Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The big red one

 

Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?"

Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want."

So, he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat.

"No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else!" he thought happily.

As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!"

Santa rushed around a corner to hide.

"It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!"

So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off.

"I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought.

So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted, "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"

Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?"

The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you, but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Borrowing the car

 

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. 

They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert.

 

The note reads, 'I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.'

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic.

And, there is a note on the door reading, 'Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?

[worldangel]

Joke: Once upon a time in some MNC

 

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: 
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!" 

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to ?" 
"No" replied the trainee. 

"It's the Managing Director of the company, "you idiot!" 

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT ?" 
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily. 

"Thank Gododness" replied the trainee and put down the phone. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Insomia

 

A man goes to see a doctor and says to him, "I cannot sleep every night because my neighbor upstairs makes so much loud noise. He lets me get no sleep at all." 

The doctor says, "Oh, no problem! It's easy! I'll give you something, and you'll have a good sleep." 

The next day, the man goes to see the doctor again and complains, "I have taken the pills but still cannot sleep."

The doctor says, "Oh, my Goodness! 
They were earplugs for your ears!"

[worldangel]

Joke: WHY men wear ear rings?

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

[worldangel]

Joke: Upset wife

 

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. 

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell his wife?" 

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. 

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." 

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." 

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" 

Rippington says, "OK, I'll tell him."

Edited July 5, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: SexLax

 

Man walks into the pharmacy and asks for some sexlax.

The pharmacist replies, “You mean Ex-lax.”

The man says, “No, I mean Sexlax – I don’t have any trouble going!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The male brain

 

A female brain cell was lost one day, and found itself inside a man’s head.

Looking around, she saw that it was all very dark and empty.

She started to get a little afraid, so she called out nervously, “Is anyone here?” With the only thing coming back to her being was the echo of her own voice; she called a little louder, “Can anyone hear me?”

Still there was no response.

By now the female brain cell was quite frightened and she called out loudly again, “IS THERE ANYONE HERE!”

From far away she heard a little voice reply, “Hello, were all down here…

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost girlfriend

 

A guy walks up to a beautiful girl in a super market says excess me but I lost my girl friend last night would you mind standing here and talking to me for a few minutes?

The girl replies I guess but I don't see how it would help any, The guy goes well you see, every time I meet a beautiful woman with boobs like yours my girl friend appears out of no were.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost hearing aid

 

An old man woke up one morning and discovered that he was having trouble hearing in his one ear.

And so he went to the doctor's office. The doctor then looked into his ear and pulled out a suppository from the old man's ear.

The old man looked at the suppository in the doctor's hand and then said, "Oh, now I know where to look for that hearing aid!"

Edited July 5, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Born a virgin

 

A single woman left specific instructions in her will for her epitaph.

It was to read: “Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin.”

But the stonecutter got lazy, and knowing there were no survivors to complain.

 

The spinster’s tombstone reads: “Return unopened.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking frog

 

A 72 year old who loved to fish was sitting in his boat and heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and but couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cruising for the truth

 

A cagey man wanted to know if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him.

So he decided to send them on the same cruise, and then he would question each one about the other’s behavior.

When his wife returned, he asked her about the trip in general, and casually asked her about the behavior on board.

His wife commented; there was this woman “Sally T….” “She was a real tramp. She slept with nearly every man on the ship,”

A few days later the disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.

His mistress said; you should have been there, there was love every where, specially this woman, “Mrs. Royal, she was a real lady.”

“How so?” the man asked.

“Well she came on board with her husband and never left his side.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby planes

 

A mother and her young curious son were flying Southwest Airlines from Las Vegas to Chicago.

The boy sitting by the window turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”

The mother was caught by surprise and couldn’t think of an answer so she tells her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant the same questions.

The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The little boy said, “Yes.” “Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.”

[worldangel]

Joke:  The boss

 

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.


The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."

The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

..
.
.
.
.


"Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . ."

[worldangel]

Joke: Oh, The irony

 

One day a man was walking in the street. He met another man who asked him what happened to his ears as both were covered with bandages.

He said "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron, and so I burnt my ears".

The man asked, "So what happened to your other ear?" He said, " That same stupid guy called again!

[worldangel]

Joke: Overweight

 

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds."

 

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The blonde nods. "I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

Edited July 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Three tough mice

 

Three mice were sitting in a bar one boring evening and making bets on who was the toughest mouse.

The first mouse said, "I'm that tough, you know that "rat nip", I sniffs it!

The second mouse said "Well that's not so tough "see those mouse traps" I bench press those!

So the third mouse slams his drink on the bar and says "oh yeah, you guys think you are so tough? "See me, I'm going home to F U C K the cat!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Electric chair

 

A married couple, Harry and Esther, are out shopping one morning when Esther says, "Darling, it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She said she would like something electric."

 

Harry replies, "How about a chair?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A grave mistake

 

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man who was without family or friends.

The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the boonies.

This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost. Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions.

I finally found the cemetery about an hour late. The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch. The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place.

I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do. The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorced

 

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

 

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.

 

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An asshole

 

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.

 

The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. It's an asshole!

[worldangel]

Joke: Overweight

 

A blonde is overweight so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day and repeat for two weeks and you'll lose at least five pounds."

 

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. The doctor exclaims, "That's amazing! Did you follow my diet?" The blonde nods. "I thought I was going to drop dead every third day from all the skipping!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy birthday

 

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

 

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

 

 The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.

 

The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

 

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I like your thinking

 

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?"

 

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?"

