Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Two doctors

 

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

 

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

 

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Haemorrhoids." No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again. Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

 

But is was still not good! So they tried: "Minds and Behinds" "Analysis and Anal Cysts" "Nuts and Butts" "Freaks and Cheeks" "Loons and Moons" "Lost Souls and Ass Holes" None worked.

 

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends." APPROVED!

[worldangel]

Joke: Baking cake

 

A mother is making a cake for her three sons when she accidentally drops some BB from the shelf into the batter. She decides that it won't matter and continues to make the cake. Later that day, her sons eat the cake and don't even notice the BBs.

 

The next day, when the mother is reading a magazine on the couch, one of her sons runs in saying, "Mom, mom, I pissed out a beebee!" She says "That's okay, son. I accidentally dropped some beebees into the cake batter. You'll be fine." Five minutes later, one of the other sons, come running in and he says, "Mom, mom, I.."

 

But the mother cuts him off and she says, "I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. I dropped it into the cake batter, but you'll be fine." Then her last son runs in the room, and he says, "Mom, mom, I.." And the mother cuts him off and says, "I know, I know, you pissed out a beebee. It's my fault for dropping it in the cake batter, but you'll be fine."

 

But then son says, "No, no, I was masturbating and I shot the dog!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The drunken guy

 

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell. A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name." "You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay."

 

So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!" "Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys on a desert island

 

Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

 

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

 

The second guy wishes the same.

 

The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Housebreaking

 

They've broken in my house so many times, they leave notes complaining about things: "The salt was low." "Pick up bread. We be back."

 

Grease all over my stove they cooked and left the best chicken and dressing you ever want to lay your lips on.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Grannies

 

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by. And one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”

The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

 

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?” Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A group of old buddies

 

A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts. 10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.

 

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also. 10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. 10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet.

 

Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator. 10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before.

[worldangel]

Joke: Retiring farmer

 

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town. To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse.

 

To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am" said the man.

 

"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one." "No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

[worldangel]

Joke: One eyed-man

 

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

 

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.

 

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night.

 

The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

 

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."

 

The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife."

 

The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The farmer

 

A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer is sitting in the kitchen when his son comes in from the barn with a large glass of white liquid. He is so excited because he's just milked a cow.

 

Then he takes a big drink from the glass. His father just stares at him. "Son, we don't have a cow. We have a bull."

[worldangel]

Joke: Watermelon

 

Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day.

 

They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon.

 

They notice she isn't wearing any panties. "Is it cooler without panties?" they ask.

 

She says, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."

[worldangel]

Joke: Latex glove factory

 

A doctor complains to his colleagues about the sanitary problems at a latex glove factory in Mexico.

 

"Workers stick their hands in melted latex and then dip their hands in a vat of cooling water to solidify the latex.

 

The glove is then thrown in a finished products box." His colleagues are disgusted by the lack of care taken in keeping the gloves sanitary. "That's not all," says the doctor.

 

"You don't even want to know how they make their condoms!"

[worldangel]

Joke: At supermarket

 

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.

 

Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir, this is the Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier.

 

The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here." The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sick people

 

A guy finds his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in its mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.

 

He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"

 

The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?" The neighbour replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cough syrup

 

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

 

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

 

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[worldangel]

Joke: No enough drinking water

 

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

 

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

 

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?" The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 Stages of Sex

 

1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.

 

2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom.

 

3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "F**k you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: VD

 

A guy gets out of the V.D. Hospital and decides to a hire a hooker, since he's been without for so long.

 

Before long, he brings one home, and they have sex four times.

 

After it's over, he turns to her and tells her he hasn't had sex in four months because of being in the V.D. Hospital.

 

"How's the food there?" asks the hooker.

 

"Because I'm going in there tomorrow!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fear at night

 

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy. "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist.

 

"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I’ll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you," I said.

 

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street. "Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10.

