Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Holding hand

 

A man says to his friend: “Rabinovich, I take off my hat to you! You and Sarah have been married for 30 years, but you always hold hands when I see you walking around the town.”

 

 

His friend replies: “Well, if I lose my hold, she will surely buy something.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Frog legs

 

A guest arrives at a restaurant and decides to order his meal.

 

The waiter arrives promptly to take his order.

 

The guest asks: “Do you have frog legs?”

 

The waiter answers: “No, that’s just the way I walk!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Ice creams

 

"Mother! Mother! Give me some money for the poor old man that’s shouting along the road!”

 

“What is he shouting?”

 

“Ice creams! Come get your ice creams!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife’s in labour

 

A guy phones the local hospital and yells: ”You have got to send help! My wife’s in labour!”

 

The nurse says: “Calm down. Is this her first child?” And the man replies: “No! This is her husband!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wine

 

A man enters a store and says: “15 litres of wine please.”

 

The man behind the counter asks: “Did you bring a container for this?”

 

The man replies: “You’re speaking to it.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Lighter

 

A girl asks an Argentine man for a light.

 

He pats his trousers, chest, and back pockets.

 

“Sorry,” he says. “I don’t have one, but wow, do I have a great body or what?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Only 24-hours to live

 

A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

 

“Oh dear, what’s the bad news?”

 

“You only have 24 hours to live.”

 

“That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”.

 

The doctor replies: “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Who made me happy

 

After my wife died, I met a woman who made me really happy.

However, I could sense that nobody in the family liked her.

"Fuck this," I said. "We're not staying at a funeral where we're not wanted."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing poker

 

Six men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died.

 

The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.

 

The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”

 

The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!” The man responds, “I’ll go tell him.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Boring request

 

The customer ordering a floral arrangement from my shop was giving me very specific guidelines.

 

“Nothing fragrant,” she instructed. “Nothing too tall or too wild. And no bright colours, please. My house is decorated in beige and cream. Here is a wallpaper sample.” She handed me a plain square of tan-colored paper.

 

“Your name?” I asked.

 

“Mrs. Bland,” the woman replied.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Running out of fuel

 

My friend is notorious for waiting until the needle is on empty before filling his gas tank. Finally his car died on him, and we had to push it to the nearest filling station. After my friend finished pumping gas, the attendant asked if he had learned anything.

 

“Yeah,” my friend muttered, “I learned I have a 15-gallon tank.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Angry customers

 

The speaker at my bank’s drive-through window had been broken for weeks, and we tellers had to resort to miming or writing notes to communicate with our frustrated customers. One day a sweet elderly lady whom I would see every week pulled up to the window, leaned out of her car and smacked the glass in front of my face.

 

“Hope this is bulletproof,” she yelled.

 

There had just been a robbery at another bank nearby, so I was touched by her concern. “It is,” I yelled back.

 

“Good,” she continued, “because someone is going to shoot you if you don’t get that speaker fixed.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not so private

 

Security and peace of mind were part of the reason we moved to a gated community. Both flew out the window the night I called a local pizza shop for a delivery. “I’d like to order a large pepperoni, please,” I said, then gave him the address of our condominium.

 

“We’ll be there in about half an hour,” the kid at the other end replied. “Your gate code is still 1238, right?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What are nitrates?

 

Chemistry classes was going on, The teacher asked a girl student:

What are nitrates?

The girl blushed and answered: Night-rates are costlier than day.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother

 

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."

"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man.

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"

As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.

"How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[worldangel]

Joke: Assholes

 

A drunk walks into a bar, orders a drink and says to the bartender, “all lawyers are assholes”

A guy at the end of the bar says “you better take that back”

The drunk man goes, why, are you a lawyer?

The man says no, I’m an asshole.

[worldangel]

Joke: Working too hard

 

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doctor,” said the curvy call girl.

“I feel tired, dragged out. Pooped. No pep. No get up and go. Is it vitamin deficiency, low blood count, or what?

The physician gave her a top-to-toe examination and then his verdict.

“Young lady, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re run-down that’s all. You’ve been working too hard. I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A beautiful woman

 

Two divorce lawyers were having drinks in a lounge after an exhausting day in the courts.

In walks the most spectacular woman either of the lawyers had seen in a long time.

One of the lawyer’s says, “Boy! I sure would like to screw her!”

To which the other replies, “Out of what?”

[worldangel]

Joke: How to Clean a Cat

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and lift both lids.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him to the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat into the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the top so he cannot escape.) CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the cat, as his paws will be reaching for anything they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone open the back door and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the garden.

Stand behind the toilet as much as you can and lift both lids quickly.

The freshly cleaned cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he will dry himself.

Sincerely, the Dog

[worldangel]

Joke: Invitation to the party

 

The invitation said; “you are invited to a party for those who cannot have an orgasm."

PS: Let us know if you can't come!!!

Edited August 28, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: John had been working for an Advertising Firm

John had been working for an Advertising Firm for almost three year, and was getting a promotion, when his boss called him into his office.

 

"John, I'm sorry I'm gonna have to let you go, when I put you up for promotion, the company did a background check, and we found out that you got kicked out of Yale, for lying about getting your diploma. I'm sorry, but I need you out within the hour."

 

"But I've been working so hard, I've been doing such good work," John said.

 

"I'm sorry John, but we can't have liars working for us."

"But this is an advertising firm!"

 

Edited August 28, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Quit Smoking

A young couple had been married for a couple of months, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. 

 

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." 

 

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." 

He replied, "But they stunt your growth." 

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied he never had. 

 

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your excuse?"  

 

Edited August 28, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A magician was facing an unruly crowd

A magician was facing an unruly crowd as his tricks failed to impress them. To cheer them up, the magician said: 'could anyone please give me an egg. For I shall show you a marvellous trick' 

One at the last row shouted: 'If we had an egg with us, it would have reached you long before'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The New French Cook

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits.

