Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Union shop

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,

looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex all day

 

One day a young man about the age of 25 was walking along the sidewalk in the park. Then all of a sudden he looks up from hearing the sound of an old man sobbing.

"What's wrong?" said the young man.

"Well it's nothing really." said the old man.

"It has to be something. Tell me about it" said the young man.

"Well, everyday after I wake up in the morning, me and my wife have wild sex. Then I leave for work" the old man said.

"That's not bad" the young man said.

"Well, when I get home from work, my wife has already finished making lunch for me and her. Then after lunch we have more wild sex." the old man said.

"That's not bad at all. There's no reason why you should be sobbing." said the young man.

"When we finish making love, I go back to work at my second job. Then i come home and by that time, my wife is finished making supper. Then we eat and have wild sex again through out the night." the old man said.

"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.

Then the old man finally says why he is so glum, "I forgot where I live!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Unlucky day

 

A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”

The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked.

 

The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.”
“That’s not so bad, what’s the big deal?”

The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened?” the man asked again.

 

The farmer relenting, continued, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.”
“Again?”

 

The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked, intrigued.

“I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”

 

“Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.”

The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what else did you do?” the man asked again.

 

“Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in…”

Edited July 24, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Get your coat on

 

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife, "I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on."

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity, replies, "Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?"

The husband replies, "No. I'm turning the off the heat."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rude parrot

 

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realise that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approach. "Can I get you anything, sir?" she asks the man".
"Yes, I'll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you".

"And for you, sir?" she asks the parrot.

"A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I'm thirsty!" demands the parrot.

The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's drink, which he snatches without a word. "Excuse me," says the man, "but I ordered a coffee".

"Did you, sir? I'm sorry, I'll get you one straight away". By which time the parrot has finished his drink. "Anything else for you, sir?" the stewardess asks the parrot.

"Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can't wait all night!"

Again the stewardess returns with the parrot's drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger. "Listen here you stupid slapper," he says to the stewardess, "I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!"

Two minutes later the stewardess returns but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.

As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 6 miles up the parrot turns to the man and says, "You're a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can't fly, aren't you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Alimony

 

"Mr. Johns, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old man fishing

 

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Story with a moral

 

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found.

 

So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole.

 

The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.

[worldangel]

Joke: Big chief

 

An old tribeman was suffering wind problems, so he told his apache servant to go to the doctor on his behalf.

When he got there he told the doctor: "Big chief, no fart."

So the doctor gave him some tablets and told him to come back in a week.

The next week the servant returned. "Big chief, no fart," he said again. The doctor sighed and gave him some stronger tablets, telling him to come back in a month.

A month later he returned again, "Big chief, no fart," he repeated. Getting impatient, the doctor gave him some super strength tablets and told him to come back in a year.

One year later the servant came back and announced "Big fart, no chief".

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing doctor

 

Two married men are in a pub discussing their love life when one says, "Have you ever tried playing doctor?"

His mate says, "No what's it like?"

The man replies, "It's amazing me and my wife were playing for the whole of last night must of been about 10 hours."

His mate, shocked says, "10 hours!? How the hell did you manage that long?"

"I just left her in waiting room for 9 and a half hours."

[worldangel]

Joke: What is in your limo?

 

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photo-chromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."

At this point the mini owner interrupted.

"But do you have a video in there?"

The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.

A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out.

"I installed a VCR in my limo," said the businessman proudly.

"What!?!' the mini-man responded. "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Importance of a name

 

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My brother’s driving

 

Two guys were out joy riding when the driver ran a red light. His friend complained, and the driver said "Don`t worry, that's the way my brother drives."

Later the driver ran another red light and again his friend complained, and again the driver distinctly replied "Don't worry! that`s the way my brother drives!"

A few miles down the road the driver comes to a green light and comes to a complete stop. His friend looked over in utter dismay and screamed "What are you doing, the light is green?!"

The driver said, "Yeah, but my brother might be coming the other way."

[worldangel]

Joke: A happy 100^th year grandma

 

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

[worldangel]

Joke: Prison time

 

Three newly incarcerated convicts are discussing how they will pass their time in jail.

The first one pulls out a harmonica and says "I can play all my favorite songs on this."

The second takes out a deck of cards. "I can play poker with myself with these."

The third gets out a box of tampons. "Well, it says on here that with these I can go swimming, horseback riding, cycling, ..."

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s in a name?

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex problem

 

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

[worldangel]

Joke: How to make money

 

Young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishing

 

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can
help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with
me?"

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

[worldangel]

Joke: All strung out

 

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

 

She rattles off: ??? Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!????

 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: ???Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....???

Edited July 25, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Promotion test

 

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.

The colonel called the first candidate his office and said, "This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1500, what would you do?"

The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging. "

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next Lt., "I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . "

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.

Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, "Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1500!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

[worldangel]

Joke: Alien sex

 

A newly-wed couple decides that instead of going on an expensive honeymoon, they would get a case of beer and go out to the local lake. As they are sitting out there drinking and having fun, and alien ship comes down and a male and female alien get off of the ship.

"Do not worry," they said. "We come in peace. We want to party."

