Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishing

A Husband called home to his wife and said: "Darling, I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.

This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box?

We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up." "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"

(You'll love the answer... )

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box............!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Unusual funeral

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?

" The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife. " What happened to her? " !

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her. "

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin? "

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also. "

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement "Can I borrow the dog? "

The man replied "Join the queue."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,"Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: "ME."

[worldangel]

Joke: Right click

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Software update

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."

Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"

Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde on the run

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are on the run from the law when they find an old barn to hide out in. The police are close on their tails, so when the women find three sacks, they immediately jump into them. About a minute later, a policeman comes into the barn and sees the suspicious-looking sacks. He kicks the first one.

"Meow," says the redhead.

"It must be a cat," thinks the policeman and he kicks the second sack.

"Woof," says the brunette.

"Must be a dog," thinks the policeman and he kicks the third sack.

"Potatoes," says the blonde.

[worldangel]

Joke: MS Word

Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."

Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."

Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."

Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."

Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."

Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."

Customer:: "What?"

Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"

Customer: "No..."

[worldangel]

Joke: A disappointed salesmen

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

Edited June 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: How to tell the sex of the fly?

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad news

Steve, who lived with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed.

His friend immediately wired him with the message, "Your cat died!"

In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told, "Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message 'Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, 'Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died."

After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returns to his hotel and there is a message waiting for him from his friend. He read, "Your mother climbed up on the roof today."

[worldangel]

Joke: Burning smell

A 21-year-old girl saunters into a prestigious car showroom, looks around all the Porsches, Ferrari's and Lamborghini's before deciding on a top-end Red Porsche.

"I'll pay cash!" she says and hands over a bagful of Twenties. The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

Two days later she's back, fuming, "I want my money back...it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes."

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the sales-manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she ain't driving it properly'.

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 50 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph, does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate. 110 mph in 4th, 140 in 5th, the engine's roaring like a Lion with toothache, and the car is shuddering as it climbs to 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat.

In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!), but no, she floors it and the revometer climbs higher. 100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

"So, can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? HONEY, I'M SITTING IN IT!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Age factor

Joe is a lively 75 year old widower. He is also very rich. One day, he turns up at the meeting point to meet some of his friends and he has a gorgeous young redhead on his arm. She has sex appeal in plenty and listens to Joe's every word with great attention. All his friends think she is as sexy a lady as they have seen for years.

When she excuses herself to go to the ladies, Joe's friends rush over to him. "Joe, how did you manage to get such a lovely girlfriend?" they ask.

"Girlfriend?" says Joe looking upset, "what do you mean girlfriend? She is my wife."

They were shocked.

"So how did you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Joe replies.

"Don't tell us that you told she that you were only 50?"

"Of course not," smiles Joe, "I told her I was 90."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bottles

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don't have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have m y children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says: "Stand aside my dear friend; I know you were not involved".

[worldangel]

Joke: Arrested for laughing

A young woman several months pregnant boarded a bus. She noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved

again and then on her third move he burst out laughing.... ........ ....She had him arrested.

When the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She first sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.

I was even more amused when she changed her seat and went to sit under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.

Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Tickets

A man had two great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the best game of World Cup, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else... a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

................

The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at her funeral."

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s only 25 Cents

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! ' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Innocence

A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyers

Lawyers..............

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first

witness to the stand a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her

and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones.do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.

He's lazy, bigotted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt"

[worldangel]

Joke: Play your cards well

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari. He took his faithful pet Dachshund dog along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "I'm in deep trouble now! Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.

"Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund! nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says......................

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

Life consists not in holding good cards, but in playing those you hold well.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pay attention

First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

[worldangel]

Joke: Women & Men

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I would dispute that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

[worldangel]

Joke: Promotion test

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first candidate his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1500, what would you do?"

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging. "

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next Lt., "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, "Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1500!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pub & Restaurant

A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon." Although it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.

The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out a window.

"Could I have some food?" he asks.

The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"

"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"

"No!" she says again.

