Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Is this my train?

 

Lady: Is this my train?

Station Master: No, it belongs to the Railway Company.

Lady: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to Kuala Lumpur?

Station Master: No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad & very bad news

 

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.

Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor’s meeting

 

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Push

 

A man was sound asleep on a rainy night and was aroused from his sleep by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM.

His wife says, "Answer the door!".

So he begrudgingly gets up and goes to the door. The guy, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, "I need a push!".

The man says, "It's 3:00 AM. No! I can't help you." And he slams the door. He goes back to bed. And his wife says, "What was that all about?"

The man says, "It was a drunk. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. It's 3 o'clock in the morning. I'm not about to out in the rain at this hour!"

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. The guy was nowhere to be seen.

He hollered, "Do you still need help?" "Hey buddy, do you still need a push?"

Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, "Yeah! I still need a push."

The man says, "Where are you?"

The drunk responds, "I'm over here on the swing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Software daddy

 

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" Junior asks his dad, “His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies:

"Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother
agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted
in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

You've Got Male'!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What a computer?

 

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.

After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper, which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to! wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter is gettin' screwed by three guys at the same time and having urinary infection. Put her on antibiotic and keep a track of her outings.

4. Your wife is pregnant . . twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. And bastard,....... if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better !!!!!!!

Edited September 15, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Why I fired my secretary?

 

As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet, said, 

"Good morning boss. 

Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. 

I worked until noon. Then, Janet knocked on my door and said "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." 

I said, "Oh yeah, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. 

Let's go." 

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go;  we went out to the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. 

On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day.


We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." 

She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."

"Sure," I excitedly replied. 

She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, All singing Happy Birthday. 

And there I sat...on the couch..........without clothes.

[worldangel]

Joke: Considering cop

 

Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?".

 

The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K..

 

He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."

 

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that asshole would've tried that sh*t with me!"

Edited September 15, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Weird counting

 

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sleeping pills

 

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill"!

[worldangel]

Joke: Kayak accident

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my Goodness!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[worldangel]

Joke: Spitting in the drink

 

A guy goes into a bar. He orders a beer, and after a while he needs to go to the toilet. Because he is afraid someone will drink his beer, he puts a small note on it that says: "I spit in this beer, do not drink!".

After a few minutes he returns, and there is another note on the beer, saying "So did I!".

[worldangel]

Joke: Everybody drinks

 

A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!" Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy.

Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!".  Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar.

When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!".

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory test

 

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.

 

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

 

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Edited September 15, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: New partner

 

A businessman called his lazy son into his office and announces some great news: "From now on, son, I'd like you to become a full-time partner in the company. Now, which part of the company would you like to be in charge of?".

 

"Well", said the son, "I hate the shipping room, I get a panic attack whenever I am inside the bookkeeping department, I can't get along with the people at sales"...

His father stopped him and said: "Well then, what WOULD you like the most, as a full-time partner"?

The son replied: "I guess the most of all, I'd like you to buy me out".

Edited September 15, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Revenge

 

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh!

 

WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!

 

 

Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

 

 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men

 

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

 

 

Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

 

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

 

 

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

 

 

The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

[worldangel]

Joke: Passing gas

 

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re drunk, dad

 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and has a drink. Suddenly, a man hollers at him, "I screwed your mom last night!" Disturbed, the man tries to ignore him.

 

 

Again, he hears, "Your mom was good in bed last night!" Again, he tries to ignore it. The man is just about to speak again but the guy stops him and says, "Dad, go home, you're drunk!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The new taxi driver

 

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

 

 

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

 

 

The driver replied, "Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s the difference?

 

Son - "Dad what’s the difference between confident and confidential?"

 

 

Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."

[worldangel]

Joke: Migraine

 

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. "Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience.

 

 

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone.

 

 

Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks." Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!" "Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help." "By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house.

[worldangel]

Joke: At doctor’s clinic

 

An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

 

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week." The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[worldangel]

Joke: At the gates of heaven

 

There was three people approaching the gates of heaven but there was only one place left. The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.

The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill.

 

So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack." That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.

 

 

"Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing at my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me" That is to horrific.

 

 

He asked the third man how he died and he said. "Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hunters

 

Two hunters from a big city charter a small plane to fly them to Siberia to go bear hunting. On landing, the pilot says, "Remember, this plane can only fly with two hunters, one pilot, and ONE bear."

 

 

The hunters go out and return with two bears. So the pilot says, "I told you ONE bear!" But the hunters point out that the previous year, on payment of an extra 100 rubles, the pilot had let them put two bears on board.

 

 

After long discussion centering on the impossibility of the thing and the disgraceful degree of inflation, the pilot takes 200 rubles and with much pushing and shoving the hunters get aboard with the two bears. After struggling into the air and fitfully flying for about two hours, the plane gives up and plummets to the earth in a snowbank.

 

 

Climbing out from under the snow and the bears, the hunters ask the pilot where he thinks they are. The pilot says, "About the same place where we crashed last year."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sherlock Homes

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute.

 

 

"Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

 

 

Theologically, I can see that the Heaven is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe." But what does it tell you, Holmes?" Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At the courtroom

 

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw." From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

 

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator. "Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

 

 

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?" "I've lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The archaeologist

 

An archaeologist in Middle-East was taking a walk in the town square one morning. He had to get back to the hotel for a meeting but had forgotten his wristwatch.

 

 

He was walking by an old man sitting on a low stool by his camel and asked if he knew the time. The old man slowly reached over and pushed the camel's testicles to one side and then released them, letting them swing to a stop. "10:27" he said.