 

I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV." "Is that so!" With a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed – ain’t nobody under there now!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank robber

 

A man walked into a branch of the Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money.

 

The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.

 

When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door.

 

It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.

[worldangel]

Joke: Insufficient funds

 

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father.

 

"Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" "I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad. "You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

 

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake." "I don't think so," she sniffed.

 

"They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

[worldangel]

Joke: My girlfriend

 

A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong. "Ohhh, it's my girlfriend."

 

"What's the problem?" "When I asked her if she could learn to love me, she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."

[worldangel]

Joke: Job application

 

Harry applies for a job at a finance company, the manager tells him the job is his if he can crack their toughest account.

 

Harry goes off and comes back two hours later having recovered the entire amount.

 

‘Amazing!’ says the manager. ‘How did you do it?’

 

‘Easy,’ replies Harry. ‘I said that if he didn’t pay us, I’d tell all his other creditors he had.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Truck stop cafe

 

Elmore walked into his favourite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, "Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?" "Whada ya win?" "A million dollars!" said the redneck.

 

"You get a dollar a year for a million years."

 

"How much are they each?" "Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!"

Edited September 28, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Construction company

 

A large construction company sent a party in charge of finding workers all over the world in the very rural areas. They successfully obtained a dozen men and decided to fly them back to the construction site immediately.

 

The men were very excited and could only speak of doing the job. Suddenly the pilot flying the plane encountered some difficulties and very safely landed the plane in the desert. Unknowingly to the men they thought they reached on the site, so they opened the door and all they could see was sand all around.

 

Then one of the men shouted out in fear, "Let`s get the f**k out of here before the cement comes."

[worldangel]

Joke: The date

 

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.

 

When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom. The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre. When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremendously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.

 

When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, "Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them." He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point. They go in and sit down at the table. Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart.

 

The girl's father stands up and hollers "Duke!" and sits back down. "Great!" he thought. "They really think it's the dog!" So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers. Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts "Duke!" and sits back down. Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room.

 

The girl's father stands up again. "Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Almost blind guy

 

An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife. After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on.

 

She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit. But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all. So she came downstairs completely naked. "Huh," said the old man, hugging her.

 

"For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."

[worldangel]

Joke: The farmer & his Vet

 

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows was completely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow. The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow's eyes straightened out.

 

The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About a week later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care of it himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put his lips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.

 

The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow. "What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified. "Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

[worldangel]

Joke: Jim & Lena

 

Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk.

 

"We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm."

 

"But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy with his pet

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

 

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[worldangel]

Joke: Before the Facebook’s time

 

Anyone remember the good old days before Facebook, Instagram and Twitter?

 

When you had to take a photo of your dinner, then get the film developed, then go around to all your friends' houses to show them the picture of your dinner?

 

No?

 

Me neither.

[worldangel]

Joke: At the movies

 

Two old ladies are at the movies. "Psst," says one old lady.

 

"I think the guy next to me is beating off."

 

"What makes you say that?" "He's using my hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: Funny Lists: Eight ways to say "Your Fly Is Open"

 

1. The cucumber has left the salad.

2. You've got Windows in your laptop.

 

3. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

4. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

 

5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Sailor Ned is trying to take a little shore leave.

 

7. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

8. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

[worldangel]

Joke: The widow & widower

 

Two elderly people living in Trailer Estates, he was a Widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.

 

The two were at the same table, across from one another as the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, ” Will you marry me?” After about six seconds of ‘ careful consideration’ , she answered “Yes. Yes, I will. ”

 

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.

 

Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?” He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”

 

Then she continued, “I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too many CCTV

 

An elderly man remembers the good old days: “When I was young, my mom could send me to a shop with a single $, and I would bring back 5 pounds of potatoes, 2 breads, a bottle of milk, a piece of cheese and 10 eggs. Nowadays that’s impossible – there are simply to many security cameras."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hearing-aid

 

An elderly woman went to her doctor, complaining about not being able to hear out of one ear.