"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"

"No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.

The down and out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupts impatiently.

"Might I please have a word with George?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychic visit

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother? the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

[worldangel]

Joke: How to be boss?

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss.

The brain explained, "Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss."

The feet suggested, "Since I carry man wherever he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss."

The hands argued, "Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss."

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so mad that he closed up and refused to function.

After a few days, the brain grew feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and were too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes got crossed and couldn't see, and the hands hung useless at the sides. They all conceded and made the asshole boss

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be a boss, just an asshole.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single asshole.

[worldangel]

Joke: Kiss and slap

A young Technician and his General Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young tech are interested in each because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The General manager is setting there thinking: "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young tech sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life at Boeing is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his General manager all at the same time!!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Late to school

Teacher: Ramu, why r u late to scholl today?

Ramu: My mom and dad were fighting at home.

Teacher: how does that made u to come late, stupid!

Ramu: they were fighting with my school shoes Mam, Mom had one shoe and dad had other shoe of mine.

Edited June 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Two horses

Lewis bought two horses and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail off one horse. That worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and Lewis was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested he notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again, Lewis couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was two inches taller than the black one.

[worldangel]

Joke: Professional photographer

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Nickel or Dime

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim's Grocery Store.

The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.

To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel - they say - because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

And Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Morning after honeymoon

The first morning after the honeymoon, the husband got up early, went down to the kitchen, and brought his wife her breakfast in bed. Naturally, she was delighted.

Then he spoke: "Have you noticed just what I have done?"

"Of course, dear. Every single detail!"

"Good. That's how I want my breakfast served every morning."

Edited June 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Angry about girlfriend

The soldier serving in the city was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

[worldangel]

Joke: One little kiss

A little girl walked proudly into a dry goods store to buy material for a dress for her doll.

When she came to the cash register she asked, "What does this cost?"

"For a sweet little girl like you," replied the man (feeling generous)"I'll charge only one little kiss."

"Thanks" replied the tot. "Grandma said whatever it is, to charge it and she'll be by tomorrow to pay for it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Boss

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation. All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent. He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cat

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.

The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?"

"Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.

Frustrated the man said," Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Route 280

As an old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Niagara Falls

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls.

These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.

Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara Falls?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Interview to Millionaire

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "

Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."

Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.

Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"

Millionaire: "A Billionaire"

[worldangel]

Joke: “Beans”

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..

My Father grows beans," said one student.

"My father cooks beans," said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

[worldangel]

Joke: Girl & Boy

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.

[worldangel]

Joke: Misunderstanding

The homeowner was delighted with the way Santa had done all the paintwork on his house.

"You did a great job," he said as he handed Santa his fees. "Also, in order to thank-you, here's an extra 500 bucks to take the wife out to dinner and a movie."

Santa declined, saying, "No, I can't accept that."

"I insist," said the man. "It would make me very happy if you do it."

"Well," said Santa reluctantly, but with appreciation, "If you really don't mind it, I'll do it."

Later that night, the doorbell rang and it was Santa, standing there in clean clothes, holding a bouquet of flowers.

Thinking that Santa had forgotten something he asked, "What's the matter, did you leave something behind?"

"Nope," replied Santa. "I'm just here to take the wife out to dinner and a movie like you asked."

[worldangel]

Joke: A frog calls a physic

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sad Johnny

The first day of school was going good for the new teacher and in an attempt to "break the ice" with the little second graders, she began to ask each student what their fathers did for a living.

"Mary, what does your father do?" asked the teacher.

Mary replied, "My dad is a mailman".

"That's great Mary. Every town needs a mailman to deliver the mail," said the teacher.

"Nancy, what does your father do? asked the teacher again.

"Oh, he is a mechanic", replied Nancy.

"That is really great Nancy we need mechanics like your father to keep our cars running," said the teacher.

Looking in the back of the room she spotted a rather sad looking Johnny. "And, Johnny, what does your daddy do?" asked the teacher.

