Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Factory workers

 

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

e man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

[worldangel]

Joke: A software engineer

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish." 

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. 

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. 

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. 

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Truth Always Prevails

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it, son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree at the time."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Four men and their dogs

 

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were. 
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff." 

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." 

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." 

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" 

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." 

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

[worldangel]

Joke: Woman’s revenge

 

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" 

He calmly told them, "I bought it today." 

"With what money?" demanded his parents.

We know what a Porsche costs.." 

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." 

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked. 

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." 

"Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." 

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. 

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday present

 

The little girl was so proud of her birthday presents, her first watch and her first perfume. She really made a pest of herself throughout the morning, going up to all the relatives and sticking that watch in their ear and insisting that they smell her perfume.

The preacher was coming for lunch, but before his arrival, the girl's mother had said, "If you mention that watch or that perfume just once more, I'm going to send you to your room for the rest of the day."

The meal went rather well, and the little girl held her tongue until just when the desert was being served. She wanted to make sure that the preacher, too, knew about her new watch and her perfume:

"If you hear anything or smell anything ... it's me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Credit card theft

 

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

[worldangel]

Joke: Off to the races

 

A man is watching TV suddenly his wife comes up behind him and slaps him on the head.

Startled he asks; “What was that for”.

She replies: I found this piece of paper in your shirt pocket with this Judy name on it.

The husband explains he went to the racetrack and the favorite horse was “Judy” so he wrote it down.

The wife apologizes. A couple of days later the wife comes behind her husband and hits him with a shovel

Again he asks: “What was that for?"

The wife replies: “Your horse just called and asked for you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Why are you an idiot?

 

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic lecturer.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" he enquired with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself

[worldangel]

Joke: Football heroism

 

Two boys were playing football in Golden Gate Park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar & twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was walking by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy!

"Forty Niners' fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Niners' fan," the boy replied.

"Oakland Raiders' fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.

"I'm not a Raiders' fan either," the boy said.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys' fan."

The reporter turns to a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Final examination

 

Santa reported for his university final examination, which consists of "Yes/No" type questions. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing it, marking the answer sheet Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour he is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, he is seen desperately flipping the coin, muttering and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches his and asks what is going on.

Santa replies, "I'm rechecking my answers and I don't think I did very good."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor, please!

 

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade."
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yea, I shaved with the electric razor." 

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!" 
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!" 

"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!" 

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!" 

The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you." 
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

[worldangel]

Joke: How man think

 

You'd think that since men have two heads, they'd obviously be smarter than women!

Not true since they do most of their thinking with the smaller one!

[worldangel]

Joke: Carry-on baggage

 

As migration approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane.

When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed that they were carrying two raccoons. "Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?" she asked.

"No, thanks," replied the vultures. "They're carrion."

[worldangel]

Joke: I can’t do it

 

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They taker her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!" 

In the morning, the second hobbit askes the first, "How did it go?" The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn’t do it." 

The second hobbit shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?" 

"No. I couldn’t get on the bed!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At dentist clinic

 

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry,"

The woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."

The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"

The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

[worldangel]

Joke: TIC for TAC

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed.

 

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

 

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Just a joke

 

This is crime story. Five friends lived in a room, Namely MAD, BRAIN, FOOL, NOBODY, SOMEBODY.
One day SOMEBODY killed NOBODY. At that time BRAIN was in bathroom, MAD called police.

MAD: Is it police station??? 
Police: Yes, what is the matter??

MAD: SOMEBODY killed NOBODY.
Police: Are you mad?
MAD: Yes, I"m MAD.

Police: Don't you have BRAIN.
MAD: BRAIN is in bathroom....

Police: you FOOL...
MAD: No, FOOL is reading this joke... 

[worldangel]

Joke: Footprints

 

One day a man having conversation with god when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints.

 

He asked the Heaven "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??" To which the Heaven answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you"


Another day I was having a similar conversation with my Project Manager (PM) when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time. I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints.

