Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The chicken and the egg

 

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.

The egg mutters "Well I guess that answers that riddle".

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis Shoes

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell. 

 

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!" 

 

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"  
 

Edited August 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Stress

You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress.  In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future new born.

 

 

You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already. You require for a DNR analysis and they make it. Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile.

 

 

This is a stress, combined with a relief. On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.

[worldangel]

Joke: Brazilian style

 

In the evening in bed a man approaches his wife. She tries to get away, complaining having a headache. A man asks:

 

- Darling, maybe let’s do IT the Brazilian style?
Wife gets interested: ok!

 

The husband does IT the same way as always, and after sex turns away and is about to fall asleep.

 

The wife: 

- Honey, and what’s Brazilian about this?
- Oh, really… Cha-cha-cha!
 

Edited August 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Three daughters

 

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going. 

 

The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.  

 

The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter.

 

The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for the week – nothing. A week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". 

 

Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was afraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!"

Edited August 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The choice

 

During a blind date, as a man and a woman were filling each other in on their pasts, the man said, "A genie once gave me the option of having a longer penis or better memory".

 

"And which did you choose?" the woman asked.

A man replied "I don't remember".

Edited August 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Jury fixing

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out

for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Stormy Sea

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray." 

"Good," said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets. We're one short."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Internet

 

TECH: Hello, Friendly Internet. May I help you?

CUSTOMER: Oh, hello young man. I was wondering if you offer online banking?

 

TECH: We're an Internet service provider, ma'am. You can certainly use our service to connect to online banking.

CUSTOMER: What do I need to do that?

 

TECH: You just need the modem in your computer. That plugs into a phone jack. Sign up for an account, and sign up for online banking with your bank.

CUSTOMER: But where does the money come out?

 

TECH: I'm not sure I understand?

CUSTOMER: You know...Does the money come out from that slot on the computer?

[worldangel]

Joke: Flying lessons

 

A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze. 

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to a nearby airport where a plane would be waiting for him. 

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air. 

The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures." 

"Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded, "and photographers take photographs." 

The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Business trip

 

One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. 

Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. 

Responses are still pouring in asking, "What trip?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: The fire

 

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. 

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. 

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes." 

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot. 

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" 

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good advice

 

I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level. 

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! 

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. 

Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. 

"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands." 

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked. 

"It makes your pecker look bigger." 

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it? 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pilot choice

 

As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

 

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. 

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. 

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve. 

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?" 

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."

[worldangel]

Joke: On a lonely island

 

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely... 

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating. 

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it." 

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Valentine card

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. 

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" 

"But why?'' asks the man. 

"I'm a divorce lawyer." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Railroad

 

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises. 

After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?" 

The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[worldangel]

Joke: Stranded on a desert island

 

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" 

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love." 

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest

 

An investment counsellor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers. 

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?" 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" 

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lab rats

 

At a recent convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that we have switched from rats to lawyers for experiments in our lab?" 

"Really?" replied the other researcher. "Why the switch?" 

"There were a number of reasons," the first researcher explained. "First, our lab assistants don't become so attached to them. Second, lawyers breed much quicker, making them far more plentiful. Third, animal rights groups have no objection to their torture and fourth, there are some things even a rat won't do." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer at Pearly Gates

 

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. 

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" 

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. 

After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that their is no mistake my son... 

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108 years old!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer at Pearly Gates

 

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. 

St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. "I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" 

St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. 

After investigating, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that their is no mistake my son... 

We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108 years old!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chiropractor

 

A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for a play. Suddenly, he felt the hands of the man behind him, kneading into his back. He turned and gave the man a stern look, and the kneading stopped. But a few minutes later, he again felt the man's hands on his back. 

"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back?" 

"I'm a chiropractor," the man replied, "and I sometimes I can't keep myself from practicing my skills." 

"Get control of yourself," the lawyer shot back. "I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guess who?

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. 

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" 

"But why?" asks the man. 

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cigars

 

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." 

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help, if I send the judge a box of cigars?" 

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. Infact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." 

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" 

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." 

"But, I did send them." 

