Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The drill sergeant

 

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

 

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The great grandfather

 

Three grandsons of ex-Army Men were boasting about their grandfathers. "My great grandfather," one declared proudly, "made the army proud by joining the army at the age of 12."

 

"Mine," boasts another, "got 12 bravery medals."

 

"He was the only soldier in my family," confessed the third one, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

 

"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

 

"Nothing much. But he would be 152 years old."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Huuuuge Hangover

 

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after the night at a business function. He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping – Love you!!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 am! drunk and out of your mind. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, b#@*H, I'm married!!!”

Broken table - $200

Hot breakfast - $5

Red Rose bud - $3

Two aspirins - $0.25

Saying the right thing, at the right time... Priceless

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Marines

 

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines.

 

The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it.

 

When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.

 

As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not so fast

 

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

 

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

 

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me.

 

This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Soldier

 

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

 

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Chronic diseases

 

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks: "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

 

"What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

 

"What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

 

"What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Cheating Husband

 

A man stumbles home drunk late one night.

His wife suspicious begins to inspect him and finds a red hair on his shirt, and says, “I see you are having an affair with a red head.”

The man says; “Oh no, honey.”

Next weekend, after nursing a black eye, the same thing happens except that the wife finds a blonde hair on his jacket.

This time she says; “I see you are having an affair with a blonde woman.”

The man again says; “Oh no, honey.”

Next weekend, after nursing a busted lip, the man decides not to cheat on his wife and goes straight home.

Well the wife begins to inspect him but finds nothing. Not a single hair.

So now she says; “Oh, now you’re banging a bald woman.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bewildered seaman

 

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave."

 

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once, I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!

[worldangel]

Joke: New recruit to be

 

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter's office.

 

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

 

"Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?" "You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

 

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Navy guy & Marine

 

There is a Navy guy and a Marine in the washroom.

 

The Marine goes to leave without washing up.

 

The sailor catches up with him later and says, "In the Navy, they teach us to wash our hands."

 

The Marine replies, "In the Marines, they teach us not to pee on ours!

[worldangel]

Joke: Young programmer

 

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

 

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

 

The grandmother is thinking to herself, "It was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him." The Project manager is sitting there thinking, "I didn't know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped me!" The young woman was sitting and thinking, "I'm glad the guy kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

 

The young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself, "Life is good. How often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his Project manager all at the same time!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The balloonist

 

A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes. You're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

 

"You must work in Information Technology," says the balloonist. "I do" replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but It's of no use to anyone." The man below replies, "You must work in management."

 

"I do," replies the balloonist, "But how'd you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault."

[worldangel]

Joke: The man & the frog

 

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero"

 

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week."

 

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

 

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

[worldangel]

Joke: Great writer to be

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

 

When asked to define "Great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

 

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishing trip

 

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex" ..and she said, "Wear sun-block."

[worldangel]

Joke: That’s the story

 

Daddy, how was I born? Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway! Mom and Dad got together in a chat room. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe. We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick. 

 

As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared. And that's the story.

[worldangel]

Joke: At pet shop 

 

A man goes inside a pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.

 

He sees a monkey with a price of 5,000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details. Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money? Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games. - Good monkey, it’s worth the money.

 

He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10,000$ and again he will ask the merchant. What does this monkey know? It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad. Nice, even I don’t know those things.

 

On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20,000$. The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details. And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money? I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!

[worldangel]

Joke: The newly-weds

 

Some newly-weds arrive to the hotel and the girl very afraid tells her husband: "Honey, I don't know nothing of this, can you help me, please?" I will Honey, starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing will we call the prisoner, so... we will put the prisoner in the prison"

 

And they throw the first one. and the guy is laying face up on the bed, but the girl was delighted and tells her husband: "Love, the prisoner is outside the prison!!!"

 

The guy not very delighted tells her: "Lets put him into the prison another time!!" And the second ...but the girl is very sweet-toothed and she tells him: "!! Honey !!!... .The prisoner is out again!!!" The man rises, with the legs like a recently born foal.

 

And they throw the third!!! He is laying on the bed, exhausted and the girl says: "!!! Honey, the prisoner escaped again!!!" And he answers with his last breath: "HEY !, It's not life imprisonment!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You won’t believe ….

