Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Susie

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.

"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis Shoes

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell. 

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!" 

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"  

 

[worldangel]

Joke: For their anniversary, a couple...

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A circus owner walked into a bar .....

 

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. 

After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "Did you light the candle under the pot?"

 

Edited July 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a doctor's office

 

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."

She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."

 

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

 

The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

 

Edited July 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Post Master

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.

Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.




 

[worldangel]

Joke: Undying love

 

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.

Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.



 

[worldangel]

Joke: Funny taste

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.
Waiter: Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Yes and No

 

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

 

 

Edited July 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Customer & Waiter

 

 

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A scotch & soda

 

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery.

The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."

The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honour, I'll have A scotch and soda."


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Menu Card

 

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Watermelons

 

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. 

 

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." 

 

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"   

 

Edited July 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: There is a knock on the pearly...

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears.

 

A moment later there’s another knock. Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.

 

“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. 
“They are trying to resuscitate me.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What do you get?

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?

A: A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot Horseradish

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table. Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.

 

The guest let out a huge gasp. When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Party

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. 

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. 

 

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. 

 

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"            

 

Edited July 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy found a penguin and show

 

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. 
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now." 

Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again. 

The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?" 

 

The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies." 
 

Edited July 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Sell Dil...

A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dil-ldoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibbbra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: In the line of duty

 

 

One night a policewoman pulls over a drunk driver.

She politely asks him to step out of his car. He willingly does so.

She says, "Anything you say can and will be Held against you."

He replies "BREASTS."

He was quickly arrested!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What a deal?

 

 

At a carpet store a very well dress woman bent over and touched a Persian rug and she farted.

When she gets up she notices that there is a salesman standing behind her.

She then asks the salesman, “How much is this rug?”

The salesman replies, “Well, lady… if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna crap when you hear the price.”

Edited July 20, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: I am getting to it

 

 

Victim: "Hey, that wasn't the tooth I wanted pulled."

Dentist: "Calm yourself, I'm coming to it."

[worldangel]

Joke: That’s once

 

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Jamaica.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town.

People would say, "What a peaceful and loving couple".

The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona, and went down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, “That’s once."

We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again. My wife quietly said, "That's twice.

" We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, “That’s once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

[worldangel]

Joke: Really hairy armpits

 

A woman with really hairy armpits got on a crowded bus.

Unable to find a seat, she settled on hanging on to one of the poles.

A drunk man next to her stared for three minutes, then said, “ I love a woman who does aerobics.”

The woman replied angrily, “I don’t do aerobics!”

The drunk man then looked at the woman and said, “then how did you get your leg up so high?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Women are like hurricanes

 

Question: Why are women similar to a tropical hurricane ?

Answer: When they arrive they're wet and warm, when they leave they take your house and car.

[worldangel]

Joke: A heavy drinker

 

Concerned about his heavy drinking, a man went to see a psychiatrist who told him:

“You use alcohol as a crutch.” The man said: “So how come I fall over when I’m drunk?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Joe

 

A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo.

One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don’t understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn’t have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."

"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?” And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"

And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do."

"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"

The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Reduce the problem

 

One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.

The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."

The fire chief takes the mathematician to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spicket, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spicket, turn the water on, and put out the fire."

The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?"

The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire."

The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."

[worldangel]

Joke: Jury fixing

 

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."
 

Edited July 20, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Please keep her

 

 

The phone rings.

"Hello" says the husband.

A voice from the other side answers-

I am the man who kidnapped your wife and I demand you to pay 100,000 dollars if you want her back.

The husband replied- I will pay 200,000 dollars in order that you keep her.

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer monkeys

 

 

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive - $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a consultant."

[worldangel]

Joke: Partner swapping

 

 

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.

He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen. "Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?”

"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!",

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.

With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. "Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.”

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?”

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”

"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Generous lawyer

 

Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said,

"and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said.

"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself

[worldangel]

Joke: Forgiving your enemies

 

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bitches."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding in heaven

 

A young couple was in an automobile accident the night before their wedding, and both were killed. In heaven, they approached St. Peter. "My fiance and I really miss the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?"

St. Peter replied, "I'll tell you what -- after you have gone through an appropriate waiting period, we will talk about it again."