"W-well, my daddy died last summer", said Johnny in a broken voice.

The teacher really felt bad and wondered how she could get herself out of this one. "Well, I'm ah, really, um, am sorry to hear about your daddy Johnny," stammered the teacher. "What did your daddy do before he died?" she asked.

Johnny calmly replied, "Well, he turned blue, then he sh*t in his pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: Freaking jinx

A man was walking across the road when he had an accident. The impact was on his head, which caused him to be comatose for two days before he finally regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, his wife was there beside him.

He held her hands and said meaningfully: "You have always been by my side. When I was a struggling University student, I failed again and again. And sometimes, even my re-papers as well. You were there beside me, encouraging me to go on trying..."

She squeezed his hands as he continued: "When I went for all the major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there beside me, cutting out more adverts for me to apply...."

He continued: "Then I started work at this little firm and finally got to handle a big contract. I blew it because of one little mistake. And you were there beside me."

"Then I finally got another job after being laid off for some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognised. As such, I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now... And you were still beside me... "

Her eyes brimmed with tears as she listened to her husband: "And now I had an accident and when I woke up, you are here beside me...There's something I'd really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed to hug her husband, sobbing with emotion. He said, "You're a freaking jinx!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde

A beautiful blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread al over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.....", he said with a deep sigh, ............."Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart Chauffer

A successful scientist was on his way to a seminar where he was supposed to give a lecture on his new breakthrough in research. His chauffeur saw his tired look and felt sorry for him.

"Sir, why don't you take the day off today", he said, "I've heard your lecture so many times by now I know it by heart. I can give the lecture and you can just sit back and relax."

The scientist thought this was a great idea, since he was sick and tired of giving the exact same lecture over and over again.

When they arrived at the seminar the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and seated himself in the back of the lecture hall. His trusted chauffeur walked to the podium and gave an excellent lecture showing at least as much confidence as the scientist would.

At the end of the lecture the chauffeur asked, just as his master always does, "Are there any questions?"

One of the professors in the hall stood up and asked a long question about a very complicated and highly theoretical matter. The chauffeur was panicking silently but finally managed to pull himself together.

"That, professor, is a very simple question," he answered, "in fact, it is so simple even my chauffeur can answer it."

[worldangel]

Joke: An idiot friend

Two friends:

- Tonight I am going to organize a group sex session in my apartment. Do you want to come?

- Of course! How many people are coming?

- Three, if you bring your girlfriend.

Edited June 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A policeman

A policeman comes to the office with one black shoe and one white shoe. His boss starts to yell at him:

- You are ruining police reputation, go home and change the shoes.

The policeman goes home, and comes back after a while.

- Boss I have a problem; the other pair of shoes at home is black and white, too

[worldangel]

Joke: Operation theatre

There are three guys waiting outside the operation theatre. The first person is reading a book called 'Lord Jesus'. A nurse comes out and tells the first person 'Your wife has delivered a baby'.

After sometime the nurse comes back and looks at the second person. The second person is reading a book called 'Lav Kush'. The nurse informs him that his wife has delivered two babies.

After some more time the nurse comes back but before she can say anything the third person runs away from there leaving behind the book he was reading - titled 'Ali Baba Choir'

[worldangel]

Joke: A romantic long drive

A guy and his girlfriend were going on a romantic long drive. Suddenly, the guy, who is driving the car pulls up on the side of the highway and starts to take his clothes off.

His girlfriend asks, 'What are you doing? What if someone sees us here?'

The guys tells her, 'If you want we can go under the car and have our fun.' She agrees, but asks, 'What if someone sees us below the car?'

The guy tells her, 'Then we can tell them that we are checking for a leak in the gas tank.'

So under the car they go, and have the time of their life.

Some time later a cop comes and shouts to the couple, 'What the hell do you think you are doing?' So the couple give him the answer saying, 'We are checking for a leak in the gas tank.'

The cop shouts back at them, 'You should have checked your brakes first. You car has rolled down the slope!