Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Inheritance

Brian walked into work and saw his coworker looking particularly sour. “Hey what’s wrong buddy?” His friend looked up with a forlorn expression on his face.

“You remember last month how my Grandmother’s sister passed on and left me $2,000?” “Yes,” said Brian nodding his head. “And you remember how the month before that her brother passed on and left me $5000? “Uh huh” said Brian again.

“Well this month is almost over,” said the coworker with a wave of his hand “and………………..NOTHING!”

[clementi]

Joke: Friendly politician

 

As a popular local politician I always try to help out whenever I can. So that’s how it came to be that when a fellow came up to me in a hotel lobby the other day and asked me for a small favor I was more then happy to oblige.

 

“Hi,” said the fellow, introducing himself as Bob Smith. “I’m having a very important business meeting in a few minutes, and it’s very important that I impress them . If you can just come over during our meeting and say hello I would be forever indebted to you!” So that’s how a few minutes later, I found myself walking over to the fellow with a big smile on my face, “Hi Bob!” I said.

 

“I barely got the words out of my mouth when Bob looked up with an annoyed expression, “DON’T BOTHER ME NOW CHRIS. CAN’T YOU SEE I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF AN IMPORTANT MEETING?!

 

[clementi]

 

Joke: Salad dressing

 

“You name it, we’ll make it!” Was the big sign outside the new restaurant on 13th Avenue. “There is no food we can’t make for you!” “Excuse me sir”, said a man with a heavy Russian accent to the waiter, “I vould like please, A Garden Salad vith Russian dressing.” “RUSSIAN DRESSING?!

 

Screamed the head cook, “I’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF RUSSIAN DRESSING! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO GIVE THIS GUY? “Don’t worry,” said the owner to the cook, “I’ll take care of everything, you just make the salad.”

 

And that’s how it happened that two minutes later the waiter walked out with a big Garden Salad and a picture of a Russian man putting on his pants.
 

[clementi]

Joke: Tie

 

On the day of my big job interview I woke up late. Frantically I threw on a suit. “OH NO!” I thought. “MY TIE! My Dad was out of town and wasn’t there to help me, and for the life of me I did not know how to tie a tie! I grabbed a tie and ran out the door.

 

“Excuse me sir,” I said to the crossing guard, “I have an important job interview, can you please help me make this tie?!” “Sure” said the guard, “just lie down on this bench.”

 

Well if someone was going to help me I wasn’t going to ask any questions. After he finished and the tie looked good I just had to ask why I had to lie down. “Well in my previous job I learned how to tie tie’s on other people when they were lying down, he replied.

 

What was your previous job? I asked incredulously. “I ran a morg.” Was the reply.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you know me?

 

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Burns. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Treviño since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." 

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Late night

 

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us." 

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said. 

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink." 

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?" 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Beer festival

 

After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. 

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. 

Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. 

Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. 

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" 

The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Run of the day

 

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?" 

The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night." 

"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?" 

"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night," the barman answers. 

"Do you want to try?" 

"No, but thanks anyway." 

"Why not?", asks the barman. 

"The steaks are too high." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Balcony

 

Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony. 

The second guy said, "I don't believe it, you'll have to prove this to me." 

So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. "See, I told you," he says. 

The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls. Finally, splat on the ground. 

The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink. 

As he serves the drink, the bartender says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Late night

 

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us." 

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said. 

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink." 

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Scenario

 

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. 

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. 

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. 

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. 

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. 

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? 

Don't ride the kiddie merry go round when you are drunk, so get off. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoos

 

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?' 

'Why of course!' 

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.' 'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.' 

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. 

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly. 

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' 

With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk. 

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?' 

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!' 

[worldangel]

14,000th post

 

Gay Joke: Gay Bar

 

A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink." 

So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's the name of your penis?" 

The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink." 

The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." 

So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" 

The man to left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX." 

The guy asks, "Why Timex?" 

The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" 

A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" 

The man to his right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job 1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?" 

Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer." 

The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why secret?" 

The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a woman!" 

Edited August 22, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Last request

 

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated." 

"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with your ashes?" 

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Special Delivery

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. 

 

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. 

 

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. 

 

When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. 

 

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" 
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'" 

 

"Breakfast was my idea.