The newlyweds decide to let them party with them as it would be a great story to tell their children. After a while the male alien asked if it would be okay if he were to take the human woman on his ship and have sex with her. He said that the female alien will stay on the ground and have sex with the human male. the couple agreed to try it out.

The woman went onto the ship with the male alien and as they got undressed she noticed that he was not well endowed. She began to giggle. He looked at her and said that she was not to worry. He reached up and tugged on his right ear and his penis grew five inches. He then tugged on his left ear and it expanded an inch and a half in girth. They had sex and then went back down to join the other two. The woman walked up to her husband and he said:

"Now honey, don't lie...how was it?
She looked at him and said.. "I won't lie...it was the best sex I have ever had in my life....how was yours?"

He gave her a bewildered look and said..."I don't know...she wouldn't stop tugging on my ears."

[worldangel]

Joke: Watermelons

 

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. . .

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids showed up and they saw his sign: "Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

Well the kids were bright and not about to risk another watermelon. They ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the sign that the farmer made.


The next day the farmer showed up to look over the field and he noticed to his delight that no watermelons are missing. He was perplexed, however, by a sign next to his. He drove his tractor up to the sign which read: "Now there are two!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart thinking

 

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

 

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Need light

 

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?"

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New Rooster

 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."

The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . look at what it did to me!"

The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . .just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"

The old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."

 

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man,so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

 

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!......he blows the young rooster to bits.

 

He sadly shakes his head and says, "Damnit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

Edited July 25, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s in your limo?

 

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner.

"This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...."

At this point the mini owner interrupted.

"But do you have a video in there?"

The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo.

A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out.

"I installed a VCR in my limo," said the businessman proudly.

"What!?!' the mini-man responded. "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hunting trip

 

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle decided to give them a real treat. "Why don't you grab a gun, take my prized hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Golden Bar

 

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Karate dog

 

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"

The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced.

"I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Life saver

 

A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."

[worldangel]

Joke: Strange diver

 

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.

The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.

This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

[worldangel]

Joke: On the way to funeral

 

There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children.

 

 

We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt. When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, “Dad, what’s going to happen to us when you die?”

 

 

One of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone. “We’ll go in the limousine dummy.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Three words test

A Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"

[clementi]

Joke: Train sit

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to well-dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say another word. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You're bad at holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

[clementi]

Joke: Delicious peanuts

A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

[clementi]

Joke: Passion for mathematics

They Divide Their Age In Half

Double The Price Of Their Cloths &

Always Add At Least 5 Years 2 The Age Of Their BesT Friend

[clementi]

Joke: Car names

Who said car names don't have meaning?

BMW: Brings Me Women.

FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology.

FORD: For Only Rough Drivers.

HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive....

VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object.

PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything.

OPEL: Old People Enjoying Life

TOYOTA: The One You Only Trust, Always.

GOLF/GTI: Girls Only Love Fun / Get Them Inside

HONDA: Hanged Over, Now Driving Away.

[clementi]

Joke: Why Teachers get Headaches? - 1

Teacher: Where is your homework?

Student: I lost it fighting this kid who said you weren't the best teacher in the school.

[clementi]

Joke: A man has to leave the country...

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.

After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

[clementi]

Joke: Why Teachers get Headaches? – 2

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

[clementi]

Joke: Why Teachers get Headaches? - 3

Harold: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

Teacher: Of course not.

Harold: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

[clementi]

Joke: Why Teachers get Headaches? - 4

Teacher: Bob, I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

Bob: I hope you didn't either.

Edited July 26, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Why Teachers get Headaches? - 5

Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

[clementi]

Joke: Why Teachers get Headaches? - 6

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

Junior: Because of absence.

Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

[clementi]

Joke: Why Teachers get Headaches? - 7

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

Vincent: One dollar.

Teacher (sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

Vincent (sadly): You don't know my father.

[clementi]

Joke: Why Teachers get Headaches? - 8

Teacher: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?

Class Comedian: Big hands!

[clementi]

Joke: Christmas tree

It's Christmas time and Bill and Joe decided to go look for a Christmas Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand of trees, Joe brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Bill to look at it.

"Well, Bill, What do you think?"

"Sorry, Joe, this tree won't do. Let's try another one."

They come upon another nice tree, Joe brushes it off, and they both look at it.

"How about this one, Bill?"

"Not quite, Joe. Let's keep looking". This goes on until nightfall. Both Bill and Joe are cold, tired, and hungry. "Well, Bill, what do we do now?"

"Joe, I think we should take home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting the right name

 

Trying to find just the right name for your child? Why not pick one of these?

Just find your profession below and we have the right name for you!

Lawyer's daughter: Sue

Thief's son: Rob

Lawyer's son: Will

Doctor's son: Bill

Hair stylist's son: Bob

Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb

Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary

Sound stage technician's son: Mike

Gambler's daughter: Bette

Iron worker's son: Rusty

TV star's daughter: Emmy

Movie star's son: Oscar

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Looked A Lot Like My Wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

 

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." 

 

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. 
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

 

Edited July 26, 2015 by worldangel