Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Fatty

 

There were no two ways about it.  Rosie was fat.  Very fat.  “Martha”, said Rosie to her best friend, “it was terrible what happened yesterday after the birthday party. You know how half of the birthday cake was left over?

 

 

Well, I knew Bob would be fuming at me for eating it, with my diet and all, but I couldn’t help myself, it started with just a small nibble and before I knew it the whole cake was gone!.”

 

 “Oh my!” clucked Martha, “was Bob really upset?” “He never found it”, responded Rosie with a full double chin smile, “I just baked another cake and ate half of it!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Feeling pregnant

 

“Ok everyone,” said the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.” “We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap.

 

“This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?” “I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on.  

 

“This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.” “You want me to pick it up?”  he said hesitantly,  “just as I would if I was pregnant?”

 

“Yes!” said the instructor. “Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Burglar

 

Max was caught red handed by a police officer in the very act of burglarizing a store. He was quickly brought to trial. “How do you plead? asked the judge.

 

 

“Your honour,” answered Max, “before I plead guilty or not guilty I ask that the court kindly appoint a lawyer to defend me.”

 

 

“Max you were caught in the actual commission of a crime. What could any lawyer possibly say in your defence?” That’s exactly my point, your honour,” said Max. “I’m curious also to hear what he could possibly say!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How a lawyer bills?

 

A doctor and a lawyer were both at a reception. The lawyer noticed that people were constantly coming over to the doctor. “Why are so many people coming over to you?” asked the lawyer.

 

 

“It’s terrible,” sighed the doctor, “ever since I became a doctor I don’t have a moments peace, people are constantly coming over to me for medical advice.” “I’ll tell you what I do,” said the lawyer with a sneer , “I send them a bill in the mail.”

 

 

The doctor agreed with the lawyer that this was a good solution. The next day upon mailing the bills he was surprised to see a letter from the lawyer, he was even more surprised when he opened it………….it was a bill!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: LOL

 

John angrily looked at the text he had just received from his Mom.  It read: “Professor called to say you failed the course.  LOL.  Mom. ”  How could he have failed?!

 

 … And all his Mom has to say is that she’s Laughing Out Loud?!  Fed up, he text-ed his Mom: “What was up with the LOL?” His text said.   “I just wanted to send you Lot’s Of Love because I know how disappointed you must be.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad date

 

“Hi Sarah, listen I only have a minute.  I’m about to get picked up for a blind date, can you call me in a half hour just in case it’s going bad? Yes? Ok great! We’ll speak.”

 

 

Raquel gave herself a quick spray of perfume, checked herself out one more time in the mirror, and headed outside to wait for the guy. Sure enough after twenty minutes Raquel was discreetly checking her watch. 

 

After ten more long minutes her phone finally buzzed. Raquel listened for a few seconds, grimly pursed her lips, and turned to her date, “I feel terrible, but my Grandmother is terribly sick, and I must go home now .” “No problem!” said her date with a big grin, “in a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: First date

 

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.

He Walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her.

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

And what happened then? Asked Jeff.

"I kicked her in the face."

[worldangel]

Joke: Exercise

 

At the urging of Harry’s wife and doctor, 50 year old Harry finally made it to the gym. After consulting with one of the trainers, Harry decided to try out a steep treadmill.

 

 

“Ok”, said the trainer “I’m going to set it for ten minutes, if you want to go longer just press start again.” At first Harry was doing fine but after 5 seconds he started getting tired, and after a minute he jumped off gasping for breath. Walking to the side to sit down, he passed by a friend of his.

 

 

“Man”, said Harry. “I could barely last a full minute on that treadmill.” “Alright, alright”, said his buddy, “no reason to brag!” Rate this Joke!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A honest what?

 

A little boy was in a cemetery with his mother “Mommy” the boy asked , “do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”

 

 

“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said, Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The honest lawyer

 

The city miser was on his death bed, as his last request he asked to be alone with his lawyer, doctor, and priest. “I know I am going to die” he said ” and I would like to take my money with me, so I am going to give each of you $150,000 and I want you to each make sure the money gets in the coffin.”