 

The doctor then took his penlight, looked in her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in, and pulled something out. After examining the object for a second, he exclaimed, "Well...it seems you inserted a suppository into your ear...".

 

The old lady thought for a second, then responded "Gee...I guess that explains why I can't find my hearing-aid...!".

[worldangel]

Joke: Two elderly ladies

 

Two elderly ladies were discussing the upcoming dance at the country club.

 

"We're supposed to wear something that matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing black," said Mrs. Smith.

 

"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones, "I'd better not go."

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

 

An old man and old woman got married and went on their honeymoon.

 

They were in bed getting ready to have sex for the first time and the old woman said, "I should tell you I have acute angina."

 

The old man says, "I hope so. You sure don't have cute tits."

[worldangel]

Joke: Alzheimer

 

A third old woman, full of happiness, asks her granddaughter; "My sweety, remind me please.. What’s the name of that German guy that blew my mind off...?"

 

"Alzheimer, granny!

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior citizen

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.

 

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

[worldangel]

Joke: An old lady & 4 men

 

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

 

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition.

 

She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down! She loaded her bags into the car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter.

 

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, about 75, and carrying a large handgun.

[worldangel]

Joke: My hearing aids

 

One afternoon, Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel’s ear and she says, “Mable, did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?” Mable answered, “I have a suppository in my EAR?”

 

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, “Ethel, I’m awfully glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Losing memory

 

Two elderly gentlemen are playing cards on Saturday evening just as they have done for the past 50 years. Gus, the elder, had been having problems remembering what cards were what, and usually needed help from his wife.

 

At the end of the card game Red said to Gus, "You did very good tonight. You didn't need any help at all. Why is that?" Gus replied, "Why, ever since my wife sent me to that memory school, I haven't had any problems at all."

 

"Memory school? What memory school?" Gus thought for a moment, "Oh, what's that flower that's red with thorns? A really pretty flower..." "A rose?" asked Red.

 

"Yeah, that's it!" Gus turned to his wife and mumbled, "Hey, Rose! What's the name of that memory school you sent me to?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Portrait

 

An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted.

 

She told the artist, “Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a golden Rolex.” “But you are not wearing any of those things,” replied the artist.

 

“I know,” she said. “It’s in case I should die before my husband. I’m sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wet pants

 

Two old guys were sitting under a tree, watching the sun go down.

 

One says, “You know, I’m 84 years old and my body is full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?”

 

The other guy says, “Oh, I feel like a newborn baby.” “Really,” says the first guy. “Yep,” says the second one. “No teeth, no hair and I think I just wet my pants.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Retiring farmer

 

A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.

 

To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given. He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening.

 

"Who's the boss around here?" he asked. "I am." said the man. "I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?" The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."

 

"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said. "Here's your chicken." said the farmer.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday parties

 

Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. When an old Grandpa walked by and one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, “We BET we can tell exactly how old you are.”

 

The old man said, “There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.” One of the old Grandmas said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.” Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.

 

The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times. Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!” Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”

 

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily yelled in unison… “We were at your birthday party yesterday!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Seniors chatting

 

A couple of senior couples were strolling along, wives in front, husbands in back chatting. Bernie turns to Marv and says, "Ya know, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever.

 

Great prices, too." Marv smiles and says, "Well, we like to eat out too. So what was the name of this fine new eatery?" Bernie says, "You’re going to have to help me out here a little. What’s the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, often red, grows on a thorny bush?"

 

Marv grins again, "Well now, Bernie, sounds like a rose to me…" "Yes, yes, that’s it!" cries Bernie, then he calls ahead to his wife: "Rose! Rose, honey, what was the name of that little restaurant we ate at last night?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Old seamstress

 

An old seamstress is slowly walking back to her job from lunch, when a flasher jumps out of an alley and opens his coat wide.

 

The old woman looks him up and down, shakes her head sadly, and says "You call that a lining?"