Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Ice cream parlour

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool 

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. 

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?" 

" No," he replied, "arthritis." 

[clementi]

Joke: Cold water

 

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. 

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?" 

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" 

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" 

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" 

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". 

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!" 

[clementi]

Joke: 87-year old woman

 

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. 

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly. 

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in defense of herself. 

"Your Honour," she began coolly, "I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly." 

[clementi]

Joke: Poor old man

 

A nurse of an old folk’s home walked into the room of Mr. Jones and noticed he was crying at the foot of his bed. "What's the matter"? The nurse asked as she stood beside him. 

Sobbing, the old man cried, "My penis died today", and began to cry hysterically. 

The nurse played along with the old man and consoled him on his great loss. 

A couple days later the nurse was in the middle of her rounds and noticed Mr. Jones walking down the hall with his penis hanging freely out of his shorts. The nurse walked up to him with a sympathetic voice and asked, "Mr. Jones...I thought your penis passed away a couple days ago." 

He looked back at her and whispered, "It did, and today is the viewing." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Once poor

A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
"Is the housewife in?" he asked. The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.

Husband: Guess what? I am rich.

Wife: How?

Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.

Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Unfinished repairs

 

My sister Darlene has the courage—but not always the skills—to tackle any home-repair project. For example, in her garage are pieces of a lawn mower she once tried to fix. So I wasn’t surprised the day my other sister, Jesse, and I found Darlene attacking her vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver.

 

“I can’t get this thing to cooperate,” she explained.

 

“Why don’t you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?” Jesse suggested.

[worldangel]

Joke: No emergency exits, thanks

 

The flight attendant on our trip was handing out plastic pilot wings to some kids. As I stepped 
forward, she jokingly offered me one, but I passed.

 

 

Pointing to the Airborne wings on my Army uniform, I 
explained, “The last time someone 
gave me wings, I had to jump 
out of the airplane.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One big thanks

 

A friend of mine has an adopted son who, at six-foot-one, loves to play basketball.

 

The boy was applying to basketball camp, and a section of the application called for him to write a brief essay about himself. My friend got a lump in his throat as he read his son’s words: "Most of all I am thankful that I am adopted…"

 

Then my friend got a cold dose of reality as he continued: "because my dad is so short."

[worldangel]

Joke: Eye candy

 

On vacation my nine-year-old son, Ryan, and I were at the pool, where two attractive young women wearing thong bikinis were sunning themselves. I noticed that Ryan kept staring at them, but he would occasionally glance back at me.

 

When they got up to leave, Ryan watched them particularly closely. I was bracing myself for questions he might have when he turned to me and whispered, "Dad, can I take that candy bar those girls left behind?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Double-decker

 

It began as an innocent game with my toddler son, Robert. I’d get in the fighter’s stance and start shadowboxing. Jabbing with both fists, I’d say, "One-two, one-two," and he would imitate me over and over.

 

I never thought about the consequences of this little exercise until my wife took our son to a birthday party. When the boy’s mother was handing out noisemakers she leaned over to Robert and asked, "Would you like one too?"

 

It took my wife a while to explain her way out of what happened next.

[worldangel]

Joke: Going overboard

 

When I bought my new Lexus Sport Coupe, my two sons asked me who would inherit it if I met my demise. I pondered the question, then told them if I passed away on an even day, the son born on an even day would get it. If it happened on an odd day, the one born on the odd day would get it.

 

A few weekends later, while river rafting with one of my sons, I was tossed out of the boat. As I floated in the rapids, I heard my son yelling, "It’s the wrong day!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad driver

 

I was getting into my car when I noticed a dent. On the windshield was a note and a phone number from the driver. “I feel terrible,” the woman apologized when I called. “I hit your car as I was pulling into the next parking spot.”

 

“Please, don’t worry,” I said to her. “I’m sure our insurance companies will take care of everything.”

 

“Thank you for your understanding,” she said. “You’re so much nicer than the man I hit on the way out.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting an eyeful

 

When a fellow piano tuner was ill, I took over his assignment of tuning a piano in a girls’ boardinghouse. While I was at work, several of the girls strolled casually through the room in various state of undress. The climax came when a young lady in startling deshabille appeared to pay the bill.

 

As I was writing the receipt, she suddenly gave me a bewildered look, then fled, screaming, “That’s not our regular man!”

 

Their regular man is blind.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The magician

 

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week so he did same tricks over and over.

The problem was, the captain's parrot saw all the shows and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

 

He started shouting in the middle of the show: 'Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table. Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?' The magician was furious but, as it was the captain's parrot, he could do nothing. Then one day the ship sank and the magician found himself floating on a piece of wood with the parrot.

