Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Great answer to wife

 

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." 

he husband says, "What?"

The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her Christmas shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, okay if you like it then let's get it. You deserve the best for Christmas."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while." 

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

[worldangel]

Joke: Naughty Boy 2

 

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," says the little boy. 

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast. 

Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks. 

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk." 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. 

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him, or shall I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Love to be six

 

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. 

"I'd love to be six again," she replied. 

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear -everything there was! 

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. 

Then it was off to a movie - a nice Pipi Longstocking remake, and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop and candy. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. 

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" 

She half opened one eye. "...I meant my dress size."

Edited June 30, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Some rules cannot be followed

 

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

" What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John ," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. 

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling..... ....... My name is John Darling."

" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

[worldangel]

Joke: Lipstick

 

In a certain private school in Sydney, a number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. After they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done .

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night - ( you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. 

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror ..

[worldangel]

Joke: Let bosses speak first

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the a world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

[worldangel]

Joke: Scientist & Frog

 

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped.

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped again, So the scientist cut of another leg. He shouted, JUMP JUMP JUMP . Frog hardly managed and jumped 

The scientist cut off one more leg. He Shouted again, " JUmp JUMP now JUMP " frog was trying to save his life so he start moving 
trying to jump and and ran away he was in pain 

and at last the scientist cut off his last leg. 

"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP now jump PLZ JUMp MOVE MOVe !" after shouting for long 
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf." 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Ferrari vs Dog

 

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 5-6 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel.

He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari.

The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."

The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.

The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"

The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three patients

 

One morning at a doctor surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies

"You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"


The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?" He replied,

"You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."


The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.... .?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

[worldangel]

Joke: 5-star hotel

 

Why One Should Never Visit a Five Star Hotel...

Question: What would you like to have... Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?
Answer: Tea please.

Question: Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?
Answer: Ceylon tea.

Question: How would you like it? Black or white?
Answer: White

Question: Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?
Answer: With milk.

Question: Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk
Answer: With cow milk please.

Question: Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?
Answer: Um, I'll take it black.

Question: Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?
Answer: With sugar.

Question: Beet sugar or cane sugar?
Answer: Cane sugar.

Question: White, brown or yellow sugar?
Answer: Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead.

Question: Mineral water or still water?
Answer: Mineral water.

Question: Flavored or non-flavored?
Answer: I'll rather die of thirst.

[worldangel]

Joke: The fiance

 

A young woman brought her fiancé home to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother told her father to find out about the young man.

The father invited the fiancé to his study for a talk.

"So what are your plans?" the father asked the young man.

"I am a biblical scholar," he replied.

"A Biblical scholar. Hmmm," the father said. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in?"

"I will study," the young man replied, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asked the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replied, "God will provide for us."

"And children?" asked the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replied the fiancé.

The conversation proceeded like this, and each time the father questioned, the young idealist insisted that God would provide.

Later, the mother asked, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answered, "He has no job and no plans, and he thinks I'm God!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What is intelligence?

 

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."

So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, Intelligence'?"

The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"

The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: A disappointed salesman

 

A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.

A friend asked, "Why weren't you successful with the Arabs?"

The salesman explained, "When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...

First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... Totally exhausted and panting. Second poster, the man is drinking our Cola and Third, our man is now totally refreshed. Then these posters were pasted all over the place"

"That should have worked," said the friend.

The salesman replied, " Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realise that Arabs Read from Right to Left..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Accountant joke

 

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor and said: "Doctor I am on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period." 

Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board. 

Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only. 
Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings. 

Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only... 
Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal. 

Man: I know I am a human but litsen to my complaints first: 

Doctor: OK. Tell me. 

Man: I sleep vigilantly like a dog thinking about my work load whole night. 

I get up in the morning like a horse, I go to work running like a deer 
I work all the day like a donkey 
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday. 
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses 
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time. 
I am like a rabbit before my wife 

Doctor: are you an Accountant? 

