Be Happy :)

[ouat1972]

The only running exercise I've done this month is to run out of money

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad speller

 

A warthog hits this lady and the husband calls 911.

The operator asks, "Where are you at"?

The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."

The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"

"Well... I'll just drag her over to Oak so you can you pick her up there?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dropping bomb

 

A dentist a nurse and a army general are flying. 

The dentist decides to drop a tooth brush out of the plane. The nurse drops down a medical kit and the army general drops a bomb. 

They land the airplane and see what happened...

First they found a guy looking for his false teeth.

Next they found a guy bandaging his wounds.

Lastly they found a young boy laughing his head off.

They asked him what happened and he said, "My grandfather farted and blew up his house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Not enough moaning

 

Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying.

She said, "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you''re having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me?

 

I''ve always been a good wife. I''ve cooked for you, raised your children, and have always been by your side for 35 years. What haven''t I done to make you happy?"

Morris replied, "It''s true, Sadie, you''ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex."

 

Sadie said, "If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex."

They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into bed.
As they started kissing, Sadie said, "Now, Morris? Should I moan now?"

 

He said, "No, not yet."
He started to fondle her and she said, "What about now?

Should I moan now?"
He said, "No, I''ll tell you when."

He climbed on top of her and started to move on her.

She said, "Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?"
He said, "Wait, wait, I''ll tell you when."

A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to finish, he said "Now, Sadie. Moan! Moan!"

She said, "Oy, you wouldn''t believe what a day I had..."

Edited August 11, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma loves oranges

 

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

[worldangel]

Joke: Faith healer

 

Two Faith healer women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, "But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a baby in three months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, "Try going alone, next time, dearie."

[worldangel]

Joke: Leaving trails

 

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Play your age

 

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Weight issues

 

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

[worldangel]

Joke: Good dentist

 

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Boss issues

 

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Rich hooker

 

One day a man went on a business trip to Florida.

He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a hand job?"

The hooker replied "100 Bucks"

The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of got damn money"

So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving hand jobs."

So he gave her the money and received the best hand he had ever had.

The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a head job?"

She said "200 dollars"

"200 dollars that's a lot of money"

She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yacht by the pier, I paid for that yacht by giving head jobs."

So he gives her the money, and get the best head job of his life

On his last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The hand job was good, the head job was great how much for the whole package."

"1000 dollars'

"1000 dollars that's a lot of god damn money"

So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if I had a Vagina."

[worldangel]

Joke: Side effects

 

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing. ''Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.''

The doctor reassured her, ''A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?''

''On my testicles, which is something else I want to talk to you about...,'' replied the lady.

[worldangel]

Joke: Stuck in the hotel

 

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Best kept secret

 

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 'No woman,' said one man, scornfully, 'can keep a secret.'

'I don't know about that,' answered a blonde woman guest. 'I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.'

'You'll let it out some day,' the man insisted.

'I hardly think so!' responded the blonde lady. 'When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Leaving early

 

Three women all worked in the same office, with the same female boss. Each day they noticed that the boss would leave work early.
One day, the women decided, that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called, or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early.

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, played with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early to suprise her husband. But when she got to the bedroom, she heard a muffled noise coming from inside. Slowly and quietly she cracked open the door, and was mortified to see her boss in bed with her husband!

Gently she closed the door, and crept out of the house.

The next day the brunette and the redhead planned on leaving early again and asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"NO WAY," the blonde exclaimed, " I ALMOST GOT CAUGHT YESTERDAY!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Specimen

 

A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replies. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"

The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband.

 

"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat and then all hell broke loose.

Edited August 12, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: 30 Million dollars

 

Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars.

 

 

The man immediately ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the drive way, ran inside the house slammed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said "Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; "What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing or sun bathing honey!?"

"For whatever you want, just make sure you're out by the end of the week!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: K9 unit

 

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

[worldangel]

Joke: Good and bad news

 

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were
able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mommy & uncle Fred

 

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my goodness! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number.

[worldangel]

Joke: Like a frog

 

A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.

When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted.

"What for?" asked his grandpa.

"Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good fence

 

This guy goes into the local drug store to buy some comdoms. He goes up to the young girl behind the counter and asks her where they keep them. Well that depends on what size you are the yound lady replies.

Well I really don't know, I've never bought a box before. Well the girs says if you go out back you will find a fence just outside the door with three holes in it, a small, medium, and large hole. Just stick your penis in each hole and what ever hole fits best that's what size you are. O.K, I'll be right back.

