Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Girls’ night out

 

Two women where at a pub, having a fun night out, away from their husbands. When they got out and started walking back home, they suddenly had a strong urge to pee. They decided to do it in the cemetery, where they figured no one will notice them. Once they were done, they remembered they didn't bring toilet papers. The first one took her panties off, used it like paper and threw it away. The second used some flowers from one of the tombs.

The day after, one of the husbands called the other and said, angrily:
"Looks like our wifes had quite a good time yesterday. Mine came home without her panties!".

The other one answered, even more angry: "That's nothing. Mine came back with a small note sticked to here ass, saying 'we will never forget you. Love, from all the guys"...

[worldangel]

Joke: New born Spaghetii

 

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

[worldangel]

Joke: Penis Tan

 

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

[worldangel]

Joke: Gambling

 

John Sam and Abe, 3 retired friends, would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker. It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely. John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.

 

She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was  always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt. One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.  Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot.

 

 

Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot. When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards.  As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died. “Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?” “Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied. Abe knocked on John’s door. “John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened.

 

 

“He’s afraid to come home.” John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed. “TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!” “Ok,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”  

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The man of the house

 

A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda. It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is…let’s keep peace in the family. One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions.

 

To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left. During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands. Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will.

 

 “I’ll prove it,” she boasted. “Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response. “Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing. “Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!” “No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet. “I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Master of the house

 

A solicitor for the Red Cross called upon a well-to-do young couple for a donation. Hearing a commotion inside, he knocked extra-loudly on the door.

 

 

A somewhat dishevelled man admitted him in. “What can I do for you?” he growled, clearly upset about something. “I would like to speak to the master of the house,” said the solicitor politely.

 

 

“Then you’re just in time,” barked the young man. “My wife and I are settling that very question right now!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

Harry and his buddy Sam were going for a stroll. “Sam” said Harry “You know my wife?” “Sure do” said Sam. “Well she ain’t gonna be my wife anymore! Right after the weekend it’s gonna be over!

 

I’m divorcing her!” Sam was aghast, “Harry, I can’t believe it! You seemed to get along so well together! And she seemed like such a nice wife too!” Harry stopped walking and turned to Sam.

 

 

“Sam, take a look at the loafers I’m wearing. Don’t they look comfy? They have a nice stylish shape, and they look mighty comfortable. Don’t they Sam?” “They do Harry” said Sam, “but I’m not quite sure what you are getting at.”

 

“Well guess what Sam?” said Harry raising his voice, “I’m the only one who knows that they are pinching my darn feet!!!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting to heaven

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carols."

[worldangel]

Joke: 16 Years of meat

 

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Talk to him

 

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

Woman: "Why?"

Man: "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

[worldangel]

Joke: Marital bliss

 

“So Grandpa” asked Dave at his engagement party “your marriage to Grandma is legendary everyone talks about how you two get along so well and never fight, what’s the secret to your marital success?”

 

 

“Well” said Grandpa Joe after taking a deep puff on his cigar “it all started on the way home from our wedding, we hadn’t gone but a mile when the horse started giving us trouble I gave the horse a little whip and that’s when I heard your Grandma say in a low voice “that’s strike one.”

 

 

A bit later the horse stopped again “that’s strike two” she said. The third time it stopped she grabbed my shotgun out of my holster and shot it in the head. I was in shock!  “What in the world was that all about?” I had protested at the time.  “That’s strike one!”  she said back to me.  “And that is what I owe our marital success to.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke:  Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

 

 

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.

 

 

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.. 

You can't fix stupid.

[worldangel]

Joke: New job

 

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.

She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry replies.

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......

She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back." She runs back to Harry, and asks, "Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Nude driving

 

A man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Extra-large condoms

 

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra-large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

[worldangel]

Joke: How often man has sex

 

"There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?"

A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.

"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?".

A second man got up, and he too fitted the description.

"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?".

The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed.

"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most typical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise".

A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful.

"You do it only once a year?", the expert asked.

"Yes, only once a year".

"So why are you so happy?", demanded the expert.

"Well", said the man, cheeringly, "Tonight is the night!"...

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men on a hill

 

There were three men on a hill with their watches. 

The first man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. 

The second man threw his watch down the hill and it broke. 

The third man threw his watch down the hill, walked all the way to the bottom, and caught it. 

The other two men were puzzled and asked the third man how he did it. 

The third man said, "Easy. My watch is 5 minutes slow!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Police emergency

 

This is the true story of George, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. 

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Beans again

 

There were three construction workers that always got the same thing for lunch. All of them were tired of eating the same thing over and over again.

1st worker : I hate sandwiches, if I get sandwiches for lunch again tomorrow I'm jumping off that bridge.

2nd worker : Oh my Gosh! If I see another taco I'm going to jump off that bridge tomorrow.

3rd worker : Beans Again?!! I will jump off that bridge tomorrow if I get beans for lunch again.

The next day they all got the same thing for lunch so each jumped off the bridge and died.

There wives were inconsolable.

1st Wife : If I knew he would do that I would have never packed him sandwiches!

2nd wife : If I knew he would do that, I would have never packed him tacos!

3rd wife : If I knew he would do that, I never would have let him pack his own lunch!

[worldangel]

Joke: Improvement

 

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Men best friend

 

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. 

