Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: My idiot husband

 

One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.

 

One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife. "What terrible weather today honey," he said to her.

 

"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!" she replied.

Edited September 22, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Government employee

 

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.

 

"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him. While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes. "I would like an ice-cold Coke right now."

 

He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

 

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.

[worldangel]

Joke: Join a monastery

 

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says.

 

They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass.

 

They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

[worldangel]

Joke: The embalmer

 

Rita is complaining to her friends about her husband's extreme dedication to his new job. You see, Rita's husband has been jobless for quite a while.

 

She tells her friends, "I appreciate the fact that at last he's found a new job, but I don't like him taking his work home and finishing it in our bedroom."

 

"Why, what's his new job?" "He's an embalmer."

[worldangel]

Joke: At psychiatrist clinic

 

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.

 

 

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed, I will come back to you," I said.

 

 

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!"

 

With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Vacation

 

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing.

 

 

Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

 

 

"No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either."

 

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Business trip

 

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer was quite taken a back, and requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the man said.

 

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. The loan officer checked the records and told him, "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest."

 

The man wrote out a check, thanked the loan officer, and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow?" The man smiled. "Where else could I securely park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Job interview

 

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."

 

 

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home. Eventually he called my mobile and said, "Bring it back here right now!" I said, "£100 and it's yours."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hooker & Taxi driver

 

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. After sex the girl said, "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'am actually a hooker, and I charge $100 for what we just did."

 

The man retorted, "And I should have mentioned this before, but I'am actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $200."

[worldangel]

Joke: Businessman

 

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

 

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[worldangel]

Joke: Opening an account

 

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account" To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

 

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now." "Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.

 

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

 

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Taxi fares?

 

"Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?" "Five bucks, sir."

 

"And how much for my suitcase?" "No charge for the suitcase, sir." "Okay.

 

Take the case and I’ll walk."

Edited September 23, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Murphy & the thief

 

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground.

 

The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Strong man

 

Once there was a bartender who claimed he was the strongest man on earth, he could squeeze every drop of juice out of a lemon and he bet $10,000 that no one could squeeze anymore out of a lemon he has squeezed People came in from all over the country, body builders, weight lifters, wrestlers, or anyone that wanted to try.

 

But no one could squeeze anymore juice out of the lemons. Then one day a little nerdy looking guy walks in and everyone laughs at him when they hear he is there to try to squeeze a lemon. So the bartender squeezes a lemon into a cup and hands him what is left over.

 

Then the guy squeezes out 6 more drops of juice, and everyone is amazed! "What do you do for a living?" they would ask, "Are you a weight lifter, a body builder?" "No", he replied. "I work for the IRS."

Edited September 23, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The investor

 

A frightened investor goes to his financial planner and asks if he’s at all worried about the volatility of the markets these days. The planner replies that he sure does! In fact, he says that he sleeps like a baby.

 

The frightened investor was amazed! "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?" "Yup! I sleep for a couple of hours, and then I wake up and I cry for a couple of hours."

[worldangel]

Joke: Arithmetic

 

Johnny, if you had 5$ and you asked your father for 3$ more, how many dollars would you have? I would have five dollars...

 

You don't know your arithmetic, Johnny... You don't know my father, Mrs. Mutch...

[worldangel]

Joke: Election

 

An old man was sitting in the front row at a town meeting, heckling the mayor as he delivered a long speech.

 

Finally the mayor could stand it no longer, so he pointed to the heckler and said, "Will that gentleman please stand up and tell the audience what he has ever done for the good of the city."

 

"Well Mr. Mayor," the man said in a firm voice. "I voted against you in the last election."

Edited September 23, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The will

 

After 40 years of hard work, a man retired with $5,000,000.00 which he had gained through courage, diligence, initiative, skill, devotion to duty, thrift, efficiency, shrewd investment.

 

And the death of an uncle who left him $4,999,999.50.

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you have a proof?

 

A man went to his lawyer and told him, ‘My neighbour owes me £500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?’

 

‘Do you have any proof he owes you the money?’ asked the lawyer. ‘Nope,’ replied the man. ‘OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,’ said the lawyer.

 

‘But it’s only £500,’ replied the man. ‘Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!’

