Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Soldiers

 

First soldier: “Pass me the chocolate pudding, would you?”

 

Second soldier: “No way, Jose!”

 

First soldier: “Whyever not?” S

 

econd soldier: “It’s against regulations to help another soldier to dessert!”

[worldangel]

Joke: My slippers

 

When I was young, my slippers were red, I could pick up my heels right over my head.

 

When I grew older, my slippers were blue, but still I could dance the whole night through.

[worldangel]

Joke: The captain

 

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

 

He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."

 

The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."

 

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

 

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply.

 

"Change your course, sir."

 

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

 

There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

[worldangel]

Joke: I am coming

 

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

 

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so the Heaven can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy.

 

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad.

 

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Goodness I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Prostitutes family

 

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.

 

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway. Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.

 

"Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself," said the grandma. A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes.

 

When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?"

 

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The sailor

 

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby.

 

Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge. "Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

 

"No !" his weeping wife replied. "Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked. "NO !!!" she said even more upset.

 

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

 

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

[worldangel]

Joke: The soldiers

 

One day some soldiers from a nearby Army camp saw a boy leading a donkey.

 

They thought they would have some fun with him.

 

"Say, boy," called out one of the soldiers.

 

"You sure are keeping a tight rein on your brother, aren't you?"

 

"Sure am," said the boy. "If I didn't he would probably join the Army."

 

Edited October 5, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Ms Smith

 

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child.

 

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

 

Little Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

[worldangel]

Joke: Camouflage

 

During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general. "You simpleton!" the officer barked.

 

"Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?" "Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically.

 

"But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice. And I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches.

 

But when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say, "Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The merchant captain

 

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore. As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.

 

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

 

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

 

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you want me to ...?

 

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

 

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad. Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor.

 

She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Edited October 5, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Just married

 

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.

 

As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body.

 

"I can’t wear your pants," she said. "That’s right!" said the husband, "and don’t you forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

 

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can’t get into your panties!" She said, "That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to be until you change your attitude…"

[worldangel]

Joke: Passing gas

 

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.

 

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

 

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

 

I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[worldangel]

Joke: The chronic diseases

 

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?

 

"Chronic syphilis, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front lines, Sir!" "Good man!" says the Major.

 

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your ambition?"

 

"To get back to the front lines, Sir!" "Good man!" says the Major. He goes to the next bed.

 

"What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir!" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day, Sir!" "What's your ambition?"

 

"To get to the front of the line and get the wire brush before the other two - Sir!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Herman James

 

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

 

On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

 

On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

 

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . . The Army is still looking for him.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The services that have trouble

 

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don’t speak the same language.

 

For example, if you told Navy personnel to “secure a building,” they would turn off the lights and lock the doors. Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

 

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with supressive fire and close combat.

 

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hockey playing

 

It's legal to earn money playing hockey. Many people play hockey even after they're married.

 

The puck's always hard The protective equipment is reusable It lasts at least an hour A two-on-one or a three-on-one is not uncommon You always know how big the stick is You can clean your stick in public without anyone minding.

 

You can change players on the fly.You don't have to be embarrassed if you don't get the puck up Everyone is finished when the buzzer sounds Your parents cheer when you score.

 

Periods last only 20 minutes You're sure to get it at least twice a week You can tell your friends about it afterwards.

[worldangel]

Joke: Parachuting

 

A blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

 

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground," he answered.

 

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

[worldangel]

Joke: Soldiers at work

 

At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.

 

"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed. "What painter?"

 

"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."

 

"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"

 

"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Poker game

 

A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong well after midnight when one of the players returned from bathroom with an urgent report.

 

"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen making love to your wife!" "OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively the last deal."

[worldangel]

Joke: The new marine captain

 

The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

 

Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we have the camel,sir." "The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

 

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent . Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has sex with the camel.

 

When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?" "No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."

Edited October 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing chess

 

In a park people come across a man playing chess against a dog.

 

They were astonished and said: "What a clever dog!"

