Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband to the doctor

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said: 'If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:

1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.

2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.

3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.

4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.

5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.

6. Don't discuss your problems with him.

7. And most importantly, have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim.'

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. 'You're going to die' she replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: One hundred percent

A patient was suffering from a diseases and he was badly in trouble so he went to the doctor and asked:

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"

Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

[worldangel]

Joke:How to see?

Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"

Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pop-menu

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".

Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".

[worldangel]

Joke: RAC Motoring Services

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product give you a clue?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Travel centre

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

[worldangel]

Joke: Directory Enquiries

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

[worldangel]

Joke: Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC

wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

[worldangel]

Joke: The boss

The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.

After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.

The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.

The clerk replies, 'Boss when I went to the lift it said 'during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!

Joke: Talking parrot

Once a man went to a pet shop to buy a talking parrot. He saw a parrot with a red string tied to one of his legs and a blue one to the other. He asks the shopkeeper, 'What are these strings for?'

The shopkeeper replies, 'If you pull the red string, the parrot speaks French and if you pull the blue one he speaks English!'

The man asks,' Wow! And what if I pull both the strings?'

The parrot screams from the cage, 'I'll fall down, stupid!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Crazy frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, 'If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.' He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero'

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, 'If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.' Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, 'What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?'

The man said, 'Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Purchasing a new bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! A Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my foot

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, 'Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?'

'Well, yes, I did once.'

'Well, how did he look?'

'Very angry.'

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, 'Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?'

'He was looking through the window at us.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the dark, stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She got out of bed, cautiously went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She opened the door to the cellar and went down to the steps to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, crying.

She asked him, "What's wrong with you?"

He replied, "Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16? Remember he said I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years."

Baffled, she said, "Yes."

The husband bawled, "I would have been released from prison today."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bride & Groom

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

"Look, I''ll give you $100 if you''ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I''m supposed to promise to ''love, honor and obey'' and ''be faithful to her forever,'' I''d appreciate it if you'’d just leave that out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom'’s hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

[worldangel]

Joke: Difficult question

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"

The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees."

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

[worldangel]

Joke: Afraid of the dark

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

[worldangel]

Joke: IT Professionals love letter:

I saw you yesterday while surfing on the local train platform and realized that you are the only site I was browsing for. For a long time, I've been lonely, trying to find a bug in my life and you can be a real debugger for me now. My life is just an uncompiled program without you that never produces an executable code and hence is useless.

You not only have a beautiful face, but all your ActiveX controls are attractive as well. Your smile is so delightful that it encourages me and gives me power equal to thousands of mainframes processing power. When you looked at me last evening, I felt all my program modules running smoothly and giving expected results, which I have never experienced before.

With this letter, I just want to convey that, if we linked together, I'll provide you with all the objects and libraries necessary for a human being to live an error free life. Also don't bother about the Firewall, which may be created by our parents as I've strong hacking capabilities by which I'll ultimately break their security passwords and make them accept our marriage.

I anticipate that nobody is already logged into your database so that my connect script would fail. And it's all certain that if this happened to me, I will crash my system beyond recovery. Kindly interpret this letter properly and grant me all privileges of your Inbox.

Only yours,

IT Professional

[worldangel]

Joke: A clever hubby

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!

[worldangel]

Joke: How My Husband Got Injured

Last year when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point.

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone for only a few moments when he came out again. He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Thirsty child

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

"Da-ad..." "What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

"Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"

"Five minutes late

r...

"Daaaa-aaaad..."

"WHAT??!!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."

"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"

"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"

"Do you drink a lot?"

"Not really - I spill most of it!"

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"

"Yes, of course..."

"Great! I never could before!"

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."

"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

[worldangel]

Joke: Broken finger

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.

"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.

"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger”

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't Step On A Duck

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall,long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bringing Home The New Baby

When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child. The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, 'We loved you so much we decided to bring another child into this family'. But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife'."

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mind your language

There were 4 guys John, Franky, Manav and Adam, who found a small bottle. When they rubbed the bottle, a genie appeared. Thankful that they had released him , the genie said, "Next to you all are 4 swimming pools, I will give each of you a wish. When you run towards the pool and jump, you shout what you want the pool of water to become, and then your wish will come true."

John ran towards the pool, jumped and shouted "Wine". The pool immediately changed into a pool of wine.

John was ecstatic.

Next came Franky. He did the same and shouted, "Vodka" and immersed himself into a pool of vodka.

Manav jumped and shouted, "Beer".

The last of them was Adam. He was running towards the pool when suddenly he stepped on a banana peel. He slipped towards the pool and shouted,

"sh*t!!!!!!!........."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sir, yes Sir

It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Country politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

[worldangel]

Joke: Date on the riverbank

Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together. They made a decision, one day to make it "yesterday once more". They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.

The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning, dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise, waited there for his sweetheart to come. But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.

Grandpa went home in such anger. He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow. He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned: "Why didn't you come to our date?"

Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly: "Mom didn't allow me to go..." : ) ......

[worldangel]

Joke: Counting

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said, "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three?"

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?"

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a fine job. What comes after ten?"

"A jack."

[worldangel]

Joke: A teacher at court

A school teacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class. The judge looked at her sternly and said:

"So you're a school teacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign. 'FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Not the communicative guy

A guy picked this girl up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn’t say a thing.

“You are not the communicative type, are you? She said as they were undressing.

“Nah,” he said and pulled out his old fella. “I do all my talking with this.”

“Damn,” said the girl as she leaned forward to look. “You don’t have much to say, do you?

[worldangel]

Joke: Age test

A retired gentleman went to apply for social security.

After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrives at the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his identification to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he has left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he seemed to have left his wallet at home.

"Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says "unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says "that silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me” as she processes his social security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about this experience at social security office.

She says "you should have dropped your pants. you might have qualified for disability too."

Edited June 20, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Go measure

The man enters a drugstore:

"Give me a pack of condoms."

"What size?"

"I do not know..."

"Well, take this board with holes; go to the toilet and measure."

In 10 minutes the man comes back:

"I have changed my mind I don't need the condoms. How much is this board?"

[worldangel]

Joke: What they called?

 

Teacher: What r the people of Turkey called?

Student: I don't know.

Teacher: They are called Turks, now What r the people of Germany called?

Student: They are called Germs.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Enquiry about pregnant wife

 

A Husband makes a Call to Hospital to enquire about his pregnant wife. 
But accidently the call went to a cricket stadium. 

He asked what is the condition. 
He died after what he heard. 

Guess What would be the reply .... 
It is ... 
7 are already out. 
3 More will be out hopefully by lunch. 
and ................................. 
The first one was a DUCK. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Look at that dexterity

 

Two drunks were sitting on the curb late at night discussing the world events when an old mangy dog sat down right in front of them and started to lick its private area.

The one drunk said "look at that, now that’s dexerity, wish I could do that."

The other drunk looked at him and said "well you better get to know him first".

[worldangel]

Joke: Chapped lips

 

Two farmers walking through a field. One stoops down and dips his fingers in some cow dung and rubs it across his lips.

The second farmer asks him why he did such a disgusting thing.

The first one replies, ’I have chapped lips!’

The second one asks him, ’Does it make them better?'

He replies, 'No! But it stops you licking them!'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No come work today

 

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I sick, headache, stomach ache, legs hurt, I no come work."

The boss says, "You know something Hung Chow I really need you today."

When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.

That makes everything better and I go to work. Try that.

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.

"I do what you say, I feel great. I be work soon.....you got nice house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart business

 

 

The shopkeeper was disturbed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read Best Deals.

 

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading Lowest Prices.

 

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop; it read... Main Entrance.

Edited June 21, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s not so bad

 

 

A masked gunman walks into a sperm bank. He points the gun at the woman behind the counter and tells her to drink the sample in front of her. 

The woman, confused, says "What?" 

The man puts the gun to her head and says "I said drink that sample or I’ll kill you!" so she does. 

Just then he takes off his mask and says "See honey, it’s not so bad."

[worldangel]

Joke: I had it all

 

 

A man was complaining to a friend,

“I had it all…

Money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman … then, poof! It was all gone!”

“What happened?” asked his friend.

“My wife found out ….”

[worldangel]

Joke: Only 2 bucks

 

Q: What did the Doe say when she came out behind the brush?

A: That's the last time I do that for two Bucks!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Mom for sale

 

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.

He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'

His father replied, because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the milkman wants to buy Mom.’

[worldangel]

Joke: New York parking

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer.

He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, 'We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled.

While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire.

What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?'

The business man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t stop now

 

A man and his wife are in bed.

She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder.

“Oh, that feels good.” She says.

His hand moves to her breast. “Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.” She says.

His hand moves to her leg. “Oh, honey, don’t stop.” She says.

But he stops.

Why did you stop? She asks.

“I found the remote.” He said

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot new secretary

 

The boss at a real estate got a hot new secretary, and he decided to put some moves on her.

But within a few weeks, he was unhappy at the way she was acting – not caring, coming to work late, and so on.

Finally, he pulled her aside, and had a little talk with her.

“Listen, baby,” he said. “We may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”

The secretary replied, “My lawyer!”

[worldangel]

Joke: What size?

 

 

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don’t know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."

He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"

The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.

Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"

The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?"

The kid embarrassedly says, "I’ve never done this before. I don’t know what size."

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.

She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Insulting parrot

 

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ''Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" The lady was furious and continued on her way.

On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said "Hey, lady! You're really ugly!" She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. "Hey, lady!" it said.

"Yes?"

"You know."

Edited June 22, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Railroad engineer

 

Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late. 

The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory loss

 

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting at that park every sunny day for over 12 years... chatting, and enjoying each other's friendship. 

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don''t be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. . .What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't." 

The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"