 

 

None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.

 

 

The young man replied, "I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Once poor man

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.

"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Reporter

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following report to his editor.

"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is
recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts."

The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.

Now go back and write something more appropriate!"

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "


 

[worldangel]

Joke: After eight days of back packing

After eight days of backpacking with my wife, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

 

"Darling," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"
I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"
 

Edited August 28, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Dinner time discussion

 

The fathers said ask away. The young man asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, says, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said could I ask a personal question?

The daughter turns to her mother and asks "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.

In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree. "A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

[clementi]

Joke: About dating – SMS

 

Double heart attack SMS by a girl to a boy:
SMS number 1: Let's break up now, it's all over...
SMS number 2: Sorry, sorry, sorry, that was not for you.

 

Edited August 29, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: About dating - In the morning

 

- Honey, would you like me to bring coffee to the bed?
- No, darling, I will come to have breakfast with you.

 

- Would you like to have scrambled eggs, my love?
- Sure, kitty, two eggs, please.

 

- Wait, you don’t remember my name either, do you?
 

Edited August 29, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: About dating - He vs She

 

 

He: Can I buy you a drink?
She: I would rather have the money.

He: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
She: Sorry. I am having a headache this weekend.

He: Go on. Don't be shy, ask me out.
She: Okay. Go out.

He: I think I could make you very happy?
She: Why? Are you leaving?
 

[clementi]

Joke: About dating - Tea

 

Johnny goes out of the school and finds Mary outside waiting for him. She asks him to carry her bag home, he agrees. They come Mary's doors and she says:

- Would you like to come in for a cup of tea?

- Sure, just give me a second - I'll jump to a drug store to get something with tea.

 

[clementi]

Joke: About dating - In a shower

 

Two friends talking:

- Yesterday I split up with my girlfriend.
- What happened, you were doing so well together.

- We were taking a shower together and she said: Darling, let's do something really bad
- So what?
- So I spilled shampoo to her eyes
 

[clementi]

Joke: About money

 

An elderly man remembers the good old days: “when I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single $, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes,  2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras.

 

Vegetarians do not eat animals. They simply eat their food.
 

Edited August 29, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: 16 years later

 

 

One day there was a pregnant women who was about to go into labor with 3 children.

Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car.

So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach.

When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

16 years later

16 years later the first child who was a girl came to the mother and said "mom mom guess what?"

"What?"

I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said "mom mom guess what I pissed out a bullet."

So the mom told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy said "mom mom guess what?"

The mom said "let me guess you pissed out a bullet."

"No i was jacking off and i shot the dog!"

[clementi]

Joke: Sex partners

 

A doctor asks a patient while examining her:

 

- How many sex partners did you have?
- 5 or 6, don't remember exactly..

- Hmm, not that many...
- Yes, that wasn't the most successful weekend...
 

Edited August 29, 2015 by clementi

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma Jones...

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord.

"What's that?" she demanded with great suspicion, suspecting it might be one of those high tech items the city folks talked about.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot Water

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club. 

 

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya doin?". Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 

 

"Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team." 
When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. 

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

 

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey. 

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" 

 

John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. 

 

John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book. 

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time."  

 

Edited August 29, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Women at the Pearly Gates

 

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.

Woman #1: I was frozen to death.
Woman #2: How horrible!

 

Woman #1: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

Woman #2: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV. 

 

Woman #1: So what happened?

Woman #2: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

 

Woman #1: Too bad, you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.

 

Edited August 29, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Four friends

 

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

 

 

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. "Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday.

 

 

Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?" I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom.

 

 

The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want." So here I am.

[worldangel]

Joke: Amish boy

 

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is."

 

 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

 

 

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy birthday

 

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him. As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"

 

 

He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. In the lunch time Anna knocked on his door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your Birthday, why don't we go out for lunch, just you and me." Peter happily agreed. They had their lunch but on the way back to the office, Anna said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go right back to the office, do we?"

 

 

Peter replied "I suppose not. What do you have in mind?" She said, "Let's go to my apartment, it's just around the corner." After arriving at her apartment, Anna said, "Boss if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back." "Ok." He nervously replied.

 

 

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes; she came out carrying a huge birthday cake... Followed by his wife, his kids, and dozens of his friends, and co-workers, all singing "Happy Birthday". And Peter just sat there... On the couch... Naked!

[worldangel]

Joke: Three rednecks

 

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife." Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

 

 

Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" "Well, not exactly", Donnie says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."

 

 

She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow." Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

[worldangel]

Joke: A young couple

 

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."

 

 

She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can’t wear your pants," she said. "That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!

 

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can’t get into your panties!" She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"

[worldangel]

Joke: The 12-inch pianist

 

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano. "Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.

 

 

"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want." Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie. "You grant wishes right?" "Yes." replies the genie.

 

 

"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks." Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar. "Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!" His friends sitting at the table replies, "Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good eyesight

 

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

 

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The tiniest dick

 

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional." With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen.

 

 

It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again.

 

 

Now what seems to be the problem?" "It's swollen" said Bob.

[clementi]

Joke: Old ladies

 

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. 

One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" 

The other replies, "Oh sure I do." 

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" 

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." 

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?" 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Deaf

 

A man tells a doctor, "I think my wife's going deaf. What can I do?" 

The doctor says, "Well, try to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. That way we can see how bad the problem is." 

The man goes home, sees his wife and says, "Hi honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer. "Honey, what's for dinner?" He repeats this several times, until he's standing right next to her. 

Finally, she answers, "For the tenth time, I said we're having Pot Roast!"

[clementi]

Joke: Dinner

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. 

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." 

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." 

"Do you mean a rose?" 

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"