 

But the man protested and replied: "No, no, he isn't that clever. I'm leading by three games to one!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drill sergeant

 

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

 

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two brothers

 

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.

 

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

 

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file.

 

"Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

 

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."

[worldangel]

Joke: Season ticket

 

James and Neil were fortunate enough to have a season ticket to watch Manchester United.

 

They could not help noticing that there was always a spare seat next (A16) to them and they had a friend who would love to buy a season ticket, especially if all three could have seats together.

 

One half-time Neil went to the ticket office and asked if they could buy the season ticket for A16. The official said that unfortunately the ticket had been sold. Nevertheless, week after week the seat was still empty.

 

Then on Boxing day, much to James and Neil's amazement the seat was taken for the first time that season. Neil could not resist asking the newcomer, 'Where have you been all season'. 'Don't ask' he said, 'the wife bought the season ticket back last summer, and kept it for a surprise Christmas present.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Military training

 

On a military training exercise, the British divisional command radio operators were getting very bored one quiet night, when breaking the silence a voice asked over the air, "Are there any friendly bears listening?"

 

After a moment, another voice replied, "Yes, I'm a friendly bear," and then another voice, "I'm a friendly bear too!" At this point, the Officer at Headquarters grabbed his microphone and let loose a blistering tirade at the operators for fooling around on a radio link.

 

When he had finished, there was silence for about ten seconds. Then a small voice said, "You're not a very friendly bear, are you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The mathematician

 

A mathematician and his best friend, an engineer, attend a public lecture on geometry in thirteen-dimensional space.

 

"How did you like it?" the mathematician wants to know after the talk.

 

"My head's spinning," the engineer confesses.

 

"How can you develop any intuition for thirteen-dimensional space?"

 

"Well, it's not even difficult. All I do is visualize the situation in n-dimensional space and then set n = 13."

[worldangel]

Joke: Email

 

As a member of the organization that installs computer systems aboard Navy ships, I am mindful of how important the off-ship e-mail capabilities are to sailor morale, especially when some vessels are deployed for up to six months.

 

One day while shopping at the base commissary, I noticed another crucial aspect of my job. I was behind a frazzled mother with two active children, and as I watched, she stalked over to where her young son had perched himself on the rail of the freezer case.

 

"If you don't get off there right now," she commanded, "I'm going to e-mail your father!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three professors

 

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there.

 

The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket. The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

 

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants." While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires.

 

They both scream, "What are you doing?" To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

[worldangel]

Joke: In a hot-air balloon

 

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions.

 

They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?" After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon."

 

The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician." The jogger, shocked, responds, "yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?" "Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three unknowns

 

"What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"

 

"She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."

 

"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"

 

"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The statistician's wife

 

A statistician's wife had twins. He was delighted. He rang the minister who was also delighted.

 

"Bring them to church on Sunday and we'll baptize them," said the minister.

 

"No," replied the statistician. "Baptize one. We'll keep the other as a control."

[worldangel]

Joke: A team of engineers

 

A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole.

 

They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc.

 

A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.

 

When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three statisticians

 

Three statisticians go out hunting together.

 

After a while they spot a solitary rabbit. The first statistician takes aim and overshoots.

 

The second aims and undershoots. The third shouts out "We got him!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One morning ……

 

One morning, while she was making breakfast, the local fitness freak walked up to his wife, pinched her on the bum and said, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."

 

This was a bit over the limit, but she controlled herself and replied with silence. Next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast.

 

"You know love if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bras."

 

That was too far over the limit. She rolled over and grabbed him by the penis.

 

Maintaining a vice grip, she whispered in his ear, "You know dear if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the pool man, the gardener and your brother."

[worldangel]

Joke:  Two Lonely Guys

 

Two lonely guys are talking over lunch.

 

The first guy says, “You would not believe what happened this morning. A girl rode up to me on her bike, took off all her clothes, and said, ‘Take whatever you want!’ So I took the bike.”

