Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A Miracle

 

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from the Heaven that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!" "This must be a sign from the Heaven!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely the Heaven wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnancy question

 

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's clinic.

 

After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

 

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

Edited September 9, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex drive

 

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." 

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" 

"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra

 

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist to fill his prescription for Viagra. "How many do you want?" asked the pharmacist. 

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe half a dozen. I cut each one into four pieces." 

Upon hearing that, the pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex." 

The old fellow said, "Oh, I'm past ninety years old and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out enough so I don't pee on my shoes." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cosmetics line

 

Luke's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she asked, "Darling, honestly what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Luke replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Luke interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Unpredictable

 

A young couple is out for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge. As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.

He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My goodness ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

[worldangel]

Joke: Experimental pills

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.

It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."

[worldangel]

Joke: Olympic condoms

 

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home, he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pinnochio’s problem

 

Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"

Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"

Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."

About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good sport

 

John receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"

Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"

Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cow auction

 

These couples go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

 

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comment, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

 

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"

The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

Edited September 10, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Going fishing

 

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.

A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

He says, "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."

His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Take the champagne

 

A man enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table, notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table, alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for the most expensive bottle of champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the champagne and decides to send a note to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, $1 million in liquid assets, and 7 inches in your pants."

Well, the man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know -- I happen to have TWO Mercedes in my garage, I have well over $2 million in assets, but not even for YOU, would I cut off 2 inches! Send the bottle back."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost wife

 

A geezer walks up to a beautiful woman in a shopping mall.

"Excuse me" he says "But I've lost my wife here somewhere and I can't find her. Could you please help me?"

"What do you need me to do?" asks the woman.

"Just stand here and talk to me" the man replies.

"How's that going to help?" she asks.

"No idea really...but every time I talk to a woman with hooters like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Back to life

 

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch the wall!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cuckoo clock

 

A Man comes back home at 3am, drunk as a skunk. He hears the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckoos nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He is very proud of himself.

The next day, his wife asks what time he got home, and he replies, "Midnight, just like I said."

She says that was good, but that they need a new cuckoo clock. When the man asks why, she answers: "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

[worldangel]

Joke: Great toast

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

[worldangel]

Joke: Wrongly put

 

Two guys are drinking at a bar.

The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?".

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'.

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'.

[worldangel]

Joke: Tell the difference

 

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.

"OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I`d end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You`d better believe there is a difference, your honor. That`s why I want the divorce." he replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnancy advice

 

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea

'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.

'Actually, yes, I do.'

'Does it hurt you?' he asked.

'No. I rather like it.'

'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'

The woman was mystified. 'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'

'Of course,' the doctor replied. 'Where do you think politicians come from?

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding deal

 

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you? 100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

 

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before the Heaven and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the? 100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Edited September 10, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Welcome to the hell

 

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with the devil.

Devil: Why so glum, chum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays That's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab, and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great.

Devil: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it.

Devil: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie - you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow. That's awesome.

Devil: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Devil: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

Devil: You into drugs?

Guy: Are you kidding? I love drugs. You don't mean....

Devil: That's right Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's alright - you're dead, who cares? O.D.!!

Guy: Yowza!! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place.

Devil: You gay?

Guy: No....

Devil: Ooooh (grimaces), You're gonna hate Fridays . . 

[worldangel]

Joke: Love on the island

 

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!"

"What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love."

"Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were." Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret box

 

Bob and Jane were married 25 years. When they first got married Bob said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 25 years of marriage Jane never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1371.75 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Jane could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bob thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Jane was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Jane asked Bob, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bob answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Vibrator husband

 

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.

She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mom.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

"For Heavensakes, what are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The expert

 

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Caught in the act

 

A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman.

She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore.

Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Friend’s visit

 

A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
" Hi, is Tony home?"

" No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

" No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

[worldangel]

Joke: On a lonely island

 

A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for company. There's plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing alright - but after a few months he gets lonely...