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. 

"Yes. That's how we won the case." 

"I don't understand," said the lawyer. 

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

Edited August 20, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Where’s you get that?

 

A guy walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his forehead.

 

Astonished, the bartender shouts "wow, where'd you get that!!?

 

The frog says, "I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!

 

Joke: What’s the difference?

 

Q: What's the difference between women and computers?

A. Women don't accept 3 and half-inch floppies

[worldangel]

Joke: New dance moves

 

The pretty young woman was a little taken aback at her first visit to the Cheetah in N.Y. City.

After watching the wildly gyrating couples doing the grind and the new disco-steps, she declined her escort’s invitation to join them on the dance floor.

“Come on,” pleaded the young man. “You can do it.”

“I know I can,” the young woman replied, “but not standing up!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Just water

 

A minister is driving down to Boston and he’s stopped in Manchester for speeding. 

The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and sees an empty bottle on the floor. 

He asks, “Sir, have you been drinking?” And the minister says, “Just water.” 

The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” 

The minister looks down at the bottle and says, “Good Lord, he’s done it again!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Painting session

 

A chili day in October a man was on a ladder painting his trees stand for the up coming hunting season.

As the man was painting another hunter came through the woods and walked directly under the ladder in which the man was painting on.

Bumping the ladder as the hunter passed a can of paint came crashing down towards the hunter below.

The man on the ladder suddenly shouted, " QUACK,QUACK, GOBBLE GOBBLE!"

The can of paint hit the hunter below covering him in green paint.

The hunter furiously yelled at the man. " Why didn’t you worn me? "

the Man Replied, " I did, I told you to duck, turkey!

[worldangel]

Joke: Work gripes

 

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a 'rush job,' run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

[worldangel]

Joke: First date

 

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar.

He Walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her.

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".

"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."

And what happened then? Asked Jeff.

"I kicked her in the face."

[worldangel]

Joke: The kind lawyer

 

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. 

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. 

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied. 

"Oh, come along with me then." 
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!" 

 

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man. 

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered. 
"Bring them as well!" 

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." 

 

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!" 

Edited August 21, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Shirt pocket

 

A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini. 

Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." 

The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Brand new jag

 

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.

As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag.

The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.

His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

I can't believe how materialistic you high rolling' lawyers are, he said. You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.

How can you say such a thing? asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, didn’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

OH MY goodness, screamed the lawyer, My Rolex!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: The doctor’s clinic

 

A Woman at the doctor’s clinic is being examined. The doctor listened to her chest with his stethoscope and said "Nice big breaths." 

She responded "Thank you Doctor, but I wish you could have seen them when I was younger!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Got a prescription

 

A man walks in a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for Viagra

The pharmacist asked, "Do you have a prescription?"

The man said "No but I can show you a picture of my wife."

[worldangel]

Joke: A long way to go

 

Two sperms are swimming along after being ejaculated, one turns to the other and says "I’m exhausted, how much further to the egg?"

the other replies... “We’ve got a long way to go yet, we've just past the tonsils

[worldangel]

Joke: Funeral service

 

A lawyer’s wife died and at the funeral service, people were appalled to see that the tombstone read, Here Lies Kate, wife of Attorney J. Smith, Specializes in Divorce and Malpractice.

After the burial, Smith burst into tears.

His brother said, “You should cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Smith said, “You don’t understand. I’m crying because they forgot to include the phone number.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer’s brain

 

A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: 

"How much for Engineer brain?" 

"3 dollars an ounce." 

"How much for other generic profession brain?" 

"4 dollars an ounce." 

"How much for lawyer brain?" 

"100 dollars an ounce." 

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?" 

"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

[clementi]

Joke: Girl friend

 

“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!”

 

“Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?” “Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!”

 

“Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!” “A car? asked Dan. “Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Snail

 

Tom’s wife was hosting a dinner party for some of her close friends, at their summer home. Moment’s before the guests were scheduled to arrive, she asked Tom if he would be ever so gracious to walk a block down to the beach to pick up some fresh snails for the party. On his way to the beach he passed the local bar, and figured he’d stop in for a quick drink before heading down to the beach to search for the snails.

