Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Dressing alike

The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.

"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose any of them."

"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dynamite

 

A woman is sitting at a bar sees a man coming up to her and since she hasn’t had any action for a long time she decides to go home with him.

At his place, he begins to undress; first he takes off his shirt and shows his huge muscles.

He says to her, "See this baby? This is a thousands pounds of dynamite."

He then takes off his pants and has huge muscular legs.

He then says to her, "See this baby? This is a thousand pounds of dynamite."

When he takes off his pants she screams, grabs her bag and runs towards the door.

Before she can get out he catches her and asks, "what’s wrong baby?"

She then says, "with two-thousand pounds of dynamite and such a small fuse I thought you were about to explode!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Have you seen …

 

First Cannibal: "Have you seen the dentist?"

Second Cannibal: "Yes, he filled my teeth at dinner time."

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage frustration

 

Joe is frustrated with his marriage, and one day he starts packing a suitcase.

His wife says, “What are you doing?” He says, “I’m going to Australia. I hear the women there pay men $50 a pop just to bang them.”

His wife starts packing a suitcase too. Joe says, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you’re gonna live on hundred bucks a month.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What do you do?

 

Q. What do you do when your dishwasher quits working?

A. Slap her in the back of the head.

[worldangel]

Joke: Free Ride

 

An elderly man told his wife, Honey we have done everything in our life except ride in an airplane. Let’s do it.

She said ok.

They went to the airport and after much bargaining with the owner of an open top plane

the pilot/owner said, I’ll take you and your wife for a ride. If neither one of you yell or scream during the ride; it's free, otherwise it’s $50.00 each.

The old man asked his wife, honeys are you sure you can ride in the plane without yelling or screaming.

She said I'm sure I can Joe.

So they agreed to take the ride.

The pilot got them up in the air and tried to get them to scream or yell, he was flying upside down and doing cartwheels up in the air.

When he landed he looked back at the old man and said, wow I can't believe it neither one of you screamed or yelled.

The old man said, it was hard not to scream but I almost did when my wife fell out of the plane.

[worldangel]

Joke: New Valet

 

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Washington bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come to work for him as his valet.

“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said.

“Nothing to it --- you’ll catch on again fast.”

Next morning promptly at seven o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gently shake, strode around to the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Curtain Rod

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman. 

The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place. 

 

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things. 
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases. 

 

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. 
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay. 

 

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. 

 

The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely. 

 

Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went. 

Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move. 

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods. 

 

Edited August 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 little boys

Three little boys sitting on a porch.

The first little boy says, "What would you do with a million dollars?"

The second boy said, "I'd buy that blue Cadillac over there." The third little boy said, "I'd buy the pink

Cadillac sitting over there." Then the third little boy asked the first what he'd do with the money.

The first boy replied, "I'd cover myself in hair." The other two asked "why?" and he said because my sister has a (2" x 2") patch of hair and she owns both those Cadillacs!

 

Edited August 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The maids revenge...

Just after the maid had been fired.

 

She took five bucks from her purse, she threw it to Fido, the family dog.

 

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend.

 

This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man takes his place in the theater...

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. 

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." 

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. 

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A turkey was chatting with a bull...

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be Able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

 

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

 

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

 

Moral of the story: Bullsh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

 

Edited August 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: 4 baseball fans want to show ….

4 baseball fans want to show their teams that they're each the biggest fans in the world, so they decide to climb the biggest mountain they can find.

 

 

The first one to the top is a Braves fan, and he says, "I'm the biggest fan in the world! This is for you Braves!" and he jumps off. The second one to the top is a Mets fan and he says, "I love you more than anything Mets, this is for you!" and he jumps off.

 

 

The last 2 people who get to the top get there at the same time. One is a Red Sox fan and one is a Yankee fan. When they're both standing at the top together, the Red Sox fan says, "This one is for all baseball fans everywhere!"

 

And the Red Sox fan pushes the Yankee fan off.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s the matter?

 

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighbourhood bar.

"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."

"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."

"Why's that?"

"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

[worldangel]

Joke: An old, stingy lawyer was dying

An old, stingy lawyer was dying and was determined to prove wrong the old saying; "You can't take it with you." He told his wife to go down to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.