 

They glared at each other but said nothing. Finally, after a week, the parrot said: 'OK, I give up. Where's the boat?'

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Male & Female

 

 

I stopped at a friend's house the other day and found him stalking around with a fly-swatter.

 

 

When I asked if he was getting any flies, he answered: 'Yeah, three males and two females.'

 

 

Curious, I asked how he could tell the difference. He said: 'Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the vet clinic

 

A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas.

 

The vet says: 'I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down.'

 

The man is incredulous and asks why.

 

The vet says: 'Because he's far too heavy.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem on bothends

 

My nephew, a flight attendant, split the back of his pants one day during a flight. To save embarrassment, he decided to work in front of the beverage cart, facing forward.

 

The arrangement worked perfectly until he got to the last row and a passenger leaned over to him and said in a low voice, “Your fly is open.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Drumming up a reason

 

A man vacations on a tropical 
island, and the first thing he hears 
is drums. He goes to the beach 
and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums.

 

Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.

 

“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”

 

“Why?”

 

“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Perfect time

 

On vacation in Hawaii, my step- mom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m.

 

 

Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I’m sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"

 

"That’s fine," Sandy said.

 

"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

[worldangel]

Joke: Easy to find

 

My five children and I were playing hide-and-seek one evening. With the lights turned off in the house, the kids scattered to hide, and I was "it."

 

 

After a few minutes I located all of them. When it was my turn to hide, they searched high and low but could not find me.

 

Finally one of my sons got a bright idea. He went to the phone and dialed; they found me immediately because my phone started ringing.

[worldangel]

Joke: Weekend

 

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages.

 

When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.

 

After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?' He replied: 'That would be fine with me.' Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

 

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The police officer

 

A police officer on traffic duty flags down a car. 
“Sir, you appear to have 12 penguins in the back of your car.” 
“That’s right, officer, I do.”

“Well that’s ridiculous – take them to the zoo straight away.”
“OK officer.” And the car drives off.

Next day, the same policeman in the same spot sees the same car drive past – with the penguins in the back. He flags him down again.

“I thought I told you to take them to the zoo…”
“Yes, officer, and it was great – today I’m taking them to the cinema.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Cop joke

 

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police.

 

 

The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"

 

 

In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. "

 

The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

[worldangel]

Joke: Is That A Birth Defect? 

 

This guy goes into a bar and orders a beer.

Sits down and notices another guy at the end of the bar everything normal about him except his head is the size of a cue ball.

So he grabs his beer and approaches the guy.

Say is that a birth defect?

No, I got this fishing!

Fishing?

Ya, I was fishing in the ocean when I landed this mermaid.

She said if I let her go, she would grant me three whishes.

I said fine. Give me a fleet of fishing boats, one million dollars, and I want to have sex with you.

Sex? She replied. Don’t be silly you can’t have sex with a mermaid, our body parts don’t match.

So I said how about a little head.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An expensive portrait

 

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things" replied the artist.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewellery."

[worldangel]

Joke: Make a horse cry

 

There was a bar advertising a contest and a man walked in to find out what the contest was for.

The bartender said it is for anyone who could make my horse laugh wins fifty dollars.

So the man asked where the horse was the bartender said out back in the barn.

The man went out to the barn when he returned he told the bartender the horse was laughing the bartender went out and sure enough the horse was.

About a month later the same man was passing the bar and they were having another contest and the man wanted to see what it was so he went in.

The bartender said the horse had not stopped laughing since he was last there.

The new contest was for who could make him stop got 100 dollars.

The man went to the barn and came back and told the bartender that the horse was crying and the bartender went to check.

When he returned he paid the man and asked how he had done that.

The man replied that the first time I told the horse I had a bigger dick than he did, the second time I proved it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sperm check

 

An elderly man went to the doctor and wanted a sperm check. The doctor said it wouldn't be necessary but the man demanded. So the doctor gave the man a jar and told him to come back the next day. The next day the old man came back, the jar empty.

"What happened?" the doctor asked.

"Well," the old man said, "I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right hand, and she tried with her teeth in and her teeth out. No matter how hard we tried...We just couldn't get the lid off the jar."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lie detector

 

A man bought a Lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: … DAD: Son where were you today during school hours?

 

 

SON: At school (robot slaps the Son and he immediately changes his mind) Okay I went to the movies! DAD: Which one? SON: Harry Potter (robot slaps Son again!) Okay I was watching porno.

