Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: In the train toilet

 

I was having a shit in the train toilet today, when some bloke knocked on the door.

 

He said, "Can I see your ticket please?" "Not right now" I shouted, "I'm having a shit!" He said, "I don't believe you, can you pass it under the door?"

 

"No problem," I said, sliding it under. "The yellow bits are sweetcorn."

[worldangel]

Joke: Chevrolet Avalanche

 

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that truck?!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?"

demanded his parents.

 

They knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost. "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don’t know her name - they just moved in.

 

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on."

 

So the boy"s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Chevrolet Avalanche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband.

 

"I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he had run off to Hawaii with his mistress and really doesn’t intend to come back." "He claimed he was stranded and needed cash, and asked me to sell his new Chevrolet Avalanche and send him the money. So I did."

[worldangel]

Joke: IT Specialist

 

An IT Specialist dies and goes to hell, and is greeted by Satan.

Satan says, "I'm in a good mood today, I let you pick out which of three rooms you'd rather be in."

He leads Bill to the first room. It is filled with lava and people getting tortured.

He goes forward to the next room where there is people standing in fire screaming.

So he is taken to the next room where there is a beautiful woman, a bottle of wine and A COMPUTER!!

He says "I'll take this room thanks!" So Satan locks him in and then one of his messengers come racing up asking: "Why are you putting him in there?"

And Satan says, "There is a hole in the wine bottle, no hole in the lady and the computer is Windows 95 and it is missing three keys."

"Which keys?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[worldangel]

Joke: I am a Vet

 

Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?"

 

 

Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor."

 

 

Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?" 

 

Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor & Patient

 

Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?"

Doctor: "How old are you now?"

 

 

Patient: "40"

Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?"

 

 

Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice."

Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Heading off to college

 

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class.

 

"Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.

 

 

"Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The road line-painter

 

Paddy got a job as a road line-painter.

 

He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.

 

"You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss.

 

"That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s wrong with me, Doc?

 

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

 

She rattles off: "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?"

 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight..."

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s the difference?

 

What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks?

 

You have pressure when your wife is pregnant.

 

 

You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant.

 

 

You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!

[worldangel]

Joke: Mental asylum

 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

 

 

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

 

 

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

 

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.” "Do you want a room with or without a view?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two young guys

 

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

 

 

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? " "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

 

 

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

 

 

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your a**hole before prison... .'"

[worldangel]

Joke: 50^th Wedding anniversary

 

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home. "Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

 

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say, should we get naked?" The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

 

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The widow

 

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. “We were married twenty-five years before he died,” she said, dabbing away a tear.

 

“Never had an argument in all those years.” “Amazing,” said the councilor. “How did you do it?” “I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Three retirees

 

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were having a conversation one fine Sunday evening. One remarked to the other, ‘I got a new hearing device and it works fine?'

 

The second said, ‘oh yes, my grandchildren just love the gifts of my choice.' The third one who noticed the hearing device in the ear of the first one asked, what kind is it?'

 

The one with the brand new hearing device answered ‘about 6 O'clock'. All three of them looked up in the birds in the sky and said, "Birds of the same feather ‘flock' together."

[worldangel]

Joke: I know the gender

 

A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

 

'What are you doing dear?' 'Swatting flies - I got 3 males and 2 females' 'How do you know what sex they were?'

 

The man very confidently replied, "Easy - 3 were on the beer and 2 were on the phone."

[clementi]

Joke: The flight

 

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles.

 

The weather head is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.

 

 

You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Business class yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[clementi]

Joke: My birthday

 

Guy: I hope I don't get a cake on my birthday.

Girl: Why?

 

Guy: Because I wouldn't be able to blow the candles out.

Girl: Why?

 

Guy: Because you just took my breath away!

 

[clementi]

Joke: Boy vs English

 

One Boy got admission in the English School for 3rd standard (Before he was in overseas school).

As soon as he entered the home from school he called for his mother Mom.... 