 

 

It was a few days after the funeral when the priest over flowing with guilt finally confided to the other two that he only put $100,000 back. “I’m glad you brought it up” said the doctor, “because I have also been feeling guilty, I only put $80,000 back.”

 

 

“You people should be ashamed of yourselves” stormed the lawyer “stealing money like that, am I the only honest person here? Here look at this” he said pulling out his check book, “look I wrote out a check for the full $150,000!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Appeal

 

It was a Tuesday when the judge passed a verdict against a certain lawyer’s client. On Wednesday the lawyer rushed into the judge’s chambers.

 

 

”Your honour, I just found out new information and I would like to file an appeal.” “What did you find out?” asked the judge.

 

 

After a few moments of silence the lawyer responded “well I found out my client has another $5,000 dollars.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Writing a will

 

A man hears from a doctor that his end is near so he heads over to a lawyer to write a will.  

 

The secretary watches as the man walks into the Lawyer’s office and as three minutes later the man walks off in a huff.  

 

“Can I help you?” asks the secretary, dashing after the obviously upset man. “HELP ME? THIS GUY IS CRAZY! I asked him to help me write a will and he says to me:  ‘sure, let me just ask you a few questions and then leave it all to me.’  

 

“I’ve heard before how lawyers are dishonest but this just takes the cake!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearing aid

 

After much nagging from his wife, Sam was visiting the audiologist. Yes, he would need hearing aids and they ranged in price from $10.00 to $2,000, was what he was told. “I’ll try the $10.00 pair” Sam said.

 

 

The nurse placed the hearing aids into his ears and hung a wire around his neck. “Does the wire really have to be around my neck?” asked Sam.

 

 

“Why of course!” replied the nurse. “You think these things in your ears do anything?! It’s the wire around your neck – it makes people talk louder!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too old to date

 

The neighbours thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again.  

 

One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night.  It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was.  He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember.

 

 

Morton picked up the phone and dialled.  “Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?”

 

 

“Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The parrot

 

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

 

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

 

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

 

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubba & Junior

 

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

 

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

 

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde! We ask for the height, and she gives us the length!"

Edited August 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Ashes to ashes

 

A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.

 

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

 

Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."

[worldangel]

Joke: Golden anniversary

 

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit.

He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well"...explained the husband..."it all goes all the way back to our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

He continues..."well now, we hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled, she quietly said...that's once."

"We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and my wife quietly spoke...that's twice."

"You know, that mule hadn't gone a half-mile when it stumbled a third time."

My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to me and quietly said...that's once."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ohh crap

 

Three friends were backpacking through Europe and found out about a magical mountain near the coast, so they decided to check it out.

When they finally reached the top of the mountain they saw a man jump straight off the edge and screamed that he wanted to be an eagle then poof he turned into an eagle and flew away.

After seeing that the three friends got really excited and decided to go for it.

The first thought for a second and then dashed straight off and yelled "I want to be a hawk" then poof he turned into a hawk and flew away. The second friend thought for a second and finally decided and jumped off and yelled "I want to be a a mountain goat" then poof he turned into a mountain goat and ran away. The third friend thought about for a long while and then finally decided, he ran as fast as he could ready to jump but then slipped on loose rocks and fell off the yelling "ohh crrraaappp" SPLAT!

[worldangel]

Joke: Three doctors

 

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."

[worldangel]

Joke: Which syndrome?

 

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

One of the students said to his friend:"I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome - those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome, he walks just like we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't ignore the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said: "I'll tell you but first you'll tell me what you think."

Then one of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

And the old man said: "you thought, but you're wrong."

So they asked him: "so what do you have?"

And the old man said: "I thought I needed to fart. I thought, but was wrong."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ugly

 

Nellie, shopping at her local supermarket, selects a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon and a quart of orange juice.

A drunk standing behind her, watches as she places the items in front of the cashier.

He says to her..."you must be single."

The woman, startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her four items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her items, she says..."well, you're correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk staggers as he puts his beer in front of the same cashier and says..."cause you're ugly!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog fart

 

A guy goes to pick up his date for the evening. She's not ready yet, so he has to sit in the living room with her parents. He has a bad case of gas and really needs to relieve some pressure.

