Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Early propose for marriage

 

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida old age home.He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for number of years.

Now, one evening, there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After some 'careful consideration,' she answered, "Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective rooms. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not

recall.Not even a faint memory. When he tried to see her, he found that she had gone to visit her daughter.

With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that his memory was not as good as it used to be. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Choice is yours

 

A man was waiting in the doctor's office. The doctor came in and said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.

 

The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have which ever brain you like. The man's brain is $100,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00."

The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a large difference between, the male and the female brain?"

The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."

[worldangel]

Joke: At the pet shop

 

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.  Would you like to see it?" "$50.00?? For a Frog??" asked the woman.

 

The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought his was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd neverhave to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but said for sure he'd try it out that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job.

 

 

About two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.  The husband looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three times a week

 

"After 10 years of marriage, sex with my wife is down to three times a year."

 

"Same here, Pal. As a matter of fact, if mine didn't sleep with her mouth open, I'd have none at all."

[worldangel]

Joke:Mom’s driving

 

One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red.

 

The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!"

 

Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother always drives like this."

 

So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!"

 

The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "I get it! But like I told already, you my mother drives like this all the time!"

 

Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car completely. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?"

 

The driver replied, "That's my mom's car coming over there!"

[clementi]

Joke: Gives to the sick

 

Little Johnny was in church with him mom for Sunday Mass when he suddenly felt nauseous.

"Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!"

 

She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you."

 

So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face.

"Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

 

"I didn't have to go that far, mom.

Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK.''

Edited July 11, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Remain hungry

 

A man was going to a railway line to commit suicide. He was carrying a tiffin box with him.

Another man asked him why?

He replied: If the train gets late, will I remain hungry?

[clementi]

Joke: A glass of water

 

Diner: Could I have a glass of water?

Waiter: To drink?

Diner: No, I want to rinse out a few things
 

[clementi]

Joke: Sports stadium

Two men visited a sports stadium.

First man: Why are all these people running?

Second man: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.

First man: If only the winner gets the cup, why are the other people running?
 

[clementi]

Joke: Directory Enquiries 

 

Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".

 

Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" 

 

Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".

 

Edited July 11, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: RAC Motoring Services 

Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am 
travelling in Australia?"

Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"

[clementi]

Joke: Actual call-centre conversations !

 

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get 
through to enquiries, can you help?". 

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre". 

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".

[clementi]

Joke: Caught speeding

 

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[clementi]

Joke: Right-click

 

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".

Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until 
this point?".

Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'". 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Telephone point

 

Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"

 

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone 

Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?" 

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Restroom woes

 

Leaving the city, a man decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.

He goes into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so he entered into the second stall. He had just sat down when he hear a voice from the other stall.

"Hi there, how is it going?"

He didn't know what to say, so finally he said, "Not bad."

Then the voice says, "So, what are you doing?"

He finds this a bit weird, but said, "Well, I'm going back east."

Then he hear the person, all flustered, say, "Look, I'll call you back; every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking dog

 

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says.

"How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your dad still messing around with that little blonde who lives in Next Street?'

The father says, "Oh, sh*t; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Love & Marriage

 

A woman sees a lawyer about a divorce. 
He asks, any grounds? 
Woman: yeah, about 2 acres. 

Lawyer: Do you have a grudge? 
Woman: No, we have a carport. 
Lawyer: Does your husband beat you up in the morning? 

Woman: No, I get up before him. 
Agitated lawyer: Well, do you or don't you want a divorce ? 
Woman: No, my husband wants it... he claims he can't communicate with me!

[worldangel]

Joke:  Love & Marriage 2

 

A asked B ' What do u think of love marriage?'

B replied ' Well, see. Love marriage is like a span of 24 hours.'
A asked ' How and why do u say that?'

B answered ' See, during the daytime u are fresh and during the night u want to take rest. Similarly, in love marriage, before marriage you want to make love and after marriage you want to love someone else!!!!!!!!!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Special skills

 

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"

"Well, actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I also finished my novel."

"Very impressive," commented the interviewer, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours."

Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, that was during office hours."

[worldangel]

Joke: Serious thought

 

A young guy and girlfriend were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . . perhaps it's about time for a kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, honey."

The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.

"Don't you think it's about time you pay me that first penny?", said the guy.

[worldangel]

Joke: Golden Jubilee

 

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood. They we're celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."

 

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers," and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two security men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

 

She says, "No."
The husband quickly interjects, "She's lying!! She hid it up in the attic."
She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
However, the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. "Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning."

 

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
The security agents immediately look at each other and say, "Let's get out of here!!"

Edited July 12, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A picky customer

 

A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit.

"Give me three dozens of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman.

She does.

"And three dozens of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." She does.

"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner.

"Grapes," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Long speech

 

The local political leader was invited to speak to the inmates of a mental asylum.

The politician had begun his talk and had been going for about ten minutes when a fellow in the back stood up and yelled, "Oh, you don't know what you are talking about!  Besides, you are talking too much. Why don't you shut up and sit down!"

"I will wait a minute until you put that man out," the politician said to the superintendent.

