Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Passing gas

 

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

 

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[worldangel]

Joke: The disco

 

Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

 

 

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: $2000 coins

 

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.

 

 

Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself."

 

 

So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Those little bastards

 

A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well.

 

They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her.

 

 

"Why are you naked?" he asks. "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you." "Okay" the man replies "I'll go get ready." He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

 

 

"Who the f**k are you?" the man asks. "I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

 

 

The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!" The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. "Those little bastards!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage

 

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.  She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore.

 

 

After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.  When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.

 

 

After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialled a number. 

 

 

His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.  "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" 

 

 

Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.  Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ms Smith

 

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.

 

 

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

 

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

[worldangel]

Joke: Not bigger than triple A battery

 

Bob saw his doctor and asked if he had ever laughed at a patient. "In over 20 years I haven't because I try to remain professional."

 

 

With that Bob dropped his trousers revealing the tiniest dick the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

 

 

The doctor burst into uncontrolable hysteria. "I'm sorry I really am, I don't know what came over me, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

 

"It's swollen" said Bob.

[worldangel]

Joke: The 4 friends

 

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

 

 

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

 

 

"Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

 

 

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over.

 

 

She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do whatever you want." So here I am.

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighbourhood boys for being stupid. Their favourite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

 

 

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbour takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

 

 

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The airman

 

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

 

 

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised. Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

 

 

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.

 

 

Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The fear

 

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist.

 

 

"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed, I will come back to you," I said.

 

 

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV."

 

 

"Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Naval Officer

 

A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn’t physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance. One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Gunnery Sergeant for his personal staff.

 

 

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why yes. I couldn’t help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”

 

The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office. The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out also.

 

 

The third interview was with the Marine Gunnery Sergeant . He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together.

 

 

The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?” To his surprise the Gunnery Sergeant said, “Yes. You wear contact lenses.” The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how do you know that?” the Admiral asked.

 

 

The Gunny replied, “Well sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one ear.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

A teacher said to her class, "Right, I'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red."

 

 

Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but I like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green."

 

 

The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss." No, it's a iguana, but I like your thinking." Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib." "Johnny, that’s’ disgusting!" shouted the teacher. " no it's a match, but i like your thinking." Said Little Johnny.

[worldangel]

Joke: The blind man at the bar

 

A blind man enters a bar and finds his way to a barstool.

 

 

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartener, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

 

 

The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I’m a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What’s more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he’s a weightlifter.

 

The woman to your right is a blonde, and she’s a pro-wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?”

 

 

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

[worldangel]

Joke: When I grow up

 

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

 

 

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behaviour of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old friends

 

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry." replied her friend "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Snoring

 

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

 

 

]"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better."

The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

 

 

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[worldangel]

Joke: The three men

 

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

 

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

 

 

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

 

 

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

 

 

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

 

 

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

 

 

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

 

 

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

[worldangel]

Joke: The teacher

 

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."

 

 

The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavoured lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.

 

 

"It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The captain

 

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

 

 

He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east." The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west." Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!" "I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."

 

 

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!" There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

[worldangel]

Joke: The wedding

 

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?"

 

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

 

 

The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honour asks, "Why do you look so excited?"

 

 

The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

 

 

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.

 

 

She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Billy

 

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

 

 

When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

 

 

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

 

 

"What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Goodness I'm coming, I'm coming"

 

 

If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Male driver

 

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer?

 

 

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

 

 

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

 

 

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.

 

 

Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

 

 

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

 

 

The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

 

 

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

 

 

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

 

 

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The pharmacist & the Lady

 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

 

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

 

 

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[worldangel]

Joke: Special names

 

A tribe little boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.

Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic.

Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a

beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand.

Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage

 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.

 

 

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?"

 

 

She slams the door again. Later that night when her husband gets home she tell him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."

 

 

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispered to the wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."

 

 

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady.

 

 

The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hiccups

 

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.

 

 

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

 

 

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The hunter

 

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

 

 

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

 

 

There is a silence, then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Parent’s fighting

 

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."

 

 

The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats." At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."

 

 

A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"

[worldangel]

Joke: No fart

 

One evening, a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for.

 

 

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems okay but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.

 

 

Again, she seems okay but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

 

 

Later, the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask. "It’s pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won’t let you fart."

[worldangel]

Joke: Glue

 

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

 

 

She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No."

 

 

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

 

 

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[worldangel]

Joke: At doctor’s clinic

 

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s clinic and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

 

 

All his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off.

 

 

The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her.

 

He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpes – that’s why I am here!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The proposal

 

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem.

 

 

My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.

 

 

As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No, I am teacher

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids."

 

 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

 

 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

[worldangel]

Joke: Therapy session

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

 

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

 

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage

 

A man goes to see a wizard and says "can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago ?" "Maybe," says the wizard, "if you can remember the exact words of the curse ?"

 

 

The man replies without hesitation "I pronounce you man and wife ..."

[worldangel]

Joke: If ….

 

Mom: If a boy touches your boobs say "don't" and if he touches your pussy say "stop"?

 

Girl: But mom, he touched both so I said "don’t stop"

[worldangel]

Joke: In-laws

 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

Edited September 5, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Soldier

 

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.

 

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Have a nice weekend

 

A man in his mid-forties bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to see what the engine had. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

 

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, then 100, and finally reality hit him and he knew he shouldn’t run from the police, so he slowed down and pulled over.

 

 

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop.

 

 

I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the officer and he walked away.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad luck

 

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 

 

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

 

 

When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?" "What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. ”I think you're bad luck."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

 

 

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

 

 

The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Emergency

 

A man rushes out of his wife's hospital room. "Doctor, doctor -- my wife's been in a coma for several months, but when I just touched her left breast, she sighed!" "That's very encouraging," says the doctor. "Go back and touch her right breast. See if she reacts."

 

A few minutes later, the man rushes out again: "Doctor, she moaned!" "Very good," says the doctor. "Now try oral sex. She should certainly react to that!"

 

 

Five minutes later, the man comes out back out, white as a sheet. "Doctor -- she died." "No! What happened?" the doctor exclaims. "Well, doc," the man says tearfully, "she choked."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The sergeant

 

A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest."

 

 

24 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"

 

The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband & wife

 

Wife: "What are you doing?"

 

Husband: Nothing.

 

 

Wife: "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."

[worldangel]

Joke: You’ve got mail

 

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it, slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

 

 

A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

 

 

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Short plastic surgery

 

A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight. "I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long. Is there anything you can give me?" "Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes."

 

 

The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head. "But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"

 

 

"True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."