Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Choice is yours

 

A man was waiting in the doctor's office. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.

 

The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00."

 

The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?"
The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."

Edited June 26, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Shopping for a Husband

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

[worldangel]

Joke: Samsung Electronics

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking 
about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that 
I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone 
Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" 

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
 

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: Pop-up menu

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until 
this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'". 

[worldangel]

Joke: Brain Tumor

Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor. 

Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy) 

Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you? 

Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb? 

Doctor: Then why are you so happy? 

Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain! 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mr. Bean while in grade school

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4? 

Mr. Bean: 9 

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5? 

Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, 
the answer is 6!! 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: While in a drug store 

Mr. Bean: I'd like some vitamins for my grandson. 

Clerk: Sir, vitamin A, B or C? 

Mr. Bean: Any will do, my grandson doesn't know the alphabet yet!! 


 

[worldangel]

Joke: At an ATM Machine

Friend: What are you looking at? 

Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee. 

Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it? 

Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)! 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage

Friend: How many women do you believe must a man marry? 

Mr. Bean: 16

Friend: Why? 

Mr. Bean: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 
4worse. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chatting with his friend

Friend: How was the tape you borrowed from me, is it Ok? 

Mr. Bean: What do you mean ok, I thought it's a horror film. I didn't 
see any picture. 

Friend: What tape did you took anyway? 

Mr. Bean: Head Cleaner. 
 

Edited June 27, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Death of his mother 

Mr. Bean:(crying) the doctor called, Mom's dead. 

Friend: condolence, my friend. 

(After 2 minutes) Mr. Bean cries even louder 

Friend: what now? 

Mr. Bean: my sister just called, her mom died too! 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mr. Bean attaending a meeting 

Colleague: Sorry I'm late. I got stuck in an elevator for 4 hrs because 
of a power failure. 

Mr. Bean: That's alright, me too...I got stuck on the escalator for 3hrs. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Spelling lesson

Mr. Bean's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful....is it one c 
or two c? 

Mr. Bean: Make it three c to be sure

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot bath?

 

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath. Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

 

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

 

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub. Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

 

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax... Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

Edited June 27, 2015 by worldangel

[clementi]

Joke: Losing weight

 

 

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

 

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours." He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there.

 

And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. He's back on the street and starts to think. "Goodness, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."

 

 

So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager. Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign. "If I catch you, you're mine."

Edited June 27, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: How communication twist in a company

 

 

Engineer to Team Leader: 

"We can't do this proposed project. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this system. And above that, no body in our company knows the formulation in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects." 


Team Leader to Project Manager : 

"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff who has experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature." 


Project Manager to General Manager : 

"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it." 


General Manager to Vice President : 

"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project,but with caution." 


Vice President to CEO : 

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodelling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances." 


CEO to Client : 

"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Great answer to wife

 

 

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." 

he husband says, "What?"

The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her Christmas shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, okay if you like it then let's get it. You deserve the best for Christmas."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while." 

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

[clementi]

Joke: Bless my family

 

 

One day a father is walking down the hallway of his house and overhears his daughter praying. She says, "Heaven, please bless my entire family, but most important, please bless my grandfather."

Three weeks later her grandfather dies.

The father walking down the hall at the same time a day later and over hears his daughter praying again. She says, "Lord, please bless my entire family, but most important, bless my grandmother."

Three weeks later her grandmother dies.

The next night the dad overhears his daughter praying again. She says, "Lord, please bless my entire family, but most important, bless my father."

So for the next three weeks the father is extremely cautious about everything he does. He drives slow, walks slow, and even makes unnecessary doctor's appointments.

He comes home on the last day of the three-week period and finds his daughter in the living room.

He asks, "How was your day at school?" "Oh, fine, “She replies. "Anything interesting happen today? “

"He says "Yeah, the mailman died."

[clementi]

Joke: 10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations. 

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends... 

Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?

Answer:-Don’t you know, I sell black tickets over here.. 

 

[clementi]

2. Joke: In the bus

 

In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet... 

Stupid Question:-Sorry, did that hurt?

Answer:-No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again. 

 

[clementi]

3. Joke: At funeral

 

 

At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask... 
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why? Would it rather have been you? 