Man: Yes 

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the begining itself that you are an accountant . Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

[worldangel]

Joke: Poor genie

 

A woman rubbed a lamp and a genie came out…

Hu.. Hu.. ha.. ha.. ha.. em a 'one-wish' genie.. Say me what will it be???

Woman : "see this map? I want these two countries to stop fighting..So that, 
we the rest of the world can have a world peace..

Genie : " they have been at a war.. I'm not that good to do it..tell me what else do you wish??"

Woman : "well I'd love a good man.. I think all-in-one..Who love kids, like to cook, often substitute our maid.. 
n last who doesn't watch TV all the day"

"okay" the genie said with a sigh.....!!!!!

"let me see that map again..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Busload of politicians

 

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. 

The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate. 

He then proceeded to dig a hole to bury the politicians. 

A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. 

The old farmer said he had buried them. 

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?" 

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but I didn't believe them."

[worldangel]

Joke: I am the boss\

 

*The boss* was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. 

The next day, he brought a small sign that 

Read: "*I'm the Boss*!" 

He then taped it to his office door. 

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: 

"*Your wife called, she wants her sign back*!"

[worldangel]

Joke: That’s confidence

 

A hypothetical situation where 20some CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilotless technology: 

It is an unscrewed aircraft. 

Each one of the CEOs then told, privately, that their company's software is running the aircraft's automatic pilot system. 

Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse.... 

'One' alone remains on board, seeming very calm indeed. 

Asked why he is so confident in this first unscrewed flight, he replies : "If it is the same software that runs my company's IT systems, this plane won't even take off." !!!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Nervous dad

 

Dave is told his girlfriend's gone into labour early. "Here's the nurse's direct number," a supervisor tells him. Unfortunately, the number is wrong and Dave gets through to the local cricket club during a game. "How's everything going?" he asks.

"Oh, fine," says a cheery woman. "We've got eight out already."

"Eight?" wails Dave, who's nervous enough about becoming a dad.

"Yep," she says. "And the last one was a duck."

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s too late before you understand it!

 

When his daughter turned to 18, the father is ecstatic to be writing the last alimony cheque to his ex-wife..

He exclaimed "Thank god this torment is over", and asked the daughter to tell him what her mother said when she hears bout 'the last cheque of alimony' she'd ever get from him and "tell me the truth" 

he also said that he even wanted to know "her exact expression" when she tell her bout that 

"Don't worry" said the daughter 

The daughter hands her mum the cheque and return to her dad's house to relay the answer where the old man was waiting anxiously

"So, darling, what was her reaction?" 
The daughter ........."well, she asked me to tell you that..

"You're not my father"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wisdom of age

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Kiss & Slap

 

A Design engineer and his Project Manager were traveling towards Ooty in a train. Just Opposite to their seat, a beautiful girl was sitting along with her grandma. Within some time, Eye-Eye interactions started between our engineer & that girl. After some minutes, train started moving in to a tunnel and it was very dark.

Suddenly, every body heard a kiss sound followed by a sound of slapping. Every body remained silent, when the train came out of the tunnel.

Grandma thought that," The Guy is a rogue; how dare he is? He has kissed my grand daughter! But my Grand daughter is genuine; she immediately slapped that guy."

PM thought that,"I can't believe that this guy has kissed that girl! But it is unfair that she slapped me by mistake"

That girl thought that, "I feel happy, when that guy kissed me, but I feel sorry that my grand ma has slapped him".

Finally, do you know what our clever Design engineer thought? 

"This one minute in my life is wonderful, It hardly comes...because, at a time I have kissed a girl and also I have slapped my PM."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Damn fish

 

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet brush

 

Tom, Tool and Harry were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle.

They bought five tickets each, seeing it was for charity. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize.

Tom won the first prize - a whole year's supply of Gourmet Spaghetti sauce.

Tool was the winner of the second prize - six month's supply of extra-long Gourmet Spaghetti.

And Harry won the sixth prize - a Toilet Brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Harry asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

"Great," said Tom. "I love spaghetti."