Meanwhile the girl sneaks out back before the man gets there drops her pants and backs up to the small hole.

The man gets there, whips out his thing and pokes it in the small hole, takes it out and goes to the medium hole. Meanwhile the girls also backs up to the medium hole, then to the large hole at the same time the man tries out each size.

After the man finishes, he zips up and returns to the cash, where he finds the young girl already there. Did you find out what size you are? She asks him. No the man replies, but I would like to buy 12 feet of that fence!

[worldangel]

Joke: How do you feel?

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just shit my pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: Circle flies 

 

It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motorist for speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing around his head, annoying him considerably.

"Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?" says the motorist.

"Yeah," says the patrolman, "if that's what these are, you're sure right. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?"

"Well," the motorist responds, "circle flies are a species of fly that are particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circle around a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies."

The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, "You don't say. Well, that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying to call me a horse's ass. You wouldn't be making that kind of implication about an officer of the law, would you?"

"Oh, no sir!" responds the motorist. "No, sir, not at all. I have the utmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream of implying that one of them was a horse's ass. No, sir, I'm terribly sorry if that's how it sounded."

"Yeah, I didn't think so," replied the patrolman.

"Yeah," the motorist continued, "but there's just no fooling those circle flies, is there?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Crazy

 

There's a traveling salesman driving one night in a horrible storm. His car breaks down and he's out in the country. He walks to a house that didn't have any lights on so he peaked in the window.

All of a sudden the woman wakes up and grabs her tit in one hand and the alarm clock in the other and starts shaking them. A few seconds later her husband wakes up and starts jacking off and pouring water on his head.

The salesman thought these people were crazy so he decided to find another house to ask for help. When he arrived at the neighbour’s house, the salesman said "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm a traveling salesman, it's pouring down rain and my car broke down. I stopped at your neighbour’s house but those people are crazy!"

" What do you mean?" the neighbour asked.

The salesman explained that he had peaked in the window and saw the woman wake up, grab her tit in one hand and the alarm clock in the other and started shaking them, and then her husband woke up and started jacking off and pouring water on his head.

"Those people are crazy!".

"No", the neighbour said, "they are both deaf and dumb."

"What do you mean?" the salesman asked.

The neighbour said, "She was telling her husband "get up it's time to milk the cows".

Her husband replied, "Fuck you, it's raining!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t stop

 

There are three men in the woods. They are hunter, trapper, and stupid guy. Hunter goes out and comes back an hour later with a bear. Trapper asks "how did you get that?" Hunter says me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find bear, me shoot bear, bear stop."

 

Trapper goes out and comes back an hour later with a deer. Stupid guy asks "how did you get that?" Trapper says" me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find deer, me shoot dear, dear stop."

 

Stupid guy goes out and comes back two hours later bruised and nearly dead with broken limbs. Hunter and trapper ask "What happened to you?" Stupid guy says "me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find train, me shoot train, train don't stop."

Edited August 12, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Red shirt

 

There's a captain and his crew, and they always won naval battles. One day, a sailor called out "Cap'! 10 ships approaching!" The Captain replied "Get me my red shirt!" They did, he put it on, and they won the battle.

Later, a sailor called "Cap'! 20 ships!" "Get me my red shirt!" They did, and they won after he wore it

Later, 50 ships attacked, they got their captain his red shirt, and they won

Then one day a sailor asked "Captain, why do you wear that red shirt?" "If I get shot and bleed, you won't see my blood and keep fighting for me" said the captain

Later...

Sailor: "Captain! 220000 ships!"
Captain: "What!? Get me my brown pants!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Old age

 

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Infrequently

 

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their sexual relationship...

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Are my testicles black?

 

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

 

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting overpaid

 

An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check…

 

Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.

 

 

Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!

 

 

Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!

 

Edited August 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Homework

 

PUPIL – “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”

 

TEACHER – “Of course not.”

 

PUPIL – “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Five Pick-up lines comeback

 

Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before?

Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

 

 

Man – Can I buy you a drink?

Woman – I think I’d rather have the money!

 

 

Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday?

Woman –  Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.

 

 

Man –  Is this seat empty?

Woman –  Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

 

Man –  So what do you do for a living?

Woman –  I’m a female impersonator.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Local secretary

 

Bernice had been employed at the same office for over 50 years and was the boss’s top secretary. Everyone was jealous of her. Every day when Bernice showed up for work she would open the drawer to her left, peek inside, and then lock it.

