Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: No salary increase

 

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing anything about it.

 

So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation. The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; 

My friend, you have not worked here for even one day. 
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain. 

Manager:- How many days are there in a year? 
Man:- 365 days and some times 366 

Manager:- how many hours make up a day? 
Man:- 24 hours 

Manager:- How long do you work in a day? 
Man:- 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day. 
Manager:- So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours ? 
Man:- (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third) 

Manager:- That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days? 
Man:- 122 (1/3x366 = 122 in days) 

Manager:- Do you come to work on weekends? 
Man:- No sir 

Manager:- How many days are there in a year that are weekends? 
Man:- 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days 

Manager:- Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have? 
Man:- 18 days. 

Manager:- OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining? 
Man:- 4 days 

Manager:- Do you work on New Year day? 
Man:- No sir! 

Manager:- Do you come to work on workers day? 
Man:- No sir! 

Manager:- So how many days are left? 
Man:- 2 days sir! 

Manager:- Do you come to work on the (National holiday )? 
Man:- No sir! 

Manager:- So how many days are left? 
Man:- 1 day sir! 

Manager:- Do you work on Christmas day? 
Man:- No sir! 

Manager:- So how many days are left? 
Man:- None sir! 

Manager:- So, what are you claiming? 
Man:- I have understood, Sir. I did not realize that I was stealing Company money all these days. 

Moral - NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!! 
HR = HIGH RISK

[worldangel]

Joke: Sausages

 

There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.

The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with chicken legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how say it, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

 

(Please scroll the page down)
.

.

.

.

.

What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Essay

 

Jimmy's English teacher was a perfectionist and demanded the very best of his pupils. So it was only to be expected that he would get furious when Little Jimmy handed in a poor paper. 

"This is the worst essay it has ever been my misfortune to read," ranted the teacher. "It has too many mistakes. I can't understand how one person would have made all these mistakes." 

"One person didn't," replied Little Jimmy defensively. "My father helped me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Never mess with children

 

A class teacher of primary one day brought a camera along with her to have some group photos of the children. 

One student asked "Mam why did you brought that camera?" the teacher exclaimed "to have our some group photos, so that, 

And when you people grown up these photos will make you to recall your childhood,and you will show it to your friends or relatives that see this is Martin he is now a Lawyer and this is Rick he is a doctor now and this is Maria and she is a Journalist now", 

Certainly a voice came forward from the back and "this is our class teacher she is dead now."

Edited July 21, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Retirement notice

 

Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. The scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Person Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme ( Scheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel and Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not bee SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management as always pride itself for the amount of SHIT it gives to its staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

[worldangel]

Joke: Burning smell

 

 

A 21-year-old girl saunters into a prestigious car showroom, looks around all the Porsches, Ferrari's and Lamborghini's before deciding on a top-end Red Porsche.

"I'll pay cash!" she says and hands over a bagful of Twenties. The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

Two days later she's back, fuming, "I want my money back...it smells awfully bad when I use the brakes."

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the sales-manager decides to ride in the car with her 'in case she ain't driving it properly'.

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 50 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph, does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate. 110 mph in 4th, 140 in 5th, the engine's roaring like a Lion with toothache, and the car is shuddering as it climbs to 170 mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in the seat.

In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!), but no, she floors it and the revometer climbs higher. 100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

"So, can you smell it?" she says.

"SMELL IT? HONEY, I'M SITTING IN IT!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pub & Restaurant

 

A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the "George and the Dragon." Although it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.

The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out a window.

"Could I have some food?" he asks.

The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"

"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"

"No!" she says again.

"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"

"No!" By this time, she was fairly shouting.

The down and out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman interrupts impatiently.

"Might I please have a word with George?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pretty sick man

 

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.

 

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed and it rings.

 

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"
"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

 

"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."
"Will that cure me???" asked the man.

 

The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."

Edited July 21, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Good son

 

There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what's new in your life?"

The other responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."

The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."

The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."

[worldangel]

Lesbian Joke: I am a real cowboy

 

A woman sits down next to a cowboy in a saloon.