The pig starts to look more and more attractive - soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this poor guy makes an advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost bit his leg. Very frustrating.

One day the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it turns out to be a dinghy, cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman, unconscious. He drags her to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back health. Finally she is well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for saving my life. I don't know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything, just name it."

The guy thinks for a minute and says, "Would you mind taking my dog for a walk?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart cat

 

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Impossible story

 

Stanley, an 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got a twenty-two-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you thinkabout that?" 

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

"EXACTLY!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Road to success

 

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting stiffer

 

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.

The old man looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking for 10 years

 

This couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"

 

The husband looked over and nodded.

"Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

Edited September 11, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Doing the house work

 

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about
it.

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken robbery

 

A drunk had 14 shots of tequila and thereafter he decides to go home.

2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk calls 911, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies," someone broke into my car, they stole the steering wheel, the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the dashboard."

Minute later police arrive on the scene.

The drunk goes up to the head officer and says, "Nevermind, I’ve got into the backseat by mistake."

[worldangel]

Joke: Not your business

 

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Erection problems

 

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you unless you're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "And that would be?"

"Well," the Doctor explains, "What we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it."

Jack went under the knife, and, after a period of recovery and healing, returned to the Doc for his blessing. Following the examination, the Doc pronounced Jack "healed and ready for action".

Eager to use his experimentally enhanced equipment, Jack planned a romantic evening for his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town, anticipating a happy conclusion to the evening.

In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being painful.

To release the pressure, Jack placed his napkin on his lap and unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, flipped the napkin on the floor, went to the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his pants!

His girlfriend was stunned at first but then, imagining the possibilities, said with a sly smile and a gleam in her eye, "That was incredible! Can you do it again?"

Jack groaned, "Probably, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass."

[clementi]

Joke: Flasher

 

There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first lady immediately had a stroke.

Then the second lady also had a stroke.

But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Chasing elephants

 

A man is driving on a city bus with a newspaper on his knee. From time to time, he rips a piece off, ripping that piece into smaller ones and throwing them out the window.

 

 

A passenger standing near him asks:

-Excuse me, why are you throwing pieces of paper out the window?
-I’m chasing away the elephants
-Chasing elephants? There aren’t elephants in the city.
-Well that means it's working!

[clementi]

Joke: Foreseen death

 

Fellow 1: "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that but he knew what time he would die that day and he was right about that too."

Fellow 2: "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"

Fellow 1: "A judge told him."

[clementi]

Joke: The cat

 

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.

 

The store owner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."

 

And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to eat and it'll save me from having to get a dish."

 

And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."

Edited September 11, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: What is in a name?

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Oh, my goodness

 

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Under the carpet

 

One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," the carpet layer said to himself. So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Seeing-eye dogs

 

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly
got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet lobster

 

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Every day I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold chili

 

A man enters a cafe, sits down & notices that the special of the day is cold chili. When the waitress comes to take his order, he says, "I'll take the cold chili." "I'm sorry, the gentlemen next to you got the last bowl," says the waitress. "Oh. I'll just have coffee, then." After a while the man notices that the guy next to him who got the last bowl of cold chili is finishing a rather large meal and the chili bowl is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

The other man replies, "No." "Would you sell it to me?" "You can have it for free if you want it."

So the man takes the bowl of chili and begins to eat it. When he gets about half way through the bowl, he notices a dead mouse in the bowl and pukes the chili back into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "That's about as far as I got, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Porcupine injury

 

Dr. Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. He surpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to him after an encounter with a porcupine.

After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, he returned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed.

"Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered.

"Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong with you Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors. Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?"

"Raise porcupines, Ma'am."

[worldangel]

Joke: Expensive apples

 

A guy's driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign Saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.

He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples.

" The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "son of a gun - jelly!" The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

 

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bit and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some.

" Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit." The farmer says, "Turn it around!"