 

 

When she finally died, her co-worker Sandy, who was dying of curiosity, made it her mission to figure out what was in that drawer. After days of searching she finally found the key. Sweating with excitement she slowly opened up the drawer. Inside was a folded piece of paper. Slowly she reached inside and took it out, while cautiously looking over her shoulder.

 

 

After a few seconds of trepidation she opened it up. It said the following “Put only one spoonful of sugar in the boss’s coffee.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Raise

 

Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”

 

 

After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”

 

 

“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mean boss

 

The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries. Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.

 

 

The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted. The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!”

 

 

Immediately her wish too, was granted. Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet brush

 

Lauren was frustrated. She had complained dozens of times to her daughter about her newest gag of kissing the bathroom mirror immediately after applying lipstick, but it was all to no avail.

 

 

Finally, one day after spending a half hour scrubbing the mirror, only to find another kiss mark an hour later, Lauren had enough. “Lizzy!” she hollered, “What?” came her daughter’s reply through her bedroom door. I can’t find the toilet brush that I’ve been using to clean the bathroom mirror.

 

 

Do you have any idea where it is?” After hearing the gagging from behind the bedroom door, Lauren knew her days of cleaning kiss marks off of mirrors were over.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Beautiful stone

 

A presser in a tailor shop arrived one morning wearing a good sized diamond ring. One of the tailors noticed the sparkler and asked about it.

 

 

“My mother-in-law gave me a thousand dollars before she passed away. She said that when she dies, I should buy a beautiful stone. So I did!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart mother-in-law

 

So David is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. “Ma”, he said to his Mother, “I’m going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance.”

 

 

Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him.

 

“It’s that one”, said his mother, without blinking an eye.  “Holy cow”, exclaimed David, “how in the world did you know it was her?” “I just don’t like her”, she replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic show

 

I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, “wow, how did you do that.” I would tell you”, answered the magician predictably, “but then I’d have to kill you.”

 

 

After a moment’s pause the same voice screamed out “can you tell my mother in law?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Day-off

 

Office executive – Sir, can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?

 

 

Boss – Certainly not!

 

 

Office executive – Thank you so much sir! I knew you would be understanding.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The cemetery plot

 

A constantly nagged and harried son-in-law decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a birth day present. The next birth day came but this year he didn’t buy her a gift.

 

The mother-in-law was upset and asked the son-in-law why was he had forgotten this time. The angry son-in-law responded, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The real mother-in-law

 

Once, two ladies came before King Solomon, fighting over a boy.

 

 

“He’s my son-in law” one said “No he’s mine” countered the other. After thinking for a few minutes the King finally decided on a ruling. “Bring me my sword and we will cut the boy in half, they will each get half.”

 

 

“No” the first lady screamed “don’t cut him in half I would rather the second lady get the whole son-in-law.”

 

Ah Hah said King Solomon with a big smile I now know who is the real mother-in-law. For a only the real mother-in-law would stand quietly while her son-in-law gets cut in half.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: About getting older

 

“Sugar, why don’t you sit down by the table and we’ll start supper” said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years.

 

“Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down. “Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” questioned Dorothy.

 

 

“Umm I guess I’ll take the soup” he responded. After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldn’t contain his curiosity any longer.

 

 

Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?” “Bob, I’ll be honest with you,” Dorothy replied.

 

 

“It’s been five years now, I just can’t remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The internet what is that?

 

“C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.

 

“Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?” “Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained.

 

 

“OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her. My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type, how is Gertrude doing this morning?

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma

 

“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane.

 

 

“It’s so nice to meet you! I’m flying to New York for my grandson’s third birthday. I’m so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumb kin and now he’s already three!  It’s really hard to believe. He’s the most adorable thing you’ve ever seen! You know what?  Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me.  

 

Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isn’t he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day.

 

 

Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone!  He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.”

 

 

After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much.

 

 

“You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me .. what do you think about my Grandson!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Aging

 

One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.

 

 

“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John. “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked John.

 

 

“He’s 81 and is more active than ever. He just joined the neighbourhood basketball team!” responded John. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”

 

 

“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”

 

 

“Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding

 

 

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.

She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up.

 

 

“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.” “Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie…

 

 

Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

 

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.

 

 

“Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him. “Ma’am, stand back!”

 

 

He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Peanut

 

Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home. Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring, the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table.

 

 

“Thank you”, said the nominee after being offered more for the 3rd time, “why don’t you have some yourself?” “Oh, I can’t eat it” said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.”   “So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee.

 

 

“Oh, I like the chocolate around it” was the glib reply.