She says, "Are you a REAL cowboy?"

He replies, "Well, Mam, I brand calves, rope steers, mend fence, ride the range...think about cows a lot of the time...yep...I guess I'm a REAL cowboy."

She says, "I'm a lesbian. I think about women all day, all evening, all the time...I think about making love with women."

They sat there sipping their beers. Then, a man walked in and sat on the other side of the cowboy. He said, "Are you a REAL cowboy?"

The cowboy responded, "Well, I THOUGHT I was...but I just found out that I'm really a lesbian."

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 1

 

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! 

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have? 

Female customer: A white one... 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 2

 

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out. 
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button? 

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. 
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. 
Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... 
 

Edited July 22, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 3

 

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! 

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. 

Customer: Your left or my left? 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 4

 

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you? 

Male customer: Hello... I can't print. 

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and... 
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 5

 

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! 

 

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 6

 

Customer: I have problems printing in red... 
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer? 
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 7

 

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! 

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am? 
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 8

 

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. 
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? 
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. 
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. 
Customer:! OK 

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you? 
Customer: Yes 
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? 
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work... 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 9

 

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! 

Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7. 
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 10

Customer: can't get on the Internet. 
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password? 
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. 
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was? 
Customer: Five stars. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 11

 

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! 

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? 
Customer: Netscape. 

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. 
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 13

 

This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! 

Tech support: How may I help you? 
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. 
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? 
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it? 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 14

 

Tech support: "Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." 
Customer: I don't have a P. 
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin. 
Customer: What do you mean? 
Tech support: "P" on your keyboard, Colin. 
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

Edited July 22, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Technical support 15

 

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. 
Tech support: Are you running it under windows? 
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Scary Flight

After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the stewardess announces over the intercom that "we're just waiting for the pilots." 

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. 

The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it's takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway.

 

The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves, at this point believing that they fell for a joke. 

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says "you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it." 

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away". 
Each of the women said "We can't drive". 
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?" 

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Friendship between women

 

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. 

 

The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. 

 

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

 

Edited July 22, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A kindergarten teacher handed...

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.

 

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?" Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor rushed out of his study room

A doctor rushed out of his study room. 
"Get me my bag!" he shouted. 

"Why, what's the matter?" inquired his pretty young wife.

"Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live without me," he gasped as he reached for his hat. 
The young wife sighed. "Just a moment," she said gently, "I think that call was for me."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three questions

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions." replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes."

The lawyer replied, "What was your third question?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Parrot

 

 

A man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop...
"Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend."
"You came to the right place. How about a parrot?"

 

"I don`t know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal."
"It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. Let me show you."

 

The pet shop worker raises the parrot`s right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish.." The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. "Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh..." The match is then removed.

 

The man enthusiastically says, "That`s really neat. Let me hear the third song."
The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrot`s legs. "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.."

Edited July 23, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Fire-engine truck

 

 

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?"

The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says.

"Thanks mister" says the little girl.

The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Alibi

 

 

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?"

She replied, "Your horse called."

[worldangel]

Joke: Just like home

 

 

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[worldangel]

Joke: Late night

 

“I’m beat,” confessed the popular sorority girl to her friend. “Last night I didn’t fall asleep until after three.”

“No wonder you’re tired,” her friend sympathized. “twice is usually all I need.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Have a drink

 

A guy who has already had quite a few beers enters an already very busy bar and says to the bartender, give me a beer, give everyone in the place a beer and have one yourself.

The bartender serves everyone a beer and draws one for himself.

He walks over to the benefactor, toasts him and asks for his money.

The man tells him that he ran out of money a long while back.

The bartender physically ejects him from the bar and deposits him prone on the sidewalk.

The man picks himself up and strolls back into bar.

He crawls on a stool and says to the bartender "give me a beer and give everyone here a beer, but none for you, you get too mean when you drink".

[worldangel]

Joke: Officer Mike

 

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.

 

Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

Edited July 23, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Crazy bus-ride

 

John was on his way to work. He got on his bus and sat down. After a while there is a small bump.