Edited September 23, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Coronary surgery

 

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken quickly in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting, reassured him by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand.

"We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to Heaven."

"Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The wise rich man

 

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says "I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys."

 

The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000. Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce.

 

The loan officer asks him, "Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?" The man answers, "I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The eminent doctor

 

An eminent doctor successfully attended a sick child. A few days later, the grateful mother called on the physician. After expressing her realization of the fact that his services had been of a sort that could not be fully paid for, she continued: "But I hope you will accept as a token from me this purse which I myself have embroidered."

 

The physician replied very coldly to the effect that the fees of the physician must be paid in money, not merely in gratitude, and he added: "Presents maintain friendship: they do not maintain a family." "What is your fee?" the woman inquired. "Two hundred dollars," was the answer.

 

The woman opened the purse, and took from it five $100 bills. She put back three, handed two to the discomfited physician, then took her departure.

[worldangel]

Joke: Best friend

 

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”

 “That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change.”

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re so cheap

 

As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex, the husband put his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table.

 

One night, while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the bank to the floor where it smashed. To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there were handfuls of five and ten dollar bills.

 

He asks his wife what's up. "Well," she replied, "not everyone is as cheap as you are."

[worldangel]

Joke: Saves my life

 

A doctor had been attending a rich old man for some time, but it became apparent that the old chap had not long to live.

 

Accordingly, the doctor advised his wealthy patient to put his affairs in order.

 

"Oh yes, I've done that," said the old gentleman. "I've only got to make a will. And do you know what I'm going to do with all my money? I'm going to leave it to the doctor who saves my life."

[worldangel]

Joke: I am the sole heir

 

Patient: "Doctor, I want to thank you for your great medicine."

 

The doctor was very much pleased. He asked: "Did it really help you?"

 

Patient: "It helped me wonderfully."

 

Doctor: "How many bottled did you find it necessary to take?"

 

Patient: "I did not take any of it. My uncle took one bottle and I am his sole heir."

[worldangel]

Joke: Spaghetti

 

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

 

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born.

 

To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange postcard today." "Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

 

The wife handed the card over and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

 

Edited September 24, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Money & coupon

 

I sent my young son to pick up ice cream, I handed him some money and a coupon. Later he came home with the ice cream and the coupon.

 

When I asked him what happened, he replied, “Mom I had enough money. I didn’t need the coupon.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishing in the jungle

 

A man was fishing in the jungle.

 

After a while another angler came to join him. "Have you had any bites?" asked the second man.

 

"Yes, lots," replied the first one, "but they were all mosquitoes."

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re pregnant

 

The old woman comes to a gynaecologist.

 

He inspects her and says with the surprise: An old woman, you're pregnant! How did you managed at your age...?

 

Oh, those teens. They always asks to tell them everything, then show and give to try...

[worldangel]

Joke: The dentist fees

 

Patient: "How much do you charge for extracting a tooth?"

 

Doctor: "Fifty rupees."

 

Patient: "Fifty ruppes, for only a few second’s work?"

 

Doctor: "Well, I will do it very slowly."

 

Patient: "How much is for the operation?"

 

Doctor: "Rupees on thousand."

 

Patient: "But it was a serious one."

 

Doctor: "Nonsense. You can’t buy a serious operation for Rupees one Thousand now-a-days."

[worldangel]

Joke: Young accountant

 

A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.

Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.

 

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant. Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.

 

His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message: "Debits in the column toward the file cabinet. Credits in the column toward the window. Prefer Wraps and females who think realistically pick Wholemeal.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Plastic surgery

 

A man goes to his doctor after losing a lot of weight. "I feel great, but I have a problem, doctor. I was so fat beforehand that my skin has stretched and stayed that long.

 

Is there anything you can give me?" "Hmm, short of plastic surgery, there is only one alternative. Please take off your clothes."

 

The man strips down. The doctor pulls all his skin upwards and ties it in a ball above his head. "But doctor -- now my navel is in the middle of my forehead!"

 

"True," replies the doctor, "and you should see what you have for a collar and tie."

Edited September 24, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Routine check-up

 

An elderly couple visits the doctor so the wife who is feeling poorly gets a check-up.

The old man waits in the waiting room while the old lady is in the examining room.