 

I asked my PM, "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??" to which my PM answered, "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you... you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times I was "sitting on your head!!!"

Edited June 24, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Mathematician love letter

 

My Dear Love,

Yesterday, I was passing by your rectangular house in trigonometric lane.
There I saw you with your cute circular face, conical nose and spherical eyes, standing in your triangular garden.

 

Before seeing you my heart was a null set, but when a vector of magnitude (likeness) from your eyes at a deviation of theta radians made a tangent to my heart, it differentiated.

 

My love for you is a quadratic equation with real roots, which only you can solve by making good binary relation with me. The cosine of my love for you extends to infinity.

I promise that I should not resolve you into partial functions but if I do so, you can integrate me.

[worldangel]

Joke: Eternal optimist

 

Three friends had a good friend named Joe and he was, naturally, an eternal optimist. At every bad situation he would always say ''It could have been worse.'' His friends hated that quality about him, so they came up with a story so horrible that not even Joe could come up with a bright side.

So the next day, only two of his friends showed up for a golf date.
Joe asked, ''Where's Gary?''
And one of his friends said, ''Didn't you hear? Yesterday, Gary found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned the gun on himself.''

Joe says, ''Well it could have been worse.''
Both his friends said, ''How in hell could it be worse? Your best friend just killed himself!''
Joe says, ''If it had happened two days ago, I'd be dead now!''

[worldangel]

Joke: Love never dies

 

Two Lovers plan to Suicide.

Boy jumped first;

Girl closed her eyes, and returns back saying
Love is Blind.

The Boy, in mid-air opened his parachute saying
Love never Dies

[worldangel]

Joke: Go ahead Father

 

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" 

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through
Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" 

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." 

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" 

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." 

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" 

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." 

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

[worldangel]

Joke: Four letter word

 

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, 'How was the honeymoon?'

'Oh, mama,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic...'

Suddenly she burst out crying. 'But, mama, as soon as we returned he started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please mama!'

Her mother said, 'Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, mama...words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Four men and their dogs

 

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were. 
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff." 

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." 

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." 

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" 

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." 

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cabbie

 

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. 

The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the young daughter asks her mother, "Mommy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?" 

The mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come by and pick them up on the way home from work." 

The cabby, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ah, C'mon lady! Tell your daughter the truth! For crying out loud...They're hookers!" 

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mommy, do the hooker ladies have any children?" 

The mother replies, "Of course, Dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: School

 

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."

SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."

MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."

SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."

MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."

SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"

;
;
;
;
;
;

MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school

[worldangel]

Joke: Who died the worst death?

 

Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.

First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.

I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."

St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.

Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."

St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.

Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, without clothes, in a refrigerator

[worldangel]

Joke: Cecil & Morris

 

Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?" 

"Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris. 

Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?" 

"No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi. 

Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him. 

"I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." 

Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?" 

To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."

[worldangel]

Joke: Aging pains

 

Little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly "crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis"

[worldangel]

Joke: Runner up

 

There was a dog that lay on its back every night and it snored, and the owners were really bothered by it.

The owner was at the hairdressers and told her about the dog.

The hairdresser suggested to tie a piece of blue ribbon around the dog's balls.

She did so and the dog stopped snoring immediately.

Days later her husband came in drunk got in bed and started snoring, so the lady went to her sewing basket but she couldn't find a blue ribbon, so she went for the red ribbon.

She tied it around the husband's balls and he stopped snoring too.

The next morning, the husband walked into the living room where the dog was lying on the floor with the blue ribbon on.

The man looked down and he realized he had a red ribbon. He said to the dog, "I don't know what happened last night, but you came in first and I got second!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Old age indicator

 

You know you're getting old when instead of buying hair-care products; you're buying suntan lotion.

[worldangel]

Joke: Adding passion

 

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents.

They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home.

The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"

Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes.

Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well.

After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.

It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Handsome prince

 

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

 

The frog said to the princess, " I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

 

One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."

[worldangel]

Joke: Enthusiastic Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.
A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet."

Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this S...!" exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady. The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam?"

"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady**********

MORAL: Gather All resources before working on any project...!! !

[worldangel]

Joke: The mind reader

 

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private area and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.

Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?"

"Yes", the lady replied, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t take it seriously

 

When the DOCTOR says, Take off your clothes. 

When the DENTIST says, Open wide. 

When the HAIRDRESSER says, Do you want it teased or blown? 

When the MILKMAN says, Do you want it in the front or the back? 

When the INTERIOR DECORATOR says, Once it's in, you'll love it. 

When the SHARE BROKER says, It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again. 

When the BANKER says, If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest. 

When the HUNTER says, Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots. 

When the TELEPHONE GUY says, Would you like it On the table or against the wall?

[worldangel]

Joke: Sleeping Katie

 

Joey and Katie are sitting in school.

Katie is sleeping and the teacher asks her a question.

"Katie, who created Heaven and Earth?" Joey sees Katie sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Heaven the almighty! !" Exclaimed Katie.

"Correct." Says the teacher.

So the next day the same incident occurs and the same question comes up "Who created Heaven and Earth?" Katie (Again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil "Heaven the almighty almighty!" she exclaims.

"Correct again." Says the teacher.

So the next day, for a 3rd time, The teacher asks Katie "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Katie (again sleeping) is poked by Joey's pencil again, and screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I am going to crack it in half!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Reason Why I Fired My Secretary

Two weeks ago was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday, and would probably have a present for me.

She didn't even say Good Morning.
I thought, Well, that's wives for you. Maybe the children will remember.

The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and disappointed
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, Good morning boss, Happy Birthday.
So I felt a little better; someone had remembered.

I worked until noon. Then Janet knocked on my door and said, You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me. I said yes, that's the best thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.

On the way back to the office, she said, You know, it's such a beautiful day.
We don't need to go back to the office, do we??
I said, No, I guess not. She said, Let's go to my apartment.
After arriving at her apartment she said, Boss, if you don't mind,
I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.

Sure, I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends.


All were singing Happy Birthday and THERE ON THE COUCH I SAT...................n*ked

[worldangel]

Joke: Camoflauge clothing

 

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

Edited June 26, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Weighing

 

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. 

Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help." 

"Sure it will." he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

[worldangel]

Joke: Let’s talk

 

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hens and their eggs

 

Two hens met after a long absence and one said, "How are you Mrs. Leghorn? I trust your eggs are doing well."

"Quite well, thank you, Mrs. Rhode Island Red. They are selling for sixty-five cents a dozen."
"Indeed?" said Mrs. Red, with more than a little complacency. 

"Mine sell at seventy cents a dozen."
"Is that so? Why is that, I wonder."
"I presume it is because mine are larger."

Mrs. Leghorn shrugged with elaborate unconcern. "Good luck to you, then. As for me, I have no intention of tearing up my gut for a lousy five cents extra a dozen."

[worldangel]

Joke: Caught speeding

 

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[worldangel]

Joke: Women are smarter than men

 

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men, and one was a woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

 

No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a very touching speech about how she would give up her life to save the others because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

And all of the men started clapping....

[worldangel]

Joke: Miser's Final Wish

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a religious man, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, " said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

[worldangel]

Joke: Love to be six

 

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 

"I'd love to be six again," she replied. 

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -everything there was! 

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. 

Then it was off to a movie - a nice Pipi Longstocking remake, and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. 

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" 

She half opened one eye. "...I meant my dress size."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lipstick

 

In a certain private school in Sydney, a number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. After they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done .

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night - ( you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror ..

[worldangel]

Joke: Hiccups

 

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. 

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. 

"What the hell did you do that for!" the man screams. 

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" 

The man says, "No I don't, you idiot... But my wife out in the car still does."

[worldangel]

Joke: The driver’s license

 

A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.

"It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do! you weigh?"

"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce."

"Oh really?" the mother asks.

"Why?"

"Because you got an F in sex."