Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: On a desert island

 

Five men and one woman wash up on a desert island after a shipwreck. Before long they are all getting pretty horny so they all make a deal. Each man will marry the woman for one week at a time, at which point the next man in line will marry her and so on.

 

 

All the men get sex every five weeks and the woman gets sex as often as she wants with a different man each week. The situation works wonderfully for five years. When the woman suddenly dies... The first week after wasn't too bad.

 

 

The second week was getting sort of bad. The third week was getting pretty bad. The fourth week was really bad. The fifth week was horrible! By the sixth week it was unbearable... so they buried her.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I am the groom

 

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

 

 

"But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet!

 

 

You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

 

 

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Edited September 20, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The trooper

 

A state trooper pulls over a car for speeding and the female driver says "I guess you want to sell me some tickets to the Trooper's Ball?"

 

The trooper responded, "Troopers don't have balls, ma'am." After he realized what he said, he simply walked back to his car and drove away.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two statues

 

Two statues, male and female, faced each other in the city park for many years. An angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

 

 

The statues came to life and smiled at each other. They ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

 

 

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?" The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" Giggling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time, you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on its head!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A pair of underwear

 

There was this guy who was sick, so he went to the doctor. The doc ran some tests and sent him home with some medicine.

 

 

The next day the doctor called and the wife answered. "I'm going to need to run a few more tests", the doctor said. "I'm going to need a semen, urine and a faecal sample".

 

 

After she hung up the husband asked, "What did the doctor say?" "He needs a pair of your underwear".

[worldangel]

Joke: Head & Shoulders

 

A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street.

The brunette says to the blonde, "My boyfriend has dandruff so I give him Head and Shoulders."

The blonde replies: "How do you give shoulders?!?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bar success

 

A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime location having a drink.

During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with no luck.

Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women.

Minutes later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you ever saw.

Disheartened by all this, the good looking guy calls the bartender, and says “Excuse me, but do you know that man’s secret? I mean, he’s not what you’d call attractive … in fact; he’s ugly as sin …and yet the ladies adore him. I’m everything a girl could want but I haven’t been able to score all night. What’s going on?”

“Well,” said the barman, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink and just sits there licking his eyebrows.”

[worldangel]

Joke: At a party

 

At a party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest- a large, oversexed woman making advances to her husband.

She tried to ignore it until they disappeared into a bedroom together.

Immediately she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and yelled:

“Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t install them!”

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re pregnant

 

A young girl is feeling under the weather so she goes to the family doctor. “Young lady,” says the doctor, “you’re pregnant.”

“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists, and in our colony we practice sex only with our eye.”

“Well, my dear,” said the physician, “someone in that colony is cock-eyed.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Three drifters

 

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for some time. They come upon a small farmhouse with crops planted around it. They are very hungry, thirsty, and tired so the first guy suggests they steal some food.

 

 

The second says they should ask for food, so he then goes up and knocks on the door and an old, ugly lady answers. He asks for food and she agrees - but only under one condition. They must have sex with her. The first drifter says no, the lady is too ugly, and goes back into the woods.

 

 

The third guy is very hungry and agrees. He enters the cottage and goes into a corner near a pile of corn to transact his business with the old lady. The old lady is ready, but the guy says he'll only do it if she's blindfolded. So she puts on a blindfold and bends over. Quickly the guy grabs an ear of corn and sticks it inside the old lady, then throws it out the window.

 

 

The woman says, "Again," and the man does the same thing. Satisfied, she gives the man some food and he leaves. As he is walking out of the farmhouse, he comes upon the other two guys. "Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you screwed that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The mortician student

 

An University mortician student walked into the embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt.

 

 

Mystified, he pulled it out and immediately heard the University fight song come out of the guy's butt. Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back into its original resting place. He then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "Sir, you must come, you won't believe what I discovered!"

 

 

Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, "Let's take a look at this astounding discovery." When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork. Upon hearing the University fight song, he quickly replaced the cork in the cadaver's butt and said, "What's so surprising about that? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old men

 

These two old men are in a nursing home.

They’re talking and realize that it's been years since they have had sex.

So they sneak out and go to the closest whorehouse.

Once inside they go to the Pimp and ask for the two best girls.

The Pimp thought "I'm not going to waste my two best girls on these guys I'll just give them inflatable women. They are old and they won't know the difference."

Once the old men finish they leave.

On their way back they start talking. The first guy said, " I think mine was dead she didn't move or anything."

The second guy said I think mine was a witch because when I nibbled on her neck she farted and flew out the window."

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage counselling

 

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor asks the wife, “What’s the problem?” She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well not exactly, she is the one that suffers, not me.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage counselling

 

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor asks the wife, “What’s the problem?” She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

The husband replies, “Well not exactly, she is the one that suffers, not me.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The three experts

 

A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic Ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roast beef.

 

 

They start debating how to open the can without can-opener. Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it.

 

 

Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire. Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The great bike

 

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

 

 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

 

 

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[worldangel]

Joke: Living alone

 

An aging man lived alone. His only son was in Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.