After a complete exam, the doctor brings the old woman into his office to ask her a few questions.

“How are you sleeping?” he asks.

“I get eight hours of sleep,” says the woman, “and sometimes I wake up to go the bathroom, but I have no problem falling back to sleep. Occasionally I take a 30 minutes nap in the afternoon, but all in all, I sleep just fine.”

“How is your diet?” asks the doctor.

“I have three well-balanced meals a day,” says the woman. “Sometimes I have a light snack between lunch and dinner, but I eat very well.”

“Do you still have intercourse?” asks the doctor.

“What?” replies the old lady.

“Intercourse,” says the doctor. “Do you still have intercourse?”

The old woman get up out of her chair and opens the door to the waiting room and asks her husband, “Honey, do we have intercourse?”

The old man looks at her and says, “I have told you a thousand times, it’s Blue Cross Blue Shield!”

[worldangel]

Joke: He had a hat

 

A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.

 

She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back."

 

And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Health expert

 

A fat lady (To a health expert): "Give me some advice that can reduce my fatness."

 

Health expert: "Okay. You must move your head to the right and the left at a particular time."

 

Fat lady: "At which particular time?"

 

Health expert: "Whenever anybody asks you to eat."

[worldangel]

Joke: Get my brown pants

 

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behaviour for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

 

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out." "That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon.

 

The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned. "Get my brown pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: The tailor

 

Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit. Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor.

 

This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit." After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor’s son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.

 

Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?" "It’s very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."

[worldangel]

Joke: First plane ride

 

McNally was taking his first plane ride, flying over the Rocky Mountains. The stewardess handed him a piece of chewing gum. "It’s to keep your ears from popping at high altitudes," she explains.

 

When the plane landed McNally rushed up to her. "Miss," he said, "I’m meetin’ me wife right away. How do I get the gum out of me ears?" Kelly was standing in front of Cohan’s Tavern when he saw a driverless car rolling slowly down the street. He ran to the car, jumped in, and pulled on the emergency brake with a jerk.

 

Kelly got out and very proudly said to the man approaching him, "I stopped it!" "I know, you idiot!" said the man. "I was pushing it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two students

 

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

 

The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit.

[worldangel]

Joke: At the Court

 

At the Court discussion between judge and villager: So you were propelling surrogate alcohol?

 

Me? No! What do you mean no? You have a device for that... means propelled.

 

Then please judge me also for rape... So you have raped someone also? Well no... but I have a device...

[worldangel]

Joke: The three experts

 

A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic Ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roast-beef.

 

They start debating how to open the can without can-opener. Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it.

Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire.

Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."

[worldangel]

Joke: I am the culprit

 

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wife's side. "Sleep now, it's all right," he told her.

 

But she kept trying to sit up and said, "Honey, I really need to tell you something." Finally Jake let her get it off her chest. "Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

 

"Don't worry about it," Jake said, "I already know. Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: M&M

 

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

 

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

 

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank robber

 

Three robbers break into a bank, but when they open the safe, they find only boxes.

 

One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt. "We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners.

 

They eat their fill and leave. The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

Edited September 24, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Valentine day

 

A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a piss."

 

Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg.

 

He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My goodness, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!" "No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."

[worldangel]

Joke: The farmer & son

 

A farmer gets a phone call from his son. "I've run over a pig and it’s stuck under the tractor still alive." "Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it."

 

About 20mins later he gets another call..." "Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The tailor shop

 

A young lad went to a tailor shop. He told the tailor, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here, and if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings."

 

A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of material left over. Take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it."

 

The lad rushed home and donned his kilt. He decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to wear his underwear. When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "Well, what'd ye think?" "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed. "Aye, and if ye like it, y'ell really like what's underneath," he bragged as he lifted his kilt. "Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly.

 

Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on, he exclaimed quite proudly, "Aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wanna long live

 

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab test, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

 

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?” “Oh no,” I replied. “I’ve never done either.” Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?” I said, “No, I heard that all red meat is very unhealthy.”

 

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, ballooning, motor-cycling, rock climbing?” “No, I don’t,” I said. He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or sexually fool around?” “No,” I said. “I have never done any of those things.”

 

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?”

[worldangel]

Joke: The newlywed wife

 

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

 

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was

glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."