Five years pass and the couple still wanted to get married. They approached St. Peter again, and he told them, "I'm sorry, I know that five years was a long time to wait, but there's a problem. You'll have to wait a little bit longer."

Another five years pass, when St. Peter excitedly approached the couple. "Your wait is over, and you may marry now. Thanks for your patience."

The couple got married.

Unfortunately, soon after the wedding, the couple realized that they were not compatible. Going to see St. Peter, they asked if they were such a thing as divorce in heaven. St. Peter gave them a cold stare, and said sternly, "Look, it took us ten years to find a minister up here. Do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?"

[worldangel]

Joke: First man

 

A young man picks up a young woman in a bar and coaxes her back to his hotel room.

They are relaxing later, he says: 'Am I the first man you ever made love to?'

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying: 'You might be, your face looks familiar!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Contempt of court

 

Having had to take the day off work to appear in court for a minor traffic summons, the man was growing increasingly restless as he waited hour after hour for his case to be heard.

Finally, late in the afternoon, his case was called. He stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned until the next day and he would have to return.

"What!" What for?" he yelled at the judge.

His Honor, equally irritated by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "That will be twenty dollars for contempt of court! That's what for!"

Noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge added, "That's all right. You don't have to pay right now."

The man replied, "Oh, I'm just looking to see if I have enough for two more words!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys in sauna

 

There are three guys in a sauna. All of a sudden there is a beep. so guy number one slaps his hand, and guy number two asks what that was. Guy one says he got his beeper implanted in his hand.

 

He goes off and returns his call. A little while later he comes back and hears a cell phone jingle, and guy number two puts his hand up to his ear and starts talking. Later, guy number three who was not to up to date on this new technology asks what that was about.

 

Guy two said he got his cell phone implanted in his hand, because he kept losing it. Guy number two walks out of the sauna and says he has to get one up on these guys. He returns to the sauna and has three feet of toilet paper hanging out of his butt.

 

At the same time guy one and guy 2 ask what is that, so guy 3 says DON'T BOTHER ME I'M RECIEVING A FAX.

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor demented

 

The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." 

Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." 

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vocabulary

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing. 
Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. 

Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) 

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. 

Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. 
Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. 

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. 
Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. 

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." 

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. 

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. 
Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. 

 

Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 

 

Edited July 21, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting old

 

 

Signs You Are Getting Old:

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you flash their headlights.

You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

You don't know how to operate a fax machine.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

[worldangel]

Joke: Up-to-date

 

An interesting story..... 

Once upon a time, there was a software engineer who used to develop programs on his Pentium machine, sitting under a tree on the banks of a river. He used to earn his bread by selling those programs in the Sunday market. One day, while he was working, his machine tumbled off the table and fell in the river. 

Encouraged by the Panchatantra story of his childhood (the woodcutter and the axe), he started praying to the River Goddess. The River Goddess wanted to test him and so appeared only after one month of rigorous prayers. The engineer told her that he had lost his computer in the river.

As usual, the Goddess wanted to test his honesty. She showed him a 'match box' and asked, "Is this your computer ? "Disappointed by the Goddess' lack of computer awareness, the engineer replied, "No." 

She next showed him a pocket-sized 'calculator' and asked if that was his. Annoyed, the engineer said "No, not at all!!"

Finally, she came up with his own Pentium machine and asked if it was his. The engineer, left with no option, sighed and said "Yes." 

The River Goddess was happy with his honesty. She was about to give him all three items, but before she could make the offer, the engineer asked her, "Don't you know that you're supposed to show me some better computers before bringing up my own ? 

The River Goddess, angered at this, replied, "I know that, you stupid donkey! The first two things I showed you were the Trillennium and the Billennium, the latest computers from IBM!". So saying, she disappeared with the Pentium!!

* * * * * * * * * 
Moral: If you're not up-to-date with technology trends, it's better keep your mouth shut and let people think you're a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt .

[worldangel]

Joke: How to fool policeman

An old lady was pulled over by a policeman for over-speeding. The police man approached the driver's door.
"Is there a problem Officer?" 

He said, "Madame, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?" 
She responded, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." 
"You don't have one?" 
"I lost it four times for drunk driving." 

