Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Boasting pirate

 

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eye-patch. 

The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" 
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off." 

"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"

 

"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye-patch?" 
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate. 

 

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously. 
"Well...", said the pirate, "...it was my first day with the hook." 

Edited August 24, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Goodbye, mom

 

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. 

If he stopped, she stopped. 

Furthermore she kept staring at him. 

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, 

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." 

He answered, "That's okay." 

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, 

it would make me feel so happy." 

She then went through the checkout and, as she was on her way out of the store, 

the man called out, "Good-bye, Mom." 

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. 

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, 

he went to pay for his groceries. 

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. 

"That can't be right... I only bought 5 items." 

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too." 

Bet you thought this was going to be a tearjerker. Don't trust little old ladies! 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex life

 

An eighty year old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!" The man asked the doctor what the problem was. 

"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?" 

"No", replied the man. 

"Do you drink in excess?" 

"No" 

"Do you have a sex life?" 

"Yes, I do!" 

"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life" 

Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half... the LOOKING or the THINKING?" 

[clementi]

Joke: A trip

In a mental institution, a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting as if he's driving a car. The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replied, "Can't talk right now....I'm driving to Chicago!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how are you doing?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Chicago and I need some rest."

"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip." The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and goes across the hall into Fred's room, and finds Fred sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously. With suprise she asks, "Fred what are you doing!?"

To which Fred replies, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife. He's in Chicago!"

[clementi]

Joke: Problematic child

A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down.

"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems."

"What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless."

"Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs."

"Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless."

"And it hasn't got any arms either."

"What?"

"Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In

fact, your child is only a very, very big ear."

"Oh my Goodness! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it.

I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it."

"Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf."

[clementi]

Joke: Memory method

Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They found it beneficial to write things down so as not to forget them.

One evening they were sitting in the parlor and Haley said, "Ben, be a dear and go to the kitchen and fix me a dish of ice cream and put some chocolate syrup and peanuts on it. And, Ben, write it down so you don't forget the peanuts."

"That's a good idea, Dear." Ben said, and wrote it on the notepad and headed for the kitchen.

Ben was in the kitchen for a while, and returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. Haley looked at it and said, "Oh Ben, you forgot the breakfast toast."

[clementi]

Joke: Handsome tip

A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage.

The man calls an usher over and whispers, "I just love a good mystery and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play.

However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket of the second row.

Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, "Follow me."

The usher leads the man down to the second row and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle.

"Thanks so much," says the theatergoer, "This seat is perfect." He then hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick."

[clementi]

Joke: The undertaker

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair - try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly." With that he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."

[worldangel]

Joke: The ring

 

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. 

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. 

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 

At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" 

Don't mess with Old People. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too drunk

 

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? 

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. 

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. 

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The tounge

 

A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. 

Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. 

Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 

'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. 

He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'

[worldangel]

Joke: Glass-eye

 

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" 

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?" 

The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on." 

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. 

The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." 

The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye." 

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you." 

The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." 

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" 

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" 

The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking clock

 

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. 

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. 

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. 

"Yup" replied the drunk. 

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. 

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. 

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Classic affair

 

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent." 

One Cent?" the man exclaimed. 

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" 

"A nickel," the barman replied. 

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. 

"Where's the guy who owns this place?" 

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." 

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" 

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Beer & Vodka

 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?" 

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of Fact we have a new drink, invented by A gynaecologist patron of ours. 

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." 

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?" 

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you know me?

 

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" 

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Burns. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, you manipulate people, and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." 

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" 

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Treviño since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him." 

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence, and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Scenario

 

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. 

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. 

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. 

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. 

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. 

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation? 

Don't ride the kiddie merry go round when you are drunk, so get off. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting it on

 

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, getting it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." 

She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Legal eyesight

 

An old man was a witness in a burglary trial. 

The defense lawyer asks Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?" 

"Yes," said Sam , "I saw him plainly take the goods." 

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?" 

"Yes" says Sam, "I saw him do it." 

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?" 

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Eggs

 

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. 