"So do I," said di*k. "And how's the toilet brush, Harry?"

"Not so good," Harry said, "I reckon I'll go back to paper..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Group policy

 

Peter walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

"We don't need anyone" they replied.

"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything!"

"Well we have two prospects that No One has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."

He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00. "How in the world did you do that ?" they asked.

"I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!"

"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him. "What's that?" he asked. "Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."

Peter was gone about 6 hours and they were fixing to close when he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand.

He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. George's and this one is Mr. Robert's."

"Thats good" they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"

"Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a teachers convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The latecomer

 

For thirty years, Smith had arrived at work at 9 A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Smith's arrival, it caused a sensation.

All work ceased and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at Ten, Smith showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Age fabrication

 

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won!

He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Infinite wisdom

 

One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled. It was a brilliant lecture.

Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel came down and approached the teacher.

She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge."

Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear the first words from a man with infinite wisdom.

He said, "It would of been wiser to take the money..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Soft drinks

 

Banta had always ordered a beverage by simply saying, "A Coke, please."

However, recently waitresses had been responding, "I'm sorry, we don't have Coke. We have Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Thums Up, Dew, Sprite, Fanta... "

Tired of listening to the long list of soft drinks, Banta decided to make life easier. So one day he simply asked the snack bar clerk at a movie theater for a "Dark, Carbonated beverage."

The young man behind the counter looked up and said, "Sir, would you like a cylindrical plastic sucking device with that?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Weird Hollywood

 

Things to learn from the movies:

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in the ventilation ducts.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

At night, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames or explode.

The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Working ghost

 

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death, we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Edited July 3, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Electric razor

 

An unhappy-looking old man had stood in the long gift return line at the store. Finally he made it to the counter with his package.

The clerk, observing his stubble of day-old beard, spotted here and there by bits of stuck-on toilet paper, asked if he could help him.

The old man brought out the item he wished to exchange, an electric razor. "My son bought me this newfangled shaver," complained the fellow, "and he said it would let me shave in half the time with less cuts than my old straight razor. I tried it this morning, and it took almost a half hour, and it pulled out more hair than it cut! I want a refund!"

The patient clerk took the electric shaver and looked it over, seeing clumps of wiry facial hair sticking out of the screen. "Let's see if we can tell what the problem might be."

After turning it over and trying to switch it on, he removed the base and found that there were no batteries in it.

Asked the clerk, "Did you try some new batteries before taking them out?"

The grizzled old farmer squinted his eyes and rubbed his rough face, then asked, "It needs batteries?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Compassionate leave

 

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India. One man he passed sported an enormous erection.

"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.

A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.

"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.

A few months later, same guy, same problem.

The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"

"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.

"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.

The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife’s headstone

 

Charlie was a very successful marketing director. Sadly, his wife Rita dies. At the cemetery, Joe's friends and family are appalled to see that the headstone reads:

"Here lies Rita, wife of Charlie, MCIM, Post Graduate Diploma in Marketing and Marketing Director of Quality Marketing Services Ltd."

Charlie was standing in front of Rita's grave reading the headstone when he suddenly burst into tears.

His brother says to him, "I'm not at all surprised that you find this distasteful. It's right that you should cry, pulling a cheap stunt like this on our Rita's headstone."

Through his tears, Joe sobs, "You don't understand. They left out the phone number."

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret crush

 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one.

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended DAV Sr Secondary, Chandigarh.

"Yes. Yes, I did," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!", I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, Old, Bald, Wrinkled, Fat A*s, Grey-haired, Decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked: "What did you teach???"

[worldangel]

Joke: Neighbor’s pet

 

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!

"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.

So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.

A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.

"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.

"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.

The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Special breakfast

 

One morning, Lisa and Sadie decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for £3.99.

"That sounds good," said Sadie, "but I don't want the eggs."

"OK," said the waitress, but I will then have to charge you £4.50."

"Why," asked Lisa, "it doesn't make sense.

"Because you will then in effect be ordering a la carte," the waitress replied.