 

A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds: "Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks."

 

The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?" The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

 

The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?" The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."

[worldangel]

Joke: I don’t smoke

 

A couple have been dating for a few weeks, but the guy has been afraid of making advances because he thinks his penis is on the small side.

 

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her down lovers’ lane. While they’re kissing, he opens his trouser zip and guides her hand onto his organ.

 

‘No thanks,’ says the girl. ‘I don’t smoke.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Charge by the inch

 

A beautiful woman sits next to a drunk in a bar.

 

He turns to her and says, ‘Hey, honey. How about you and me getting it on? I’ve got a couple of pounds and it looks like you could use the money.’

 

The woman turns to him and says, ‘What makes you think I charge by the inch?’

[worldangel]

Joke: At school

 

In an elementary school, the teacher gives school work to the class.

 

Everybody writes except little John.

 

The teacher asks him: John, why aren’t you writing? I’m exhausted because of sex. That should not be a problem, write with your left hand.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two security guards

 

There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building.

 

Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on weight.

 

So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat".

 

To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".

[worldangel]

Joke: Old couple

 

An old couple decide to get married after years of courting.

 

They sit down to discuss the marriage arrangements and the prospective bridegroom brings up the subject of sex.

 

‘Oh dear,’ says his aging fiancée. ‘As far as sex goes I’d have to say, infrequently.’

 

‘Pardon?’ replies the bridegroom. ‘Was that one word or two?’

[worldangel]

Joke: Mary & Jane

 

Mary and Jane are talking. Mary declares that she’s finally got pregnant after years of trying.

 

‘How did you manage it?’ asks Jane. ‘I went to that hypnotherapist on the High Street,’ replies Mary.

 

‘I got pregnant within two months.’ ‘Oh, my husband and I tried seeing him years ago,’ says Jane.

 

‘It didn’t work for us.’ ‘Of course it wouldn’t,’ replies Mary. ‘You have to go alone.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Tax or Tacks

 

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"

 

The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

 

"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Maiden name

 

Two men are having a drink together.

 

One says, ‘I had sex with my wife before we were married. What about you?’

 

‘I don’t know,’ says the other. ‘What was her maiden name?’

[worldangel]

Joke: What the dentist say?

 

Wife comes back from the doctor and says to her husband: Honey, I have a sad new - a gynaecologist told me not have sex for a three weeks...

 

Husband: And what the dentist said?

[worldangel]

Joke: Hermaphrodite

 

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."

 

The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different.

 

Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman is confused. "A hermaphrodite..... what's that?"

 

The doctor replies, "Well, it means your baby has the.......er......features....of a male and a female."

 

The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my goodness! you mean it has a penis..... AND a brain.

[worldangel]

Joke: Which profession?

 

A husband and wife are walking down the street when a beautiful young woman blows the husband a kiss.

 

‘I met her last week,’ explains the husband. ‘Professionally of course.’

 

The wife replies, ‘Which profession? Yours or hers?’

[worldangel]

Joke: Ghosts or Goat

 

One day at the Ricki Lake Show, the topic was ghosts. Before the show, she asks the audience: "Who here has ever sensed the presence of a ghost?" and 5 people raise their hand.

 

Then she asks "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" and 3 people raise their hand. Then she asks "Okay, now who here has ever had sex with a ghost?" and 1 person, an old man raises his hand.

 

So she goes up to this old man and says "what was it like?" and he said "Oh…it was great! Never had any like it before!" and she asked

 

"Really? So the ghost was good?" and the old man said "Ghost? I thought you said goat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old friends

 

Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, "I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!"

 

"Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive."

 

"I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?" "Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are."

 

"I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!" "Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!"

[clementi]

Joke: Air Canada

 

A guy sitting at an airport bar noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant; but which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and said, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, she doesn't work for Delta.

A few seconds later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off of the list.

Next he tried "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman barked back at him "Man, what the fu*k do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, "Ahhh, Air Canada".

 

[clementi]

Joke: Fishing bait

 

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Park and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lilies.

"Tch Tch!" said the passer-by to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishing, sir."

"Fishing, eh? Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the fourth today, sir!"

