Be Happy :)

[Guest]

Bookmark pg 4 #167

 

http://www.blowingwind.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=765&page=4

Edited August 9, 2015 by sam7566

[worldangel]

Joke: Long life

 

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and cancelling my voyage on the Titanic."

[worldangel]

Joke: Late returning

 

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation, but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting and he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical, but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk and rubbed

 

A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.

"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.

"They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.

"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.

"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.

The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"

"Holy shit!" screams the drunk; "They got me girlfriend too!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Five minutes left

 

This guy asks his friend, "If you knew that in five minutes the world is going to explode, what would be the first thing you would do?"

The Second guy says, "I would screw the first thing that moved... and what would you do?"

The first guy says, "I would stand very still for five minutes".

[worldangel]

Joke: Tie joke

 

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY  TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie! I grabbed a tie and ran out the door. “Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!”

 

 

“Sure” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.” Well if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down. “Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie’s on other people when they were lying down.

 

 

He replied. What was your previous job? I asked incredulously. “I ran a morg.” Was the reply.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Enough is enough

 

My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, “You’re next!”

 

After a while, I figured out how to stop them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

 

Edited July 30, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Please come again

 

I was a little taken aback when I got my receipt from the funeral parlour, on the bottom of the receipt, after the bill, it read, “Thank you. Please come again.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Inheritance

 

Brian walked into work and saw his co-worker looking particularly sour. “Hey what’s wrong buddy?” His friend looked up with a forlorn expression on his face.

 

 

“You remember last month how my Grandmother’s sister passed on and left me $2,000?” “Yes,” said Brian nodding his head.

 

 

“And you remember how the month before that her brother passed on and left me $5000? “Uh huh” said Brian again.

 

 

“Well this month is almost over,” said the co-worker with a wave of his hand and………………..NOTHING!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flowers

 

“What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!” “Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”

 

“Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “congratulations on your new location.”

He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “rest in peace?!” “Oh no!” she sighed, “now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlour!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Woops sorry about that

 

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper.

 

 

The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note.

 

 

Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.

 

 

The note said “HEY, YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Telemarketer

 

Listen a job is a job, we all need to find away to put bread on the table don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer that’s my job and that’s what I do. It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of.

 

 

The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”

 

 

Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.” “Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied, listing off his new number. I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording. “Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Last wishes

 

Old Max had started out as a diamond cutter, and through hard work and good judgement he finally became the owner of a National chain of jewellery stores. He was wealthy indeed. But now, he lay dying, so he called his wife to his side.

 

 

“Hannah,” he began, “I always meant to draw up a will but somehow I never got around to it. So pay close to attention to my last wishes.”

 

 

“Yes, Max, I am listening,” Hannah wept. “Whatever you want, it will be done.” “First of all, the business I leave to Harry.” “Oh, no, Max, not to Harry!” his wife protested. “With Harry it’s girl-girls-girls! Leave the business better to Jerome. He’s at least reliable and has a good head for figures.” “Alright, let it be Jerome,” sighed the dying man.

 

 

“To Harry I leave the stocks and bonds.” “Better you should leave me the stocks and bonds. I should take care he doesn’t squander it on women or cards.” “Very well, in your name I leave the securities. And the summer house I leave to our sweet Minnie.”

 

 

“Minnie!” exclaimed his wife. “What for what does Minnie need another summer house? Her husband didn’t buy her one last year? Give it to Anna – her husband is a poor man. After all she’s our flesh and blood too.” “Fine! Anna gets the summer house,” he sighed resignedly.

 

 “And to our youngest Abe, I leave the car and the warehouses.” “But Abe has already 2 cars. What does he need with another one? And he wants to be a musician – what would he do with warehouses? Take my advice and give them to Louis.”

 

 

That did it! Old Max had taken all he could of his wife’s interference. Raising himself off the pillow and summoning his last ounce of strength, he snapped, “Hannah, you are a good women and have been a fine wife and mother. But listen – who the hell is dying around here – you or me?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory problems

 

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife.

 

 

“Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds the Harry said, “what are those good smelling flowers called again?”

 

 

“Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Clean restaurant

 

So these two roaches, Tom and Oscar, are hanging out next to a dumpster enjoying a snack.

 

 

“Hey Tom” said Oscar to his friend, “You know that restaurant down the block? I went there yesterday to pick up some scraps, and I couldn’t believe how clean it was, I could practically see my reflection through the shiny waxed floor.”