 

Edited August 22, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A circus owner walked into a bar ...

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. 

 

After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

 

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

 

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "Did you light the candle under the pot?"

 

Edited August 22, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Vehicle

 

Three men die and come to the gate. St. Peter says:

 

-From now on all men will travel to paradise, and let them in. St. Peter comes to the first and asks how many times he was unfaithful? First man estimates about 20 times. St. Peter says: - Here is you an old car to ride in the paradise. 

 

Asks the second: 

-How many times you were unfaithful? Second response: -10 times. 

St. Peter gives him the Mercedes to ride in the paradise. Comes to the third one and asks: -Well and how many times you were unfaithful.

 

Men responses: -Mr. Peter, I loved my wife very much and I was faithful to her all my life. St. Peter does not believe, looks seriously at his book and notice that man doesn't lie. So for his loyalty he gives him Jaguar to ride on the sky. 

 

After some time St. Peter met the third man with the Jaguar, who looks all upset and unhappy. -What happened to you, you have Jaguar, why you look so upset? ask ST. Peter.

 

 

The man response: -You see, after half a year I met my wife, you know I do ride with the Jaguar, while she only with roller skating...

 

 

Edited August 22, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Face powder

 

In the evening a lady sent her husband to buy some cigarettes. He went to a kiosk, but it was closed? What he should do now? He notices a bar around the corner. He comes into a bar, buys cigarettes. He looks around and notices a young lady with a perfect body. What a beautiful body! Perfect curly hear! Waw..

 

A man orders beer and sits down at her table… Then he orders cognac for both of them… then beer again, and cognac again..

 

Suddenly he wakes up. 3 am. Where is he? Oooops, naked in the bed with the girl!

A man tells her: - Do you have face powder?

Lady:  - I do. - Give me some of it.

 

A man quickly rubs his hands with a face powder and runs back home. His wife opens the door and asks?

 

- Hey bastard, where have you been?

- You see, I went to a shop – it was closed. Then I went into a bar nearby and found a pretty lady there. I drank beer, cognac, beer, then cognac again.. I woke up at 3 am in her bed!..

 

Wife tells him:
- Wait wait… show me your hands, you bastard!.. I see you’ve been playing bowling all night long again!...

 

Edited August 22, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Four legs

 

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

 

From under the blanket she notices four legs instead of two! She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

 

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

 

-Hi darling, he says, -Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you have said hello to them.

 

Edited August 22, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: My brother’s driving

 

Two guys were out joy riding when the driver ran a red light. His friend complained, and the driver said "Don`t worry, that's the way my brother drives."

Later the driver ran another red light and again his friend complained, and again the driver distinctly replied "Don't worry! that`s the way my brother drives!"

A few miles down the road the driver comes to a green light and comes to a complete stop. His friend looked over in utter dismay and screamed "What are you doing, the light is green?!"

The driver said, "Yeah, but my brother might be coming the other way."

[worldangel]

Joke: The lawyer last stand

 

A lawyer, laying on his deathbed in his bedroom, called to his wife and told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea, so she ran and got it. 

As soon as she returned with the Bible, the lawyer snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting left and right. Curious, his wife asked, "What are you doing, honey?" "I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer defending a thief

 

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: 

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." 

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." 

The defendant smiled. 

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[worldangel]

Joke: Legal eyesight

 

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. 

The defence lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" 

"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods." 

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" 

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it." 

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?" 

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Lemon drops

 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. 

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. 

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. 

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet." 

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. 

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?" 

The man replied, "I'm an IRS (Inland Revenue) Agent." 

[clementi]

Joke: It started

 

John walks into his 5th floor apartment after a long day of work, he exhaustively sinks into his favorite arm chair, puts up his footrest, turns on the TV, and turns to his wife Hannah, “Honey, please get me a hard drink, I think it’s about to start.”

 

Hannah rolls her eyes, heads to the kitchen, takes out a beer from the fridge, and brings it to John. “Honey”, said John, two minutes later, “please get me another one quickly before it starts.”

 

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU LAZY GOOD FOR NOTHING!” Hannah exclaimed, “DO YOU THINK I’M YOUR PERSONAL WAITER!? YOU PLOP YOURSELF DOWN ON YOUR EASY CHAIR AND EXPECT ME TO BE ON YOUR BECK AND CALL!? IS THAT ALL I’M GOOD FOR!? John sighs, and mutters under his breath, “it started….”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Father-in-law

 

“Mom, Dad, sit down.  I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation.

