Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: New panties

 

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

 

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties.

 

"Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

 

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done at a hole in your drawers!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage of the 90s

 

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.

 

Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however. She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!" Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg.

 

Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At dentist’s clinic

 

A man and his wife enter a dentist's clinic.

 

The wife says "I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain -- I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

 

"You're a brave woman," says the dentist. "Now, show me which tooth it is."

 

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[worldangel]

Joke: The drunken man

 

A drunk phones the police to report that thieves have been in his car.

 

‘They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,’ he cries out… ‘Oh hang on. I’m in the back seat.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Wake up call

 

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other. Instead, they were giving each other written notes. One evening he gave her a paper where it said: "Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."

 

The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock. Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying: "Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At senior’s single bar

 

Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar. After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"

 

The old woman replies shyly, "Depends... ." "Depends on what?" he asks. "On my bottom -- where else?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

 

A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon.

 

Two days into the week long trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport. A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk.

 

The manager asks why his wife has left the island. "Were you not having a good time?"

 

The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."

[worldangel]

Joke: The parrot

 

A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.

 

The clerk warns that the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language.

 

The housewife doesn't mind and brings the parrot home. When she uncovers the cage, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Madam. Hello Madam."

 

When her three daughters come home from school, the parrot says, "Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls."

 

Finally, her husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner. When he walks past the parrot, the parrot says, "Brawkk! Hi Phil!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What for breakfast?

 

I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast.

 

So I said, ‘Eggs, bacon, fried bread and mushrooms.’

 

At least that’s what I meant to say.

 

What I actually said was, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you fat ugly witch.’

[worldangel]

Joke: At tattoo parlour

 

A guy goes into a tattoo parlour and asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis.

 

Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

 

"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and a hundred dollars seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

[worldangel]

Joke: Disability pension

 

Andrew went to Medical Insurance to apply for his pension. The woman behind the bench asked for his driving license to verify his age, but he had left his wallet home.

 

He said to her that he had to go home and return later. The woman said: "Unbuckle your shirt." And so he did, revealing his curly, gray hair of his chest.

 

"This grey hair is quite a nice proof for me," she said and continued with his application form. When Andrew went home, he said to his wife what had happened.

 

"You should have taken your pants off," she said, "Maybe you would have taken disability pension too!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Your horse called

 

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?"

 

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with Betty Sue written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? Betty Sue was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

 

Three days later he is reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."

[worldangel]

Joke: At pharmacy

 

He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."

 

Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.

 

When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?" He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.

 

The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The young bride

 

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter.

 

In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate downsizing and its effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totalling nearly $1 million dollars.

 

Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

 

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.

 

She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two little kids

Two little kids are in a hospital lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

[clementi]

Joke: Two woodpeckers

 

A Hawaiian woodpecker and a Californian woodpecker, who had managed to fly across the ocean to Hawaii, were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker led him to a tree that no woodpecker could peck!

The Californian woodpecker challenged him and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in California that was absolutely un-peckable.

The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

So after flying to California, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem

. The two woodpeckers were now confused.

How is it that the California woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree and the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the California tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.

[clementi]

Joke: The perfect man

 

Stacy is sitting at the bar, talking with her girlfriends about what makes the perfect mate.

“The man I marry,” she says, “must be a shining light. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!”

Lisa, the elderly barmaid, overhears this and says, “Honey, it sounds like you don’t need a man. You need a TV!”

[clementi]

Joke: A young salesman

 

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor. How many customers bought something from you today?"

The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day."

"That will have to change and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?" The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing...

[worldangel]

Joke: Last day

 

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly. “Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.

 

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.

 

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?”

 

“Yeah. But today is the last day”.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Crisis point

 

Things have reached crisis point in Beryl’s marriage. ‘If things are so bad,’ her friend advises her.

 

‘Then you should leave your husband.’ ‘I would,’ says Beryl. ‘If only I could think of a way of doing it that wouldn’t make him happy.’

[worldangel]

Joke: First argument

 

An old man and his wife are having their first argument after many years of marriage.

 

He says, ‘When we got married, you promised to love, honour and obey!’ ‘I know,’ replies his wife.

 

‘But I didn’t want to start an argument in front of all those people.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband & wife

 

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.  She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. 

 

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialled a number. 

 

His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.  "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said.

 

"As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" 

 

Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.  Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."

[worldangel]

Joke: Abusive husband

 

A woman got married, but her husband was abusive. She got remarried and that husband ran out on her. She got married again that husband failed in bed.

 

Finally, she put an ad in the paper: "Looking for a man who won't abuse me, won't leave me, and won't fail me in bed." The next day, the doorbell rings. There is a man with no arms and no legs. "Hello, I saw your ad in the paper," he says. "Tell me a little about you." "Well, I have no arms, so I can't hit you.

 

I have no legs, so I can't run out on you," he replies. "How do I know you're good in bed?" she asks. He says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Train sleeping carriage

 

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

 

After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."

 

The man leans out and with a glint in his eye said "I've got a better idea, let's pretend we're married." "Why not," giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

[worldangel]

Joke: In-laws

 

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

 

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

 

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

 

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost wife

 

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.

 

Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why?” “Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Expire date

 

Wife: "What are you doing?"

 

Husband : Nothing.

 

Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

 

Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

[worldangel]

Joke: Whose phone it is?

 

H - "Hello?" W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" H - "Yes." W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?" H - "What's the price?" W - "Only $1,500.00." H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."

 

W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

 

H-"What price did he quote you?" W - "Only $60,000..." H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..." H - "What?" W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."