 

The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Brown

 

Mr. Brown was working in his garden when on the other side of the fence, he heard his neighbor crying. Mr. Brown popped his head over the fence and asked, "What's the matter Mary? What has upset you?"

 

The blonde neighbor replied, "My dog has died and I'm going to bury it here." Mr. Brown said, "You only have one dog, so why have you dug three holes?" She answered, "The first two were too small."

[worldangel]

Joke: Home work

 

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One tricky pooch

 

A wealthy dog goes on a safari one day while chasing butterflies, he notices that a ferocious leopard is heading his way, with little time to react he notices a heap of bones lying on the ground, quickly without wasting time he sits down pretending to chew on them.

As the leopard is about to pounce he exclaims" boy that was one delicious leopard I hope there are some more around" upon hearing this the leopard halts in mid attack and runs for dear life.

Meanwhile a monkey is watching the proceedings and decides to follow the leopard and tell him about how he had been tricked, but the dog sees the monkey going after leopard and waits.

The monkey finally catches up with Leo and spills the beans, upon hearing this the leopard is furious" hop on my back monkey I will fix that good for nothing conniving dog".

As the the pair is nearing the dog, he sits with his back to the approaching predator when they are within earshot the dog exclaims "where the hell is that monkey I sent him off an hour ago and he is still not back."

[worldangel]

Joke: Your mom’s family

 

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

 

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

 

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[worldangel]

Joke: At dining table

 

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

 

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks.

 

“Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?”

 

The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable.

 

After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The doc is out

 

Jones (meeting friend): "Why the broad grin?"

Brown: "I've just come from my dentist's."

Jones: "Is that anything to laugh about?"

Brown: "Yes - he wasn't in and won't be for two days."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Men are like ..

 

Men are like ........ Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ........ Vacations ..... They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like ........ Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ........ Blenders ..... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ........ Chocolate Bars ...... Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ....... Commercials ..... You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ........ Department Stores ...... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

Men are like ........ Government Bonds ...... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like ........ Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ........ Popcorn They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like . Snowstorms ...... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like ........ Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ........ Parking Spots ........ All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The lawyer

 

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

 

The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

 

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: One little weenie?

 

A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"

 

Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks.

 

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Selling fish

 

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam."

 

The religious man buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

 

He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Some rules cannot be followed

 

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

" What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John ," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. 

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling..... ....... My name is John Darling."

" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

[worldangel]

Joke: Actual call centre conversations !

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". 

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".

Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". 

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not this time

 

A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.

The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "Come again?"

The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly propose for marriage

 

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida old age home. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening, there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After some 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective rooms. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes'
or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. When he tried to see her, he found that she had gone to visit her daughter.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that his memory was not as good as it used to be. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost interest

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

 

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong!

 

The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

Edited July 8, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet shop

 

A man goes to a pet shop and buys a talking parrot. He takes the parrot home and tries to teach the parrot how to say a few things, but instead, the parrot just swears at him.

 

After a few hours of trying to teach the bird, the man finally says, "If you don't stop swearing, I'm going to put you in the freezer as punishment." The parrot continues, so finally the man puts the bird in the freezer.

 

About an hour later, the parrot asks the man to please open the door. As the man takes the shivering bird out of the freezer, it says, "I promise to never swear again. Just tell me what that turkey did!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Liquid Viagra

 

Pfizer corp. announced that viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one...

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails" and "highballs."

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: mount & do

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Play time

 

Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," says his mom, "Of course not."

Little Johnny runs back outside, and his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I am a prince

 

Once Upon A Time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond.

The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mother and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, raise my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two reasons

 

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go."

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Once upon time

 

A man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. 
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone: 
"Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!" 

The voice from the other side responded: "You fool, you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to ?" 
"No" replied the trainee. 

"It's the Managing Director of the company, "you idiot!" 

The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you IDIOT ?" 
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily. 

"Thank Goodness!" replied the trainee and put down the phone

[worldangel]

Joke: Scientist & Frog

 

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped.

So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped again

So the scientist cut of another leg. He shouted, JUMP JUMPJUMP . Frog hardly managed and jumped 

The scientist cut off one more leg. He Shouted again, " JUmp JUMP now JUMP " frog was trying to save his life so he start moving trying to jump and and ran away he was in pain and at last the scientist cut off his last leg. 

"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP now jump PLZ JUMp MOVE MOVe !" 
after shouting for long 
.
.
.
.
.
scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ferrari vs Dog

 

A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 5-6 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel.

He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari.

The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car."

The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up."

The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly.

The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?"

The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar. That's his asshole. He's not used to stopping that fast."

[worldangel]

Joke: Let bosses speak first

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and theirmanager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub itand a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat, without a care in the a world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladasand the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I wantthose two back in the office after lunch."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubble bath

 

A new lady teacher, came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with -name, and hobby. She said " Let's start with the boys first. Boys start giving their introduction...

First boy : " My name is john, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub. 
Teacher was confused to listen and said " interesting - well, ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So its ok john. 

Yes next-"

Second boy : " myself peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub".
Teacher now got surprised and said " gooodd.. I like the spirit of supporting a friend . 

ok next - " Third boy : I m smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub".

Teacher : " guys are u joking or what ? please be sincere. 

Ok next - "This continues, and the last boy stands up : I m herry, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bath tub ".

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach u ungrown boyz for long.

Any way, now the girls please - "

First girl : I m july and my hobby is to see birds

Teacher : "good. At last I got something different. Ok next-"

Second : I m ruby and I like to collect perfumes "

Teacher : " now its like educated grown up girls . ok next - u sweet girl-yes u - "

Third Most beautiful girl of the class .........."Mam my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day " !!