Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Facelift

 

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

 

 

"About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied, "Oh, you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good. While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.

 

 

He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age." There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

 

 

Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Already eating banana

 

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.

 

 

Her mom calmly said: "That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair." the girl smiled.

 

 

At dinner, she told her sister: "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said: "That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas."

[worldangel]

Joke: Arithmetic

 

Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."

Father: "Why?"

Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2×3?' and I said '6'"

Father: "But that's right!"

 

 

Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3×2?'"

Father: "What's the fucking difference?"

Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"

[worldangel]

Joke: During hard financial times

 

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”

 

 

She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry replies.

 

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual check-up

 

A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."

 

 

The man asks, "Why?" The doctor replies, "Because I'm trying to examine you"

[worldangel]

Joke: I want a puppy

 

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"

 

 

The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy." "OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.

 

 

The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"

 

 

Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby." His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At the pharmacy

 

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks if they sell extra-large condoms. ‘Yes, we do,’ says the sales assistant.

 

‘Would you like to buy some?’ ‘No thanks,’ replies the woman. ‘But if you don’t mind, I’ll wait here for someone who does.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Before the surgery

 

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 

 

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers.

 

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."

[worldangel]

Joke: Advertisement

 

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. "Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed."

 

 

Two days later her doorbell rings. "Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away." "What makes you think you are great in bed?" the woman retorts. Tim replies, "I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Any appointment tomorrow?

 

One night, a couple is in the bed and the husband smoothly caresses their wife's arm... the wife is turned and she tells him: I'm sorry but I have an appointment with the genaecologist t’s tomorrow and I want to be fresh.

 

The husband, rejected, turns back to his bed side and tries to sleep... Some minutes later it turns again and it uncovers her wife again, he whispers to her: Have you an appointment with the dentist tomorrow too?

[worldangel]

Joke: Pour me some

 

A Husband comes home with a half-gallon of Ice Cream. He asked his wife if she wants some. "How hard is it?" she asked.

 

 

"About as hard as my dick," he replies. To which the woman replied, "OK, then pour me some!"

[worldangel]

Joke: 3-5, 3-5

 

Mother Teaches Her Child To Go To The Bathroom Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers: 1. Open your fly. 2. Take out your equipment. 3. Pull back the skin. 4. Do your business. 5. Let the skin forward. 6. Stow your equipment. 7. Close your fly.

 

She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and heard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7. She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5, 3-5, 3-5.

[worldangel]

Joke: A young woman with a baby

 

A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.

 

 

She agreed. The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

 

 

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Handsome

 

Boy: What's it called when 3 people have sex?

 

Girl: A threesome.

 

Boy: What's it called when two people have sex?

 

Girl: A twosome.

 

Boy: Now you know why they call me handsome.

[worldangel]

Joke: A few hours to live

 

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"

 

 

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

 

 

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep. The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

 

 

He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says," Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Final exam

 

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

 

One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

 

 

When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

[worldangel]

Joke: What are they doing?

 

One day a girl was with her mom in the park and saw two teens having sex on the bench.

 

The little girl asked her mom, "Mommy, what are they doing?" The mom was blushing and replied, "Oh their making cakes." The next day the girl and the mom went to the zoo and saw two monkey having sex.

 

 

The little girl asked again, "Mommy, what are they doing?" Again the mother replied, "Oh their making cakes." The next day, the little girl confronted her mom, "Mommy, I know you and daddy we’re making cakes last night." The mom was frightened and asked, "How did you know?"

 

 

The little girl replied, "I licked the icing off the couch! It was good too!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At the psychologist

 

A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations." The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this picture of?" he asks.

 

 

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

 

 

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this? A picture of ?"

 

 

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations." The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations." "Me!?" demands the patient.

 

 

"You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

[worldangel]

Joke: On business trip

 

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought, "I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab." He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

 

 

He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, "What the heck, I'll give her a call." "Hello," the woman says. She sounded sexy.  "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks... We'll go hot and heavy allnight; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?"

 

 

She says, "That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two elderly men

 

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, "Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!" Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?" To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

 

 

So the second old man rushed to the store. The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?" "Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

 

 

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked. Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two elderly men

 

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex. Elmer says, "Yes sir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!" Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?" To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

 

 

So the second old man rushed to the store. The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?" "Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

 

 

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked. Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Got sick of waiting

 

A guy and a girl are lying in a room after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man, oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."

 

 

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?" "Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity." Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?" "Oh Goodness no!", the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

[worldangel]

Joke: A genie

 

While walking along a beach, a man finds a lamp and rubs it off. A genie appears and offers to grant the man one wish. The man replies, "What about three?" The genie retorts "Look pal, I'm in a hurry, I've been cooped up in that damn lamp for. . ." "OK, alright" the guy responds.