 

 

“Oscar” hollered Tom spitting the food out of his mouth, “please not while I am eating!!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma getting into trouble

 

Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?” “I sure do” Grandpa replied.

 

 “What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?” “How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?” “Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!” “Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”

 

 

“Huh?” questioned Grandpa. “Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Writing a will

 

A man hears from a doctor that his end is near so he heads over to a lawyer to write a will.  

The secretary watches as the man walks into the Lawyer’s office and as three minutes later the man walks off in a huff.  “Can I help you?” asks the secretary, dashing after the obviously upset man.

 

 “HELP ME? THIS GUY IS CRAZY! I asked him to help me write a will and he says to me:  ‘sure, let me just ask you a few questions and then leave it all to me.’  “I’ve heard before how lawyers are dishonest but this just takes the cake!”
 

Edited July 30, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: About getting older

 

“Sugar why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper.” said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down. “Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” questioned Dorothy. “Umm I guess I’ll take the soup.” He responded.

 

After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer. Bob sneack into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?”

 

 

“Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ghost

 

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"

Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.

He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand...

The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?"

The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory problems

 

Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Watch us

 

A Florida couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says,

'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, and he charges them $50 and he says good bye...

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.

The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row..

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, and pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7..

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What a jerk?

 

In the bar at the top of the Empire State Building there are two men sitting together.

Guy #1 says to Guy #2, "I bet you that I can jump out of that window over there and come up those stairs in just 2 seconds."

Guy #2 doesn't believe him so he says, "I'd like to see you try!" Then Guy #1 jumps out the window and appears at the top of the stairs in just under 2 seconds.

Guy #2 is flabbergasted. Guy #1 then bets that he can jump out the window and come up the stairs with a beautiful woman in his arms.

Guy #2 says, "That's impossible!!"

Guy #1 says, "You just watch."

He does it and Guy #2 is really impressed but thinks: "Hey, this guy is really drunk so if he can do it, so can I."

He decides to try to show up this other guy and he jumps out the window.

He splats himself all over the sidewalk.

Guy #1 watches him plummet to his messy death, laughs to himself at his own triumph, and walks back to the bar and resumes his seat.

The bartender says, "Superman, you're really a jerk when you're drunk!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Son of beech

 

There is a birch tree and beech tree, in-between the two grows a young sapling, the two trees argue whether it is a son of a birch or a son of a beech.

After hours of arguing they can not decide, so they ask the wood pecker to investigate to see weather it is a son of a birch or a son of a beech.

The wood pecker goes down pecks it for a while and returns, and informs them that it was the best piece of ash he had ever sunk his pecker into.

[worldangel]

Joke: Inherited intelligence

 

Andy asked his father: “who did I get my intelligence from”?

His father replies; “it must be from your mother 'cause I still have mine”

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Willy

 

A little lad asked his mom "is it bad to have a willy"?

No, said his mother why?

Cause daddy is upstairs trying to pull his off

[worldangel]

Joke: Medium or rare?

 

What's the difference between medium and rare?

A. Six inches is medium and eight inches is RARE!!

Edited July 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Make me feel like a woman

 

There was a man and a woman in an elevator, and the elevator stops.

They have 5 minutes till they die.

So the woman says make me a woman for the last time.

So the man takes off his pants, gives them to her and says here, iron them.

[worldangel]

Joke: Smell the fresh air

 

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Gee Whiz, all I can smell is... MOLASSES!

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage license

 

A man and a widow go to City hall to get a marriage license.

While they are there, the clerk asks the woman if her previous marriage ended in death or divorce.

“I didn’t know I had a choice,” she replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearse

 

Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on the way.

 

 

Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder. “AHHHH HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder.

 

 

“What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken. “I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: …………..after my hubby dies

 

Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic? One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”

 

So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice. “Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,” was her reply. “Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hesistanly asked. “He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic. “

 

Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?” Questioned Suzie urgently.

 

 

“Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Money talks

 

Eddy was just a regular guy except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last. Since Eddy was a soon to be billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with.

 

Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?” “Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.” And that’s the story how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A friendly stranger

 

Little Old Lady is being cross-examined by the DA

D.A.: What is your age?

Woman: I am 86 years old.

D.A.: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

D.A.: Did you know him?

Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

D.A.: What happened after he sat down?

Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

D.A.: Did you stop him?

Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

D.A.: Why not?

Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

D.A.: What happened next?

Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

D.A.: Did you stop him then?

Woman: No, I did not stop him.

D.A.: Why not?

Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

D.A.: What happened next?

Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"

D.A.: Did he take you?

Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!"

...And that's when I shot the little bastard.

[worldangel]

Joke: All crumpled up

 

• A man sits reading his paper when his wife enters the house;
• she approaches him in a most provocative manner.
•  
• "Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" she asks in a soft sweet voice.
•  
• Not knowing what to make of this situation he replies "No."
•  
• Pursing her lips she give him a sexy little smile, reaches into her cleavage and slowly pulls out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
•  
• Then stepping closer in she asks in a low sexy voice "Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" Intrigued he answers "Uh, no."
•  
• She gives him another sexy little smile, seductively reaches into her panties and ever so slowly removes a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
•  
• "Now" she says as she leans down and whispers "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
•  
• Totally confused and excited he stammers "No-o-o-o-o."
•  
• "Well" she whispers in his ear, "then go look in the garage..."

Edited July 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Can you hear me?

 

An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.”

 

 

The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “what’s for supper?”

 

 

After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey what’s for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time it’s lassagna!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearing aid

 

After much nagging from his wife, Sam was visiting the audiologist. Yes, he would need hearing aids and they ranged in price from $10.00 to $2,000, was what he was told. “I’ll try the $10.00 pair” Sam said.

 

 

The nurse placed the hearing aids into his ears and hung a wire around his neck. “Does the wire really have to be around my neck?” asked Sam. “Why of course!” replied the nurse.

 

 

“You think these things in your ears do anything?! It’s the wire around your neck – it makes people talk louder!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Presidential scandal

 

Visiting a town in CA for campaigning, the presidential candidate checked into one of the posh hotel.

Upon being shown to his room, he found a voluptuous young woman lying naked in the bed.

Turning to the bellhop, he said, “What’s the meaning of this? Are you trying to cause a scandal? I’m going to be the next president of the United States, and your establishment has the nerve to insult and offend me in this manner? I intend to sue the management for every penny it has!”

While the bellhop was quaking beneath the verbal attack, the sexy young girl quietly slid from the bed and began dressing.

Noticing what she was doing, the candidate turned and said, “Hold on, young lady. No one’s talking to you.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The internet, what’s that?

 

“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.

 

 

“Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?” “Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained.

 

 

“OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her. My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type, How is Gertrude doing this morning?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma

 

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane.  “It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now he’s already three!  It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what?  

 

Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me.  Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone!  He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!”

 

 

It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much.

 

 “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me…. what do you think about my Grandson!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Aging

 

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.

 

“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighbourhood basketball team!” responded John.

 

 

“Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked.

 

 

If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too old to date

 

The neighbours thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again.  One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night.  

 

It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was.  He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember.  

 

Morton picked up the phone and dialled.  “Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?”  “Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnancy

 

Brian’s stress level was at unsurpassed levels.  His wife Maggie was in labour and Brian was sure it was time to head to the hospital.  Breathing heavily, Brian grabbed the phone and called the doctor.  

“MY WIFE, SHE’S READY, SHOULD WE COME?”  The doctor tried to relax the poor fellow, “just try to relax, now tell me how much time elapses between the contractions?”  “SHIRLEY!”  Brian screamed on the top of his lungs,  “HOW MUCH TIME IN BETWEEN THE CONTRACTIONS? TEN MINUTES? OK, TEN MINUTES IN BETWEEN!”

 

“And is this her first child?” questioned the doctor. “NO YOU STUPID NITWIT, THIS IS HER HUSBAND!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Great answers to wife

 

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." 

The husband says, "What?"

The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her Christmas shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.

 

The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she doesn't care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, okay if you like it then let's get it. You deserve the best for Christmas."

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says, "I am ready to go, let's go to the cash register." The husband stops and says, "No, honey I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey, I just want you to hold this stuff for a while." 

The look on her face is indescribable and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

[worldangel]

Joke: A close shave

 

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

 

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

 

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Edited August 1, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Twenty dollars

 

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. ‘Damn’ he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The shoe

 

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife. Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra for elderly

 

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm Getting a tetanus shot."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hypnosis

 

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone."

 

 

The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful." His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

 

 

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

 

 

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

[clementi]

Joke: Bringing the dead body

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial.

The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back, that's what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price". "No, it's not that," says George.

"You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can't take that chance!

[clementi]

Joke: Picky cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."