Then, the family dog jumps up on the couch next to him. He decides that he can let a little fart out and if anyone notices they will think that the dog did it.

He farts, and the woman yells, "Spot, get down from there."

The guy thinks, "Great, they think the dog did it." He releases another fart, and the woman again yells for the dog to get down. This goes on for a couple more farts.

Finally the woman yells, "Dammit Spot, get down before he shits on you."

Edited August 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Health inspection

 

The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.

 

Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit.

 

 

Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

"That's nothing," said the manager, "you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

Edited August 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The crow story

 

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"

The crow answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubba

 

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

 

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

 

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost.

His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Chairman of the board

 

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

 

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

 

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

Edited August 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary

 

My husband and I were sitting at a table at my 20th anniversary secondary school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.

 

My husband asked: "Do you know him?"

 

"Yes," I sighed. "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

 

"My goodness!" says my husband. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The BDC

 

A man wants to join the Big Dick Club, and heads down to the club to apply. The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly.

 

To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame. On the way out, he runs into the janitor, who asks him what's wrong. After he explains, he says to the man not to worry. 

 

"See that lump in my sock?" The man nods. "And I'm just the janitor."

Edited August 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Pig! Pig!

 

The other day on a ride, I was speeding down a narrow, twisting, mountain road. Then along comes a man who was driving very slowly uphill toward me, honking his horn and shouting at me.

 

"PIG! PIG!!" he yelled. "PIG! PIG!!"

So I flipped him the finger and shouted back some things I dare not repeat as I buzzed by him.

 

Still thinking about this awful man and his shouting, I turned the corner and promptly collided with a pig.

Edited August 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A Tough Climb on a Tandem

 

Jack and Jill have just climbed Le Alp de Huez, one of the steepest peaks in the Alps on their tandem.

 

"Phew, that was a tough climb" said Jill, leaning over, breathing hard. "That climb was so hard, and we were going so slow, I thought we were never going to make it."

 

"Yeah, good thing I kept the brakes on," said Jack, "or we'd have slid all the way back down!"

Edited August 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Problem Dog

 

"I've really had it with my dog," said the first guy to his neighbor. "He'll chase anyone on a bicycle"

 

"Hmmm, that is a problem," said the neighbor. "What are you thinking of doing about it?"

 

"Guess the only answer is to confiscate his bike!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Cyclist in Heaven

 

A very devout cyclist dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter meets him at the gate. First thing the cyclist asked is if there are bicycles in heaven.

 

"Sure," says St. Peter, "let me show you," and he leads the guy into the finest Velodrome you can imagine.

 

"This is great," the cyclist says.

 

"It certainly is," says St. Peter. "You will have a custom bike and the best cycling clothes you've ever seen, and your personal masseuse will always available."

 

As they speak a blur streaks by them on the boards riding a gold plated bike.

 

"Wow!" the cyclist exclaims. "That guy was so fast that can only be Lance Armstrong!"

 

"No," says St. Peter, "that was the Almighty on the bike, he only thinks he's Lance".

Edited August 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pedestrian and the Cyclist

 

A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking one day and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist.

 

"You were really lucky there," said the cyclist.

 

"What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head.

 

"Well, usually I drive a bus!" the cyclist replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: The horny husband’s plot

 

 

A husband feeling a bit horny goes to the bathroom and returns with 4 aspirin and a glass of water for his wife. 

He says, "Here honey, here are some aspirin and a some water."

She replied, "but honey I do not have a headache!" 

He replied, "Thank God!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Nerds on a Tandem

 

Two nerds are riding along on a tandem, when suddenly, the one on the front slams on the brakes, gets off and starts letting air out of the tires.

 

The one on the back says: "HEY! What are you doing that for!?"

 

The first nerd says, "My seat was too high and was hurting my butt. I wanted to lower it a bit."

So the one in the back has had enough. He jumps off, loosens his own seat and spins it round to face the other direction.

 

Now it's the first guy's turn to wonder what's going on. "What are you doing?" he asks his friend.