 

"Tell you what, I'm tired of paying for airplane tickets to Hawaii. I'd like you to build a bridge from California to Hawaii." This pisses the genie off. He screams, "Hey, this isn't the movies. Your wish has to be practical." "Do you know the engineering it would take to design that, the materials it would take, you'd have to compensate for plate Techtonics, the continental shelf”

 

"Geez" the guy responds, "Well, I'd really like to understand women." The genie responds "Did you want two lanes or four?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Whore house

 

A boy went into a whore house and said he wanted an AIDS's infected prostitute.

 

 

The woman at reception said room 9 top of the hall. He went to the room and did his business. When he was leaving she asked him why he wanted her she being aids infected.

 

 

The boy answered, "When I go home I'll sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with my mam then in the morning my mam will fuck the milkman and that’s the BASTARD that ran over my dog.

[worldangel]

Joke: Olympic condoms

 

A man is out shopping when he discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. He buys a pack and shows his wife.

 

‘They’re in three colours,’ he tells her, ‘Gold, silver and bronze.’ ‘So what colour are you going to wear tonight?’ she asks.

 

 

‘Gold of course,’ replies the man. ‘Why don’t you wear silver?’ replies his wife.

‘It would be nice if you came second for a change!’

[worldangel]

Joke: They do in the shower

 

Man to friend: ‘I read a survey that said half the men in the UK masturbate in the shower, and the other half sing. Do you know what they sing?’

 

 

Friend: ‘No I don’t.’

 

Man: ‘I thought you wouldn’t.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t we have a vase?

 

Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved her for more than sex, the young man bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions, however, the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers.

 

 

"I suppose," she said, "that now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread." "Why?" said the young man. "Don't we have a vase?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Excuse me

 

"Excuse me," he says to her, "do we know each other?" "Sure," she answers, "one of my children is yours!" The guy confused, thinks and suddenly remembers the only time he cheated his wife.

 

 

So he asks her: "Were you that stripper invited at a bachelor party at the suburbs last spring and we ended up having wild sex in the kitchen? You had manacled my hands and you cramped a carrot in my a…!"

 

 

The woman frowned answers: "No, I am your son’s philologist..."

[worldangel]

Joke: I caught him in bed

 

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

 

 

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said "What’s that board for?"

 

 

The trader said, "Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this." They said "No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them. I’ll refund your money next year." "Okay," they said and left.

 

 

Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said, "Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy.

 

"Where is he?" asked the trader. "I shot him" said the guy. "Why?" "I caught him in bed with my board."

[worldangel]

Joke: Speciality Doctor

 

Today most doctors specialize. My own doctor's speciality seems to be banking.

And dentists are not exactly poor either.

In fact, dental practices are so lucrative that the Dental Association is thinking of changing its motto to: "Put your money where your mouth is."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Job opening

 

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.

Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT".

It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain,” said Old Bubba.

"You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already ...........my pants! .......................

Old Bubba is now the new "Greeter" Blackwell, Wal-Mart.

[worldangel]

Joke: A heavenly ride

 

Three men died and went to heaven. Upon their arrival, St. Peter asked the first if he had been faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage. St. Peter told him that he would receive only a compact car to drive in heaven.

Then St. Peter asked the second man if he had been faithful to his wife, and the man admitted to one affair. St. Peter told him he would be given a midsize car to drive.

The third man was asked about his faithfulness, and he told St.. Peter he had been true to his wife until the day he died. St. Peter praised him and gave him a luxury car.

At wee later the three men were driving around and they all stopped at a red light.

The en in the compact and midsize cars turned to see the man in the luxury car crying.

They asked him what could possibly be the matter – after all, he was driving a luxury car.

“I just passed my wife,” he told them. “She was on a skateboard”

[worldangel]

Joke: A grand heist

 

Blonde and a Brunette are going to rob a bank.

The day before the robbery the brunette turns to the blonde and says "Do you remember the plan?" "Yes" says the blonde.

"Well let's go over it" says the Brunette.

The day of the robbery the Brunette insists that they go over the plan again so they do.

"You have 5 Minutes" says the Brunette.

20 Minutes go by and finally the Blonde comes out of the bank dragging the safe by a rope she tied to it.

The security guard comes running out with his pants around his ankles reaching for is gun.

The blonde says "F*** this" and runs to the car.

They are driving away and the Brunette screams "YOU IDIOT I TOLD YOU TO TIE UP THE SECURITY GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The sheerest lingerie

 

At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find.

"This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item.

"I want one that's more sheer," he says.

"This one is $350." "Sheerer than that."