 

One drink lead to the next, and before he knew it, it was 5:00 in the morning and he hadn’t gotten his wife those snails. Quickly he hurried down to the beach, picked up a few snails, rushed home, and stumbled up the front steps, dropping the snails. At that moment, his wife angrily opened the door asking him where he had been and how he had ruined her party. Tom, looked towards the snails and said “C’mon you slow pokes! Just a few more steps and we’re there!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Sales Associate

 

Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help. “Can I help you?” she asks.

 

"Well I don’t know” the man responds “I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”


 

[clementi]

Joke: Bar excuse

 

Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar. Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him. “So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him.

 

“Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.” “OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”

 

Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?” “See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!“

 

[clementi]

Joke: The man of the house

 

A man was married to a woman whose commands to her husband were as sharp as the bite of a barracuda. It wasn’t so much that he was a coward, or too timid to talk back, but you know how it is…let’s keep peace in the family.

 

One day the wife invited a group from the local women’s club to her house for tea and discussions. To make sure that her husband did not interrupt the goings-on, she ordered him into the closet and sternly told him to stay there until the last lady had left. During their bridge game, the ladies of the club spoke of the authority they wielded over respective husbands.

 

Not to be outdone, the hostess informed the others that not only had she ordered her husband into the closet, but she could order him to come out, at will. “I’ll prove it,” she boasted. “Bob!” she commanded, “come out of that closet!” No response. “Bob!” she called in a louder voice, “come out of that closet this instant!” Nothing. “Bob!” she screamed at the top of her lungs, “I order you to get out of that closet this instant!”

 

“No, I won’t!” came her husband’s muffled cry from inside the closet. “I’ll show you who’s boss in this house!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Son-in-law

 

Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire. When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office. “So tell me,” said Sam, sitting the young man down. “What are your plans for the future?” “Well”, said the Groom.

 

“I plan on studying holy works all of my life.” “And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day?” questioned Sam. “I am sure The Lord will provide.” answered the young man. “And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?” “The Lord will provide” answered the young man again. “How did it go?” asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking.

 

“It went great” Sam replied. “I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!”


 

[clementi]

Joke: Drunk driving

 

Brian was pulled over for speeding, and as the cop approached his car, he noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat right next to him. “Sir,” said the cop, motioning to the paraphernalia.

 

“Can I ask why you have that stuff in the car? ” “Well officer,” said Brian, “it’s quite simple, I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!”

 

The cop, clearly not believing him, insisted that he come over to the side of the road and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true.

 

Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife, “Suzie, am I glad I finally  gave up drinking!  Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?!”

[clementi]

Joke: Speeding ticket

 

So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.

 

A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?” She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”

 

“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.

 

“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse. He squints warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbles. “Can I see the registration to this car?” She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.

 

“Ma’am, stand back!” He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Drunk driving

Jim’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

“Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.”

“Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Can’t do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because I’m drunk!”

[clementi]

Joke: Late

I was upset but not too surprised when I saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. “I’m terribly sorry officer” I said “I was just trying to make it to a meeting on time.”

“That’s a shame” the officer said upon handing me my ticket, “what time is the meeting called for?” “Three o’clock” I said. The officer looked at his watch, “you could probably still make it if you hurry up!”

[clementi]

Joke: Restaurant special

John was starving!! He was stuck in a small hick town, lost and hungry. He was happy when he saw a small restaurant coming up on his right. John quickly pulled over, parked his car, and walked inside.

John noticed a blackboard with a sign written in yellow chalk, “Today’s Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chicken and Grilled Vegetables.” “I’ll take the special”, said John to the waiter when he came to take his order. A few minutes after receiving his order John called over the waiter, he was fuming mad. “IS THIS THE SPECIAL!? It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY AREN’T GRILLED THEY ARE BAKED!? And it says fried chicken, AND THE CHICKEN ISN’T FRIED!?

The waiter was not used to city folks and their attitudes and frankly he was not going to put up with this behavior. “My dear man,” said the waiter looking down at John over his glasses, “that is what makes it so special!!!”