Edited June 27, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

4. Joke: At restaurant

 

At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter a stupid Question:-
Is !the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??

Answer:-No, it’s terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it. 
 

Edited June 27, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

5. Joke: At gathering

 

At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years... 
Stupid Question:- Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.

Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself. 
 

[clementi]

6. Joke: Wedding announcement

 

When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask... 
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?

Answer:- No, he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money. 
 

Edited June 27, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

7. Joke: Midnight phone call

 

When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call... 

Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping?

 

Answer:- No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron. 
 

Edited June 27, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

8.  Joke: Hair cut

 

When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair... 

Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, it’s autumn and I'm shedding...... 
 

Edited June 27, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

9. Joke: At the Dentist clinic

 

At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth... 

Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- No it won’t. It will just bleed. 
 

Edited June 27, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

10. Joke: Smoking

 

 

You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks... 

 

Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: War is war

 

Once at the time of the world war, the soldiers were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 80-year-old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside. "Bring us some food!" they demanded.

The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread."

"War is War, bring us the food!"

So he gives his last morsel of food.

"Bring us some wine!"

"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"

"War is War, bring us the wine!"

So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.

"Now, bring us a woman!"

"But everyone has left the village. The only female here is my 80 year old grandmother!!"

"War is War, bring her to us!"

The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We'll let you off this time.'"

Granny says, "The hell you will, War is War!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnant bride

 

A visitor was strolling along the coastal area one morning. During his walk he came upon a fellow, fishing pole clutched in his hands, sound asleep against the side of a huge coastal rock. Just then the pole began to jerk violently.

"Hey, there!" cried the visitor as he roused the fisherman. "Look out there! You have a bite."

"So I do," yawned the drowsy one glancing out at the water. "If you don't mind, will you pull in the line for me?"

The visitor, somewhat surprised, did as he was requested.

"Now, mister," continued the fisherman, "put some fresh bait on the hook and cast the line out for me."

Again the visitor complied. After doing so he turned to the lazy angler. "You know," he declared, "anyone as lazy as you ought to get married and have a son to do these things for him."

"That's a good idea," beamed the fisherman. "Know where I could find a pregnant woman?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Delicious peanuts

 

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet encounter

 

Frank was barely sitting down when he heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you doing?"

He's not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but he don't know what got into him, so he answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just great!"

And the person in the other stall said, "So, what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At this point, Frank was thinking this was too bizarre, so he said, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point he was just trying to get out as fast as he could, when he heard another question, "Can I come over?"

This question was just too weird for Frank, but he figured he could just be polite and end the conversation. He told the person, "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then he heard the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Scuba diver

 

One day, a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level.

Looking around, he saw a guy at the same depth without any scuba gear on, so, he decided to go down another 20 feet.

He took another look around, and low and behold, there was the same guy.

I can't believe it, thought the scuba diver; I bet he can't go down another 25 feet.... They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.

She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, just bring the cart.

Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?"

"Well, no," she admitted, "But no one at home wants to sleep with me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pathetic joke

 

An ant knocks the door of a house. House owner opens the door. 

"I want a place to stay", said the ant. 

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free of cost", said the owner. 

Ant went inside and occupied that vacant room. 

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the owner "Can you please allow this ant to stay along with me". 


"Oh sure, you can do so without paying any rent" said the owner. 

After some days the ant brought one more ant and requested the owner to allow that ant to stay with it. Owner agreed to it without asking for any rent. This continued i.e ant brings in one more ant and owner agrees for it. 

On one fine day, the ant brought in 10th ant and requested the owner to allow that tenth ant also to stay with it. 

The owner said "Ok, you all can stay here but you need to pay rent". 

Now the question is why did the owner ask for rent when the tenth ant came in? 

Scroll down for the answer 

. 

.. 

. 

Because they are now Tenants (Ten ants)

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Naughty boy

 

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," says the little boy. 

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast. 

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. 

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. 

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or shall I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Miser's Final Wish

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" she had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did, "said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lipstick

 

In a certain private school in the city, a number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. After they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done .

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night - ( you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror ..

[worldangel]

Joke: Hiccups

 

A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he 
can give him something for the hiccups. 

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. 