 

H - "How much are they asking?" W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?" W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!" H - "Bye...I love u too..."

 

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three couples

 

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

 

The first man married a nurse. Dave thinks to himself, "Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

 

The second man married a telephone operator. Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices." The third man married a school teacher. Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are frigid."

 

The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'" Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"

 

Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get right.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys talk in a bar.

 

Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them. The third guy remains quiet.

 

Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? Do you rule your roost?" The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

 

"What happened then?" they ask. "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Going to pub

 

Husband to wife: ‘Put your coat on, I’m going to the pub.’

 

Wife: ‘Oh that’s nice, are you taking me for a drink?’

 

Husband: ‘No, I’m turning the heating off.’

[worldangel]

Joke: What to eat today?

 

Man: "What you have prepared to eat today?"

 

Wife: "Nothing."

 

Man: "But you did nothing yesterday."

 

Wife: "I made it for two days."

[worldangel]

Joke: How many times?

 

A little boy was attending his first wedding.

 

After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded.

 

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

 

"How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said.

 

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Priest said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"

[worldangel]

Joke: Relationship

 

If I've invested precious time and energy in a relationship, and I've been honest and open, hanging and coping, true blue, a good screw, to some fly guy who's out constantly getting high, then I'm dumped suicide is not one of my thoughts.

 

I'm thinking maybe homicide.

[worldangel]

Joke: Wishing well

 

A couple comes across a wishing well.

 

The husband leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.

 

The wife makes a wish too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.

 

The husband says, ‘Wow! It really works!’

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde wife

 

A man comes home from work early to find his blonde wife in bed with three men.

 

Completely shocked, he shouts, "Hello, Hello, Hello!"

 

The blonde whines, "What? No hello for me?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Tetanus shot

 

An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

 

His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[worldangel]

Joke: Won the lottery

 

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, ‘Martha, pack up your things! I just won the Lottery!’

 

Martha shouts back, ‘Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?’

 

The man replies, ‘I don’t care, just as long as you’re out of the house by noon!’

[worldangel]

Joke: The drunken man

 

A drunk is sitting on a park bench staring disconsolately at a bottle of beer.

 

A man passes and asks him what the matter is.

 

‘I don’t know what to do,’ says the drunk.

 

‘My heart says yes, my mind says no, and I haven’t heard from my liver in two days.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Fairgrounds

 

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds.

 

The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that.

 

So the wife went on the ride by herself.

 

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet.

 

”Are you hurt?” he asked. ”Of course I’m hurt!” she replied.

 

“Three times around and you didn’t wave once!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Just married

 

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

 

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.

 

"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"

 

With a fatherly smile, the salesman said, "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

[worldangel]

Joke: First date

 

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

 

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

 

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card.

 

He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple

 

A married couple had gotten into an argument and for many days had not been talking to each other.

 

Instead they were writing notes back and forth. One evening the husband walked up to the wife and handed her a note that said, “Wake me up tomorrow at 6 in the morning.”

 

When he woke up the next morning it was 9. He immediately got angry with his wife and turned around to speak to her.

 

On her pillow was a note that said, “Wake up, it’s 6!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Change her mind?

 

Little Mary is at her first wedding.

 

When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’

 

‘What do you mean?’ asks mother.

 

‘Well,’ replies Mary. ‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Gift for wedding anniversary

 

A wife wanted an expensive fur coat from the executive husband to celebrate their Silver wedding anniversary. The miser overbearing rich husband rejected the expensive but affordable demand.

 

He said, "You grow the hair on your chest and I will give you fur coat to cover it." The wife was out of control with anger. She pulls up her skirt, drops and throws her panties and pushes her hairy pubic area forward.

 

She said, "There! I have the hair on my chest, now buy me that damn coat!" "That’s not your chest, that is your pussy!" husband screamed back. "Oh yes that is my chest all right" she yelled back.

 

"While we were dating this was your chest of hope. We got married and on our honeymoon you used to tease me it was your chest of pleasure. Then I started bearing children and it became your chest of family, and damn it.

 

If you don’t buy me that fur coat, it is going to be the community chest of public."

[worldangel]

Joke: Married couple

 

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.

 

The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up.

 

Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?" "I don't know, some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Acts 2:38

 

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of  services when an intruder startled her.

She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38” (Repent and be baptized, in the name of the Heaven so that your sins may be forgiven) the burglar stopped in his tracks.

The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man, he asked him: “Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was yell a scripture to you”

“Scripture?” replied the intruder. “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Little riding hood

 

Little Red Riding Hood went to her grandma's house and found her laying in bed. Little Red Riding Hood said, "Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

 

Grandma: "The better to see you with, my dear." Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, what big ears you have!" Grandma: "The better to hear you with, my dear." Little Red Riding Hood: "Grandma, what a big mouth you have!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The ballerina

 

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

 

Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."

 

The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?" "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two brothers

 

Two brothers, Bob and Tom, both work for a lumberyard. One day, Bob tells Tom that he can tell what any piece of wood is just by smelling it.

 

Unbelieving, Tom blindfolds Bob and proceeds to test the theory. The first piece of wood Bob smells, he instantly identifies as maple. The second piece Bob instantly identifies as walnut. Tom cannot believe Bob can really do this, so he takes an old piece of wood and whispers to the secretary to rub the wood between her legs.

 

She happily runs it up in her crotch. Tom hands the piece of wood to Bob. Bob smells it three times. "I am stumped. But I would have to guess that this wood is either a pussy willow or a shingle from a shit house."