Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandparent

 

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight . When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

 

"How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow. " Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow.

 

He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cherry Hill

 

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?"

 

Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?"

 

The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s Bubbles

 

Three people get arrested and are taken into holding for questioning. The officer talks to the first girl, asking, "What's your name?" She says, "Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go.

 

He asks the second girl, "What's your name?" She responds with, "Yo Yo." The officer asks, "What are you in for?" She responds with, "Blowing bubbles." The officer takes her picture and lets her go.

 

He talks to the guy and says, "Let me guess, your name is Yo Yo Yo." The guy replies with, "No, it's Bubbles."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three brothers

 

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies. They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.

 

He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept. The first man said, "I slept like a pig."

 

The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

[worldangel]

Joke: The buddy

 

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."

 

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

 

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walking down a street on...

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack.

The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?"
The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack."
The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?"

The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Confident Genius

A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. 

The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." 

The idiot says, "Okay." 

The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the $5. 

The idiot says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" 

The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5,000. 

The genius says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" 

The idiot hands over $5.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Imagination

 

A gynecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.

 

The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.

 

The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

[worldangel]

Joke: How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her "Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams "Yes!"

The man then asks "What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says "What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says: "We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Superior aircraft

 

A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft.

Of course the fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, manuverability, weaponry, and so forth, while the putting down the Hercules deficiencies in these areas.

After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that you'd only dream about."

Naturally, the fighter jocks challenge him to demonstrate.

"Just watch," comes the quick retort.

And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continuing to fly straight and level..

After several minutes the pilot comes back on the air, saying, "There! How was that?"

Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"

And the Herc pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, got a cup of coffee, then went into the back and took a leak."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: XYZ Airlines

 

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am sorry to inform you that we have lost power to all of our engines and will shortly crash into the ocean".

The passengers were obviously very worried about this situation but were somewhat comforted by the captain's next announcement.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we at XYZ Airlines have prepared for such an emergency and we would now like you to rearrange your seating so that all the non-swimmers are on the left side of the plane and all the swimmers are on the right side of the Plane."

After this announcement all the passengers re-arranged their seating to comply with the captain's request. Two minutes later the captain made a belly landing in the ocean. The captain once again made an announcement:

"Ladies and Gentlemen we have crashed into the ocean. All of the swimmers on the right side of the plane open your emergency exits and quickly swim away from the plane. For all of the non-swimmers on the left side of plane... Thank You For Flying XYZ Airlines."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The first date

 

A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular. On his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest.

A book, with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What Women Want."

So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

"Chapter 1 The First Date."

So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of the bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a while.

When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her.

She answers, "Hello?"

He says, "Hi, Mona? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would want to go see a movie with me tonight?"

She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that."

He gets excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he decided to take it one step further.

He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?"

She replies, "Sure, that would be great too!"

"Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating by then!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Scuba diver

 

One day, a scuba diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level.

Looking around, he saw a guy at the same depth without any scuba gear on, so, he decided to go down another 20 feet.

He took another look around, and low and behold, there was the same guy.

I can't believe it, thought the scuba diver; I bet he can't go down another 25 feet....

So the diver goes down another 25 feet and, again, there is the guy!

Totally amazed, the scuba diver pulls out a chalkboard and writes, "How the heck are you able to go so deep and stay under so long without any equipment?"

The guy grabs the chalkboard and frantically writes: "I'm drowning you moron!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bon voyage

 

The scene is sometime in the old era when cockpits had round dials plus flight engineers and navigators. The crusty old-timer captain is breaking in a brand new navigator.

The captain opens his briefcase, pulls out a .38 and rests it on the glare panel.

He asks the navigator, "Know what this is for?"

"No, sir," replies the newbie.

"I use it on navigators that get us lost," explains the captain, winking at his first officer.

The navigator then opens his briefcase, pulls out a .45 and sets it on his chart table.

"What's THAT for?" queries the surprised captain.

"Well, sir," replies the navigator, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

[worldangel]

Joke: War is war

 

Once at the time of the world war, the soldiers were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 80-year-old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside. "Bring us some food!" they demanded.

The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread."

"War is War, bring us the food!"

So he gives his last morsel of food.

"Bring us some wine!"