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" 

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." 

The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." 

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" 

She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." 

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? 

"No," she says. 

The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Truth

 

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense. "You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?" 

The client replied that he did. The lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?" 

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Billing per hour

 

A prominent young attorney was on his way to court to begin arguments on a complex lawsuit when he suddenly found himself at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter started to escort him inside, when he began to protest that his untimely death had to be some sort of mistake. 

"I'm much too young to die! I'm only 35!" St. Peter agreed that 35 did seem to be a bit young to be entering the pearly gates, and agreed to check on his case. 

When St. Peter returned, he told the attorney, "I'm afraid that the mistake must be yours, my son. We verified your age on the basis of the number of hours you've billed to your clients, and you're at least 108."

[worldangel]

Joke: Late night

 

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend home for a late-night drink. "You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us." 

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to go," he said. 

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink." 

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he popped his head around the door and asked, "Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper towel?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer and the brothel

 

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s. 

"Can I help you?" she asked. 

"I want to see Natalie," the man replied. 

"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. 

"No, I must see Natalie" was the man's reply. 

Just then, Natalie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills and gave them to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left. 

The next night the same man appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row-too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Natalie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left. 

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Natalie and they went upstairs. After their session, Natalie questioned the man. 

"No one has ever used me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked. 

The man replied, "South Carolina." 

"Really?" she said. "I have family in South Carolina." 

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guess who?

 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. 

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" 

"But why?" asks the man. 

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoos

 

A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?' 

'Why of course!' 

'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.' 'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on the table.' 

After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and examines the tattoos. 

'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly. 

'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.' 

With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk. 

'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you know who these men are?' 

The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!' 

[worldangel]

Joke: Threesome

 

I met an older woman at a bar last night. 

She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullsh*tted a bit, then she asked if I 'd ever had a mother and daughter threesome? 

I said no. 

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. 

I went back to her place. 

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: 

"Mom you still awake?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce court

 

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. 

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. 

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. 

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... 

"Your Honour, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife’s panties

 

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off." 

"I know the feeling," the other says. 

"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Balcony

 

Two men were sitting at a bar at the top of a skyscraper. Both were bending their elbows at a steady rate. The first man said, "You know, there's such an updraft on the outside of this building, that if you jump off, you'll fall for a bit, but the updraft will catch you, and bring you right back up to this balcony. 

The second guy said, "I don't believe it, you'll have to prove this to me." 

So the first guy goes over the balcony and jumps off. He falls and falls and falls, and then he slows in mid drop, and begins rising back up. Finally, he lightly steps back onto the balcony. "See, I told you," he says. 

The second guy says, "I've got to try that." So he jumps off the balcony, and falls and falls and falls and falls. Finally, splat on the ground. 

The first guy returns to the bar and orders another drink. 

As he serves the drink, the bartender says, "You're a mean drunk, Superman." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest lawyer

 

An investment advisor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers. 

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?" 

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case." 

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?" asked the investment advisor. 

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cigars

 

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." 

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help, if I send the judge a box of cigars?" 

"Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." 

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" 

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." 

"But, I did send them." 

"What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. 

"Yes. That's how we won the case." 

"I don't understand," said the lawyer. 

"It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

[worldangel]

Joke: Clever defendant

 

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." 

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. 

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. 

"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behaviour. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." 

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favour of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." 

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer. 

"But I did send them," said the defendant. 

"What?! You did?" 

"Yes, That's how we won the case." 

"I don't understand," said the lawyer. 

"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..." 

[worldangel]

Joke: One cent

 

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." 

One Cent?" the man exclaimed. 

He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" 

"A nickel," the barman replied. 

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. 

"Where's the guy who owns this place?" 

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." 

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" 

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill of rights

 

Two lawyers, Bob and Bill, were having a heated exchange during a trial. The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench. 

"Your Honour," said Bob, "I objected because my distinguished colleague Bill was badgering the witness. It is obvious he has never heard of the Bill of Rights." 

"Rubbish!" snapped Bill. "I happen to know them by heart." 