 

“I met a guy who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!” “Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!” Gushed her Mom giving her a big hug, “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!” “Tell us more about him” said her Dad, “does he have any money?”

 

“Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about? That was the first question he asked me about you too!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Best friend

Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.

Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom. “Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked. “It’s my wife Beckie,” Tom replied.

“She ran off with my best friend!” “Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?” “Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”

[clementi]

Joke: Gambling

John Sam and Abe, 3 retired friends, would get together every night, rain or shine, to play poker. It was a nice way to pass the time and the men enjoyed it immensely. John’s wife wasn’t so fond of her husband’s poker playing.

She thought it was a dirty and low way to fill his time, but she had long ago resigned herself to her sorry fate, although inside of her, there was always a low flame on the back burner waiting to erupt. One Wednesday night, after a few nights of boring games, something exciting happened.

Sam watched in amusement as John and Abe, each convinced that they had the better hand, slowly put their life savings into the pot. Things started to get really intense when John, running out of available cash, added his car and house into the pot.

When there was no money left to bet on they each showed their cards. As soon as John saw Abe’s cards and realized he had lost, he had a heart attack and died. “Sam,” asked Abe “how are we going to tell his wife?” “Don’t worry I’ll take care of it” Abe replied. Abe knocked on John’s door.

“John just lost all of your life savings in a poker game,” said Sam when the door was opened. “He’s afraid to come home.” John’s wife was fuming “HE DID WHAT?!” She screamed. “TELL HIM I DON’T WANT TO EVER SEE HIS FACE AGAIN! TELL HIM TO JUST DROP DEAD!” “Ok,” said Sam nodding his head, “I’ll tell him just that!”

[clementi]

Joke: Wife insult

“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?! I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”

“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.” “Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”

“Never mind” said Harry looking down. “C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.” “Mary, please don’t make me.” “Harry I insist.” “Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”

[worldangel]

Joke: For their anniversary, a couple...

For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.

 

When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

 

"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."
 

Edited August 23, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Gynaecologist

 

The girl went to gynaecologist. Undressed, opened her legs.

 

 

The doctor says: - Above! The girl picked up the legs above. The doctor says: - Above! Girl picked up even higher.

 

 

The doctor already screaming: - Above! Girl: - Well where I can higher? I can't anymore! Physician - Gynaecologist office upstairs! Here is hairdresser!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A box

 

After the marriage the bride put a box next to her bed and told her husband never to open and check, what’s inside of it. 40 years passed and the husband impatiently opened the box and found there 3 empty bottles of beer and 14000$. 

 

In the evening during the dinner he tells his wife:

 

- Darling, I have to admit, I opened the box. Would you explain why there are 3 bottles?
- You see, whenever I cheated on you, I emptied a bottle of beer and put it in a box…

 

The husband gives it a pause and thinks: well, 3 time, that isn’t so much…

 

- And why do you keep the 14000$ there?

- Well, when the bottles do not fit in the box, I return them and get back the deposit.
 

Edited August 23, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Baseball in Heaven

 

There are these two guys named John and Cliff. They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard. They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.

One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game -- Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man. The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.

"Hi, John."

"Cliff, is it really you?"

"Hey, I told you I'd be back to tell you what's up. And, you know John, there's good news and bad news."

"Okay. What's the good news?"

"There is baseball in heaven."

"The bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."

[worldangel]

Joke: Nursing home

 

Howard is the senior member of the nursing home and at the age of 94 still gets around pretty good. One of his favorite places to go is the garden where he can sit in seclusion and ponder his life's accomplishments.

One day another member of the home named Annabel walks in and the two begin to talk. Soon the conversation turns to sex and Howard says "that's what I miss most of all." The woman looks at the frail Howard and says "you old coot...what makes you think you can still get it up?" "I suppose you're right" says Howard "but at least it would be nice if someone would just hold it." The old woman saw no harm in this and agreed to "hold it" and this activity went on every day for a couple of weeks.