"Do you mean I'll have to pay for not taking the eggs?" Sadie asked.

"Yes," replied the waitress.

"OK then, I'll take the special," says Sadie.

"How do you want your eggs done?" asked the waitress.

"Raw and in the shell," Sadie replied.

At the end of the meal, Sadie took the two eggs home.

[worldangel]

Joke: The lumberjack

 

Smith went to Canada to seek his fortune as a lumberjack. He met a foreman of a logging organization who offered to give him a job.

"Now I hope you realize we expect you to cut down at least 100 trees a day," the foreman told him. Smith didn't see this as a problem, so he went out with the Chainsaw and did his best.

He came back sweating like a pig. "Christ, how many trees did you cut down?" asked the foreman.

"6" he replied.

"What!? You have to do better than that. Get up earlier tomorrow." The foreman said.

So he did. Out he went with the chainsaw and came back that night exhausted.

"How many this time?" asked the foreman.

"12" he said.

The foreman says, "That does it. I'm coming out there with you tomorrow morning."

The next morning, the foreman reaches the first tree and says, "This is how to cut down trees really quickly."

He pulls the rope on the chainsaw and it gives off a loud BRRRRRRUM.

He notices Smith is looking at him frantically. So he asks him what's wrong.

Paddy replies, "What the hell is that noise?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The poor tailor

 

Harry was a poor tailor whose shop was next door a 2 Star Restaurant. Every day for lunch, Harry would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odours emanating from the next door restaurant's kitchen.

One day, the restaurant sent Harry an invoice. Harry went to see the manager to ask why.

The manager replied, "You're enjoying my food, so you should pay for it."

Harry refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story.

They said, "Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food whilst eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it."

The judge then asked Harry, "And what do you have to say about that?"

Harry said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What's the meaning of that?"

Harry replied, "I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

[worldangel]

Joke: Great sales technique

 

A newsboy was standing at the corner with a stack of papers yelling "read it all 50* people swindled 50* people swindled 

A curious man walked over bought a paper and checked the front page. What he saw was the yesterday’s paper the man said "Hey this is an old paper where is the story about the big swindle"

The news boy ignored him and went on calling out . "READ ALL BOUT IT 51* PEOPLE SWINDLE"

[worldangel]

Joke: Physics save life

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student without saying a word. "Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sweet retirement

 

After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'?

'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'

[worldangel]

Joke: All brand new

 

A bitter divorced guy bumped into his ex-wife’s new husband at a cocktail party.

After a few drinks, he strolled conceitedly over to him and sneered: “So, how do you like using secondhand goods?”

“It doesn’t bother me,” said the new husband. “Once you get past the first three inches, it’s all brand new

[worldangel]

Joke: Heaven’s ugliest woman

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby turtle

 

 

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.

Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, "Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Say, who is kidding?

 

Reaching the end of an interview, the HR person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of one of reputed institute.. 

"What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The engineer replied "around 100,000 a month..depending on the benefit package"

The interviewer again asked "well, what would you say to a package of 
five weeks vacation, a furnished flat, full medical nd dental, company matching pension fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two year- saaaay it .. "Skoda" ??

The engineer sat up straight and said " wow! Are you kidding?
The interviewer replied "hmm..yeah, but he..he.. you started it.."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead politicians

 

Busload of politicians was driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, they were ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two bachelors

 

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it - Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s the problem honey?

 

A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens.

When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.

"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"

"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"

"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"

"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"

"So what's wrong?"

"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."

"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.

"No, I slept perfectly well... with my head on the backspace key."

[worldangel]

Joke: Total control

 

A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him. 

He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing the president, the war, corruption, unemployment, etc. 

So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished. 

This didn't have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government. 

Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor. 

Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m. 

He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him: 

"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won't let me sleep." 

The guys continue talking. 

Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills. 

The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep... 

When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found. 

Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn't have been any stops at night). 

The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys. 

Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested. 

The conductor answers that he doesn't have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob's joke about the water and pills.