 

 

His plan: Put the bags directly over his bed and when he died grab them on his way up to heaven. One day the old ambulance chaser died. When his wife was up cleaning in the attic one day, she came across the forgotten pillowcases.

 

 

She then said to herself, “That old fool. I knew he should have had me put them in the basement!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: For 25 Cents

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

“Was that all you wanted?” Murphy replied, “I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Time

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce. "A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sausage Factory

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

 

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and outcome sausages.

 
The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" 

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."    

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chair Man of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man who worked in a cruise liner...

A man who worked in a cruise liner as a magician had a parrot and every time the man did a trick the parrot yelled, “it’s in the pocket,” “it’s in the pocket,” the magician would do another trick and the parrot yelled, “it’s in the hat”, “it’s in the hat.”

 

One day during his act the cruise liner had a problem and the ship sunk. The parrot came up from the water and looking confused said; “NOW WHERE DID HE HIDE THE SHIP.”
 

Edited August 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Sales Help

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some lingerie."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Number Jokes

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: For the first time in many year...

For the first time in many years, an old man travelled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. 

 

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents." 

 

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "you're really going to enjoy yourself - we have sound now."

 

Edited August 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman wanted to call her husband ...

 

A woman wanted to call her husband on his phone but discovered that the battery on her phone was dead. So she instructed her young son to use his phone to pass an urgent message to his daddy.

 

After junior called, he told his mummy that a woman had picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried calling.

 

Angry, she waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and, upon seeing him in the driveway, rushed out and gave him a tight slap. And then another, for good measure. People in the neighbourhood saw the commotion and came out to see what would develop further.

 

Noticing the gathering of neighbours, the angry woman asked her son to tell everybody what the woman on the phone had said to him when he called.

 

Junior said: "The woman's voice said, 'The number you have dialed is currently not in service. Please try again later.'"

 

Edited August 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Jeff beckoned to a salesman in...

Jeff beckoned to a salesman in the department store, pointed to white wool designer dress on a mannequin that Eunice was admiring, and asked, "Excuse me young lady, how much is this dress?" 

 

"That dress is £899.95, Sir," sneered the rather snotty saleswoman. 
"£899.95? For £99.95 I could get the same dress at the Bargain store downtown!" 

 

"But sir," said the saleswoman, "You'll find that the dress downtown is recycled wool. This original is 100% pure virgin wool." 

 

Jeff says, "So? For £800 I should care what the lambs do at night?"

 

Edited August 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Much Time

Starting the day with a conversation between a wife and a husband who happens to be a software engineer.

Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in."

Wife: Have you brought the grocery? Husband: Bad command or filename.

Wife: But I told you in the morning Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?

Wife: What about my new TV? Husband: Variable not found ...

Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping. Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...

Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny? Husband: Too many parameters ...

Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you. Husband : Data type mismatch.

Wife: You are useless. Husband: It's by Default.

Wife: What about your salary? Husband: File in use ... Try after some time.

Wife: What is my value in the family. Husband: Unknown Virus

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost at Sea?

Yossi and Janine, an elderly couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East.
 

 

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.

 

"Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course." 

"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?" "Of course." 

"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?" 
"Oh my Goodness, I forgot to send off the cheque." 

"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"


 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Try Nursing!

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed, I tried being a writer and failed, then I tried being a sales clerk, and I failed at that too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well, I'll give it a try!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Bear

Two campers where hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. 

Both campers start running for their lives when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes. 

His partner says, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!" 

His friend replies, "I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"  
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde, worried about the HIV...

A blonde, worried about the HIV crisis, walks into a drugstore and purchases a pack of condoms.

"That will be $1.08, please," says the clerk.

"What's the 8 cents for?" asks the blonde. "It says one dollar right here on the packaging."

"Tax," replies the clerk.

"Gee," says the blonde, "I thought you just rolled them on and they stayed put."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A pregnant woman gets into a car...

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. 

Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. 

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." 

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" 

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" 

"Denise," the doctor says. 

The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" 

Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost

 

A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home.

 

"Oy Morris," said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

 

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost, I was just too tired to walk home."