Suddenly one of his uncle asked what you will call for your mother's small sister and big sister? 

He replied Minimom & Maximom.

[clementi]

Joke: Once a time

 

Once a time, a boy is following a girl.

Girl: Don't follow me my mother is coming behind you.

Boy: Don't worry, my father is following her.

[clementi]

Joke: No wife, no tension

 

Wives are like a net virus: 

They enter your life,

Scan your pockets,

Edit your mind,

Download problems,

and Delete your happiness...

NO WIFE NO TENSION...

[clementi]

Joke:  Short Jokes 1

 

Man : How old is your father? 

Boy : As old as me. 

Man : How can that be? 

Boy : He became a father only when I was born 
 

Edited September 19, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Short Jokes 2

 

Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field" 
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field 
Teacher : How? 
Student : Ladies first. 


 

Edited September 19, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Short Jokes 3

 

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window! 
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor. 
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions 
 

[clementi]

Joke: Short Jokes 4

 

A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST. 
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE.. 
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!

[clementi]

Joke: Three Feelings

 

 

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Without glasses

 

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.

I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fire! Fire!

 

Q: What’s happens when a whore house catches fire?

A: Some come out running and some run out coming!!

Edited September 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: An Argument

 

Bill sits up at the bar and says, “Poor me a double, Jack. I just had a fight with the old lady.”

 

“Oh yeah? How did this one end? Let’s just say when it was over she came to me on her hands and knees.”

“Really? Now that’s a switch! What did she say?” She said, “Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Mortuary man

 

Two men work in a mortuary.

 

One says to another, "You should see that woman they brought in today. She'd been in the water for a week. Her clit was like a pickle."

 

"Ew!" says the other fellow. "It was green?" "No, it was sour!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Best veggies in town

 

This small farm town had a vegetable fair to see who grew the biggest and best vegetables at harvest time and every year the same old man won first place.

So one day his young and beautiful next-door neighbor asked him "How do you grow such big tomatoes mister?"

The man hesitated for a minute and whispered "Well honey, every morning at dawn, I take my robe off and flash the garden. "

The young woman was intrigued by his strategy and decided to try it also.

The following season the woman knocked on the old man's door.

The man came out and the girl confessed that she had been flashing her garden also but showed him that her tomatoes weren't any better than before.

After showing him the vegetables the young woman said, "My tomatoes may not be great, but you should see my cucumbers!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishing day

 

Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

 

 

He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?" "Why do you want me to throw them at you?" "Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."

 

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange trout." "Why's that?" "Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange trout. That's what she'd like for supper tonight."

[worldangel]

Joke: At Pearly Gates

 

Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die. Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

 

 

 

There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer. "I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.

 

 

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it... and the blonde doesn't."

[worldangel]

Joke: The elephant memory man

 

Man visits in a third-world country and meets an old man in the town square who is renowned for his elephantine memory. He asks the old man what he had for breakfast on the same day 15 years back.

 

"Eggs," replies the old man, the man scoffs at this saying everyone has eggs for breakfast and walks away. Ten years later he returns to the same country and sees the same old man on the same spot, goes to him and asks, "How?" The old man takes one look at his face and replies, "Scrambled."

[worldangel]

Joke: The professors

 

A professor was walking along a very narrow street when he came face to face with a rival professor.

 

The street was too narrow for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height, said haughtily: "I never make way for fools!"

 

 

Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said: "I always do."

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy with his pet

 

A Guy goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says, "I bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument that this octopus can't play." The people in the bar look around and someone fetches out an old guitar.

 

 

The octopus has a look, picks it up, tunes up the strings and starts playing the guitar. The octopus' owner pockets the fifty bucks. The next guy comes up with a trumpet, octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy hands over another fifty bucks to the octopus' owner.

 

 

The bar owner has been watching all this and disappears out back, coming back a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm. He puts them on the bar and says to the guy, "Now if your octopus can play that I'll give you a hundred dollars."