 

 

The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply. "For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS! At 4 A.M. the next morning a dozen soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

 

Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

Edited September 21, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hunters

 

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.

 

 

"Hey, I don’t want to tell you how to do something… but I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.

 

 

A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" "Yeah, but we’re getting farther from the truck," the other added.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost luggage

 

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

 

 

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "Has your plane arrived yet?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Time-off

 

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

 

 

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

 

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t forget the coffee

 

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

 

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob."

 

 

All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At Ikea

 

A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea. She reads the instructions and builds the wardrobe.

 

 

As soon as it’s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces. The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces. The lady is furious and calls Ikea. Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it.

 

 

When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says: "Ok, I’m going to my next client." To which the lady says: "NO! Wait! You’ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..." The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.

 

 

After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees. 10 minutes later the husband arrives and says: "Ahh lovely honey you bought us a new wardrobe..."

 

 

He opens it up and says: "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" To which the worker replies: "I’m waiting for the bus!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bed-time story

 

Mr. Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.

 

 

"Once upon a time there was a white bunny..." "Jeez..dad it's boring, what about science fiction?" "Ok,Ok" Mr Brown said.

 

 

"Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and...." "Dad, a little more grown up!"

 

"Do you promise me not to tell your mom?" asked Mr Brown. " I swear!" "Ok", "Once upon a time there was a naked bunny..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Will, Hi Cowboy!

 

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

 

 

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

 

 

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi, Cowboy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Spoiled evening

 

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard. The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house.

 

 

They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in.

 

 

The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit. The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother." A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

 

 

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Truck driver

 

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

 

 

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie.

 

 

The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied.

 

"He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Coffee Is Better Than Women

 

 - A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.

- You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.

 

- You won't get arrested for picking up coffee on the street at 3 a.m.

- You can make coffee as sweet as you want.

 

- You can get cup after cup of different coffees all day long.

- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.

 

 

- Coffee doesn't talk to you.

- Most coffee is hot, unless you request it otherwise.

 

 

- Coffee stains are easier to remove.

- Coffee is ready in 10 minutes or less.

 

 

- When coffee gets cold, you can throw it away.

- When you drink coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.

 

- Coffee doesn't take up half your bed and all the hot water.

[worldangel]

Joke: The genie

 

A man was strolling along a beach. On giving the sand a kick he struck a corked bottle. He bent down, picked it up and removed the cork. Immediately, a Genie came out of the bottle and said to him, "Master, I have been a prisoner in this bottle for a thousand years and now you have set me free. For that, I will grant you one wish."

 

The man thought for a moment then said, "I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am afraid to fly and I get sick on a ship. Could you build a highway from California to Hawaii?" "Master, that is a difficult wish to fulfill. Can you think of something that is more practical?"

 

The man thought for a moment and said, "Could you tell me why women are the way they are?" The Genie thought for a moment before replying, "Would that be two lanes or four?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior citizen driver

 

There is a senior citizen driving on the highway.

 

 

His wife calls him on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on Route 280!''

 

 

Herman says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''

[worldangel]

Joke: Two eggs

 

Two eggs were kissing on a bed when the female egg said, "I have to go change. I'll be back in a minute."

 

Five minutes later, the female egg walked out in a slinky "egglige, rubbing her hands up and down her smooth, oval-shaped body. Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. "What are you doing?," the female egg asked.

 

He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon."

[worldangel]

Joke: Never come home

 

I did so much crack, one day I broke in my own house.

 

I ain't lying. I was halfway out the door with the TV before I realized it was my place.

 

And before I broke in, I used to stand outside and case the joint.

Finally, I said, "Damn, this brother will never come home!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The prisoner

 

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

 

 

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replies in a letter: "Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he receives another letter from his wife.

 

 

"Dear husband, you wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up the back garden." The prisoner writes back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

[worldangel]

Joke: The spaceman

 

A spaceman landed on the moon. To his surprise he saw ahead of him a little shop, with the name above it: "MORRIE COHEN, BESPOKE TAILORS."

 

Curious, he went into the shop. A surprised looking man appeared behind the counter.

 

"Who are you?" he asked. "I’m a spaceman," replied the spaceman.

 

The man closed his eyes, and slapped his own cheek with one hand. "Cutters, I asked for. And they send me spacemen!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Decent accommodation

 

A student was lucky to find a decent accommodation with a cheap rent. His colleagues came to visit him and he was showing them the house. "This is the kitchen. This is the bedroom. And this one is the living room ... "

 

 

"And what are this hammer and this pot that are hanging on the wall for? What are you going to do with them?" one of his colleagues asked. "This is a talking clock." "I have never seen a clock like that. Can you show me how it works?"

 

 

"Sure. Look," the student said. He took the hammer and struck at the pot with all his strength. Then a voice was heard from the other side, "What you are doing? Are you crazy? It is half past one in the night, you idiot!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What We Learn From the Movies'

 

 It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

 

 

If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

 

 

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts, your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

 

After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking. No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

 

 

Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken father

 

A Mom goes to the store shopping. She tells to the children, "Your father will return very drunk. Undress him down to the waist and put him to sleep." "Why to the waist", the children interested. "Because your father has a large snake below and it can bite you."