The policeman was shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?" 
"I'm sorry, I can't do that." 
"Why not?" 
"I stole this car." 

The officer said, "Stole it?" 
She said, "Yes, and I killed the owner." 
At this point the officer got worried. "You what!?" 
"He's in the trunk if you want to see." 

The officer looked at her and slowly backed away to his car and called for back-up. Within minutes, five police cars showed up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approached the car, clasping his half drawn gun..... 
The senior officer asked "Madame, could you step out of your vehicle please!" 

The lady stepped out and said, "Is there a problem, officer?" 
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." 
"Murdered the owner?" 
The officer responded, "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car please?" 

She opened the trunk, revealing nothing. 
The officer said, "Is this your car Madame?" 
She replied, "Yes," and handed over the registration papers to him.
The officer, understandably, was quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence." 
The lady digged in his purse revealing a license-card and handed it to the officer. The officer examined the licence. He looked quite puzzled. 
"Thank you Madame.......one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, stole this car, and murdered the owner." 

The lady replied, "I bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!"

Edited July 21, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Two statues

 

Two statues are in a perk for over thirty years and all day long they just look at each other naked bodies. One day an angel comes down and grants them life for 30 minutes.

 

The two statues look at each other and the woman statue says "should we" the man replies "Yes". They then both run off in to the bushes where there is a lot of giggling going on. The angel gives a cheeky smile as she knows what they are up to. After fifteen minutes the statues return with a cheeky smile on their faces.

 

The angel says to them "You still have fifteen minutes left" So the man says to the woman "want to do it again?" the woman replies "Yes, But this time you hold the birds head while i shit on it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Banta in Paris 

Banta Singh was a business graduate, and had been out of school for several years. 

He had established a furniture store and was doing quite well. 

He decided to expand the lines he carried by adding some expensive French furniture he knew no one else in town carried. 

He scheduled a buying trip to France. 

Bantas first day in Paris was very successful and he found a number of pieces he thought he could profitably sell back home. 

After the arrangements were made to begin shipping this furniture home, he decided to celebrate with a glass of wine in a small sidewalk cafe. 

The place was jammed, but he managed to find an empty table. 

Just about the time his wine arrived, a beautiful girl came by and motioned to the empty chair at his table with a questioning look on her face. 

He assumed she wanted to sit with him and nodded his head "yes." The girl sat down with him. 

The girl tried to talk to him, but, alas, he understood not one word of French. 

He tried to talk to her, but, alas, she understood not one word of Punjabi. 

He had an idea. He took a napkin and drew a wine glass and a question mark. She nodded her head "yes." They sat quietly enjoying their wine. 

When it was just about finished, Banta realized it was nearly time for dinner. He took another napkin and drew a picture of two people at a table eating dinner. 

She nodded her head "yes" and took him by the hand. She led him down the street to a very nice restaurant. They went in. 

The girl spoke with the head waiter and they were seated in a quiet corner where they could hear the band playing and see the dance floor. 

Banta could not read the menu since it was in French, so he allowed the girl to order for him. 

The food was excellent and the couple thoroughly enjoyed it. 

After dinner, Banta took a napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. 

She nodded her head "yes" and they danced to every song the band played, whether fast or slow. 

When the band quit playing and began to pack away their instruments,the couple returned to their table. 

The girl took a napkin and reached for Bantaspen.He handed it to her and she drew a picture of a four poster bed..........!

Banta is still wondering to this day how she knew he was in the furniture business.

[worldangel]

Joke: No drunks allowed

 

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.

"Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.

"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".

The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.

The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".

The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many bars do you work at, anyway?".

[worldangel]

Joke: In a glass

 

At 8 years old....you put milk in your glass

At 18 years old....you put beer in your glass

At 80 years old.... you put your teeth in your glass

[worldangel]

Joke: Run away rat

 

Little Jimmy walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife.

Jimmy's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously 'Whatyadoin dad?'

His father quickly replied, 'I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.'

To which Little Jimmy replied 'Whatyagonna do, screw him?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Stolen car

 

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold water

 

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in.

After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes, so he ask again, "Are you sure these plates are clean"?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, "Cold Water, Go lay down!"