 

 

DAD: What? When I was your age I didn’t even know porno! (robot slaps dad) MUM: hahahahaha! After all he is your Son! (robot gives Mum a hot dirty slap)

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cat & pussy

 

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

 

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Room no 1221

 

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

 

 

They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

[worldangel]

Joke: Password

 

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

 

 

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

[worldangel]

Joke: The bee

 

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.

 

 

The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.

 

 

The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.

 

 

The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

 

 

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"

 

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Parent’s room

 

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

 

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy.

 

 

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[worldangel]

Joke: HOLE

 

Peter: "Your secretary is very sexy..." Tony: "Thanks! It's a robot actually, named 'Maria'. 

 

If you squeeze her right boob, she takes dictation & if you squeeze her left boob, she types letters! I'll Lend it to you for a day & you can see her functions..."

 

Next day Peter called Tony from hospital & shouted: "You bastard!" You didn't tell me that the "HOLE" between Maria's legs is a pencil sharpener.

[worldangel]

Joke: Big dildo

 

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.

 

 

He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo.

 

 

She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

Edited August 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men

 

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘Heck. My wife is better than that.’

 

 

The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, ‘You know? Your wife IS better.’

[worldangel]

Joke: A practical joke

 

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning.

 

Herman told her that he couldn't help it. She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn't hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn't stop, he was one day going to "fart his guts out."

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about "farting his guts out" until one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed holiday pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to her as to how she might solve her husband's problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband's jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even. About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

"Honey," he said. "You were right -- all those years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked Martha.

"Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got 'em all back in."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 5 Minutes ago

 

The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open.

 

 

He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

 

 

As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[worldangel]

Joke: Heating your dinner

 

A man comes home from a hard day of work only to find his wife laying in front of the fire place with her legs wide open.

 

 

He asked, "Honey what are you doing?" She replied, "I'm heating up your dinner."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three daughters

 

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn't afford it and neither could their parents. So the parents said "We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married". So they got married and all three daughters then said "I want a honeymoon but we can’t afford it".

 

 

The parents couldn't afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parent’s house. So on their honeymoon night their mother woke up and decided to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughter’s bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it.

 

 

When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided 2 ignore it. The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter "Why were you screaming?". And the daughter replied "Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt."

 

 

Then the mother said to the second daughter "Why were you laughing last night?" and the daughter replied "Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled". Then the mother said to the last daughter "Why didn't I hear anything coming from your room last night?" and the daughter replied "Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full".

[worldangel]

Joke: Medical check-up

 

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.” The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”

 

 

The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed. ”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.” The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor’s office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned.

 

 

She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. ”How did it go?” the doctor asked. ”Terrible, doctor, terrible.” ”Did it not work?” ”Yes,” the old lady said, ”It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in 25 years.” ”Then what is the problem, ma’am?” ”Well,” she said. ”I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.

[worldangel]

Joke: No men on this floor

 

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

 

 

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?"

 

 

So up she goes. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

 

 

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

 

 

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

 

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s broken

 

A married couple was walking down the street when an alien spacecraft landed in front of them. A married alien couple walked out and said, "Hello, earthlings, we come in peace. We are scientists from the planet GRUDO-X and we want you to tell us all about your planet." So they talked for hours, until they came to the subject of sex.

 

The humans told the aliens how humans have sex and the aliens were in shock! It was very similar to the way the aliens did it. The men in the group decided to have a little experiment with switching wives for a night. When the human woman saw the alien man undress, she immediately laughed at his "thing."

 

 

The alien looked down and said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot." And he hit his head twice and "it" grew at least two feet. The woman said "Wow! That's impressive, but I could snap that thing if I wanted to." So the alien pulled his ears twice and it expanded. The two had the greatest sex of their lives. The next morning the human man came for his wife and asked, "How was it?"

 

 

The wife replied, "Great!" The man said, "Well, for some strange reason the alien woman kept jumping on me, pulling my ears and hitting me on the head, screaming, "It's broken! It's broken!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The barber

 

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."

 

 

The guy left. A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."

 

 

The guy left. A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half." The guy left. The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.

 

 

He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back." A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"

 

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, "Your house!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The buddy

 

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

 

 

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

 

 

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

 

 

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The blond & the lawyer

 

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

 

 

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. "

 

 

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

 

 

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

 

 

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

 

 

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep. And you thought blondes were dumb.

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your underwear is." She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it."

 

 

But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.

 

 

"Well come with me out to my dad’s car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

 

 

His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little girl

 

Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

 

 

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

 

 

"Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?" "But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.

 

 

That's when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

 

 

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"