 

 

The mother returned and her children met her at the door, "Mom! Mom! Dad came home! We undress him all and put him to sleep." "Are you undressed him the entire", mother worried? "What happened with the snake?" "Don't worry, Mom!" proudly answered the children.

 

 

"The snake was strangled with dad's belt, her eggs were trampled and the nest was burnt."

[worldangel]

Joke: The three professionals

 

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

 

 

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"

 

 

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

[worldangel]

Joke: Skydiving

 

A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.

 

 

Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?

 

 

The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?

[worldangel]

Joke: Health inspector

 

The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza.

 

 

The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt. As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.

 

 

Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked an bewildered, the health inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

 

"That's nothing," replied the manager, "You should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!"

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 or 4 spoons

 

There was a guy that was sick he went to the doctor and said "Doctor I have a fever”

 

The doctor said, "You will have to take 4 spoons of the medicine."

 

 

The sick one said, "but doctor, I only have 3 spoons what shall I do?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three girls

 

Jenna, Jessica and Ariana die.

 

 

They all go to heaven and the Heaven says, "You can do whatever you want, just don't step on a pink cloud".

 

 

The first day, Jenna goes out and comes back with a ugly guy. Jessica and Ariana ask, "what happen?".

 

 

Jenna says, "I stepped on a pink cloud". The next day, Jessica goes out, she comes back with a ugly guy. Jenna and Ariana ask, "what happen?".

 

 

Jessica says, "I stepped on a pink cloud". The following day Ariana goes out and comes back with a HOTT guy, blue eyes, thin and tall.

 

Jenna and Jessica ask, "What happen?" The guy says, "I stepped on a pink cloud".

[worldangel]

Joke: Go wrong

 

These couple boards this jetliner for a trip to New York.

The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots.

 

 

The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says:

 

 

“Welcome to flight 1313 non-stop to New York, as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong ...”

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowpoke

 

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance.

 

 

"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." "I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat.

 

"And what do you use for bait?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor & patient

 

A patient: "Doctor, I don’t feel hungry after taking meal."

 

 

Doctor: "Really, your condition is very serious. Wait a bit." (After sometime, the doctor holds out some medicines).

 

 

Doctor: "Take these pills. You take one pill after your sleep and another one before you get-up."

[worldangel]

Joke: Trespasses

 

A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off: "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."

 

Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job... Lead us not into temptation."

[worldangel]

Joke: Election

 

A government is doing really bad and is very likely to lose the election. So they gather the cabinet to deal with the situation.

 

 

"Guys we do not go well, we will lose power, we will lose everything. We need to do something" the prime minister said. A minister pops up and says: "We will redecorate! We will change desks, chairs, sofas, floors, curtains, everything will be changed."

 

 

The others also agree and start to make plans. So sometime later, the maid comes inside, and she sees them so upset all working hard making plans, and says: "What about you guys, what is going the maid shrugs tentatively. "Why do you react like that?"

 

"What can I tell you guys" she answers. "Before I came here for work, I used to work in a brothel. And when business didn’t go well, we did not change the furniture, but the hookers."g on?" "We do not go well as government and we are changing the decoration" they reply. 

[worldangel]

Joke: The shepherd

 

A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep.

He tells to the shepherd: "I will bet you 100 € against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over; it’s a big flock so he takes the bet. "973," says the man.

 

 

The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. Says "OK, I’m a man of my word, take an animal." Man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."

 

 

Man says sure. "You are an economist for a government think tank" says the shepherd. "You are exactly right!" responds the man, "but tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down the dog and I will tell you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pontiac

 

A Pontiac takes examinations for the driver’s license for the fourth year in a row.

 

 

The examiner asks him "So, you’re running on the street. You have a mountain on your right and there’s a cliff on your left.

 

 

There are two women in your way; the one young and the other an old woman. Which one are you going to hit?" "Of course, the old woman!"

 

The examiner frustrated "I told you last year! You hit the brakes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two entrepreneurs

 

Two entrepreneurs, Jack and John, decided to start a bungee-jumping business south of the border.

They went to Casa del Sol, Mexico, built a huge platform, and opened for business. By noon the first day, they both noticed that while everyone was watching, no one was buying tickets. Jack told John to go up and jump, so everyone could see how much fun it was, and then they would buy tickets and try it.

 

 

John jumped, almost reached the ground, and sprang back up. Jack saw that his shirt was torn and his hair was mussed. John came down again and sprang back up. This time he had several bruises and his clothes were ripped to shreds.

 

 

The third time down and back up, and he had several open wounds, a broken arm, and was bruised over most of his body. Jack quickly raised John to the platform and asked him what in the world was going on. John replied, "I’m not sure. Do you know what 'pinata' means?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The genie

 

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

 

 

The Genie says, "I’ll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

 

 

Puff! She’s gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He’s gone. "OK, you’re up," the Genie says to the manager.

 

 

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say...