Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 1

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?

Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 2

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?

Customer : No, I can't.

Waiter : Then does it really matter?

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 3

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 4

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 5

Customer : Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?

Waiter : I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 6

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.

Waiter : So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 7

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 8

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take
This train to London.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Edited August 1, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 9

 

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?
Peter : Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and
The game went into extra time.
 

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 10

 

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
 

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 11

 

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a
Commotion in the gallery.
The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."
The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your honor, I'll have
A scotch and soda."


 

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 12

 

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in
Two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 13

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.



 

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 14

 

Girl : Do you love me?
Boy : Yes Dear.
Girl : Would you die for me?
Boy : No, mine is undying love.


 

[clementi]

Joke: Witty answers 15

 

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, Shouting,
"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."
"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

[clementi]

Joke: Breakfast argument

 

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Exercise

 

At the urging of Harry’s wife and doctor, 50 year old Harry finally made it to the gym. After consulting with one of the trainers, Harry decided to try out a steep treadmill.

 

“Ok”, said the trainer “I’m going to set it for ten minutes, if you want to go longer just press start again.” At first Harry was doing fine but after 5 seconds he started getting tired, and after a minute he jumped off gasping for breath.

 

 

Walking to the side to sit down, he passed by a friend of his. “Man”, said Harry. “I could barely last a full minute on that treadmill.” “Alright alright”, said his buddy, “no reason to brag!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Peanut

 

Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home.

 

 

Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring, the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table.

 

 

“Thank you”, said the nominee after being offered more for the 3rd time, “why don’t you have some yourself?” “Oh, I can’t eat it” said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.”   “So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee. “Oh, I like the chocolate around it” was the glib reply.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Quarantine

 

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice,  “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “That’s terrible!” said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint.

 

 

“I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!” “It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: High fever joke

 

My four year old daughter had a terrible case of the flu, she was achy, had a high fever, and was terribly hoarse.

 

 

After waiting in the waiting room at the doctor’s office for over an hour we were finally admitted to see the Doctor.

 

After the usual routine of listening to her breathing and checking her ears, the Doctor looked my daughter in the eye and said, “so what would you say is bothering you the most?”

 

Without skipping a beat my daughter promptly answered, “Billy, he always breaks my toys!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hypochondriacs

 

Brian, one of the world’s greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket.

“Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!” “Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed.

 

“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold hands

 

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Snails

 

A couple were celebrating their 25th anniversary at their house.
Suddenly the husband asks his wife: "dear, I love you so much, and to honour our special day I want to give you whatever you want. just name it".

The wife thinks a little bit and then says: "Well, actually I do have this sudden urge for some snails..."

So the husband leaves for this local delicacy and buys a lot of snails.

On the way back he sees this gorgeous blond, who invites him to her house. He follows her and they have sex for hours. Suddenly he sees this backet of snails waiting to him near the entrance and remembers that his wife is still waiting.

 

He starts running like crazy carrying the bocket in his arm. Seconds before his angry wife opens the door he hears her nervous steps and drops the bocket, so that all the snails are scattered around the floor.

 

When his wife opens the door and sees him with all the snails, he says:
"Come on boys, just a few more steps, you can make it...

Edited August 1, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Like a baby

 

A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.

Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

"Don't worry, honey," he said.

She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Goodness me. I thought you said your penis was like a baby."

"It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Secretary’s dilemma

 

A cute, good looking secretary came angrily out of the boss's cabin.

A colleague asked : "What happened ? "

She replied : "He asked, 'Are u free tonite?'" 

I said: "Yes." 

...And that stupid gave me 50 pages to type!

[worldangel]

Joke: Lurid past

 

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smell of a brothel

 

One afternoon, a Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves and both of their barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that crap on me. My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

[worldangel]

Joke: Repairing the rabbit

 

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry. 

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it." The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. 

She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. 

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" 

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Department store clerk

 

In a department store, a difficult customer and a very patient clerk were having a hard time getting together. Nothing the clerk provided was suitable.

Finally, the finicky shopper said in annoyance, "Can't you find a smarter clerk to serve me?"

"No," said the saleswoman. "The smarter clerk saw you coming and disappeared.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Trip to the fair

 

A guy went to the fair with his Jewish mother. The mother wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the guy wasn't comfortable with that so she went on the ride alone.