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t move

 

A man is in a hospital bed completely wrapped up in a body cast.

 

One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth.

 

She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?"

 

"I hiccupped."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pneumonia

 

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold.

His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

 

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stand in the draft.

 

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

[worldangel]

Joke: A fourth

 

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work.

As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang.

 

The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

 

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

 

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely.

"In fact, three doctors are there already!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Becoming a man

 

"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctor's offfice.

"I think I'm turning into a man."

 

The doctor says, "Now hold on, little lady, what makes you think that you're turning into a man?"

"Well" said the woman "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest."

 

And then the doctor asked, "Well then, how far down your chest is your hair growing?"

And then she replied, "All the way down to my penis".

[worldangel]

Joke: Two little boys

 

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

 

The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”

Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”

The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”

The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”

The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”

 

The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Hubby& wife

 

Wife: Oh, come on.
Husband: Leave me alone!
Wife: It won’t take long.

Husband: I won’t be able to sleep afterwards.
Wife: I can’t sleep without it.
Husband: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?

Wife: Because I’m Hot.
Husband: You get hot at the darkness times.
Wife: If you love me I wouldn’t have to beg you.
Husband: If you love me you’d be more considerate.

 

Wife: You don’t love me anymore.
Husband: Yes I do, but let’s forget it for tonight.
Wife: (Sob-Sob)

Husband: Alright, I’ll do it.
Wife: What’s the matter? Need a flashlight?
Husband: I can’t find it.

Wife: Oh, for heaven’s sake, feel for it!
Husband: There! Are you satisfied?
Wife: Oh, yes, honey.

Husband: Is it up far enough?
Wife: Oh, that’s fine.
Husband: Now go to bed and from now on when you want the window open, do it yourself.

[worldangel]

Joke: A girl’s first time

 

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. 

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be. 

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. 

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. 

He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled. 

Naughty, Naughty! Excuse me, What were you thinking?

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Gay Family

 

There was this man who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"

The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."

[worldangel]

Joke: Topic on Sport

 

Three men were chatting in the pub. The topic was on sports. The Man A said: “I have four daughters, one more I can form a basketball team.”

 

The rich tycoon B said: “I have five sons, one more I can have a volleyball team.”

 

 

The third wealthy man C has no children. After some hesitation, he said: “I have 17 wives, one more I can have a golf course.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The older profession

 

A doctor, an engineer, and a politician were arguing as to which profession was older.

 

"Well," argued the doctor, "without a physician, mankind could not have survived, so I am sure that mine is the oldest profession."

 

"No," said the engineer, "before life began, there was complete chaos, and it took an engineer to create some semblance of order from this chaos. So engineering is older."

 

"But," chirped the triumphant politician, "who created the chaos?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Switchboard 

 

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Caller: I’m Sum Wan ..And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what’s this urgent matter about?

 

Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

 

Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isn’t an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I’m Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Edited August 10, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnancy advice

 

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea 

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked. 

'Actually, yes, I do.' 

'Does it hurt you?' he asked. 

'No. I rather like it.' 

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.' 

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?' 

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?

[worldangel]

Joke: Was I born? 

 

Daddy, how was I born?  Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! 

 

 

Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.

 

 

Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.

[worldangel]

Joke: Constipation problem

 

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

"It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

 

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

 

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

[worldangel]

Joke: Some good news

 

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination. "Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you."

 

The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown, not Mrs."

 

"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sanitary problems

 

A dentist is talking to his patient about the sanitary problems some of his fellow dentists were facing.

 

He said that one of his friends was touring a latex glove factory in Mexico, and saw how they make the gloves.

 

One person would stick his hand in the melted latex, walk over to a vat of cooling water, then dip his hand in it to solidify the latex.

 

The glove was then thrown in a finished products box.

The dentist's patient was disgusted by the lack of care taken in making the gloves sanitary.

 

Wanting to keep all the patients he could, the dentist didn't mention how they made condoms.

[worldangel]

Joke: An examination

 

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office.

"We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

 

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl, "It's my old aunt here."

 

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

[ouat1972]

Why is it that the Japanese have such small squinty eyes?

Because atomic bombs are very bright.