 

 

The archaeologist was stunned as he had never seen someone tell time like that before. He rushed back to the hotel to find his colleagues and then brought them back to the town square to find the old man. Having found him again, the archaeologist said, "I will give you this $50 bill if you'll show me how you tell time.

 

 

The old man pocketed the $50 bill and said, "OK, kneel down here with me and put your head close to mine. Now swing the camel's testicles out of the way. Now, can you see the clock on that building over there?"

[worldangel]

Joke: I forgot

 

A sixty-four-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

 

 

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand, every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best an old man could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love." He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him.

 

 

"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you sitting here on this park bench crying?" The senile old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two eagles

 

A pair of eagles was flying over the Rockies when a jet dashed by. “Goodness,” said one, “look at that son of a gun move!”

“Well,” said the other, “you would move too if you had four assholes and they were all on fire.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Three little old ladies

 

Three little old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by in only an overcoat and opened it as wide as it could go.

 

The first little old lady had a stroke, the second little old lady also had a stroke, but the third little old lady couldn't reach.

[worldangel]

Joke: Redneck boy

 

A redneck boy runs into his house and proclaims, "I've found the girl that I'm gonna marry! And she's a virgin!" Incensed, his father pounds his fist on the table.

 

"There's no way you'll marry that girl! If she aint' good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."

[worldangel]

Joke: Halftime

 

A man farts in bed next to his wife. His wife asks, "What in the world was that?" He replies, "Touchdown. I'm winning, seven nothing."

 

 

She decides to get even, so she lets one loose. He yells at her, "What was that?" She replies, "Touchdown, tie score." He wants to get her back, but he tries so hard he sh*ts in bed.

 

 

The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?" He replies, "Halftime, switch sides."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding tattoo

 

Brian and Cindy Blossom were about to have their first wedding anniversary and Cindy wanted to do something special.

She decided to get a tattoo because Brian thought they were very sexy.

She goes to the tattoo parlor and can't decide on a design, so she decides to get Brian's initials BB tattooed on her ass.

She gets a B on each cheek.

She goes home and waits for Brian to come home.

When she hears his car pull into the driveway, she drops her pants bends over and grabs her ankles making her new tattoo the first thing he sees when he walks in.

The door opens, her husband walks in and with an angered look on his face he yells "WHO THE HELL IS BOB?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pardon my questions

 

One day, a man was fishing on a dock across from a hotel in the country, when another man came and sat down. By way of conversation, the man asked the other what he was doing there.

 

 

"I'm on a honeymoon." "Oh. Shouldn't you be having sex with your wife?" "Well, I would be. But she has a yeast infection." "What about oral sex?" "Gingivitis." "Anal sex?" "Diarrhea."

 

 

"Pardon my question, but why are you with her?" "Well, I like fishing. And she's got worms."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two black eyes

 

A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened. The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.

 

 

She turned around and punched me square in the eye." "Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks. "Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the pearly’s gate

 

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack. "How did that happen?" asks the first guy.

 

 

"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."

 

 

"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mental health hotline

 

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

 

 

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969.

 

 

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the dash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother’s maiden name.

 

 

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

 

 

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9…

[worldangel]

Joke: All-you-can-eat restaurant

 

At a all-you-can-eat restaurant Josh came back to the table, his plate full for the fifth time.

 

 

“Josh!” exclaimed his mother. “Doesn’t it embarrass you that people have seen you go up to the buffet table five times?”

 

 “Not a bit,” said Josh, “I just tell them I’m filling up the plate for you!”

[worldangel]

Joke: 24-hours to live

 

Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live.

Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die?" She says, "Of course, dear. "And they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. “Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could.....?"

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning...You don't."

[worldangel]

Joke: Surgery

 

This older man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

 

As he was about to receive the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?"

 

"Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"

Edited September 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A hound dog

 

A hound dog lays in the yard and an old man in overalls sits on the porch.

 

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" a jogger asks. The old man looks over his newspaper and replies, "Nope." As soon as the jogger enters the yard, the dog begins snarling and growling, and then attacks the jogger's legs. As the jogger flails around in the yard, he yells, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

 

 The old man mutters, "Ain't my dog."

Edited September 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The secret

 

Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want." The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret." The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!"

 

 

The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom here is $10." The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15." The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"

 

 

The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Annual check-up

 

An 80 year old man was having his annual check-up when the doctor asked how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an 18 year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

 

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

 

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No, what?"

 

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must of shot the bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[worldangel]

Joke: The best deals

 

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a store opened next door with a huge sign that said, BEST DEALS!”

 

To make things worse, another store opened on the other side with a huge sign reading “LOWEST PRICES!”

 

He nearly panicked until he had the idea to put up his own sign, bigger that the other two, that read, “MAIN ENTRANCE.”

[worldangel]

Joke: At hospital

 

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital.

 

The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands.

 

"Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?" "I don’t see why not," replies the doctor. "That’s funny," says the man. "I wasn’t able to play it before."

[worldangel]

Joke: Me and the Policeman

 

Police: Where do you live?

Me: With my parents. Police: Where does your parent’s live?

Me: With me.

Police: Where do you all live?

 

Me: Together.

 

Police: Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbour’s house.

Police: Where is your neighbour’s house? Me: If i tell you, you won’t believe me.

 

Police: Tell me

Me: Next to my house...

[worldangel]

Joke: Frog & Engineer

 

An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

 

 

The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket. The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!" Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.

 

 

Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?" The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The robot

 

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some homework." The robot slaps the son.

 

The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son.

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." The robot slaps the mother. Robot for sale...

[worldangel]

Joke: Eating ice-cream

 

It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes."

 

 

So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream.

 

 

Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."

 

 

The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."