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.
Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ladies man

 

The elderly man flattered himself that he was still a ladies’ man, and decided to flirt with the beautiful waitress. 

"So tell me, sweetheart, where have you been all my life?" he crooned. 

"Actually, sir," she pointed out sweetly, "for the first 45 years of it, I wasn’t even around."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old loving

 

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Age

 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old. Well, you'll love this one....

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his diploma, which had his full name. 

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then? 

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. 

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High school. 

'Yes. Yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride. 

'When did you graduate?' I asked. 

He answered, 'In 1967. Why do you ask?' 

'You were in my class!' I exclaimed. 

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat, gray-haired man asked, 'What did you teach?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Hiding the pets

 

A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.

 

As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says "NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE"

 

Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan "what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"

 

"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"
"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"

"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.

To which the man replies "Look, if it dies it dies!"

Edited August 5, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: New tattoo

 

This lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the guy to put a tattoo of a turkey on her upper right thigh. She goes back to the same tattoo parlor two weeks later and asks him to tattoo a picture of a Christmas tree on her upper left thigh.

Stumped, the guy finally decides to ask her why she wants these tattoos.

She said, "I'm tired of my husband complaining every year that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

[worldangel]

Joke: One missing girl

 

George came home one day, very excited.
"Do you know what they are saying?" he asked his wife Jean, "they say our janitor has slept with every woman in this building except for one!"

Jean responded "That must be that girl from number 32; no one likes her!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fourth marriage

 

An eighty year old woman was getting married for the fourth time. A newspaper was interviewing her about her previous marriages. She said she got married the first time when she was twenty to a banker. 

Then, in her forties she married a three ring circus leader. Then she married a preacher. And now she's marring a funeral home director. And the lady replied, when I look back at my previous marriages, I see one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.

[worldangel]

Joke: Attractive woman

 

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.

"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.

"Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I’m afraid I can’t" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him that there is no loo paper in the ladies."

[worldangel]

Joke: Four business dads

 

Once there were four business men. They were sitting on a bench in a hospital waiting room because their wives were having babies. 

A nurse comes over and says to the first businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had 1 baby."

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the president of And1!"

The nurse goes away.

Then the nurse comes back and says to the second businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had twins!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I'm the owner of the Minnesota Twins!" 

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and says to the third businessman, "Congratulations! Your wife had triplets!"

The man says, "What a coincidence! I work for Triple Crown!"

The nurse goes away.

The nurse comes back and sees the fourth businessman alone on the bench crying. 

She asks, "Why are you crying"?

The man replies, "I work for Seven Up"!!

[clementi]

Joke: Switchboard 

 

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

 

Caller: I’m Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?

 

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

 

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

 

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I’m Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Edited August 5, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Prisoners vs Employees

 

 

IN PRISON 
you spend the majority of your time in an 8'X10' cell . 

AT WORK
you spend most of your time in a 6'X8' cubicle .. 

IN PRISON 
you get three meals a day (free). 

AT WORK 
you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself . 

IN PRISON 
you get time off for good behaviour. 

AT WORK 
you get rewarded for good behaviour with more WORK. 

IN PRISON
a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you .. 

AT WORK 
you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself . 

IN PRISON 
you can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK 
you get fired for watching TV and playing games. 

IN PRISON 
they allow your family and friends to visit. 

AT WORK 
you can not even speak to your family and friends. 

IN PRISON 
all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all. 

AT WORK 
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners. 

 

Edited August 5, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: They walk among us

 

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'

For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!

They walk among us!
 

[clementi]

Joke: Where is the north?

While looking at a house, my brother asked the Estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east And has for sometime. She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'

They Walk Among Us!

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Death bird

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us! 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Fries

I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries. 

The girl behind the counter said "would you like some fries with that?" 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Lifesaving tool

 

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.

They Walk Among Us!
 

[clementi]

Joke: Sunburn

 

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

They Walk Among Us!

 

[clementi]

Joke: Nose and Earring

 

I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.

My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"

I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...

They Walk Among Us !

 

[clementi]

Joke: Lost luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

(I work with professionals like this.)

They Walk Among Us!

 

[clementi]

Joke: Pizza parlour

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

They Walk Among Us! 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Internet vs reality

 

I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump.

After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.

The triage nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out,

"Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds!"

While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me. 

"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet!"

[clementi]

Joke: A lecturer

 

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths. 

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

[clementi]

Joke: Medical history

 

Due to a job transfer, Brian moved from his hometown to New York City.  Being that he had a very comprehensive health history, he brought along all of his medical paperwork, when it came time for his first check up with his new Doctor.

 

 

After browsing through the extensive medical history, the Doctor stared at Brian for a few moments and said, ”Well there’s one thing I can say for certain, you sure look better in person than you do on paper!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: You are next

 

At weddings old aunts used to tease me saying: You are next, you are next.

But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!
 

[clementi]

Joke: Snoring

Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."

"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
 

[clementi]

Joke: Wow

Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW !
 

[clementi]

Joke: Husband & wife

 

Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
 

[clementi]

Joke: Hunter

An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "I'm glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."
 

[clementi]

Joke: Mistakes

People who do lots of work...make lots of mistakes,
People who do less work...make less mistakes,

People who do no work...make no mistakes,
People who make no mistakes...get promoted.