Edited October 10, 2015 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke:  Best pilot

 

 

It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola skipping boot camp.

The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was given him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

On his first day aboard he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes. Then climbing up to 20,000 ft. he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down, too.

Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck. He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain.

Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

The captain turned around, bowed, and replied, "Ahh soo, you only make one velly impoltant mistake!"

[clementi]

Joke: Wacky driving

 

The passenger sat in the backseat, clutching the door handle and wondering if she could expect to survive the trip. The cabdriver sped through the crowded streets, weaving in and out of traffic.

The passenger watched as one pedestrian after another ran to avoid being run down by her lunatic driver. She looked ahead and saw a truck double-parked on the narrow street, but not only did the taxi driver fail to slow down, he actually accelerated as he approached the truck. He slipped his cab through the available space with an inch or two to spare on either side.

"Driver!" the passenger screamed, "Are you trying to get us both killed?"

"Relax, lady," he said, "just do what I do. Close your eyes."

[clementi]

Joke: Three wishes

 

It was a poor.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of beer. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.

"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."

"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, without clothes girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.

Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.......a toilet!

[worldangel]

Joke: Mustard

 

A woman goes into a noisy launderette and asks the assistant to do a service wash.

 

‘What?!’ shouts the assistant. ‘Come again?!’

 

‘No!’ shouts back the woman. ‘This time it’s mustard!’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The aged patient

 

The aged patient doddered into the doctor’s clinic with a serious complaint.

 

"Doc, you’ve got to do something to lower my sex drive."

 

"Come on now Mr Peters," the doctor said, "your sex drives all in your head."

 

"That’s what I mean, you’ve got to lower it a little."

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly couple

 

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home.

 

They undressed and were about to screw, the woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.

 

"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.

 

The man replied, "that’s good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Murphy

 

Murphy the bus driver is sitting in his cab when his supervisor comes along.

 

‘Hello, Murphy,’ he says. ‘What time did you pull out this morning?’ ‘I didn’t,’ replies Murphy.

 

‘And I’ve been worrying about it all day.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Nigel

 

Nigel, a college student is talking to a friend.

 

‘Y’ know,’ he says. ‘I think my room-mate is queer.’

 

‘Why d’you say that?’ asks the student.

 

‘Well,’ replies Nigel. ‘Every time I kiss him goodnight he shuts his eyes.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Gorgonzola

 

Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavours.

 

Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess the flavour.

 

As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth and says: Gorgonzola! Wait, it is not on yet.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old men

 

Two old men hobble into the pub.

 

One says, ‘I’ve heard Guinness puts lead in your pencil.

 

Shall we try some?’ ‘All right,’ says the other.

 

‘But, to be honest, I’ve got nobody to write to.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex drive

 

An old man goes to his doctor and says, ‘Can you give me something to lower my sex drive.’

 

The doctor replies, ‘I would have thought at your age it’s all in the mind,’ ‘It is,’ agrees the old man.

 

‘That’s why I want it lower.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Tacks?

 

A guy walks into a drug store and asks for a packet of condoms.

 

The pharmacist says, ‘That’ll be £5.00 with the tax.’

 

‘Tacks?’, the guy exclaims. ‘I thought you rolled them on!’

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old soldiers

 

Two old soldiers, Fred and Harry, are sitting in their club.

 

Harry turns to Fred and says, ‘When was the last time you made love to a woman?’

 

Fred thinks for a moment then says, ‘1947.’

 

‘Good heavens,’ says Harry. ‘That’s a very long time ago.’ ‘Not really’

[worldangel]

Joke: A strange smell

 

Passing through the hospital corridors, a doctor noticed a strong smell of marijuana.

He asked one of the nurses on duty about the odor.

 

“The good thing,” the nurse said, “is that down that hall everybody’s glaucoma has cleared up.

 

The bad thing is that now everyone wants a Twinkie!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorcing

 

A woman is divorcing her husband on the grounds of cruelty.

 

His organ is so large it hurts her to have sex.

 

After she has explained her problem to a lawyer, he tells her that he’ll file her petition.

 

‘Stuff that!’ says the woman. ‘Why can’t you go round and sandpaper his down a bit.’