 

 

The octopus takes a look at the bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, and has another look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner comes up and says, "What are you pissing around for? Hurry up and play the damn thing!" The octopus says, "Play it? If I can figure out how to get it's pajama's off, I'm gonna screw it!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Guns Gonzales

 

A man walks into a bar one day and asks the bartender if he knows a man named Two Guns Gonzales. The bartender says no but he tells him that the man in the back named No Guns knows him.

 

 

So the guy walks to the back of the bar and asks the man if he knows a guy named Two Guns Gonzales. The man says, "Let me tell you a story...

 

 

One day about a week ago, I was riding into town on my horse and this large man with two guns comes riding up to me and says, "Get off your horse." Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I get off my horse. Then he says, "Now drop your pants."

 

Well, Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I take off my pants. Then he says, "Now s**t." Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I s**t. Then he says, "Now eat it." Well Two Guns has two guns and No Guns has no guns, what could I do? I eat it. Now, Two Guns is laughing so hard, he drops his guns! I grab them! Now I say, "Drop your pants." Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He drops his pants.

 

 

Then I say, "Now s**t." Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He s**ts. Then I say, "Now eat it." Well Two Guns has no guns and No Guns has two guns, what could he do? He eats it. So when you ask me if I know a man named Two Guns Gonzales, the answer is yes: I had lunch with him last week."

[worldangel]

Joke: Routine police patrol

 

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. 

 

 

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

 

 

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.  At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

 

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.  To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.

 

 

This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[worldangel]

Joke: I wish to report

 

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbour, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!” “Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

 

 

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbour’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbours and leave.

 

 

The phone rings at the neighbour’s house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?” “Yep.” “Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.” “Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I am sorry Sir …….

 

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

 

 

The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample." "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac.

 

If I do that, I'll bleed to death." "Well, then we need a urine sample." "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar." "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm too drunk to do that."

[worldangel]

Joke: A single man

 

A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of maturity.

That's why he dates someone half his age.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Won the safety competition

 

A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that he has just won $5,000 in a safety competition, all because he is wearing his seat belt.

 

 

"What are you going to do with the prize money?" the officer asks. The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving school and get my license." His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him. He's a smart aleck when he's drunk."

 

 

The guy in the back seat pops up out from under the blanket and says, "I knew we wouldn't get far in this stolen car." Just then a knock comes from the trunk and a voice calls out, "Are we over the border yet?"

[worldangel]

Joke: I am taking them to the beach

 

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

 

 

The guy says OK, and drives away. The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”

 

The guy replies: “I did . . . today I’m taking them to the beach!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Entrepreneurial prostitutes

 

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: "Two Prostitutes – $50.00." A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail. Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: "Heaven Saves." "How come you don’t stop them?" asked one of the girls. "Well, that’s a little different," the officer replied… "their sign pertains to religion."

 

 

The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car.

 

 

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter – $50.00."

[worldangel]

Joke: My wife ran away ……

 

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

 

 

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behaviour, I'll let you go."

 

 

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re pregnant

 

A young girl is feeling under the weather so she goes to the family doctor. “Young lady,” says the doctor, “you’re pregnant.”

“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists, and in our colony we practice sex only with our eye.”

“Well, my dear,” said the physician, “someone in that colony is cock-eyed.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: 5 Secrets of a perfect relationship

 

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

 

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

 

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

 

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

 

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

[worldangel]

Joke: A soldier at war

 

Denis had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations.

He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn’t seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, “Mommy, Mommy, here come Daddy he’s got a purple heart on!” to which the mother replied, “I don’t give a dam what colour it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses’ for a couple of hours.”

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly couple

 

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.

 

 

He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them."

 

The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three police officers

 

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven. The Heaven greets them and asks, "When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

 

 

The first cop says, "I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force." The second police officer says, "I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty."

The last cop replies, "I would like to hear them say ... Look, He's Moving!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I wanna speak to the burglar

 

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

 

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no no!" said the man.

 

 

"I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"