The wheel went round and round but suddenly stopped with a sharp jerk. The mother was thrown out and landed in a heap at her son's feet.

He asked, "Are you hurt?"

"Of course I'm hurt! Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck sensitivity

 

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'

'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' 

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

[worldangel]

Joke: Going out in style

 

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send me the bill."

Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it was some incidental expense.

Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going on.

"Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

[worldangel]

Joke: Female compassion

 

The depth and breadth of it is truly amazing!

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. 

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man. 

The first woman said 'Have you ever had a hug?' 

The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on. 

The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' 

The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on. 

The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been fu*ked?' 

The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.' 

She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

[worldangel]

Joke: One kiss per yard

 

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

[worldangel]

Joke: Can you beat this explanation

 

Suddenly one of the employees in an organization took 10 days Leave Without any notice.

When he returned his PL asked for explanation.
The employee said "Sir, my mom died unexpectedly".

The PL let it go at that. After 3 months the same pattern repeated, and this time the said his Father died. 

Then the PL got changed.

After 3 months the same pattern Repeated.
And the employee gave the explanation that his mom died.
After 3 months same thing again...
And this time his father died.

This Happened repeatedly for 2 years.
At the end, one PL checked his past Records and told him, "I have caught you red handed, How come in the Past 2 years, your mom has died 5 times, and your dad has died five Times?"

NOW GUESS THE ANSWER...

V

V

V

V

To which the guy said, "Sir, my mom died and my father remarried. Then my father died and my new mom remarried. Then my mom died and the new Father remarried. This has been going on and on and on and..."

[worldangel]

Joke:My Daughter Best

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring.

"There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach ."

"That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami , and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."

Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does. Nobody."

"So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her.

"Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Appropriate punishment

 

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school.

The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig.

He walks alittle further and kicks a cow.

 

Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, andfor kicking the cow, no milk for a week."

Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.

 

The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Saturday night date

 

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the watercooler at the office.

 

"Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?"

 

"Oh, my goodness!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic sex!"

 

"What should I do?" asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."

[worldangel]

Joke: Women can Keep Secrets

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret."

"I don't know about that," huffily answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one."

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."

[worldangel]

Joke: Good news bad news

 

Bob was in a terrible motorcycle accident and his legs weren’t in great shape, to say the least. After a couple of weeks of therapy, it soon became clear to the Doctor that they were just pushing off the inevitable. Due however, to Bob’s frail condition, the Doctor was afraid to give him the bad news.  

 

Instead, he gave the sorry job to Bob’s wife of 40 years, hoping that she would know how to break the bad news to him ever so slowly and gently. “Honey”, said Bob’s wife Eva the next morning, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?”

 

 

Bob, always in a morbid state, responded in his usual grumpy voice, “what do I care? Just give me the bad news!” “Well dear,” said Eva cupping Bob’s hand with her two hands, “I hate to have to tell you this, but it seems like your legs are going to have to be taken off.” Bob, barely able to hold his voice from cracking croaked out,  “Eva, what’s the good news?”

 

 

“The good news” said Eva happily, “is that that the gardener that was in here just before, said he may be interested in buying your slippers from you!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where’s the manager

 

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.

"Im afraid I can’t" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 50 Cents

 

After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.

“That’s great!” the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 cents?”

“Everybody!?” replied the wife.

[worldangel]

Joke: $65,000 question

 

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled inher favour, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Unwanted marriage

 

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?"

"I would have gotten out today."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nice smelling hair

 

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to HR. Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

[worldangel]

Joke: Making love

 

After a long night buying a foxy women drinks, Joe took advantage by giving her a ride home. After the walk to the door, the women asked Joe in for a nightcap...

One thing led to another ....After making love Joe rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, Joe asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer.", she said.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, Joe began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded Joe bewildered.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex problems

 

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn't get a clear picture of the problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your girlfriend's face while you're having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"And how did she look?"

"Oh boy, she looked very angry!"

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere. "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?"

"She was watching us through the window."

[worldangel]

Joke: Losing virginity

 

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin & I'm not! Is there anything you can do to help me?"

The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress - her hubby "slips it in" and just then she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?"

The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."

The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Waiting for love

 

This guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you," she said politely." "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult," the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much," she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."

[worldangel]

Joke: Using Vaseline

 

A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!"