One day Annabel went into the garden to be with Howard and he was nowhere to be found. She was told he was last seen in room 905 so off she went. Annabel arrives at room 905 and is shocked to find Howard with another nursing home member named Mabel. They are sitting together and Mabel is "holding it", Annabel instantly becomes irritate and shouts "Howard, how could you do this to me, what does she have that I don't have?"...Howard just smiles and says "Parkinsons".

[worldangel]

Joke: Soldier ride

 

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fife is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lifeline

 

A couple is watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire."

The husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says, “no”. The husband asks again, and again she says no.

The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes! The husband says, ‘‘well, can I phone a friend?''

[worldangel]

Joke: Why are you leaving?

 

A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase.

He says "Honey, what are you doing".

She says, "I'm leaving you, I want a divorce."

The husband says, "But why, what's wrong?"

The wife says, "I just found out that you are a pedophile"

The husband says, "Whoa, that's an awful big word for a 10-year old."

[worldangel]

Joke: A funeral

 

A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother.

After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning."

"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims.

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing.

You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street.

In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"

[worldangel]

Joke:  Poison

 

With Sam dying, his wife Carol was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.

She held his fragile hand praying and crying, this roused him from his slumber.

He looked up and his pale lips said..."my darling Carol."

"Hush, my love"...she said... "rest, don't talk."

In his tired voice..."I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess"...replied the weeping Carol...
"everything is all right, just go to sleep."

"No"...he struggles..."I must die in peace, I have something to tell you Carol...I cheated on you!"

"I know"...Carol whispered as she softly stroked his forehead... "just let the poison do it's job."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheese farm

 

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. 

She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 

"These", she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." 

She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?" 

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Small town

 

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? 

"Heavens no, we bought it." 

"Then why don't you drive it away." 

"We can't drive." 

"Then why did you buy it?" he asked. 

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ... so we're just waiting." 

 

 

Edited August 24, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Medication

 

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed To me has to be taken for the rest of my life?" 

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. 

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'." 

Edited August 24, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Old friend’s home

 

A guy was invited to an old friends' home for dinner. 

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. 

The guy was impressed since he knew the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names." 

His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Golden years

 

An old man was in his golden years, but that didn't stop him from trying to pick up the younger ladies. He went to the local bar, approached a very pretty and very young woman and said, "Where have you been all my life?" 

The young lady takes one glance at him and says, "For the first half of it, I wasn't even born yet." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Older guys are not so dumb

 

An older, white haired man walked into a Jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said. 

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By checque. I know you need to make sure my checque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend....." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hell’s angels

 

A little old lady decides to join the Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang. So one day she knocks on their clubhouse entrance. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms pokes his head round the door. 

"I want to join your club," she says. Amused, the biker humours her, claiming she need to meet certain requirements to be part of their gang. 

"Do you have a motorcycle?" he says. 

"Yup,"" she replies. "It’s parked right over there." Both of them look round to see a flamed, black Harley chopper in the driveway. 

"Do you drink?" he continues. 

"Oh yes, like a fish," she says. "I’ll drink any man in your club under the table." 

"Do you smoke?" 

"Smoke?" she hoots. "Damn right I smoke. I smoke like a chimney. In fact I smoke three packs a day, as well as three joints,and a couple of cigars in the evening, just before I raise hell on the pool table." 

"Wow," says the biker, impressed. "You sound like one bad momma. But tell me: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" 

"Nope" says the old lady, "but I’ve been swung round by the nipples a few times." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Retirement

 

One day, while going to the store, I passed by Lanark Lodge. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store. 

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. 

This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?' 

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, & they're having a yard sale.' 

[worldangel]

Joke: Focus please

 

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper, "The Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys. 

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. 

The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other. 

"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE!" So they wiggled up close to each other. 

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S JUST GONNA FOCUS!" 

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOODNESS - BOTH OF US?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hmmm …

 

A very old couple that have been married forever are sitting on their porch one night. Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.

He crawls back up and asks, "What was that for?" 

She says, "For having a little pecker." 

He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes. She crawls back and asks, "What was that for?" 

He replies, "For knowing there was more than one size." 

[worldangel]

Joke: The practical engineer

 

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar. "Hey bartender" said the Engineer, "I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there." 

The bartender responded, "I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here." 

"Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up." 

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer: "I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?" 

The engineer responded: "Oh...that's where we put the jack."