"Put him out?" the superintendent asked.

"Certainly not! That poor man has been here for eight years and that is the first time he has ever said anything that made any sense, sir."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pile of shit

 

A mailman walked down the street and saw Little Johnny playing in a pile of sh*t, had it between his fingers and smeared over his body.

The mailman asked him what he was doing and Johnny looked up and said, "Making a Mailman".

This pissed the mailman off, he went up the street and saw a fireman. He told the fireman what the boy was doing and what a smart A*s the kid was, the fireman said that he would have a talk with the boy.

The fireman walked up to Little Johnny and asked him what was he doing playing in pile of sh*t, Johnny looked up and said, "Making a Fireman."

This pissed the fireman off, he left to tell a cop. The cop said that he would have a talk with the boy. The cop asked Little Johnny, "What are you doing, playing with a pile of sh*t?"

Little Johnny looked up and said nothing.

The cop said, "You told the mailman and the fireman that you were making a fireman and a mailman, why don't you tell me that you are making a cop."

Little Johnny looked up and without a grin said, "I ain't got enough sh*t".

[worldangel]

Joke: Anything?

 

A student comes to the office of a young professor. Before entering, the lovely young lady glances in both directions down the hall, then closes his door behind her and kneels down before him, pleadingly.

"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

"I mean", she whispers, "I would do... Anything!"

He returns her gaze, "Anything?"

"Yes,... anything", she says!

His voice softens, "Anything?"

"Anything", she repeats again.

His voice turns to a whisper, "Would you be willing to ... study?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Roll call

 

It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: "Johnson"
"Here!"
"Joe"
"Here!"
"John"
"Here!"
"Michael"
"Here!"

"Seeback"
No answer.
"Seeback!"
No answer was heard again.
"SEEBACK!!!"

The troops remained totally silent.

At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, turned a bright crimson red, and quickly turned over the list to continue calling the names printed on the other side.

[worldangel]

Joke: The undertaker

 

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

[worldangel]

Joke: Caution!

 

The Colorado State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge, and Keystone area.

They advise people to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. People should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly joke

 

Q: what are the three things that you never do when you get old?

A: 1. You never pass a bathroom

2. You never trust a fart

3. You never waste a hard on

Edited July 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife in labor

 

A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke! The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?”

“No, you moron” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”

Edited July 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: What has ….?

 

What has 132 teeth and holds back a monster?

A: A zipper.

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy birthday

 

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

 

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!

 

Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

 

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One ugly baby
 

One morning a woman and her baby were taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver said, "Wow! That is one ugly baby."

The woman, deeply hurt, just continued onto the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man.

The man asked, "What's wrong, you look mad?"

She replied, "I am." "That bus driver just insulted me."

"You shouldn't take that from him," the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I were you, I would take down his badge number and report him."
"You're right sir, I think I will report him," she said.

The elderly man said, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart attack?

 

A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that aunt Sally was in the house naked. So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty.

 

She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack." She says "I'm going to call 911, while I'm really looking for my sister." She discovers the aunt in the bathroom closet in the nude, and gives her a slap, "How dare you! My husband is having a heart attack and you're running around scaring the kids!"

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s not a life sentence

 

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart.

 

Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

 

Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

 

The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Why are you doing this …?

 

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

 

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Taken!

 

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

A. Because those men already have boyfriends.

[worldangel]

Joke: Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic.

 

This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. 

 

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. 

 

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" 

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."    

 

Edited July 14, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A bar owner locked up his place...

A bar owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. “What time do you open up in the morning?” he heard an obviously inebriated man inquire.

 

The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. “Listen, the owner shouted, “there’s no sense in asking me what time I open because I wouldn’t let a person in your condition in—“

 

“I don’t want to get in,” the caller interjected. “I want to get out.”

 

Edited July 14, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A new manager spends a week at...

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve." 
Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. 

He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook. 

About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds. 

Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I know him

 

A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"

 

She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

 

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Final Exam

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' 

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' 

 

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paint my house

 

 

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman enters. The man can’t stop staring at her. The young woman notices this and walks directly toward him.

 

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is. The young woman replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

 

The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman five $20 bills. He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, "Paint my house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Winning toast

Patrick hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!"

And with that he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
 

She said: "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."
 

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street.

Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"
 

She replied: "Aye, and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hand job?

 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00." Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

 

 

"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

 

The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Premature ejaculation

 

 

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

 

 

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

 

 

The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[worldangel]

Joke: A group of fathers

 

A group of fathers are sitting around talking about their teenage daughters. One dad says, " I think my 16 year old is smoking; I found a empty cigarette pack under her bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh no!"

 

 

Then a second dad says, "That's nothing. I found an empty liquor bottle under my 16 year old's bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh dear!" Then a third dad says, "Mine's worse than both of those combined: I went into my 16 year old daughter's room and found a used condom."

 

 

All the other fathers say in unison, "My Goodness!" The third father replies "Yeah, I didn't know she had a dick!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma’s ideas

 

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims.

 

The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again.

 

The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Soccer team

 

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life.

 

When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?"

 

His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."