"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

"So, how do you like it?" she asks. He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad knees

 

An elderly retiree wobbled gingerly into an ice cream shoppe and carefully, slowly climbed up onto a counter stool. He wheezed for a minute, then ordered a chocolate sundae. “Crushed nuts?” asked the server.

 

 

“No,” he answered. “Bad knees.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Old man on a bike

 

There was an old man who always rode his bike to his brother’s house every weekend. It took him 2 hours and he always made it by there by 2PM. One day he tried to make it in 1 hour. Collapsing on a hill from exhaustion, while sitting there, a Corvette pulls up and asks him if he needs a ride.

 

 

The man looks at his watch and sees he would be late if not, but there is already a passenger, so he asks how? "No problem," says the man in the corvette, "I’ve got a rope in the back and we’ll tie your bike to the back bumper and you can ride." The man says, "Ok!" They take off and the driver yells back, "Just yell beep beep if I’m going to fast."

 

 

No problem the man thinks. They come to an Intersection and a Ferrari pulls up, the man’s eyes widen in fright. Sure enough, the light changes and they're off! Anyway, the guy made it to his brothers on time and the Vette lost. Meanwhile, at the local police dept: "Hey guys the weirdest thing just happened to me. A Ferrari and a Vette just lost me at over 120 mph on Main Street." "What’s so weird about that?" asks the other cops.

 

 

The first cop says, "There was this old guy on a bike behind them screaming beep beep and trying to pass!"

Edited September 8, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: In a retirement village

 

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 75 years old, how do you honestly feel?''

 

''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just peed myself.''

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old men

 

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

 

 

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at eight o'clock I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

 

 

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at seven o'clock sharp I urinate. Every morning at eight o'clock I move my bowels. Every morning at nine o'clock sharp I wake up."

[worldangel]

Joke: Short cut

 

A biker stopped by the local Harley Shop to have his bike repaired. They couldn't do the work while he waited, and so, since he didn't live far from the shop, he decided to walk home. 

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped at the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he had a problem... How to carry his entire purchases home. 

The feed store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" said the biker, and out the door he went. 

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost, and asked if he could tell her the way to 1603 Mockingbird Lane. 

The biker said, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane." We can take a short cut down this alley and be there in no time". 

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, and then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" 

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in Hell could I possibly hold you up against a wall and do that?" 

The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Babysitting

 

A teenager came to babysit a boy.

The boy asks her if he could touch her. She said ok.

Then he said could I touch your boobs. She said yes.

Then he said could I stick my finger in your Belly Button. She said yes.

Then she said that was not my belly button and he said that was not my finger.

[worldangel]

Joke: Be careful

 

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his crotch.

The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates."

The woman replies, "Yes. Now, we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we."

[worldangel]

Joke: Who wants to go to heaven?

 

A schoolteacher tried to encourage young students to follow religion, he told them of all the attractions like ice cream chocolates candies that they will get in heaven if they worship the Heaven. Finally he asked who wants to go to heaven?

All students raised their hands except one worried little girl.

When asked what about you dear don't you want to go to heaven? With a little voice she replied, no, mommy told me to go home straight away when I leave school.

[worldangel]

Joke: First suit

 

A young successful banker decides to get his first tailor made suit.

So he visits the finest tailor in town and gets measured.

A week later he goes in for his first fitting.

He puts on the suit and he looks stunning, he feels that in this suit he can really do business.

As he is preening himself in front of the mirror, he reaches down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he finds that there are no pockets.

He mentions this to the tailor. ‘Didn’t you tell me you were a banker? The tailor asks.

The young man answers, ‘Yes, I did.’

The tailor says, ‘Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?’

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy anniversary

 

The old farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge to the pigpen when his wife longingly recalled that the next week would be their golden wedding anniversary. “Let’s have a party, Joe,” she said. “Let’s kill the pig.”

Joe scratched his head. “Gee, Philomena,” he finally said, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A plus

 

One day, a very attractive under graduate visited the professor's office.

The under graduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc.

Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest."

The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?"

To which the undergraduate cooed, "Yes, anything you say."

After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?"

The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then."

The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."

[worldangel]

Joke: How To Ask A Man To Do Something

Always remember these six important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging speech to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes.

Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt."

[worldangel]

Joke: Covering shoe

 

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed.

"If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked.

"Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend.

And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

"Go and get help!" he cried.

"But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!"

"Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself."

Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do...he's in too far."

[worldangel]

Joke: What is wrong?

 

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

 

She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: ???Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....???

Edited September 9, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Gently put

 

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.

 

"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

 

"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

Edited September 9, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: One ovary says …

 

One ovary says to the other ovary, “Hey, did you order any furniture?”

The other says, “No, why?”

“There are a couple of nuts trying to shove an organ in.”