"Look mate," says the rider in the back, "if you're going to do stupid stuff like that, I'm going home!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Going Deaf

 

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.

 

"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.

 

"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."

 

"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Nerd and His New Bike

 

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle.

 

The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, "WOW! Where did you get such a nice bike?"

 

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

 

The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Edited August 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The search of perfect penis

 

A four-year-old boy asked his friend what a penis was. His friend's response was that he did not know and he would ask his dad.

 

That evening the second boy asked his dad. His dad gladly exposed himself to his son and with his penis in hand said, "Son this is a penis. In fact, if you take a good look you will see this is a perfect penis." 

 

The next day the second five year old boy met the first five year old boy and called him behind a hedge. 

 

The boy exposed himself and said, "This is a penis. In fact, if it were three inches shorter it would be a perfect penis!

Edited August 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Picking fruit

 

Two guys sneak into a farmer's fruit garden and start eating the fruit. The farmer sees them and comes out with a shotgun. "Since you guys like fruit so much go pick 100 of which ever fruit you want," said the farmer. 

 

The first guy decides to pick grapes. When he gets 100 he goes back to the farmer. 

 
The farmer says, "now shove em' all up your ass." 

 

The guy gets all 100 up his ass. He feels really bad, but then e starts to laugh.

"Why you laughing?" asked the farmer. 

 

To which the man replied, "My friend is out picking watermelons!"

Edited August 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: An interrupted journey

 

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and sneaked him on board the airplane.

 

About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. "Are you okay, sir?" asked the stewardess

 

"Yes, I'm fine," said the man. 

 

Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. "Are you sure you're alright sir?"

 

"Yes," said the man, "but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants."

 

"What's wrong?" asked the stewardess. "Is he not house trained?"

 

"No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!"

Edited August 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Check please

 

A travelling salesman was about to check in at a hotel when he noticed a very charming bit of femininity giving him the eye. In a causal manner he walked over and spoke to her as though he had known her all his life. Both walked back to the desk and registered as Mr. and Mrs. 

 

After a three-day stay he walked up to the desk and informed the clerk that he was checking out. The clerk presented him with his bill for $1600.

 

"There is a mistake here," he protested. "I have been here only three days."

 

"Yes," replied the clerk, "But your wife has been here a month."

Edited August 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Always Read the Label

 

One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

 

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

 

"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

 

He yelled back, "Texas A & M."

[worldangel]

Joke: Never Judge Your Neighbour's Laundry Skills

 

A young couple moved into a new neighbourhood.

 

The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging her laundry outside.

“That laundry is not very clean,” she says. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”

 

Her husband looked on, but remained silent.

Every time her neighbour would hang her laundry to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.

 

About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder how that happened?”

 

The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Give me the broom

 

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

 

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

 

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager.

 

 "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Edited August 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Hand-lick manoever

 

A woman goes into a restaurant in a small southern town out in the country. She orders the fried chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she chokes on a chicken bone.

 

Well, these two country boys in the next booth notice she is choking, and they get up and go over to help her. The first country boy drops his coveralls and bends over, and the second country boy starts licking his asshole.

 

She pukes all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. The country boy pulls his coveralls back up and says to the other excitedly, "You're right Billy Bob, that Hind-Lick Maneuver works like a charm."

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Not the Detergent That Gets You

 

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.

 

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my frog."

 

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your frog. It's very powerful and if you wash your frog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

 

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his frog.

 

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his frog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

 

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the frog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your frog."

 

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

 

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bob, the athletic sperm

 

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights all the other sperms asked him one day, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"

 

Bob replied, with a smirk, "well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there". 

 

The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back. 

 

The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "back up boys it's a BLOW JOB!"

Edited August 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A lesson that always …..

 

 

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boy’s game and girls can't have one!"

 

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah". 

 

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boy’s bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boy’s bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!" 

 

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?" 

 

So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

 

Edited August 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Decision, decision

 

 

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money. 

 

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed. 

 

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed. 

 

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed. 

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

Edited August 19, 2015 by worldangel