John; "What was that?"

Driver; "It was a cat"

John; "Why did you run it over?"

Driver; "Well it was either that or swerve into the tree at the side of the road and kill us all!"

John; "Oh, fair enough"

A little farthur down the road the bus swerves suddenly and a bigger bump shakes the bus.

John; "What was that!!?"

Driver; "It was a dog"

John; "Why did you run it over?"

Driver "I couldn't help it, I tried to swerve but I hit it by accident"

John; "That's awful but I suppose you did try to swerve"

The bus continued on its journey but later on it swerved again and there was a small bump followed by a large thud.

John; "What is it this time?"

Driver; "I hit an old lady"

John; "Oh my god. Is she alright?

Driver; "No she's lying in a pool of blood by the side of the road."

John; "I can't believe this! Why did this have to happen on my journey."

The driver called for an ambulence and the bus set off again. When John got off the bus, he asked the driver:

"If the big bump was the old lady, what was the small one?"

The driver simply replied "I had to go on the pavement to get her!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Just like home

 

 

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[worldangel]

Joke: Grave

 

MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days.

 

MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Old curse

 

 

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation - "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[worldangel]

Joke: Kind costumer

 

A guy from Glasgow took a vacation to Aberdeen.
While there, he met up with a prostitute. After sex, the prostitute said: "?? 100 pounds."
The guy handed her a ?? 200 bill.

 

The prostitute responded: "You're so kind."
Some days pass, and the guy met up with the same prostitute again and had sex again.
The prostitute asked for ?? 100, but the guy again says: "No, here's ??200." The prostitute says: "You're so kind."

 

More days pass, and the guy met up with the prostitute one last time to have sex.
The prostitute says: "?? 100, please."
The guy hands her ?? 200.

 

The prostitute says: "you're so kind. Where are you from?"
He answers: "I'm from Glasgow."

 

The guy says: "I know, your mum sent me to give you ??600."

Edited July 23, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Party all night

 

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice" (muscle pain relief).

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? "

"The girls never showed up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Black hair

 

The gynaecologist is surprised to see one of his patient’s husbands in his waiting room.

“What can I do for you Mr. Doyle?” the doctor asks.

“I’m worried because our new baby has red hair.” “Why is that such a concern?”

“I have black hair, my wife has black hair and all four of our parents have black hair.”

“How often do you have sex?” “Oh, I guess about twice a year,” Doyle says, sheepishly.

“That explains it,” says the doctor. “The red hair is from rust.

[worldangel]

Joke: Anatomy

 

 

A new bride went to her doctor for a check-up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husband’s legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

[clementi]

Joke: Chores

 

Gallery

 

A husband is at home watching a football game when his Wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close properly."

To which he replies, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have a Westinghouse logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says, "Then, would you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're a mess and a real hazard."

"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have a Black and Decker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so." He continued, "In fact, I've had enough of all your Bickering. I'm going to the bar!"

So, the pleasant husband goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. Sometime later, he starts to feel guilty about his treatment of his wife, so he decides to return home and help out with the chores.

As he walks into the house, he notices the steps have been repaired. Then, as he enters the house, he notices the hall light is working again. And, to top it off, when he goes to get a beer from the fridge, he notices the fridge door has been fixed.

"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"

His wife replies, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then, a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either have sex with him or bake him a cake."

"So, what kind of cake did you bake him?" asks the husband.

"Hellooooooo!" she replies emphatically, "Do you see a Betty Crocker logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!"

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Potatoes

 

Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and asks him, "What's wrong now?"

"GOODNESS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

[clementi]

Joke: Muscular man

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[clementi]

Joke: No more headaches

A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressure on the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles."

The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit.

"Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?"

"Wow, how did you know?" says the man.

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things" said the tailor."

The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it.

"16, 34, right?" said the tailor.

"Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing."

"Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things".

The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too."

The tailor said, "36 right?"

"I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers."

The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36."

The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one".

"Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches."

[clementi]

Joke: Valentine dream

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.Delighted, she opened it-only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".