Bob rolled his eyes in disbelief. "Do you now? Well, Bill, I have a hundred dollars that says you can't even tell me the first few words." 

Bill smirked and accepted the challenge and began, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." 

"Damn," Bob interrupted, fishing the money from his pocket, "I didn't think you'd know it." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stress

 

You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl. Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital.

 

 

This is stress.  In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already. You require for a DNR analysis and they make it.

 

Then the doctors tell you silently, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief. On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.

Edited August 26, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: An Epic Hangover

 

The husband wakes up with a hangover, can't remember a thing, asking his wife:

- Dear, what happened last night?

- Oh, honey, you made an ass out of yourself in front of your boss and he got you fired...

- Well, screw the boss!

- Honey, I already did - you can go back to work on Monday!

[worldangel]

Joke: Balding

 

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head.

"You're right," he said, "it does..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Eight-Fifty Please

 

A cab driver sees a woman hailing him down a busy street.

He pulls over and is surprised when she gets in and sits down besides him on the front seat.

She gives him an address and they drive off. When they arrive at her address, the cab driver stops and shuts off the meter. “Okay,” he says, “that will be eight-fifty, please.”

The woman looks over and says to him, “To tell you the truth, I don’t have any money. But, she says, pulling her skirt up to her waist, “may be this will take care of it.”

The cabbie looks down and says, “Gee, lady don’t you have anything smaller?”

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s a beaver

 

A little boy walks in on his grandma taking a shower and points at her pussy and asks “what is it” grandma replies "its a beaver".

A few days later the little boy walks in on his mom in the shower and points at her pussy and says, "I know that is a beaver”.

The mom curious asked, “who told you.”

The child said, "grandma had one but it looked like it was dead because its tongue was hanging out."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dear Abby

 

A man wrote a letter, Dear Abby, I need some advice.

I think my wife is cheating on me.

She tells me that she is going out with the girls about three times a week and when I ask who the girls are she says they are girls from the office and that I wouldn't know them.

She often gets in after midnight and the other night I waited up and she came walking in and I heard a car drive off around the corner from our house. So, I decided to catch her.

I moved my big Harley motorcycle to a place that I could see around the corner.

I was crouched down behind my Harley when I noticed an oil seal had failed and oil was leaking out.

My question Abby is, "Should I take my Harley to a dealer to have the oil seal repaired or should I attempt to make the repairs myself?

[worldangel]

Joke: Age & sex

 

This young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. 

He asked how often you should have it. 

His grandfather told him, 

"when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe you'll do it several times a day. 

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. 

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. 

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year like maybe on your anniversary. 

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, 

"Well how about you and Grandma now?" 

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." 

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. 

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom and I go to bed in my bedroom. 

She yells, 'Screw You', and I holler back, 'Screw You too!'" 

Edited August 26, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory tests

 

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply. 

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man. 

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? 

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting old

 

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. 

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee." 

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. 

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you! said a fourth. 

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. 

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!" exclaimed another. 

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said an elderly gent. 

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. 

"Well, count your blessings," said one woman cheerfully, "thankfully, we can all still drive." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Last year I replaced …

 

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them. 

 

Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

 

 

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.

 

Edited August 27, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem With Gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." 

 

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week. 
The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!" 

 

The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

 

Edited August 27, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband and wife were in the...

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!" 

 

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before. 

 

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?" 

 

His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

 

Edited August 27, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Tip of ice berg

 

"Doctor, doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my button."

 

The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and then examine him.

 

"Is it serious, doctor?"

 

“I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."

[worldangel]

Joke: Eyesight

 

A woman rushes to her doctor, looking very worried, and says: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled, my skin all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes bloodshot and I had this corpse-like look on my face. What’s wrong with me?”

 

Her doctor looks her over and says: “Well, I can tell you there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

[worldangel]

Joke: To the morgue

 

“Nurse, where’re we going?”

 

“To the morgue.”

 

“But I haven’t died yet!”

 

“Well, we haven’t arrived yet.”