Joke: Why men wear earring?

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing

an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

[worldangel]

Joke: The boss

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

.

.

"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

[worldangel]

Joke: This just in

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.

"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy.

"You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

Edited June 11, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Holly roller

A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask Heaven for help.

She begins to pray..."Heaven, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "Heaven, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My Heaven, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of Heaven Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

[worldangel]

Joke: Elite chicken farmer

A women in need to file her taxes visits an accountant for the first time.

“Before we begin I’ll need some information.”

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”

“I’m a whore,” she says.

The accountant balks and says, “No, No, that will not work; too gross. Let’s try to rephrase that.”

The woman says, “O.k., I’m a high-end-call girl.”

“Sorry, that is still too crude. Try again.”

Both think for a minute until the woman says, “How about ‘elite chicken farmer’.”

Socked, the accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a high-end-call girl?”

“Well, I raised over a thousand little peckers last year.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The story of full morals

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, "My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One Day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket On the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump

In the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the Eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all Your eggs in one basket.."

" Very good," said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, " We are farmers too. We had twenty Eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got Ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they're hatched .."

" Very good," said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barney's turn to tell his story: "My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen.... Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got Hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete."

" Go on," said the teacher, intrigued.

"Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to Prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle Of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of Bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten ewith her bare hands."

" Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What did Your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?"

" Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage

A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wife's birthday.

His wife told him, "Tomorrow there'd better be something in the driveway for me that goes zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat."

The next morning the wife found a small package on the driveway. When she opened the package, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for Saturday.

[worldangel]

Joke: Gather all the data first

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door of the first house

of the street. A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living

room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow dung

onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful

vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you want chilli sauce or ketchup with that," asked the lady.

The bewildered salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, & there is no electricity in the house !"

MORAL of the STORY:Gather All Required Information Before Working On Any Project ...!

[worldangel]

Joke: Quick thinking

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of

thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.

"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"

[worldangel]

Joke: Say ..who’s kidding?

Reaching the end of an interview,

the HR person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of one of reputed institute..

"what starting salary were you thinking about?"

The engineer replied "around 100,000 a month..depending on the benefit package"

The interviewer again asked "well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, a furnished flat, full medical and dental, company matching pension fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two year- saaaay it .. "Skoda" ??

The engineer sat up straight and said " wow! Are you kidding?

The interviewer replied "hmm..yeah, but he..he.. you started it.."

[worldangel]

Joke: Why One Should Never Visit a Five Star Hotel...

Question: What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?

Answer: Tea please.

Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?

Answer: Ceylon tea.

Question: How would you like it? Black or white?

Answer: White

Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?

Answer: With milk.

Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk

Answer: With cow milk please.

Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?

Answer: Um, I'll take it black.

Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?

Answer: With sugar.

Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar?

Answer: Cane sugar.

Question: White, brown or yellow sugar?

Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.

Question: Mineral water or still water?

Answer: Mineral water.

Question: Flavored or non-flavored?

Answer: I'll rather die of thirst.

[worldangel]

Joke: Upset wives

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell his wife?"

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen!Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "OK, I'll tell him."

[worldangel]

Joke: What is politics?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night,!he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now. "

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

[worldangel]

Joke: The pirate

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

[worldangel]

Joke: Suspense

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom.

They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.

Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride.

The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something.

So he announced "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life." Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

The whole audience including priest started laughing but not the poor groom.