"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"

"War is War, bring us the wine!"

So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.

"Now, bring us a woman!"

"But everyone has left the village. The only female here is my 80 year old grandmother!!"

"War is War, bring her to us!"

The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We'll let you off this time.'"

Granny says, "The hell you will, War is War!"

[worldangel]

Joke:  Beethoven symphonies

 

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.

Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.

By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Military training

 

Budget cuts to the Defence force forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever, so when it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?

So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind "stuff", and get into returning fire positions.

The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed.

Yelling, the Sergeant asks, "What the devil do you think you're doing? You're under fire!"

So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.

Now the Sergeant's really annoyed. He yells again, "What the Hell are you doing? You're under imaginary fire, take cover!"

The recruit turns to him and replies, "I'm taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet encounter

 

Frank was barely sitting down when he heard a voice from the other stall saying, "Hi, how are you doing?"

He's not the type to start a conversation in the restroom, but he don't know what got into him, so he answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just great!"

And the person in the other stall said, "So, what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At this point, Frank was thinking this was too bizarre, so he said, "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point he was just trying to get out as fast as he could, when he heard another question, "Can I come over?"

This question was just too weird for Frank, but he figured he could just be polite and end the conversation. He told the person, "No... I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then he heard the person say nervously, "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychic Visit

 

A woman goes to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother. The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering, her voice begins warbling, her hands float up above the table, and she begins moaning.

Eventually, a coherent voice emanates, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"

The customer, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat, responds, "Grandmother? Is that you?"

"Yes granddaughter, it's me."

"It's really, really you, grandmother? the woman repeats.

"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter."

The woman looks puzzled, "You're sure it's you, grandmother?"

"Yes, granddaughter, I'm sure it's me."

The woman pauses a moment, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."

"Anything, my child."

"Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two elderly gentlemen, who had...

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. 

 

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. 
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

 

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." 
The first man asked, "How's that?" 

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"

 

Edited July 15, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer opened the door of hit …..

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

 

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

 

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

 

"Oh my goodness", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

 

Edited July 15, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Overweight man

 

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

 

As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.

 

This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

 

The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old couple

 

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

 

The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?'' The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

[worldangel]

Joke: Good job

 

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

 

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to f*ck your brains out, and suck your t*ts dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

[worldangel]

Joke: Is that you?

 

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

 

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!" The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost.

 

His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: One Monday morning a postman ....

One Monday morning a postman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles. 

 

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the postman comments. 

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. We got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'Who Am I.'" 

 

The postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" 

Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is." 

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." 

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

 

Edited July 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't Step on the Ducks

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"

 

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"

 

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.

 

The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

 

The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" 

She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

Edited July 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: I Want This Done Right

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine. 

"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here and I want to make sure this is done right." 

"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here and press this button." 

The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It grew four inches

 

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red."

 

The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbor comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red. The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Box

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask.

 

So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box. 

 

The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box. 

 

The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.  

 

Edited July 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Praying for a Parking Space

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”

Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Stormy Sea

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." 

"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Last year I replaced several w...

 

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. 

 

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

 

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.

Edited July 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A man and his wife are dining...

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

 

The wife asks, "Do you know her?"

 

"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

 

"My Goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" 

 

Edited July 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Dating

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. 

 

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. 

 

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. 

 

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"  

          

Edited July 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Homework

 

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." 

 

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" 
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum." 

 

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked "Yes," he answered. 

 

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" 

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." 

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" 

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

Edited July 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Shy guy in bar

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200 for a blowjob?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem With Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." 

 

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. 

The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!" 

 

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

Edited July 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man walks into a bar, s...

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?”

 

The old man looks at the bartender through Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving, my best friend, and intensely passionate in bed.” 

 

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?” 

 

The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

 

Edited July 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: At restaurant

 

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?

Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Does it really matter?

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?
Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?

Customer : No, I can't.
Waiter : Then does it really matter?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My soup

 

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: He won’t drink much

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fly in my soup

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My train?

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to city?
Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why you late?

Teacher: Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
The game went into extra time.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Superstition

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! This is no time for superstitions.



 

[worldangel]

Joke: Father’s age

Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.

Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bull & Cow

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the Field"

Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field

Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychiatrist

 

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.