"What the hell did you do that for!" the man screams. 

"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" 

The man says, "No I don't, you idiot... But my wife out in 
the car still does."

[worldangel]

Joke: Love to be six

 

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 

"I'd love to be six again," she replied. 

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her 
on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -everything there was! 

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they 
went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. 

Then it was off to a movie - a nice Pipi Longstocking remake, and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop and candy. What a fabulous 
adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. 

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" 

She half opened one eye. "...I meant my dress size."

[worldangel]

Joke: Insomnia

 

A man goes to see a doctor and says to him, "I cannot sleep every night because my neighbor upstairs makes so much loud noise. He lets me get no sleep at all." 

The doctor says, "Oh, no problem! It's easy! I'll give you something, and you'll have a good sleep." 

The next day, the man goes to see the doctor again and complains, "I have taken the pills but still cannot sleep."

 

The doctor says, "Oh, my goodness! They were earplugs for your ears!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At police station

 

A woman goes to a police station.

Woman: My husband went to the market yesterday to bring potatoes. He has not returned home yet.

Inspector: Why don't you cook something else then?
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Judge

The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr Jones, do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

Mr. Jones: "I do." "Now what do you say to defend yourself?" "Your Honour, under those limitations... nothing."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shopping for a Husband

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

[worldangel]

Joke: Punctuate it correctly

 

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All of the females in the class wrote: "A woman : without her, man is nothing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Losing weight

 

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in a town sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours." He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think. "Goodness, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..." So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg." "No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign. "If I catch you, you're mine."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Women are smarter than men

 

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men, and one was a woman. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

 

No one could decide who should go, so finally the woman gave a very touching speech about how she would give up her life to save the others because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children and giving in to men.

And all of the men started clapping....

[worldangel]

Joke: A wish

 

Three people from different places were given a challenge. They had to be locked in a house and stay there for continuous 3 years, and before being locked up, they would be given 1 thing according to their wish.

The 1st guy wanted a girl,

the 2nd guy wanted a lot of books, 

and the 3rd guy wanted lots of cigarettes. So they got their stuff, and the stay began. 

After 3 years, the doors were opened. 
The 1st guy's house was full of babies.

The 2nd guy had grown a long beard from reading books.
When the 3rd guy's door was opened, the 3rd guy gave the man who opened the door a kicked the person who had opened the door, and said "where's the lighter dammit?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A wish

 

Three people from different places were given a challenge. They had to be locked in a house and stay there for continuous 3 years, and before being locked up, they would be given 1 thing according to their wish.

The 1st guy wanted a girl,

the 2nd guy wanted a lot of books, 

and the 3rd guy wanted lots of cigarettes. So they got their stuff, and the stay began. 

After 3 years, the doors were opened. 
The 1st guy's house was full of babies.
The 2nd guy had grown a long beard from reading books.

When the 3rd guy's door was opened, the 3rd guy gave the man who opened the door a kicked the person who had opened the door, and said "where's the lighter dammit?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubble bath

 

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving their introduction...

First boy : " My name is john, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub. 
Teacher was confused to listen and said " interesting - well, ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok john. 

Yes next-"

Second boy : " myself peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub".
Teacher now got surprised and said " gooodd.. I like the spirit of supporting a friend . 

ok next - " Third boy : I m smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub".

Teacher : " guys are u joking or what ? please be sincere. 

Ok next - "This continues, and the last boy stands up : I m herry, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub ".

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach u ungrown boyz for long.

Any way, now the girls please - "

First girl : I m july and my hobby is to see birds

Teacher : "good. At last I got something different. Ok next-"

Second : I m ruby and I like to collect perfumes "

Teacher : " now its like educated grown up girls . ok next - u sweet girl-yes u - "

Third Most beautiful girl of the class .........."Mam my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day " !!

[worldangel]

Joke: Naughty boy 1

 

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:

'Daad'

'What?'

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?'

'No. You had your chance. Lights out.'

Five minutes later: 'Daa-aaad'

'WHAT?'

'I'm THIRSTY Can I have a drink of water??'

'I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!'

Five minutes laterâ 'Daaaa-aaaad'

'WHAT??!!' 

'When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?