The second guy says, “Good choice. Her clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Professional acquaintances

 

A doctor and his wife were out walking when a beautiful woman in tight-fitting halter top and skirt nodded hello from a nearby doorway.

“And who was that?” questioned the wife.

“Oh, just a young woman I know professionally,” said the doctor, reddening slightly.

“I see,” said the wife. “Your profession or hers?”

Edited October 7, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Q & A

 

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 1,000, one to hold the bulb and 999 to turn the house.

[worldangel]

Joke: Strange Behavior

 

Little Johnny is standing in the back yard with a hand full of M&M's and the cat by the tail in the other.

His mom notices and watches him.

He pops a couple M&M's, takes a bit out of the cats tail, and hops a couple of steps.

Then he does it again pops a couple M&M’s, takes a bit out of the cat’s tail, and hops a couple steps.

Finally his mom comes out and says "Johnny what are you doing?"

He says, "I’m being a trucker mom. Popping some pills eaten some pussy and moving along."

[worldangel]

Joke: A history book

 

A curious kid comes running to an elderly man, who is reading a book, and asks him " What are you reading?"

The elderly man answers, “A history book".

The kid looks at what the elderly man is reading and says, "But that’s a book about sex!"

And the man said, "Yeah, but for me is history!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Yo mama

 

Yo momma is so stupid she went to sleep with a ruler to see how long she slept

 

The doctor’s wife whispers back, “No, Come on in.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Shakespearean

 

As the Shakespearean actor slipped off his trousers and prepared to join her in bed, the woman he had picked up at the after-party gave an appreciative whistle at his generous endowment.

“My dear,” the actor cautioned in response, “we have come to bury Caesar – not to praise him.”

 

The doctor’s wife whispers back, “No, Come on in.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Hillbilly Feud

 

There were some backwoods hillbillies living across the river from each other, who feuded constantly.

John hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.

This went on for years until one day the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river.

John was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.

He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes. His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?

He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN"

[worldangel]

Joke: Home doctor

 

Ray has laryngitis. He goes to the doctor’s house down the street and knocks on the door.

 

The doctor’s wife answers and Ray whispers, “Is the doctor home?”

 

The doctor’s wife whispers back, “No, Come on in.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Stick to the plan!

 

A Blonde and a Brunette are going to rob a bank.

The day before the robbery the brunette turns to the blonde and says "Do you remember the plan?"

"Yes" says the blonde.

"Well let's go over it" says the Brunette.

The day of the robbery the Brunette insists that they go over the plan again so they do.

"You have 5 Minutes" says the Brunette.

20 Minutes go by and finally the Blonde comes out of the bank dragging the safe by a rope she tied to it.

The security guard comes running out with his pants around his ankles reaching for is gun.

The blonde says "F*** this" and runs to the car.

They are driving away and the Brunette screams "YOU IDIOT I TOLD YOU TO TIE UP THE SECURITY GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Where I am?

 

A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and he's lost. So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground: "Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?" "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west.

 

You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you're hovering, but on your way in here you were at a speed of 1.83 meters per second at 1.929 radians" "Thanks! By the way, are you a statistician?" "I am! But how did you know?"

 

"Everything you've told me is completely accurate; you gave me more detail than I needed, and you told me in such a way that it's no use to me at all!" "Dang! By the way, are you a principal investigator?"

 

"Geeze! How'd you know that?" "You don't know where you are, you don't know where you're going. You got where you are by blowing hot air, you start asking questions after you get into trouble, and you're in exactly the same spot you were a few minutes ago, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The soldier

 

The soldier serving in Middle-East was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

 

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

[worldangel]

Joke: The general

 

General Peter Pollock, the Navy Chief was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. General Pollock arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and Pollock asks: "So how are your men Marshall?" "Very well trained, Peter."

 

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too." "I'd like to see that." So Marshall calls an under-trainee and says: "James! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

 

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!" As James ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered Pollock and said: "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two brothers

 

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

 

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

 

"No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old army days

 

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days. “Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.”

 

“Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.”

 

“What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals.”